bachelor parties

dr.mel_PT

dr.mel_PT

Cathlete
im not even engaged yet but somehow the topic of bachelor parties got brought up between my boyfriend and i. i am NOT comfortable with the idea of having some chick dance up on my fiance, rubbing herself all over him. he said it's all about trust and if i trust him, i wouldnt care. to me, it's all about RESPECT, not trust. i respect him enough to not go to some strip club and have a guy grinding up on me, waving his junk in my face. i really don't care if he and his friends went to a strip club to watch some naked girls dance on stage but once lap dances come into play, that's a big no for me. also, i am NOT cool with the idea of having a private stripper either. my best friend thinks im crazy and she told her fiance she doesnt care what he does because it's his 1 last night of freedom. i think this is such a BS reason!! thoughts?
 
Freedom, shmeedom...IMHO if you are committed enough to give a ring...OK, back up, once you are committed enough to not date anyone else you can look and not touch or be touched....Just my 2 cents here, hopefully nobody takes that as me being holier than thou (the oh so holy one knows I'm not!)!

MJ
 
I'm not comfortable with the whole idea. "Let's go have one more night of booze and babes before I settle down with the old ball and chain wife." What?

Happily DH finds them distasteful as well, so we never had an issue.
 
Lol, you don't even want to get me started on this!!! ;) Let's just say that I am not comfortable with it either. Luckily, my DH is even more uncomfortable with the idea than I am, so we ditched the whole thing altogether and just hung out with each other the night before.

Leaving the whole female exploitation and degradation argument out of it, it comes down to respect for your feelings. Being sensitive to how the other person feels about something is important - especially in a marriage. If the idea of your husband to be, future father of your children, having some naked woman grinding on him the night before your wedding bothers you, then he should respect that. There's got to be a compromise in there somewhere. You already said you didn't mind the straight going to the strip club part, so maybe they could just do that with the promise of no personal lap dances? I think that is MORE than accommodating. I wouldn't even let my DH do that. ;)

p.s. I have to add though that I have a pretty low opinion of men in general aside from my DH and my dad. Having worked with a lot of flat out dogs, I know that the wandering eye is ONLY the beginning. So, I tend to be a little more cynical about this kind of "male" stuff. ;)
 
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I'm always surprised by how many women this bothers. Men are boys by nature--I honestly don't know what the definition of "man" is other than a boy in a bigger body w/more money (well, hopefully anyway).

My ex not only had a bachelor party at a strip club, he used to go for "boys night out" after work every Friday. It did not bother me one bit. He told me he went b/c it was the only place around that had pool tables. As if! :rolleyes:

I don't like the objectification of women, but changing the male culture is futile. The only way to stop the objectification of women is for women to stop allowing themselves to be objectified.

If you do get married, let the boy have his silly party! It's not a matter of his last day of freedom, it's a matter of his fragile ego & him having to tell his friends "my fiance won't let me." It's a tradition. A stupid one, but a tradition nonetheless.

P.S. to piggyback on what Liann said, not only does he have to be sensitive to your feelings, you have to be sensitive to his.
 
LauraMax said:
I'm always surprised by how many women this bothers. Men are boys by nature--I honestly don't know what the definition of "man" is other than a boy in a bigger body w/more money (well, hopefully anyway).

My ex not only had a bachelor party at a strip club, he used to go for "boys night out" after work every Friday. It did not bother me one bit. He told me he went b/c it was the only place around that had pool tables. As if! :rolleyes:

I don't like the objectification of women, but changing the male culture is futile. The only way to stop the objectification of women is for women to stop allowing themselves to be objectified.

If you do get married, let the boy have his silly party! It's not a matter of his last day of freedom, it's a matter of his fragile ego & him having to tell his friends "my fiance won't let me." It's a tradition. A stupid one, but a tradition nonetheless.

P.S. to piggyback on what Liann said, not only does he have to be sensitive to your feelings, you have to be sensitive to his.
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Yeah! What she said! :)
 
My DH had no desire to go to a strip club; he finds it more degrading to women than I do! I wouldn't have cared if he had done it, but it's nice that he didn't want to; it kinda reminded me of why I was marrying him in the first place!:)

I guess the fact that it's such a big deal to both of you is the real issue. You have to figure out what you'll can put up with and what you won't.

And, as far as your friend's comment, "His last night of freedom"(???) is concerned: Please! The wedding is just a ceremony for a commitment that should have been made a while ago. Looking at marriage as a prison sentence doesn't sound like the right way to approach it, IMHO!
 
I gotta tell you that I think the "Men are just boys" is the biggest crock of bull$%#! ;) I want to know why we don't have a saying like that about us girls - where's our excuse for bad behavior? Guys are allowed to act out cuz' it's just in their nature and they can't help but listen to the little brain??? WHATEVER!!! :eek: What's sad is these guys have us intelligent woman buying this load of crap. And I thought we were the more intelligent gender? ;) Cop out if I've ever heard one. :cool:

p.s. Yeah, what TeTe said! ;)

Sparrow - My DH isn't like the stereotype either. He is actually more conservative about these types of things than I am.
 
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I guess I don't really subscribe to the notion as men as nothing more than large boys with bigger toys. I think that just plays into the sit-com-y image of men being endlessly goofy and irresponsible while the long-suffering but patient/maternal wife stands off in the wings rolling her eyes. Yuck. Then again, for all I know maybe DH is different from most men and they are like that. God knows my single dating life didn't exactly feature a cast of thousands. :p
 
i just dont see the difference between a random chick in a bar dancing on your man or a stripper. if your significant other allowed some girl to grind on him and touch him on the dance floor then that would be grounds for bashing, but because a stripper is getting paid that makes it ok? i dont think so. it's one thing to watch but another to be touched by someone else. and i also dont buy "it's more for the friends than it is for the groom." puh-leese. then let ur friends go out and get their strippers!!!

i think the main thing is guys are too afraid if they say no strippers then they'll look like wimps in front of their friends. BOO freakin HOO.

right on, TeTe, that's exactly what I was thinking!!!
 
sparrow13 said:
I guess I don't really subscribe to the notion as men as nothing more than large boys with bigger toys. I think that just plays into the sit-com-y image of men being endlessly goofy and irresponsible while the long-suffering but patient/maternal wife stands off in the wings rolling her eyes.
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That's not a sitcom-y image for me, that's just from my experience (also what many gender philosophers say: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," "You Just Don't Understand," etc). I married a man who spent more effort trying to get out of work than it would've taken to do the work in the first place. He played minor league baseball, & when he realized he wouldn't make it to the majors (i.e. he wasn't going to be able to PLAY A GAME for a living) he decided to be an elementary school PE teacher. Oh, w/a side job as a tableside magician/balloon artist. :p

Then I dated a guy in his late 40s who'd never been married & was literally like a college kid w/money. Traveled every other month to Puerto Rico, Telluride, Montana, spent the entire month of March in the Florida Keys.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm kind of like a college kid w/money. Maybe I should've been born a boy. :eek::D;)

I think grown up men are rare. The exception rather than the rule.
 
LauraMax said:
he decided to be an elementary school PE teacher. Oh, w/a side job as a tableside magician/balloon artist. :p
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LOL. OK, I can see why you have that opinion. :D

I'll admit that DH's opinion of strippers and the like may come from a bad experience he had back when he was in his early twenties. Some of his buddies were going to a strip joint so he went too. Trying to get into the spirit of things, he tucked $1 into a g-string as it gyrated past - only to discover that it wasn't a one but a twenty! He tried to get it back but of course the stripper wouldn't return it. Hee!

He's bitter about it these 25 years. :D
 
DH went to a strip club with some co-workers (with my knowledge) back before we were married and reported it as a pretty lame experience...overpriced booze and a general feeling of creepiness. He's had the opportunity to go back, but has never wanted to.

Not to mention the fact that we know someone who's a stripper, and lets just say that there's definitely an "eeeewwww" factor there. :eek:

I think of DH as being "grown-up" in it's most important sense, but he (we both, actually) still love(s) to do goofy "kid" stuff...shooting off fireworks, go-kart racing, playing hide-and-seek with the dog...I really dig that part.
 
I know I'm old-fashioned, but in my day :p those male chauvinistic bachelor parties were something to rebel against. I know the young folks today are rebelling against us by going back to those "traditions" we abhorred, and it's working. The thought of such a thing would make my DH want to start a protest march. I feel the same way about "bridal showers". :eek:

I know. Nobody asked for my opinion, and it doesn't address the OP's issue. Just spouting off again. Don't mind me. I'll go quietly...
 
I think it's all the time I've spent reading TC Luoma's T-Nation stuff (his book Atomic Dog: The Testosterone Principles is a hysterical compilation of many of his writings) but my views on a lot of the things men do has changed. I don't care about his visits to strip clubs now and then, his porn stash, his poker nights with the boys, his being away from me at all. I just don't care, as long as he doesn't stray and nobody tries to tell me I can't go out with the girls, I'm good. Luoma said the last place a guy is going to get **** (fill in the blank) is at a strip club. I work side-by-side with a young woman who used to dance in a club (she's expecting her third kid with her husband and putting herself through nursing school) and she concurred. For the women who work at those places it's a J.O.B..

What I DO care about is faithfulness. I think trying to keep a man on a short leash pretty much guarantees bitterness and cheating. But again, I've been reading a lot of how men feel about these things lately so maybe I've gotten a little too in touch with my masculine side ;):p.

I don't know if this helps...
 
SirenSongWoman said:
I think it's all the time I've spent reading TC Luoma's T-Nation stuff (his book Atomic Dog: The Testosterone Principles is a hysterical compilation of many of his writings) but my views on a lot of the things men do has changed. I don't care about his visits to strip clubs now and then, his porn stash, his poker nights with the boys, his being away from me at all. I just don't care, as long as he doesn't stray and nobody tries to tell me I can't go out with the girls, I'm good. Luoma said the last place a guy is going to get **** (fill in the blank) is at a strip club. I work side-by-side with a young woman who used to dance in a club (she's expecting her third kid with her husband and putting herself through nursing school) and she concurred. For the women who work at those places it's a J.O.B..

What I DO care about is faithfulness. I think trying to keep a man on a short leash pretty much guarantees bitterness and cheating. But again, I've been reading a lot of how men feel about these things lately so maybe I've gotten a little too in touch with my masculine side ;):p.

I don't know if this helps...
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This sounds like an interesting book, I just checked at my local library but they don't have it, and amazon.ca (I'm in Canada) doesn't have it either. I'm very interested in what makes men tick, and find that after 50 some-odd years, I still have lots to learn.
I have always said about my guy: "He promised to be faithful, not blind". Same goes for me ;)
 
Well I think it would be fun to go along with fiance, his friends and your friends. What a riot that would be! You'd be laughing the whole time!
 
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