Anyone read Epiloge - A Memoir?

[angie_nrs]

I was wondering if anyone could give me a suggestion on a book about loss/grief to give to my MIL who lost her husband over a year ago. She's still having such a hard time getting over it. Unfortunately she has a lot of time on her hands and has started to resort to going to the casino for comfort. I can see this spiraling out of control financially for her which would just compound her grief I'm sure.

She's not looking for another man and I'm sure she has never even considered it. I understand that the gal who wrote Epiloge writes about her search for a man, so I'm not sure this book would be appropriate for her......although, maybe it's an idea she could consider. She doesn't like being around people she doesn't know as she is very anxious in unfamiliar situations. It took her a while to get comfortable going to the casino. Her brother took her the first few times until she felt comfortable going alone. Yea - a big thanks to him for that. I know he was just trying to help her come out of her shell, but with her "self destructive" personality right now, this was just not the way to do it.

I've tried to talk her into getting involved in local groups/clubs, but she won't take the first step to do that. She's not a church-goer either. I guess I'm just looking for something to make her feel like she's not alone and that there is hope and something to look forward to in life. Maybe just a little something to spark some motivation so that she can bring herself to reach out and try something new.

So, any suggestions?

 

[RunninTeach]

Ange,

I have not read Epilogue, but I would say even though it may not be a direct parallel with your MIL's experiences, she might still appreciate reading how another woman handled her grief. I checked it out on Amazon and noticed that the author did, at one point, consider suicide. If you think she might be too fragile for that, maybe you could listen to it on audio together, so that you can talk about it with her. Does she have any female friends or a neighbor that might join in and form a mini book club?

Another book you might consider is Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, a memoir written about the year following her husband's death.

I've found Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Hickman to be helpful. You don't necessarily have to meditate to appreciate the short passages of comfort and healing.

While you're probably right in wanting to steer MIL away from making the casinos a habit, I see it as promising that—as shy and withdrawn from social opportunities as she is— she was open to a new idea. It suggests that even if she needs someone to hold her hand a bit in the beginning, she can move toward some independence, even if in baby steps.

I know she won't take the first step alone, but I would still try to find events locally that might be a good fit for her. Book club. Senior groups. Volunteer opportunity. Gym. Grief counseling. Whatever it may be, even if you are a bit out of place, I think you're going to have to accompany her initially until she feels comfortable enough to fly solo, like she did with the casino.

Good luck, my friend!

 

[angie_nrs]

Hey Cathy - Thanks so much for the other book suggestions. I'm going to go to amazon and check them out.

Unfortunately, she does not have any close female friends except for her sister. Although, there are plenty of women in the community that she knows and likes but just doesn't reach out to. She used to go the the grief counciling sessions, but she said she doesn't like the moderator and I think she embraces the other stories of grief so much that it just deepens her sadness.....if that makes sense. I think the moderator thing is just an excuse not to go. I really do feel that she IS open to new ideas. I think she'd be willing to give things a shot........even if only half heartedly. It's a start right?

MIL is a hermit by nature. Even when step-FIL was alive, they were home-bodies. They didn't even go out to eat. I am just thankful that she is comfortable driving herself around to the grocery store, bank, etc.

We live in a pretty remote location in northern Michigan so we don't have an abundance of programs to rely upon. However, you just gave me an idea......I think I'm going to go and call a lady in a local support club who makes dinners for funerals and such in the community. This group of ladies are great cooks and organize these meals along with the local church. MIL is also a great cook and it's the one thing I believe she truly enjoys doing. I'm gonna go and make the call right now!!

Thanks Cathy!

Keep the ideas coming.......

 

[Sunshine1528]

Tough issue Angie - the cooking thing sounds good.

I do know that many widows in our small town enjoy the local Senior Center. Many are in the same boat and they have outtings that they all go on. (Mind you the casinos are on the trip list ).

They serve a lunch each day that is minmal in cost but it gets them all together to socialize.

Does she have any hobbies, knitting, reading, crafting, etc that there may be groups for but not necessarily just for widows? Maybe she doesn't want to completely reminded she is without her husband so looking for similar interests may be a better way to go?