Any Lawyers, or knowledgable about legalities?

K

Kathy02

Cathlete
Ok, I don't normally post stuff that too personal, but I don't know where else to turn right now.
My mom is an alcoholic, active, right now. She is the type that drinks so much she passes out, then she wakes up, pukes, then drinks that much again. This will go on until all the alcohol has been taken out of the house, or the police come and take her to a treatment center.
My folks were supposed to come down this weekend for a wedding. My dad is now saying that there is no way that they are coming, because he's affraid that she will burn the house down while he's gone. I told him, let her, who cares? But then his reply was, "But if she doesn't get out, she'll die. And I can't have that, I'll go to jail for leaving her there knowing that she was drunk. And being her husband I have a legal obligation to take care of her.".
Ok, here's the question: Is he right? It just doesn't seem right to me that a persons spouse is responsible for the others inability to not burn a house down because that person is a drunk.
What should he do?
I know what I would do, I would leave her there and go to the wedding. But if this legal thing is correct, then I guess I wouldn't.
Thank you for your help!

Kathy
 
I have absolutely no idea about the legality of it, but I think this thread wins "most interesting and intriguing ever" on the Cathe.com forums. Wow.

It must be hard on your whole family to have to deal with that. I'm so sorry.
 
OMG Kathy I am so sorry you have to deal w/this, it must be very painful. I'm not a lawyer but I would think that as a consenting adult your father would not be responsible for her actions.

On the other hand, I also think your father probably cares about her & worries about her, & probably wouldn't be able to live w/himself if he went to the wedding & something happened. Maybe he's using this legal argument as an excuse.
 
Kathy,

You poor thing! I agree with what the others have said. This sucks!
You might tell your dad that he is truly enabling her to continue with the drinking. I am not into today's psychobabble but an intervention may be in order. Can she be committed to a drug/alcohol rehab program?

You are definitely in my prayers!
 
It's not painful any longer, I've been dealing with this almost my entire life. I just get angry when this gets in the way of other members of my family being able to lead a normal life. She sobers up, and will remain that way for a few months to a year and then she'll do this again for a week or so.
I think you're right Laura. My sil said that my dad has an illness too. It's his dependancy on my mother. I'm sure that he cares about her, they've been married for almost 35 years now. I care about her too, but I just refuse to let this run my life like he does. But I don't live with her so it's easier for me to just continue on. Plus, like you said, Laura, he probably wouldn't even have a good time if he did come down. He would be worrying the entire time about my mother and the house.

Kathy
 
I'm a lawyer, not that I always admit that...but I've also been there ...adult child of an alchoholic. Your dad is an enabler...which it appears you recognize.
On to the legal question. Is it criminal? Well he has not put her into a position of peril...so my guess is no. If he had created the peril and then abandoned her, that could be a different story. Like hitting someone with a car then driving away. It also depends on the law of your particular state and county.
I doubt that any civil case would fly...just be sure the house is insured.
Honestly, your dad sounds like he won't leave her there anyway, he has a sickness too and needs support. Alanon would be a good place to start if he is interested. Good luck...Kathy it's a difficult situation hang in there..

Amber
 
My goodness, Kathy. I also am a lawyer. If the entire community knows that your mom has this problem and that she and the authorties rely on your dad to keep her out of trouble, the authorities or Adult Protective Services could possibly say that he had recklessly endangered her life by leaving her alone: knowing that she probably would lose it and burn the house down. You have not said that he is her legal guardian, so I assume he is not?? And I assume that there is no way she is coming to the wedding?? Could he check her into a care facility for a few days like an adult babysitter?? Icky, icky situation.
 
First of all, I am so saddened at your mom's behavior and lack of insight...it sure seems as though you are not repeating her compulsion, and I applaud you. What I can tell you is that she has free choice, and your Dad can leave numbers for her to call for help, but he is NOT liable for her CHOICE to drink...in fact, if he tied her up and wouldn't LET her drink, he'd be more culpable....he cannot keep her from drinking..she has a cancer called alcoholism....she has to hit bottom, and one of two things will happen - she will reach for the brass ring and sink help, or she will die....that is THE course of treatment for alcoholics. No, he is not responsible for her should she burn the house down...by staying, he is enabling her abuse of all of you...and its a legacy that will haunt generations.....your Dad is a classic enabler, its tragic what she has done to his soul, and how viciously alcoholics manipultate loved ones......its a disease...but having said that, nothing is stronger than the human free will, and she simply has chosen to love her booze more than her family...and protests she makes are lies....

I'm sorry honey, keep your chin up, and live a sober, joyful life, and while I'm not in your shoes....I walked in them once.....and now watch my own kids, totally clueless to what life is like walking on eggs, fearing what will be behind the door....

And both my parents have been clean and sober for almost 30 years, and it has impacted 3 generations of us now because of it....so redemption IS possible.....

Bless you and your new life, and my prayers are with your parents.
 
Thank you all for your well wishes. Unfortunately my father is so stuborn he can't even see what it is that he's doing.
I did give him a choice though today and said that there is a detox center on the way to our house. He can drop her off there. But he is saying that she has to be willing to go, and he's not sure if she will be willing to do that.
I too have a son and I'm trying desperately to keep him innocent of his grandmothers problems. He just worships her when she's sober. All he has ever known though is that sometimes nana gets sick. She's pulled this at my house 2 times while staying with us. The second time dh took her to the hospital and had her commited. I have given her fair warning that I will never allow her at my house again if she ever pulls that again.
She's been sober in the past for up to 10 years. But over the past 9 years she's been dong a lot of "slipping".
I have made a solumn vow to NEVER be like her. If there is ever a day that I can't have just one beer and walk away dh knows that he is to put me in rehab and never look back.
That is so awesome what your parents have been able to do. I've come to a realization that recovering alcoholics that remain sober, such as your parents, are few and far between. You should be very proud of your folks.
By the way, I'm not the one getting married, it's my sister in law.
Thank you again!

Kathy
 
Kathy,

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} for you.

Others above have covered most of the angles of your situation and I don't have direct experience with this. I just wanted to offer my prayers and hugs.
 
Kathy,

That's rough. Hang in there. The worst part is that the alcoholic is "the captain of the ship" for most of the journey (nobody can make the choice to stop abusing alcohol ultimately but your mom). If family stages an intervention, then the alcoholic loses the choice to continue what isn't working (or maybe continue it alone). The other difficult part is that the physical effects of long-term abuse may also make that decision, but those are not something you want your mom to get to in order to stop this.

The ball is sort of in your dad's court too. He has to have that discussion with your mom. The success rate for people who enter treatment centers but then don't continue with AA or other support afterwards is not great. The treatment center is really just the first step.

It's true that it's not just the alcoholic who suffers but everyone who loves them.

Keep working out and taking care of yourself because that's what you CAN do.

Best wishes

Les
 
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