Kim, my son is only 4 and my set of challenges are different. However, your parenting style is the same as that of my parents, EXCEPT for the dating part. They didn't want me to date AT ALL. EVER.
I'm not going to go into detail about the many ways I rebelled. I can only say I did it not just to be able to do what I wanted, but to get back at them -- and hard -- and now that I'm a parent myself, I don't want this to happen between my son and me when the time comes, because as wonderful as my parents' intentions were, the wounds ran deep and the scars are shallow.
As early as now I keep the communication lines open. When my son is upset with me, he tells me he hates me. Normally, any parent would want to nip that in the bud. I only tell him I understand how he can feel so, and that I'd feel the same way in his situation, but it's not okay to hit me, kick me, or throw things at me, and for that he needs to have a time out or a priviledge taken away. When it all blows over, my son, young as he is, understands. He tells me he only felt that way because he was angry. My mother is somewhat horrified by this. She doesn't like the idea of a child talking back to his parent. But I told my mom that I'd rather that my son get those feelings out of his system than have such feelings brew inside of him until he feels nothing else for me but resentment. I just don't add that she could've done the same thing for me when I was growing up. Our relationship is great now, and I don't want to do or say anything that will change it. But if there is one important thing I've learned, it's this: keep talking.
Since you have a teen, chances are she won't talk to you at first, if not, at all. But if my parents had tried to talk to me instead of acting like the last and only point of authority, it would've been different. If they had taken an interest in the books I read, or the pictures I drew, or why the stupid reproduction of Mona Lisa on my bedroom wall gave me the creeps, especially on a moonlit night, it would've been different. If they had considered how I felt and why I acted in such a way, instead of imposing a list of unbreakable rules and unbearable humiliation if such rules were broken, it would've been different. It took me many, many years to get past this, and I had to do this far away from home. I got out the first chance I got. And I never told my parents whom I was dating. I only called them a few weeks before I got married in court. By that time I was 28, and they could only feel relief I wasn't going to end up an "old maid".
I am very apprehensive about the teen years, with all these issues that teens have to tackle -- drugs, teen pregnancy, gun violence, peer pressure, etc... That's why I want my son to know as early as now that he can always talk to me without me overreacting or getting angry. If I have to clip the sharp edges of my authority as a parent, so be it. I don't think I'm going to have another child, and I don't want my kid growing up feeling and believing he's all alone. I grew up with three siblings, and I still felt that way.
Gotta stop blabbing now before this gets too long. Hugs and good luck.
Pinky
