daughter showing signs of anorexia

Have you sat down and talked to her yet? She may have simply decided she wanted to lose weight, talked to her friends at school and found that this was the way to do it. Taking her to a nutrionist without just having a conversation about what's healthy - and your own experiences - to me, seems extreme.

Kids at that age will believe their friends over their parents. Basically, you really need to lead by example. Show her how to calculate the calories she needs - what will happen if she does get the calories she needs, etc. And point her in a healthy direction.
 
>Have you sat down and talked to her yet? She may have simply
>decided she wanted to lose weight, talked to her friends at
>school and found that this was the way to do it. Taking her
>to a nutrionist without just having a conversation about
>what's healthy - and your own experiences - to me, seems
>extreme.
>
>Kids at that age will believe their friends over their
>parents. Basically, you really need to lead by example. Show
>her how to calculate the calories she needs - what will happen
>if she does get the calories she needs, etc. And point her in
>a healthy direction.

This is really what I was driving at as well, and I agree that it is probably peer-driven. Personally, I would try to talk to her, and as Christine said, point her in a healthy direction first. As mentioned before in my original response, it may not be a bad idea for mom & daughter to enroll in joint sessions with a nutrionist and trainer. These behaviors of hers are recent enough that it might be able to be nipped in the bud. If that fails, then I would take the route of going to a doctor and/or therapist.

~Cathy http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/4.gif

"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who runs in front of car gets tired." -Source unknown
 
Although I'm not a parent, I did go through a fairly serious bulemia episode when I was in my teens (back in the late '70's when bulemia nervosa wasn't really as recognized as an ED), so hopefully I'm not talking too much out of my tookus right now.

I guess I'm curious how you arrived at the "calculation" that your DD is eating between 300-500 calories a day. Is she with you 24/7? How are you monitoring her eating, and is she aware of this monitoring? (I'll bet she is.) If so, then I would suggest, as painful as this might be to contemplate, that you might be imposing your own issues with food and exercise onto her because she is now entering the developmental stage in which she is making more of her own choices - and is moving beyond your control. My own mother, who was overweight / obese (not to mention an emotional eater and very sedentary) was relentless about my own dietary intake (while conveniently turning a blind eye to my bulemia cycles) and weight gains on a day-to-day basis especially when I entered my teens. That sure didn't foster healthy eating or exercise patterns.

I do agree that professional counseling would be a good step. However, I think it might be more helpful if you obtain counseling yourself before bring your DD into it.

A-Jock
 
Im sorry you have to deal with this. eating disorders can be very tricky. If your daughter does in fact have one, she won't let you take it away from her. Its a love/hate relationship. I dont agree that you should show her pictures of anorexics or really thin people. There are tons of sites and books out there and people with ed's use them as "THINSPIRATION". It triggers things and its something for them to look up to, and admire. There are sites out there with tips on how to starve yourself, how to lie about it, how to throw up your food, etc etc.
These disorders are very deadly and will wreak havoc on her young body. I'm not trying to scare you but the deeper they fall into it, the harder it will be to get out. I'm speaking from experience, and its very hard for someone to understand who hasnt been thru it. But since you have issues of your own you may be able to see where she is coming from.
You can sit her down and ask her whats going on, as the above poster said. If she truly just wants to eat healthy, you or a nutritionist should help her do it the right way. If she gets defensive about her eating this could be a sign of a problem. They will develop ways to get out of eating. Its absolute torture to an anorexic to be forced to eat anything at all.
I hope things work out for you guys. Get her the help she needs, as this is not something to fool around with. A lot of people recover - and while they will always struggle with food, they manage to eat and be healthy. Others arent quite so lucky.
Good luck, we are here for you!
 
>I >dont agree that you should show her pictures of anorexics or
>really thin people. There are tons of sites and books out
>there and people with ed's use them as "THINSPIRATION". It
>triggers things and its something for them to look up to, and
>admire.

I meant pictures of an anorexic who is on her deathbed, not someone who could be taken as inspiration. Sort of a scared straight approach. No one in my family ever wore seat belts until I had driver's ed in HS and the teacher showed a slide show of one automobile wreckage after another. Getting a shock of harsh reality - in this case, in the form of a visual - can sometimes be a wake-up call for many teens.

-Cathy
 
Have you tried the opposite. Don't shove food down her throat. Just try a healthier lifestyle and involve her in it.
LIke we are going to find a recipe for a great swordfish with veggies and salad.Something good that we can eat more and be good for us..
Say like mom wants us all to be healthy. Can you help?? Maybe cooking or finding the recipies.
If she thinks you are trying to make her eat she won't .. Just try to think like a teenager. rebelious. Do the opposite as we ask..
Just a suggestion..
www.picturetrail.com/acatalina

Anne
AKA
Storm
 
Honestly, though, a normal-sized 12 year old should NOT be dieting and worrying about her weight. Not that kids should be unhealthy, but they should be kids and not worry about dieting to the point of becoming angry and extremely restrictive. These are not normal behaviors or worries of the average 12 year old.
 
I do disagree - I think they are becoming the behaviors and worries of your average 12 year old. Middle school can be horrible if you don't fit it. I agree that they should be kids and that dieting is not good for a kid her age. But, I do not see any reason why if she should not be encouraged to eat enough healthy foods to satisfy her.
 
>Honestly, though, a normal-sized 12 year old should NOT be
>dieting and worrying about her weight. Not that kids should
>be unhealthy, but they should be kids and not worry about
>dieting to the point of becoming angry and extremely
>restrictive. These are not normal behaviors or worries of the
>average 12 year old.

Actually at 12 a girl is developing, starting her period, getting hips and breast and this makes them start thinking they are fat. This is why at this age many girls do have issues with eating disorders. It is an adjustment for them to have nice slim hips and in a course of months for some girls get rounded out like a woman.

7th and 8th grade is the WORST for the girls to judge other girls and make fun of them for being too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny. It is a very confusing time for them.

It can also be a great time to educate good foor choices, but you are fighting a battle with what the peers are doing, and it is hard. Girls have a much harder time than boys.
 
I started eating like you are describing when I became anorexic so I agree with everyone else that it's a good idea to get her some help. However, you may encounter resistance which I definitely resisted what I saw as interference from my parents. To me, I was just "on a diet". I didn't really think I had anorexia. I didn't get what they were so worried about and the more they pushed, the more I wasn't going to go along with them. I just needed to lose "5 more pounds". That's what I kept telling myself. Unfortunately, the 5 more pounds became 5 more that I needed to lose and then 5 more.

I'd try taking her to a nutritionist first. One of the biggest problems I had with dieting was that I didn't know how to eat healthy but still lose weight. I needed advice. All I knew to do was exercise and cut back on food and with each success of losing pounds I thought I needed to cut back more to keep losing. Some nutrition advice would have helped me tremendously.
 
Another voice of dissent. Maybe your daughter just realizes that the so-called food most of us eat is indeed nothing but crap and is wreaking havoc with our health and our appearance. Cutting out junk food and meat sounds like an excellent idea to me, and good for her if she has the self-discipline to eliminate that garbage from her diet. I also can't believe you tried to tempt her into eating a chocolate bar. Not a healthy sandwich or even a piece of vegetarian pizza, but a chocolate bar, which has no nutritional value whatsoever. Are you sure this isn't about your issues?

Lurdes
 
Lurdes, while cutting out junk food and meat is not bad IN ITSELF, if you read the original post, it states that she is eating about 500 calories a day which is VERY concerning. Also, how many people GET ANGRY when being offered a candy bar??? That's NOT a normal response, but typical of those with eating disorders when in that type of situation.

Look, if a professional who has all the facts and assesses the patient feels she does not have an eating disorder, then no harm has been done by taking the daughter. I am not saying definitively that she does have an eating disorder. As a psychologist with experience treating eating disorders, the daughter's behavior does sound concerning, but since I have not assessed her and don't know all the facts (and she is not my patient), I would never give a clinical diagnosis. There are many factors that have to be taken into account prior to diagnosing any mental illness.

I just don't think this behavior should be minimized. I also don't think certain behaviors (i.e. cutting out junk food) should be taken into account in isolation. The total picture needs to be looked at and ALL the behaviors.

A big thing to take into account are the cognitions that accompany these behaviors-not just the behaviors themselves.

I really hope the original poster seeks a professional's opinion.
 
This isn't about the anorexia, but I'm surprised at your statement about your daughter's laptop. I'm not certain why there would be a problem with you looking at it? My DD is only 9, but there's no way I would ever let her have unlimited access to the computer (and the internet) without supervision.
 
What I read was that the mother ESTIMATED her daughter was eating 500 calories per day. There's no way to verify the accuracy of that estimate.

I truly think it's our society that has an eating disorder. It's virtually impossible, given our environment, to eat in a healthy way and keep within a reasonable weight range unless you're super self-disciplined or genetically very fortunate. High-calorie, low-nutrition foods are everywhere, and opportunities to exercise are hard to come by, especially for over-supervised kids who can't play outside the way at least I did when I was a child.

My way of eating has always been basically the Mediterranean diet, even when I was a kid, because my parents were from the Old World and didn't believe in eating processed foods at all. Fruits and vegetables were the mainstay of our diet, with some fish, chicken, and occasionally a meat dish as an accompaniment. Dessert was a rare treat - mainly at holidays. It irritates me when people see me eating this way now and think I have an eating disorder (e.g., if I don't order dessert in a restaurant), when it seems to me that eating overprocessed junk 24/7 is the real eating disorder.

Lurdes
 
I agree totally!

Why in the world would a 12 yr old need their own laptop? And why would it be a problem for you to get your hands on it?

My oldest is 17(I have three others as well down to age 10) and he has to use the family computer where everyone can walk past while he is on it, as well as sharing a "favorites list" and knowing that anyone can check the history at anytime.

I think it's crazy (yes, I know that's a strong word!) for any child to have internet access without an adult being able to checkup on them at any given moment.

Too many parents are wishy-washy on this issue!
 
wow. I didnt really expect such harsh replies.

First of all, yes my daughter has her own laptop. And guess what? All FIVE of us in our family have our own laptops. Plus we have severeal pcs floating around too. Sorry if you think that's ridiculous but some of us are in school, have careers that need computers, or just plain enjoy them. I don't see how in this day and age its any worse than tv, phones, or video games. And yes, I can access them anytime I want but in my opinion to barge into her room, ask for her laptop and then just scroll around to see what's she has been doing is an invasion of privacy that hasn't been asked for. Until my children abuse my trust I give htem the benefit of the doubt. I'm aware of where they spend their time on the computers.

Secondly, we sat down together and inputted her food for the day into fitday so I'm pretty sure its pretty accurate. And yes, I used that time to tell her that was WAY too low. I think its interesting that I got more or less flamed for daring to allow my child to have her own computer but on the other hand I'm not supposed to know what my children eat in a day?

Thirdly, I "tempted" her with a candy bar NOT because I think that's what she should eat but to test how strongly she was about her current eating style. A month ago she would ahve jumped on that candy bar. To all of sudden be adamantly against it, PLUS not eat much of anything else, was a clear sign to me something was up. YES, I know that there are much healthier things out there. That wasn't the point.

Fourth, I freely admitted I have issues of my own, pretty typical ones too according to what I read on this site. So yes, to a point this has something to do with that, but I'm NOT projecting my issues onto her.

I find it really irritating that this thread took such a nasty turn. Maybe I'm being sensitive but initially I got some really helpful and kind responses and then the next thing I know I'm being subtly labeled as a bad mother because I don't supposedly monitor their computer use, and worse yet, heaven forbid! Have given my daughter her own computer. Well, clearly that's the problem then, right? I'm a terrible mother that is too lax and "wishy washy" as a parent?

FOr all of you her offered reasonable suggestions, thank you.
 
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across like that. I don't think that it's unreasonable for your daughter to have her own laptop - if I could afford one for my DD, I would get her one. I do think that it's so easy for kids to get into things on the internet that they're too young for and that they don't understand. Plus the internet is SUCH a source of misinformation it's scary. At least for me. I was in no way infering that you are a terrible mother, and I'm sorry it was taken that way.
 
Wow Cbelle. I read a lot of posts very concerned with you and your DD. Especially the ones from professionals or those who have faced this issue personaly. The only thing that could have been a spark, and certainly not a flame, was between different posters opinions on what was going on, not ones directed at you or your parenting style. Maybe the suggestion that you obtain some couseling too was not so out of line.
 
I think you have very valid reasons to feel concerned. And with today's Young Hollywood, anorexia is becoming quite the fad. And it doesn't surprise me one bit that a 12 yr old could fall pray to it. Please don't get mad at me for asking this because it is not my intent, but is your dd overweight at all, or does she have any reason that she could want to lose weight? If so she might be just going about it the wrong way. However if she is a typical 12 yr old then there is cause for concern. Is there anything she could be getting teased about in school appearance wise? This could trigger it as well. Now I hope that you didn't think that the others were saying that YOU need counseling, (except for maybe one or two that were being rude) I think they meant you should go with her to educate yourself on how to help her.
The fact that she has been committed to this for over a month scares me as well, most kids wont stick to something this drastic. See to me, if she was just wanting to start eating more healthy, it would be just that, without calorie restriction, and the occasional slip. And the anger at you buying her a chocolate bar sends red flags up to me as well. If she was just "eating healthy" she would just say no thanks, remember I'm not eating junk food anymore.
Now far be it for me to tell you how to parent, it isn't my place....but in a much friendlier way I am going to say this, just out of concern. There are way too many bad things that can happen over the internet. (And especially if your dd is getting advice from a pro ana site) I do think that it would be wise to adopt some sort of policy in your house where your kids know at any time you are going to be checking their computers. I know when my kids get old enough, I'm going to be installing software that allows me to see where they have been even with them deleting browser history. I would rather "invade their privacy" then find out they are hurting themselves or going to end up hurt by something that they found or someone they met on the internet.
But all that aside, I hope that you are able to find out what is really going on and help your dd. you are in my thoughts.
 
Cbelle,

Hi - I responded early on, but as you know -- it's a hot button issue! Overall, you are a CONCERNED mother, and that is what matters!

Your name sounds familiar: I think I might have exchanged some messages with you re: an exercise studio on Ezboard, or maybe cathe.com. I can't remember...(I'm from SC...sound familiar?)

Anyway, I live in Atlanta and volunteer for a wonderful nonprofit EDIN (Eating Disorders Information Network, www.myedin.org) Check out the website - There's a ton of information about EDs (as well as info for mothers/daughters - specifically, "The M.O.D. Squad") - I think you'd find the info helpful and comforting. I love the MOD Squad Principles...

Take good care, and know you can find support with this....You can move through it. Feel free to email me if you'd like more book suggestions.

Take care,
Caroline





[email protected]
 
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