I believe you handled the situation the right way. Unfortately, I believe one of the core issues is the way your DH handled it. As one of the ladies said previously, it's always key to support each other in front of the kids and discuss in private. And, in this case, when your step daughter went to him, he should have either backed you up and said that she should work it out directly with you, or if he felt there was something deeper going on, said, let's grab your stepmom and let's figure this out. I just wanted to add my 2 cents and say that I understand your situation and how much tension it can bring to your life. I think by using the forum to get advice, opinions or just to vent is a good way to help deal when sometimes there's nowhere else to turn. Hang in there.
Am I that wrong?
- Thread starter andtckrtoo
- Start date
andtckrtoo
Cathlete
I agree with everyone who says the solution would be to sit down and talk it out with all of the parties present. We have done that in the past, when DSD first moved back with us, and it went so well. Let her know that her dad and I were a united front and that if she dealt with one, she dealt with the other.
Okay - this is going to show a little more of the iceburg here - things changed when DSS (his 22 year old son - not mine, thank heavens) got his third, yes, third DUI. Instead of going to jail, the judge allowed him to go into rehab. So now DH is convinced that he needs to be a better father to both kids. No arguments here. His way of doing that is by giving them everything they want. DSD is supposed to be working, but DH supports him, and even encourages him to come to our house during the day to relax. He'll even drive him there and have DSD drive him back. And for some reason through all of this, DH became convinced that in order to prove to the kids that he's there for them, he has to support them 100% no matter what. Which leads us in a long circle back to the issue with the deoderant...
So, now that you know more about my life than you care to... LOL...
Okay - this is going to show a little more of the iceburg here - things changed when DSS (his 22 year old son - not mine, thank heavens) got his third, yes, third DUI. Instead of going to jail, the judge allowed him to go into rehab. So now DH is convinced that he needs to be a better father to both kids. No arguments here. His way of doing that is by giving them everything they want. DSD is supposed to be working, but DH supports him, and even encourages him to come to our house during the day to relax. He'll even drive him there and have DSD drive him back. And for some reason through all of this, DH became convinced that in order to prove to the kids that he's there for them, he has to support them 100% no matter what. Which leads us in a long circle back to the issue with the deoderant...
So, now that you know more about my life than you care to... LOL...
I don't think you are wrong at all. I have five kids (one of which is my stepson) and not one of them would go in my room and take something without asking. And if they did by chance one day, my DH would never side with one of them against me in a situation like that, even if I had really lit into the kid. He would probably get onto them himself. I think I would find that most aggravating in the whole situation is the fact that he got onto you about it.
nancy324
Cathlete
Christine, you've had some great insightful posts here. I agree with Shari and others who expressed similar feelings.
It sounds like your DH is trying to be a better father, but doesn't have a clue how to go about it. That's no crime. His heart is in the right place, but he needs some instruction. His idea that being a good father means being lenient is all wrong. That is SOO going to backfire on him in every way, including in his relationship with you. You are the only one there who sees what is wrong, and you need to let him know. The first thing he needs to know is that the two of you need to provide a united front and he should never disagree with you in front of the kids regarding issues of importance. If you lose credibility with the kids, then the whole balance of power in the family will fall apart. He has a lot to learn, and he needs to start learning fast.
It sounds like your DH is trying to be a better father, but doesn't have a clue how to go about it. That's no crime. His heart is in the right place, but he needs some instruction. His idea that being a good father means being lenient is all wrong. That is SOO going to backfire on him in every way, including in his relationship with you. You are the only one there who sees what is wrong, and you need to let him know. The first thing he needs to know is that the two of you need to provide a united front and he should never disagree with you in front of the kids regarding issues of importance. If you lose credibility with the kids, then the whole balance of power in the family will fall apart. He has a lot to learn, and he needs to start learning fast.
andtckrtoo
Cathlete
He just FINALLY suggested seeing a counselor. I have been after him for a while now to see one with me. He will not listen to me. Thinks what he's doing is right and that's that. Even if he and I cannot work things out, for the sake of his kids he has to go.
Christine:
A tough and totally undesirable situation, to say the least. You seem strong, you have good instincts about how to handle this, about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behaviour. With the right support, you can be armed to tackle these issues.
I think there are two main issues here, and you probably have already clarified these for yourself. But sometimes it helps to have others agree with you. It lends support of a kind, right?
1) your relationship with your husband
2) your husband's behaviour as a father.
His problems behaving as a father stem from his previous marriage and the divorce proceedings and fall out. It seems there were issues there that were never resolved. He has not set boundaries with either child. He has not taught them how to be responsible for themselves. At some time, he will have to be made to see that he needs to let his son take the rap. This may be the only way the son can finally learn that, as an adult in an economically prosperous country such as this, he is responsible for himself, but that he can expect support and encouragement from you both.
It seems that the best course would be counselling with a social worker for your husband so he can learn to set those boundaries. Primarily I think he should go to these sessions on his own, but that you should be invited to a couple of them so you can agree together on how to both be parents to these kids. He still has not really established himself as an authority figure in his children's lives, i.e. as a parent, not a peer. He cannot be their "friend" primarily, that has to come after being their parent. Otherwise, when will they learn to stand on their own two feet?
The son's drinking problem needs separate attention and yes, some rehabilitation/AAA program NOW, BEFORE IT PROGRESSES ANY FURTHER AND DOMINATES HIS ADULT LIFE, is required.
There seems to be another problem in that the kids are seen only as "his kids" and never as "our kids". The fact that the daughter always runs to daddy for back up and to get her own way is a clear sign that she is antagonistic towards you. She is doing these things to get at you, not just because she is an adolescent. Most adolescents still respect their parents at some level and this shows eventually. Your husband has not joined with you as a combined parental authority prescence. The girl does not see you as an authority figure at all. You currently have no "power" over her at all. She can see that, she has tested it and won. So, part of these issues is that your husband has allowed this second family unit to actually fracture into two in and of itself. There's you and your husband, and then there's your husband and "his" kids.
So, for the last issue, again some form of counselling will be required so that together you can sort out the balance of power, authority and equality in your marriage, as concerns your relationship with eachother and as parental figures for all three children.
There is too much going on here for you to possibly sort it all out on your own. You have already been established as a non-authority figure and as not on an equal footing with your husband anyway, so you need some counsellors to enter the scene as authority figures who back you up. Alternative balances of power need to be placed on the bargaining table.
No, don't worry, you didn't tell us more about your marriage than we wanted to know! Sometimes, our advice is just fishing in the dark if we don't know the full picture, or something close to it.
Good luck Christine and I hope all our support will enable you to re-negotiate your relationship with your husband.
Clare
A tough and totally undesirable situation, to say the least. You seem strong, you have good instincts about how to handle this, about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behaviour. With the right support, you can be armed to tackle these issues.
I think there are two main issues here, and you probably have already clarified these for yourself. But sometimes it helps to have others agree with you. It lends support of a kind, right?
1) your relationship with your husband
2) your husband's behaviour as a father.
His problems behaving as a father stem from his previous marriage and the divorce proceedings and fall out. It seems there were issues there that were never resolved. He has not set boundaries with either child. He has not taught them how to be responsible for themselves. At some time, he will have to be made to see that he needs to let his son take the rap. This may be the only way the son can finally learn that, as an adult in an economically prosperous country such as this, he is responsible for himself, but that he can expect support and encouragement from you both.
It seems that the best course would be counselling with a social worker for your husband so he can learn to set those boundaries. Primarily I think he should go to these sessions on his own, but that you should be invited to a couple of them so you can agree together on how to both be parents to these kids. He still has not really established himself as an authority figure in his children's lives, i.e. as a parent, not a peer. He cannot be their "friend" primarily, that has to come after being their parent. Otherwise, when will they learn to stand on their own two feet?
The son's drinking problem needs separate attention and yes, some rehabilitation/AAA program NOW, BEFORE IT PROGRESSES ANY FURTHER AND DOMINATES HIS ADULT LIFE, is required.
There seems to be another problem in that the kids are seen only as "his kids" and never as "our kids". The fact that the daughter always runs to daddy for back up and to get her own way is a clear sign that she is antagonistic towards you. She is doing these things to get at you, not just because she is an adolescent. Most adolescents still respect their parents at some level and this shows eventually. Your husband has not joined with you as a combined parental authority prescence. The girl does not see you as an authority figure at all. You currently have no "power" over her at all. She can see that, she has tested it and won. So, part of these issues is that your husband has allowed this second family unit to actually fracture into two in and of itself. There's you and your husband, and then there's your husband and "his" kids.
So, for the last issue, again some form of counselling will be required so that together you can sort out the balance of power, authority and equality in your marriage, as concerns your relationship with eachother and as parental figures for all three children.
There is too much going on here for you to possibly sort it all out on your own. You have already been established as a non-authority figure and as not on an equal footing with your husband anyway, so you need some counsellors to enter the scene as authority figures who back you up. Alternative balances of power need to be placed on the bargaining table.
No, don't worry, you didn't tell us more about your marriage than we wanted to know! Sometimes, our advice is just fishing in the dark if we don't know the full picture, or something close to it.
Good luck Christine and I hope all our support will enable you to re-negotiate your relationship with your husband.
Clare
andtckrtoo
Cathlete
Clare - you're right on on all points. I have finally gotten him to agree to counseling. The one-on-one counseling I have to let the counselor pressure him for - due to past issues with both me and his ex wife. But, we'll get there.
DH and I been IMing each other today. First of all - I want to thank everyone for giving me the ability to put into words what I have been trying to say all along, and for giving me the ability to step back and see where he is coming from. He's not a bad man. I think he's simply misguided. If anything, he cares too much as he feels he's the only thing in the world the kids have (their mom is a wacko and has not spoken to either of them in about a year). He made the comment that I don't treat DSD like I do DD. That I pick on DSD. I laughed and replied that if DSD wants to be treated like DD, then she better brace herself. I have been known to yell and scream at DD and to ground her, take away things she likes and be really "mean" to her when she does things she should not do. I'm not saying I should yell and scream at DSD, but I don't think a "best friend" is what DSD needs. If he simply does one of two things - either have DSD and I work things out ourselves or have all of us sit down and talk about things - that will go a long way towards that end. As you all have said, I need to be re-established as an authority figure. Can we do it on our own? No. That part probably. DSD is not a bad kid. She's been given a lot of material things in place of love, so she's a bit spoiled and very needy in a lot of ways, but like any teenager, she's going to test the waters to see what she can get away with.
*Steps back and looks at what she just wrote* Holy cow! I'm feeling so much better now! I'm putting things into proper perspective. I'm able to communicate my concerns to DH in a logical way that makes sense to him. And I'm feeling something that I haven't felt for a while now. Dare I say it's hope?
{{{{{{{{{{{HHUUUGGSSSS}}}}}}}}}} To ALL of you! Thank you, Thank you Thank you!!! Wow! Such compassion and caring y'all have brought. I cannot tell you how much this means to me.
DH and I been IMing each other today. First of all - I want to thank everyone for giving me the ability to put into words what I have been trying to say all along, and for giving me the ability to step back and see where he is coming from. He's not a bad man. I think he's simply misguided. If anything, he cares too much as he feels he's the only thing in the world the kids have (their mom is a wacko and has not spoken to either of them in about a year). He made the comment that I don't treat DSD like I do DD. That I pick on DSD. I laughed and replied that if DSD wants to be treated like DD, then she better brace herself. I have been known to yell and scream at DD and to ground her, take away things she likes and be really "mean" to her when she does things she should not do. I'm not saying I should yell and scream at DSD, but I don't think a "best friend" is what DSD needs. If he simply does one of two things - either have DSD and I work things out ourselves or have all of us sit down and talk about things - that will go a long way towards that end. As you all have said, I need to be re-established as an authority figure. Can we do it on our own? No. That part probably. DSD is not a bad kid. She's been given a lot of material things in place of love, so she's a bit spoiled and very needy in a lot of ways, but like any teenager, she's going to test the waters to see what she can get away with.
*Steps back and looks at what she just wrote* Holy cow! I'm feeling so much better now! I'm putting things into proper perspective. I'm able to communicate my concerns to DH in a logical way that makes sense to him. And I'm feeling something that I haven't felt for a while now. Dare I say it's hope?
{{{{{{{{{{{HHUUUGGSSSS}}}}}}}}}} To ALL of you! Thank you, Thank you Thank you!!! Wow! Such compassion and caring y'all have brought. I cannot tell you how much this means to me.
Christine, I'm so glad to see you are feeling like you can get some resolution on this. Honestly, I have some similar issues with my SO and his son (who does not live with us). I think it is much more difficult and delicate when you are dealing with late-age teenagers and/or "adults," because the patterns are so set. When kids are younger, they are more impressionable and you can make stronger inroads, I think. I have learned just to keep my mouth shut on some issues because how I would handle a situation is polar different from how my SO goes about it. This only works because he doesn't live with us. Otherwise I'd be where you are.
Anyway, I'm grateful for your post. Lots of people gave you terrific insight.
Good luck & I hope it works out for you!
Marie
Anyway, I'm grateful for your post. Lots of people gave you terrific insight.
Good luck & I hope it works out for you!
Marie
andtckrtoo
Cathlete
Marie - you're right. It's not easy. And we've been together for 7 years now, married for 5. The insights, all of them have been invaluable to me. Again, I simply cannot express what you ladies have done for me. I was ready to walk. Now, I'm ready to work things out. I'm feeling lighter and happier than I have in at least a month, possibly longer. My friends here are younger, or joint friends of ours, with whom I don't feel comfortable talking about things like this. So again, thanks.
andtckrtoo
Cathlete
Well, Bella - you certain gave me an evil little chuckle!! }( }( THANKS!! Tempting, though. Although I might be more tempted to do it with DH's at this point. }(
twosquared
Cathlete
I'd like to add my two cents here not about the past, but about the future.
Just a reminder, that when things start to get negative, a little positive goes a long way. Find simple things to compliment her on.
Thank you for putting your bowl in the sink etc, etc, etc.
I have found that sometimes when things get negative, complimenting even the basic things my kids are supposed to do helps to turn things back around.
I hope this helps some.
Just a reminder, that when things start to get negative, a little positive goes a long way. Find simple things to compliment her on.
Thank you for putting your bowl in the sink etc, etc, etc.
I have found that sometimes when things get negative, complimenting even the basic things my kids are supposed to do helps to turn things back around.
I hope this helps some.
andtckrtoo
Cathlete
Great Suggestion! Thanks!
gidget1978
Cathlete
I guess you have to ask yourself if you would have told your own daughter then same thing.If you would have then no.
I guess you could also say,"Can you please put it back where you found it the next time" (which is what I would say to my daugher) or you could say " well, I can buy you some like mine instead of us sharing the one stick"
Lori
I guess you could also say,"Can you please put it back where you found it the next time" (which is what I would say to my daugher) or you could say " well, I can buy you some like mine instead of us sharing the one stick"
Lori