Any advice on how to do an intervention???

dianet

Cathlete
My sister and I have been struggling over how to or whether we should approach my mother about her health. She has always been pretty overweight, but lately it has gotten much worse than usual. She grew up on unhealthy food and fed us junk food growing up (to give you some idea, we each used to have out own box of Ding Dongs each week, I ate Little Debbie snacks all the time, fried foods and taco bell were a normal meal - any wonder why diet is hard for me now?). However, lately it has really be catching up to her. Her body fat is 43% based on my body fat scale (obese) and she just got her cholesterol checked and it is sky high. Her doctor told her to "eat less fat." How unhelpful is that? My sister and I are really worried about her health. My grandmother, her mother, is also very unhealthy and very very sick now, and we don't want to see the same thing happen to my mother.

My mother has previously been on high protein, low carb diets which have made her lose a little weight, but she always gains it back, and more. I also think these diets have given her a horrible picture of what a normal meal is (bacon, sausage, lots of red meat, etc.). Aside from eating unhealthy foods at every meal, she also has a huge problem with portion control. She cleans up her plate at every restaurant, no matter how big it is, when everyone else was stuffed after half a plate. I think part of this was because she was very poor growing up and was told over and over again that she had to clean her plate or would get in trouble.

What I have done so far to try and motivate her is buy her several Leslie Sansome Walking dvds. She said she likes them, but probably does them at most once a week. One is not even out of the wrapper yet. I have gone for walks with her when I am home visiting, but invariably she gets injuried within 2 days of trying to exercise (her back hurts, knees hurt, feet hurt, etc.).

As for diet, I have purchased her a diet book that I like a lot (Daoust's The Formula, which is 40-30-30 eating that seems pretty healthy and moderate). My sister and I told her that we can all do the diet together with her so she can be encouraged and have some support. She didn't seem interested and said she will start it in like month so that she can lose a little weight for a cruise which is 2 months from now. She was not really concerned about doing it for health reasons, though I told her it would be good to do to follow what her doctor said. Her husband, my step-father, is also very unhealthy and overweight, and would NEVER care to go on a diet, which would make it harder to have a lifestyle change.

So I guess my question is, what else can we do? We have given her the tools, but she doesn't seem to want to use them. I can't force her to have motivation, I can't scold my own mother when she eats horribly, and I don't want to make her feel bad by telling her how badly she needs to do this.

Any tips? Was there a "turning point" for anyone out there that made them change their perspective and get serious about their health and fitness? I just don't want her to end up very very ill like her mother because she waited too long to get healthy.

Thanks for any tips.

- Diane
 
I don't know that there's any more you can do - it sounds like it's up to her. She has to want to help herself as much as you want to help her. It doesn't seem from what you've written that she's very concerned about her situation and until she IS, I doubt there's much more you can do.
Just Do It! :)
 
I wish I could give you some tips but you sound like you've tried everything. I too have parents that don't take care of themselves and I've watched them suffer with diabetes and cancer and it is really hard. I also try to encourage them to eat properly and exercise but the only time I've seen them do any exercise is maybe to dance at a wedding. I know the only thing that kind of shakes up my father is when he's at the hospital and sees people suffering with cancer. He has said that's got to be the worst. Maybe you can educate her a little about diabetes and what can happen. Both my parents developed Type 2 diabetes. My father has already gotten part of his toe amputated and his circulation in his feet is very poor. Once you lose your circulation, it doesn't come back. Also, if you get infections, it takes forever to heal. I can say they indirectly have encouraged me to adopt the healthiest lifestyle I can so I hopefully won't get these diseases. Continue to encourage and be there for her and hopefully she'll come around before it's too late.

Marcy
 
Hi Diane,

I just want you to know that I feel your pain. My mom, God rest her soul, was told 10 years before she passed away to change her diet, quit smoking, and start exercising. Well, she didn't do any of these things. She liked to "watch" Richard Simmons. I'd walk in and say, "Mom, why don't you do a little bit of it?" She would just laugh and say, "I'm built for comfort not for speed." :-( I begged and pleaded for many years to get her to quit smoking. She smoked her last cigarette in the hospital parking lot before we admitted her. Little did I know at the time that she was at the beginning of her end. During that hospital stay she had her left leg amputated and a few months later she was back in the hospital for the second one. It was very sad. She did have a rare blood disease. I do believe her lifestyle played a major role in her outcome. I tried my hardest to get her to change. While she was in the hospital and the first year after her death I blamed myself for not pushing harder. My sister and I have finally come to terms with the fact that she needed to help herself. We couldn't do it for her.

I know I haven't provided much help, but I've been there. Please feel free to e-mail/PM me if you want to talk. Sorry this got so long. It's strikes close to home.

I wouldn't give up, maybe something will "click" with your mom.

Dallas
 
Thanks for your replies. I know I can't make her care about these things, she has to do it on her own, but I don't want to regret not trying. It is just hard for me to watch her do this to herself. I guess an all out intervention is not necessary. I have done what I can and I will just keep at it.
 
>Thanks for your replies. I know I can't make her care about
>these things, she has to do it on her own, but I don't want to
>regret not trying. It is just hard for me to watch her do
>this to herself. I guess an all out intervention is not
>necessary. I have done what I can and I will just keep at it.
>


You know, Diane, I would just say to her what you said in this post, and that you love her. It's really all you can do.

I've tried to talk to my sister who smokes like a chimney. I've pleaded with her to quit and she just gets mad at me for it. We've had 2 relatives die of cancer in the last year, both of whom smoked, and that made no impact on her whatsoever. I tried to point out to her what it was like for our cousins to have to take care of their dying parents, and did she want to put her boys through that, and again, she doesn't seem phased by it.

It's sad that our family members don't love us enough to take better care of themselves, but that's the long and short of it. They are slaves of their addictions.

Michele
 
You have to think, too, that junk food might feel like a comfortable old friend to her, and giving it up may just feel totally foreign. I also don't think most nutrition books are written with the average American in mind. Also, there is so much conflicting information out there that for some people, it simply casts doubt about EVERYthing.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel; my mother still smokes like a chimney despite the family history of cancer, despite the heart attack she had several years ago, despite her bleeding ulcers, despite my father's emphesyma. The sad thing is, she sneaks around because she's embarrassed, when even the grandkids know what she's doing. (Ok, I'll be honest and say this behavior irks me beyond rational thought! I just want to shake her!) She'll never stop until she wants to, so I have given up on approaching the topic with her.

Good luck. Maybe you'll have a more positive reaction.

Marie
 
My mother still smokes also. But, as she says, "I ONLY SMOKE 6 A DAY!!!". SHEESH! There's no talking to the woman.

She has to have a heart catherization on Monday because of a blocked carotid and an abnormal stress test and she's still not convinced it could possibly be from smoking....even though the doctor has been telling her it's the prime contributor!!!

I think they call it denial x(
 
I totally relate to all of these stories. My MIL has smoked for decades and decades now. I'm actually not sure how long she's smoked but I KNOW she smoked through ALL of her pregnancies. And she'll admit it without one bit of guilt. It's absolutly infuriating. I think the last time someone approached her about her smoking, she stated that all of that stuff about smoking being bad for your health was "just a myth". Just amazing!!!

Carolyn
 
As much as we love someone, it is not up to us to change them. We can show them we love them and are concerned about their situation, whatever it may be, but we simply cannot "make" someone do what we want them to.

I have a DH who has had a heart attack and a triple bypass and he still smokes. TOP THAT! I tell him I love him and want him to stop, but other than that, it's completely up to HIM! :(
 
JeanneMarie,

I can top that. My Dad smoked for 60 years, had emphyzema, finally got cancer, went through radiation (smoking the whole time mind you), recovered from cancer, still smoked and finally died from pneumonia.

He would tell my DH the smoking broke the phlegm up in his lungs so it helped x(
 
My sister had a radical double mastectomy in 2003, at which time they also found traces of cancer in her lymph system. She still smokes. She's going for reconstructive surgery next January and the surgeon has told her that he won't operate unless she's been smoke-free for six months. When I asked her why she wasn't quitting yet, she said she'll quit on July 27th, which is exactly six months before her surgery. Her husband smokes and he hasn't made any move toward quitting, though he's got juvenile (is that Type 1?) diabetes and his health is seriously declining.

My mom and dad and uncle all died of cancer. My brother from heart disease at 45. I figure I'm either doomed or I'll live until I'm 105:p

Sorry to sort of hijack this, but I agree that you can't make her do what she doesn't want to do. I hope, for her sake and yours, that she will have some sort of epiphany:)
 

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