Bad childhood memories = Depression...

carrie123

carrie123

Cathlete
Having a somewhat mental break today, due to a severe nightmare...

It turns out when I woke up from this horrid nightmare it in fact was a flashback... As much as I wish it had been a dream, it had been real. As much as I rationalize that it's in the past, my dreams remind me otherwise. It seems small amounts of stress will trigger these unresolved memories. My whole mind, body and soul ache when these nightmares lead me down an incredible whirlwind of memories, like a dominoe effect, I can't stop them. I wait until they run their course, then I am emotionally exhausted, from feelings of anger, sadness, fear, helplessness, shame unforgiving, you name it...

It's like taking a beating and whatever else they could do all over again, like it was just yesterday...I hate putting forth any energy toward those s.o.b's. I had myself believing it could have been worse and I should count my blessings, and I do!!! Everyday I thank god, for all the wonderful people in my life. Twenty years of pure hell...Thirteen years of tring to forget...

I talked to my hubbie and I talked to my sister, but still the dreams exist...the pain still exists...

I was wondering if there was anyone out there who knew something about this sort of thing...

I tried keeping journals, but I was so afraid someone would find what I've written that I just couldn't bring myself to put it down on paper...I think I'm fine one day, an incredibly strong and independant woman, mother, wife, sister and daughter, but every six months or so I wither into a ball of nothing and am unsure of everything....I know I have to work through some issues to move forward, because apparently even if you repress memories in your waking hours, they surface in your sleep...whether you want them to or not...Just not sure where to begin...I don't want to talk to a shrink, I'm not good at letting other people in...I feel like I would just be another client on the clock...nothing less, nothing more...


Sorry for dampening any spirits...Thanks for letting me vent. Again, I'm sorry for sounding so yucky today...


Carrie
;(
 
Carrie, my heart goes out to you. I have the feeling you endured some serious abuse in an earlier time in your life, and like all abuse, it's a terrible "gift that keeps on giving".

Although you don't want to talk to a "shrink", IMHO that is the only answer that makes sense for you. Persistent thoughts and dreams that keep coming back AND keep coloring your waking life almost always have their roots in earlier trauma, and the initial trauma and its aftershocks require professional help. This problem is bigger than you and your family. And you are worth the effort and the work that it takes to address it. If you are trusting enough to let us here on the Cathe forums in, then I know there is a trustworthy, skilled therapist out there who can give you the help that you need.

Please seek professional counseling.

Annette
 
I agree completely with A-Jock's sage and eloquent advice. Please see a psychiatrist--do this for yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
That is just awful reliving all of those memories. I too have experienced all of the awful flashbacks. I finally sought professional help before my second child was born because it wasn't fair to my kids or my husband or to me if I hadn't dealt with the situation.

I know the hardest thing to do is tell a complete stranger how you feel, but like Annette, I too strongly recommend seeking professional help. It was the best thing that I have done and now I feel like I am free.

My heart goes out to you and what you are dealing with right now. No one should ever experience that kind of hell. Just remember that it was not your fault. Good luck to you Carrie. My prayers are with you.

Lea
 
Hi Carrie,

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.

It's time to seriously consider electroshock therapy for me.

I think in my case my depression is biochemical and was ehanced by a horrible past.

And you are not dampening my spirit.

I think it makes me feel better to know others understand the kind of pain that hurts so much, yet you don't know how to explain it.

Kind regards,

Amy
 
I thank God that I finally went to therapy 10 years ago, it changed my life.
I know that for me the biggest step was realizing that I could deal with it all, I could deal with the past, I could deal with the memories; it made me finally feel like a grown-up, when prior to I had always felt like a scared child.
The memories don't have to go away, because you can handle them. Talking to a professional will really help so I am so glad to hear you will be doing that.
Know that the proof that you are stronger than anything that has happened to you is that you are still here. You already made it through the worst part, all that's left is to realize that.
You are safe, you are strong, and you are the prime determining factor in your own life. The memories remind you of what you were strong enough to survive. The worse the memories are, the stronger they confirm you are.
Your continued committment to get past this and to continue building a happy life for yourself and those you love is an example to us all.
Also, please give therapy alone a chance before considering the electroshock, it may surprise you how effective it is.
I will be thinking of you.
--Laura
 
>I don't want to talk to a shrink, I'm not
>good at letting other people in...I feel like I would just be
>another client on the clock...nothing less, nothing more...
>

That was me last year and all the years before last year until I went through a really difficult moment in my life at the beginning of this year and I had the courage to find some help. Lots of people go through traumas in their lives, but when you know you can't help yourself it's better to find someone that is removed from your situation and that has the expertise and experience to help you. I found a great psychiatrist (a woman) and I was so nervous the first time I saw her, but now I can basically describe my life as before therapy and after therapy. I think that your nightmares won't go away on their own. There is obviously something that has to be changed in order for the nightmares to stop. Do you think you can make them stop on your own? Do you think you can control your emotions on your own after you have these nightmares? Think about that. If you can't do this on your own you need to find someone else to help you. I hope you figure it out and I'm sorry for what you're going through. God knows I've been there and it's not easy. *Hugs*
 
I agree with the other ladies - therapy. I never thought I would go to therapy either, but a few years ago I had a trauma in my life that I just couldn't get past. I finally decided that the fear of opening up to someone couldn't be any worse than the daily darkness I was struggling with. I can honestly say that it was the best decision I ever made. Life-altering, really. You don't have to continue to suffer. :)

Best of luck, Sparrow


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I know what you mean I have nightmares from my exhusband he abused me severly and I can't get over it and I have thought to get help but just to scare to talk to a stranger also I can't even live a normal life because of him don't trust anyone and sometimes I get so mad because he took apart of me I can't find or get back he just tore my soul inhalf I know I need help but I fake to people I am ok butI am not. And not only did he abuse and cut me with knife he did the unspeakable thing to my daughter if you know what I mean 1998 dec.12 she told me . Well he went to jail of course but I can't get over it
It just seems like it just happen I am in so much pain because I wasn't there to protect my child I just never thought my husband her dad could be so evil.I am sorry to write this just the first time I told A strangers but I see other people also have problems to it helps to talk. And the people on here are just so great and helpful.
So honestly I think we both should go get some therapy.
Teresa
 
Teresa,
I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you and your daughter. It's good that you are opening up about it, and getting help for both you and your daughter is a good idea; therapy will benefit you both greatly.
You and your daughter have faced the worst, therapy will help you deal with that and to free yourself (and your daughter) from it so that you can enjoy your life again.
You can do it, and you can help your daughter do it too.
I am thinking of you both and wishing you security and happiness.
--Laura
 
Just think about it . . . you haven't been able to help yourself and either have those you have confided in up to this point.

If you seek outside, professional help - just make sure you feel that you are getting the help you need. See if you can find someone close enough to your area that you feel comfortable with.

When going through a divorce we were ordered to take the children to therapy - we ended up with a very nice professional who was very helpful. Later saw one that wasn't.

Use your gut instinct and if the one you choose the first time doesn't work, just like any other doctor or lawyer, find one who can help you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
 
I haven't read the other replies to your post, so I apologize for redundancies.

What jumped out at me is that you don't tell anybody about it, and don't even write it down. I would urge you to tell a therapist, at least. Who the hell cares if you're "just another client"? That's a really backwards way to look at it. You're not there to entertain the therapist or build a relationship with this person. You're there for service, for help, --and that's why you pay them. And they are confidential, so in a way that's better than writing it down and worrying if someone will see it!

But as long as you keep all the horror in your head, then you're really alone.

I understand: I have lots of painful childhood memories that I keep repressed in a "basement" in my mind. Some I deliberately repress, others I don't realize until they come out to bite me. I really get haunted at nighttime.

(((HUGS)))
 
I can tell you what works for me. I feel like you do about therapy - that I'd be just another client on the clock and I feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger about my past. I have gone to therapy in the past and it just made things worse because all of my feelings came too close to the surface and my brain couldn't handle it. I was having more nightmares and my feelings during the day were just raw. I was emotionally exhausted and felt so vulnerable and it was hard to function. In fact, the last time I went to therapy, I ended up quitting and becoming anorexic. I have a long history of eating disorders and I believe that focusing on food/weight/body image/exercise keeps the other feelings repressed - it's like my brain is protecting me. I don't think that I could deal with my childhood - I think trying to would destroy me emotionally.

What I try to do is just focus on the fact that I am SAFE today. I think about how lucky I am and the fact that I can't let what happened in the past destroy my present and future. I look at other people and the hardships that they are facing right now and tell myself how blessed I am to have a happy, healthy family. How can I let something that happened so long ago destroy me now? My SIL has metastatic breast cancer - she has something to be depressed about. I think about parents of children with terminal illnesses, our soldiers and their families, I think about the families of 9/11 victims, etc. I think about all the people who are suffering right now and realize that I should be grateful for my life today and not dwell on the past. Yes, I still have nightmares and flashbacks, but I try hard to focus on my present and future and remind myself over and over that I'm safe now. That is one thing that I took away from therapy - my last therapist told me that I need to remind myself that I'm safe now when I start to feel unbalanced. I do, and it helps.

I hope that this made sense and that it doesn't seem like I'm belittling your past because I'm not. I do think that therapy is great if you're willing to try it and you find a good therapist.

Have you read any books dealing with your abuse? I'm not exactly sure what happened in your childhood, but Courage to Heal is a good book. It's hard for me to read, though. Like therapy, it makes me an emotional wreck and I'm better off not trying to work through my feelings.

Good luck and I hope you are feeling better.

Erica
 
Hi Laura,

Thank you for your sweet comments. I have had therapists since the age of 18 -- both while hospitalized and as an outpatient.

I've had group therapy and individual therapy.

It is almost like a script.......I rehash my life and then make a contract with them I will not hurt myself.

As for a happy life, I've given up on that.

I would just settle for a day without pain. It hits about 3 pm -- and when I am home alone which is a lot since my husband works days.

Today is the day I see my psychiatrist. I want to discuss Electroshock Therapy and the new procedure, "Vagus Nerve Stimulation"

I have had all the requisite tests -- blood work, MRI of my brain in June to rule out multiple sclerosis, and according to all records am healthy.

But if I am healthy, why do I constantly think about ways to ice myself?

I frighten myself -- the pills are so close and I take so many...
 
Hi Teresa,

I am so sorry -- your post made me cry.

To hurt a woman, a child, an elderly person, or a disabled person -- any other human being is just evil.

I can't say anything except "I am thinking of you and your daughter"

Please take care of yourself and your daughter.

Kind regards,

Amy
 
Hi Erica,

Your post was excellent. My last therapist told me to envision a safe place when I felt anxious. The only safe place I can envision is in my in-laws' Grand Room listening to classical music and reading while they and my husband are doing the same (all of us are geeky readers).

I wish my in laws had been my parents (my parents both died young because they were stupid enough to let alcohol and drugs ruin them).

Anyway, I feel so guilty when I hear of other people's having metatstic cancer or other diseases with horrible consequences.

You are so right about so much.

I feel terrible when I realize the status of women in other countries is repressive and abusive, or that people in Sub Sahara Africa go without food or water.

In Kenya, girls miss an average of 5 days of school per month because they do not have sanitary pads or panties. They sit in holes during their periods. I read this in "Marie Claire" -- which is a great magazine since it combines fashion, beauty, with well researched and well written articles on how females in other countries live.

I feel like a raging A**Hole and a self centered jerk when I hear the problems of people so much worse off than me.
 
I agree with going to see a therapist. It is a service to help you deal with painful issues and memories. You are not just another person on the clock to them. Many of these people are in the field because they genuinely care for others. They are there to help you. You just need to find someone you can connect with and trust. I've woken up twice in the past 2 weeks with nightmares related to painful experiences in my life. (very out of the blue) Things you don't think about everyday because you are living your life. These things just sit in the corner of your mind until wham! are full force. Personally I felt these nightmares and the sobbing tears afterwards were cleansing in a way. No need to run from them. I've been through therapy over the years and I find things are much less painful. Sometimes facing fears and memories head on and allowing yourself to just be raw is the best way to let a majority of the pain go. There may be residuals to deal with from time to time but it all gets easier. You may feel emotionally raw dealing with a therapist...its a time for healing...and you need to be gentle with yourself during the process. More time for rest and pleasurable activities. Please go...you deserve it.
 
Amy - don't feel like a jerk for feeling the way you do. You're entitled to feel pain from your childhood experiences.

Have you ever read the book Feeling Good by David Burns? (I'm pretty sure that's what it's called) It's a really great book and helps you to change the way you think and react to things. It's really been a lifesaver for me. It has taught me to control the way I react to things and be a more positive person.

Erica
 
I also agree that finding a good therapist could really help. There are therapists out there who really listen and care. My SIL has bipolar disorder and depression, and her current therapist is absolutely excellent. Other than that, I'd say to not be too hard on yourself about these bad memories-we can't force ourselves to forget what is still hurting us. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I hope that you achieve closure and peace of mind.
Amy
 
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