Bulemia witnessed (long)

B

bestoutwest

Cathlete
I witnessed something this weekend that really disturbed me and just needed to share.

It's about a friend of mine (not a super close friend, actually more of a "summer" friend, because our DH do a lot of sport activities together in the summer). Anyway, I always knew Brenda as a healthy girl - she's petite, maybe 5'1" and I would imagine she weighed 125-135. She always looked good; curvey, but good. I also know that she was very self-conscious about her appearance. She thought she was too fat, her legs too big, etc.

Well, I saw her earlier this summer and she was super-thin; said she had lost 50# from her all-time heaviest and now she weighs 96#. She also had breast augmentation over the winter sometime, because once she lost all the weight, her breasts shrunk. Now she looks a bit like Pamela Anderson, although her breasts aren't quite that big. But she is a super-thin person with huge boobs (at least a D-cup)!

I suspected she had an eating disorder, but I don't see her that often and certainly don't feel I know her that well to ask. Well, on Saturday night, a bunch of us got together for my DH's birthday at a small-town bar/restaurant. While the guys were playing pool, the girls were eating. The rest of us ate our meals, but Brenda had barely finished her salad. She wouldn't let the waitress take her plate, though (she had a halibut steak and baked potato). She had been drinking a bit and was busy chatting. Through the course of conversation, she finally drenched her entire plate in ranch dressing and started eating like she was starved. She even ate pieces of her potato with her fingers. So, she cleaned up her plate, then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

When she came back from the bathroom (about 10 minutes later), she brought a container of cookies from the kitchen (she used to work at this place and knows where the secret cookie stash is). Well, she proceeded to eat at least 6-8 cookies. These are big cookies! It was like she couldn't eat them fast enough. Then again, she went to the bathroom.

We all then left to go to another bar down the street. After about an hour, she ordered a pizza from the bar and again, started eating it like she was starved. She ate almost the whole pizza by herself! DH and I left soon after, so I'm not sure if she visited the bathroom again, but I imagine she did.

So, this is a very small person, who could no way eat all this food without purging. I have no doubt that she went to the bathroom to vomit each time. So I guess I now know her "secret" to weight loss, but I don't know what to do about it. Like I said, I don't feel like I know her well enough to approach her about it. I don't know if her DH knows about her behavior. Any ideas what, if anything I should do?
 
Edie-
Oh my gosh how sad is this situation! I dont have a clue as to the best thing to do...I think you're on the right track tho that the RIGHT thing to do is to not ignore it....
I would try to find a close friend of the girl that is not a gossip monger and see if they are willing to talk to her about what they are seeing. My heavens you can't be the only one that sees it!
My heart goes out to you w/ this dilemma
 
Hi Edie.
OMG thats terrible what she does. I know because one of my BFs goes to the bathroom almost everyday after lunch (this was only when I was in 6th grade though. She got help and now everything is fine. We're both in 8th now). She'll eat pizza, chips, and a lemonade for lunch, and then go imediatley to the bathroom. I new right off she was thorwing up because her face was so pale. I never said anything, but told the guidence councelor. I don't know what they did but they never told her I ratted (thank god) and we're still best friends. My advice to you is to talk to your DH about it or someone you trust. She needs help because serious affects can happen to her if this continues.

Good Luck! Please keep up posted:)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-

~Adri~
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It is highly unlikely that her DH is unaware of what she is doing, although he may be unaware of how much damage she is doing to herself physically. Is there some diplomatic way that you or, preferably, your DH could inform him of your observation of her behavior and the potential health problems caused by bulemia? If you are not close to her, any advice directly from you to her will go unheeded anyway, and this way at least you will know for certain that someone who is close to her knows what is going on. Did any of the other ladies talk about her behavior? If more than one person mentioned this to her DH he can't as easily dismiss it.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position, and I completely understand how you feel. I have a relative who has been anemic/bulemic for many years, and we have learned that there is really nothing anyone else can do unless she decides for herself to change. And she has decided not to. She would rather be "thin." After trying everything in his power, her DH had her involuntarily committed to a clinic for anorexia about ten years ago. Unfortunately, she just rode out the 2 or 3 months that she was forced to stay there and went right back to her old ways as soon as she got home--and she never forgave her DH for putting her through that ordeal. She is still in denial and does the same thing as your friend--excuses herself as soon as a meal has ended. She tries to be sneaky about it, but she isn't fooling anyone. At other times, she simply doesn't eat anything except maybe a few bites of lettuce. She has a wonderful personality and is a generous and caring person, and sometimes it is difficult to accept that there is nothing you can do, but that is the way it is.

Good luck.

MissL
 
I'd make sure you knew for absolute certainty before proceeding. All clue point that way but you weren't actually in the bathroom and witnessing a forced vomit. Yes, it does look like there is a serious problem but I made trips to the bathroom several times yesterday after eating some brownies...I used Enova cooking oil and they gave me ***bathroom problems***. Had my in-laws been here at the time, they may have came to the very same conclusion!
 
Hard call - in all honesty - if you are not close to her, I would probably stay out of it. I have had two very very close friends who did that anorexia/bulemia thing at the same time (almost competitive with each other) and when they were confronted by us caring loving friends, it only made it worse and they rejected any advise whatsoever......one finally ended up in the hospital due to complications and was treated, but there was nothing we could say or do to convince them how damaging their behavior was.....

Maybe next time you are around her and see her go into the bathroom - go with her - witness the behavior - and just simply say if she ever needs to talk to someone you are there for her. Don't be negative or tell her what she is doing is wrong - that seems to backfire (IMO) be a friend and just be the ear she can lean on - obviously she has underlying problems she might need to treat before being able to deal with her behavioral problem......which will kill her eventually or greatly cause health complications down the road.......

Good Luck :)
 
>I'd make sure you knew for absolute certainty before
>proceeding. All clue point that way but you weren't actually
>in the bathroom and witnessing a forced vomit.

You're absolutely right; I didn't witness anything except an extreme binge. It just all seemed very peculiar to me and it seems to fit with her extreme weight loss, etc. Also, my DH mentioned to me earlier in the summer when he was out with them, about her vomiting after she ate a bunch of cookies (she admitted to them that eating all of those cookies made her vomit).

She also mentioned to me earlier that day the she was having some skin problems and that a scratch that she had gotten weeks ago had just barely healed. Sounds like poor nutrition or lack of nutrition to me.

I will likely not talk to her directly. I may call another gal that was out with us that night and see what she thinks.
 
I agree with Reba, offer your ear and stay positive and caring once you know for sure she is doing the unthinkable. She already knows that she is killing herself and ruining her body. There is no new information you can give her that will cause something to click in her head and she just stops or agrees to get help and work agressively to get healthy. This is a serious mental disorder that deserves attention, no doubt.

It is unfair, really. You want so much to step in and do something to keep your friend from killing herself but the nature of the disease prevents the inflicted from having any type of reason on the subject. The desparation to "be perfect" totally takes over and rules!

I am sorry you are in such a corner. I would try something, like Reba said, stay positive and caring and tell her you're there for her.
 
This is tough. You might consider a gentle confrontation. In a quiet moment together, give her the business card or name/telephone number of a counselor or nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders and body image, and say something along the lines that you've noticed by some of her past comments that she's been concerned about her weight and appearance and that this is a person she may find helpful. Then leave it at that ... no accusations, no begging, or tattling, etc. If she questions your intentions, you can mention you noticed the excessive eating the evening of your DH's birthday and you know she's just experienced this weight loss and you both know where that kind of eating can lead, and you're concerned, that's all. Then make it a point to not comment on her body, good or bad (or anyone else's for that matter) and change the subject when she complains about her "fat thighs" or shares something about any part of her body. Take the emphasis off weight and body size to de-emphasize the importance of that particular topic. Good Luck!
 
A sure sign of bulimia is dental decay in the molars. The acid that comes up with the vomit eats the enamel.

My SIL went through this - I remember watching her eating just a MOUND of food very quickly and then excuse herself and reappear a while later.

Her BF at the time overhead the conversation between my SIL and the dentist and he put two and two together.


>>>>It is highly unlikely that her DH is unaware of what she is doing, although he may be unaware of how much damage she is doing to herself physically.<<<<

If her DH is not very in-tune with his wife, he actually may be unaware. My SIL's BF didn't know until the very end of their 5-year relationship.

Bulimia is a very personal disorder that is done in secret. So unless one knows the signs and is suspicious, one may never know. Bulimics go through extreme measures to hide their disorder.
 
I guess I don't necessarily agree that what you witnessed is bulimia. You did not witness her put her finger down her throat in the bathroom several times. You also said she was drinking--I tend to lose my resolve to eat small portions when I've been drinking and she may just be the same way.

I had a bulimic room mate for about a year and it really wasn't obvious. She, however, told me she was bulimic and tried to "recruit" me--showed me how she did it, etc. Occasionally, she would come from the bathroom with wet, bloodshot eyes like she had just vomitted, but I never said a word. She had already been warned by family members and doctors. She was told she could drop dead of shock at any moment because of the stress placed on her heart, but she didn't stop.
 
>I guess I don't necessarily agree that what you witnessed is
>bulimia. You did not witness her put her finger down her
>throat in the bathroom several times. You also said she was
>drinking--I tend to lose my resolve to eat small portions when
>I've been drinking and she may just be the same way.

As I said earlier, I didn't specifically "witness" her putting her finger down her throat. However, she didn't just "lose her resolve to eat small portions", this girl ate like a starved dog, an entire plate of food smothered in ranch dressing, then 6-8 BIG cookies, then 3/4 of a large pizza, all within about 2 hours. This is more than my 6'4", 230# husband could eat in that amount of time. Each "binge" was followed by a lengthy trip to the bathroom.

My point is that I'm concerned she does have a problem.
 
Edie,

Your concerns are very valid and you have every reason to feel as you do.

You are in a tough situation...I'm not sure how I would handle it myself.

From what I have read, sounds like those with bulemia are not very receptive when they are confronted about their illness. I do believe that they are human and that they know exactly what they are doing and they really don't like it, just don't know how to stop. Something has to happen within herself to cause her to realize that she can't continue in that lifestyle. Intervention is absolutely necessary. Maybe if she hears it enough, she will eventually do something about it.

I will definitely keep you and your friend in my prayers...


~Marietta
http://www.picturetrail.com/fitxme
 
Hi Edie. I am so sorry you are caught in what seems to be a no win situation. Do you go with you're gut instinct that something is wrong and alinate her by pushing the point or do you ignore it and watch your friend continue to put herself in danger?

Personally I go with my gut (this just does not seem to be normal behavior). You mentioned that your DH also noticed an issue. I'd try to find another "discret" person in your circle of friend and talk with them to see if they have noticed this behavior. I think with some support from someone who is also seeing this and knows her also, you'll have a better gauge of how or if to approch her with your concerns. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
 
I am going to make a long story short or at least try to. When I was in college I had a friend who was bulemic. She was purging in her room in garbage bags and the janitor was finding them down by the dumpster. I was an RA at the college I attended. That's how I found out that "someone" in our dorm was bulemic. I put two and two together and proceeded to talk to one of the counselors about what I suspected. Had no idea how to handle the situation! He had me talk to the girl personally. It was so difficult. She denied it was her. It was very ackward! I don't think she spoke to me again that term She didn't come back the next term. I thought I had mishandled things, made her hate me, accused her of something she wasn't doing, the whole nine yards. I guess due to privacy issues no one could or would tell me what happened to her. I went for 10 years thinking I had harmed this person. I can't remember exactly how it came about, but at our class reunion she came up, and someone started "talking". Come to find out she had left school, gotten treatment, and was much better. I had to leave, as tears of relief came over me. I couldn't tell anyone why. I had truly fretted over decisions and actions I had taken way back when. A wall of relief washed over me that can still bring tears to this day. All this to say, that your friend may not appreciate intervention on your part initally, but you never know what may come out of your actions down the line. I am sure you will make her angry, but that isn't necessarily bad. Hope this has been somewhat helpful.

Hopefull
 
Edie,

Help her if you can, you will feel better knowing you did something.

Janie

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return"
Nature Boy by eden ahbez 1908-1995
 
I had a similar situation with my niece a few years ago. She went from being a thin but healthy kid, to a stick in a matter of months. She looked like a skeleton, it was an obvious weight loss on a growing 14 year old. When she came to our house, she would eat a piece or two of lettuce and that's it. Then she would play around with her food the rest of the time. This was a kid who could eat a pound of bacon a few years earlier (not that bacon's healthy, but my point is she had a big, healthy appetite just a few years earlier).

I suspected anorexia and mentioned to my SIL a few times how thin my niece had become and how little she was eating. I felt I had to say something because anorexia is such a serious condition. I never used the word anorexia, I just voiced my concerns. My SIL pretty much ignored what I said, stating my niece was always thin and was just eating "Healthy." Of course, I had no proof, but her behavior and weight loss were just too obvious for me to ignore. I knew I had to speak, even though I was ignored.

Eventually, my niece's doctor told my SIL my niece needed to gain weight, she had an eating disorder and she was going to have serious medical problems in the future. To this day, my niece still hasn't started her period and she's 16 now!

She is eating normally now and gained 20 lbs. She's still thin, but a normal, healthy thin. I don't know if my speaking to my SIL ever had any affect on the situation, but at least I know I did what I could at the time.
 
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