Advice please
- Thread starter lrhollid
- Start date
TarHeelMom
Cathlete
Janet!
Hey girl, you're around the corner! (Well, not really, but in relative terms...
)
We're over in Sandy Springs (about 3 miles north of I-285, due north straight up GA-400). My DH works in Buckhead right near the Piedmont/Peachtree intersection. My younger son goes to (and his older brother went to) The Galloway School, which is a small private school near DH's office (it's actually in Chastain Park, if you've ever been to a concert there). When they were younger, the boys were in Fulton County public schools.
We need to plan an ATL-area Cathe get together, don't we???
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
Hey girl, you're around the corner! (Well, not really, but in relative terms...
)We're over in Sandy Springs (about 3 miles north of I-285, due north straight up GA-400). My DH works in Buckhead right near the Piedmont/Peachtree intersection. My younger son goes to (and his older brother went to) The Galloway School, which is a small private school near DH's office (it's actually in Chastain Park, if you've ever been to a concert there). When they were younger, the boys were in Fulton County public schools.
We need to plan an ATL-area Cathe get together, don't we???
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
TarHeelMom
Cathlete
More to Janet!
Thanks so much for the nice compliments, J -- you and I clearly do think alike. I am really a blessed woman, no doubt about it. Good kids, good hubby, good life. Let's cross our fingers that our new friend L will have all the same.
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
Thanks so much for the nice compliments, J -- you and I clearly do think alike. I am really a blessed woman, no doubt about it. Good kids, good hubby, good life. Let's cross our fingers that our new friend L will have all the same.
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
TarHeelMom
Cathlete
Janet again!
I know it well -- my sons play soccer at the fields next door to Marist that are owned by your Y.
E-mail me anytime, or PM me. Love to hear from ya!
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
I know it well -- my sons play soccer at the fields next door to Marist that are owned by your Y.
E-mail me anytime, or PM me. Love to hear from ya!
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
Thank you all for your kind comments and advice-- that is why I love this place (and all of you!)
I have felt horribly guilty about being reluctant to have children-- I knew when I got married that my DH wanted kids, but didn't realize how life-consuming my chosen profession was going to be because I hadn't really started in my field of study then. When DH said he didn't want to use day care, I thought at the time that I would be able to accomodate him. However, as it is, I work from about 6 in the morning until 6 at night and the work doesn't end-- I'm always thinking about what needs to be done next. I suppose this could all be from stress-- I'm hopefully a year from graduating and I don't think DH knows how bad the stress has been getting lately. His offhand comments about how 'nothing will change' once we have kids are too much as the moment. I see people will babies and I don't think I want to miss out on it; but at the same time, I could not do my job and have kids.
I've been in school my entire life, and want some time to sit back, take a deep breath, and enjoy being done at last! I've been thinking about this for some time, and I think, as some of you have suggested, that I'm not ready for children yet. And, I'm going to have to figure out how to get DH to talk about this.
Again, thank you all for your help and support-- I can't tell you what it means!
L
I have felt horribly guilty about being reluctant to have children-- I knew when I got married that my DH wanted kids, but didn't realize how life-consuming my chosen profession was going to be because I hadn't really started in my field of study then. When DH said he didn't want to use day care, I thought at the time that I would be able to accomodate him. However, as it is, I work from about 6 in the morning until 6 at night and the work doesn't end-- I'm always thinking about what needs to be done next. I suppose this could all be from stress-- I'm hopefully a year from graduating and I don't think DH knows how bad the stress has been getting lately. His offhand comments about how 'nothing will change' once we have kids are too much as the moment. I see people will babies and I don't think I want to miss out on it; but at the same time, I could not do my job and have kids.
I've been in school my entire life, and want some time to sit back, take a deep breath, and enjoy being done at last! I've been thinking about this for some time, and I think, as some of you have suggested, that I'm not ready for children yet. And, I'm going to have to figure out how to get DH to talk about this.
Again, thank you all for your help and support-- I can't tell you what it means!
L
Agree great posts. Kathy I especially yours. It really does sound like there are 2 issues and one sounds like you are not sure about the marraige. Being a single Mom has been the ideal life style for me (I know I'm few and far between) we have a very good friendship and the kids are very comfortable with it. They were 1 and 3 and are now 17 and 19.
I totally understand why at his age your husband wants kids and it sounds like he has been up front about it.
Nothing in the world is as rewarding as being a Mom and yes it changes everything - and should. If you have kids they have to be #1. Working parttime to me is the best of both worlds, if you can swing that but it's a very personal choice.
Hope you guys can have a good talk and figure out if the marriage is something worth saving and if so figure out the kids situation.
Keep us posted
I totally understand why at his age your husband wants kids and it sounds like he has been up front about it.
Nothing in the world is as rewarding as being a Mom and yes it changes everything - and should. If you have kids they have to be #1. Working parttime to me is the best of both worlds, if you can swing that but it's a very personal choice.
Hope you guys can have a good talk and figure out if the marriage is something worth saving and if so figure out the kids situation.
Keep us posted
I know you've probably had your fill of advice, so I'm going to make this short . . .you can take this or leave this . . .
You really need to think about what would happen if you brought children into this situation. This is a marriage that does not sound healthy for a child. Although I do not have kids of my own (just yet) I am a teacher and have seen MANY families similar to what yours would be like if you had kids. They either end in divorce, or the child has social problems and/or learns how to manipulate by watching his/her parents.
Your marriage really sounds like it needs some work. The two of you need to communicate and if you can't do it on your own, you need to find some sort of mediator who can (pastor, counselor). My gut says there's a lot more issues than what you posted, and I think those things need to be worked on before you can even start talking about a family.
Chrissy
You really need to think about what would happen if you brought children into this situation. This is a marriage that does not sound healthy for a child. Although I do not have kids of my own (just yet) I am a teacher and have seen MANY families similar to what yours would be like if you had kids. They either end in divorce, or the child has social problems and/or learns how to manipulate by watching his/her parents.
Your marriage really sounds like it needs some work. The two of you need to communicate and if you can't do it on your own, you need to find some sort of mediator who can (pastor, counselor). My gut says there's a lot more issues than what you posted, and I think those things need to be worked on before you can even start talking about a family.
Chrissy
L:
I have to say that much of what I wanted to say to you has been said by Kathy S.
Please don't be brow beaten into doing something, such a life altering step at that, that you are not ready for. No matter how much you may love your husband now, and no matter how much you will love your child(ren), you will feel resentment if his desire to have kids now prevents you from developing as an individual and taking steps along a career path for yourself, to see just what you can do and what you are made of.
Like Kathy, I have to question the strength of this marriage right now, and the strength of his committment to you as an individual, not as the future incubator of his children. The balance of power in your relationship as you describe it is overwhelmingly in his favour. That cannot make you happy, regardless of the children issue.
You are an individual person, and once you graduate, you have all the right to take the time you need to explore different sides of yourself through your career and professional and social relationships. To expect you to start birthing the minute your education is completed smacks of a 1950's attitude towards women. Can you really handle that? Is that how you see yourself? Can you bear to be treated like this?
His impatience to have kids now reveals that he is thinking of himself, not of you singular, and not of you as a couple either. I really do not see what the time pressure is for him: he can father kids up until the day he dies, and he's only 41, which is the new 30 afterall. There is absolutely no hurry here.
I can quite understand youer desire to work in a career and pay off your student loans, and you must stick to your guns and do that. That is your desire and need: you need to pay those off to feel better, to pay back the debt that enabled you to get this far today. It is part of your self esteem to pay this off, understandable.
You must treasure your own desires, goals and ambitions and take care of your own needs. Every good marriage allows both partnmers to do this, and where there are conflicts, then compromise must come iuntoi play, and that must be negotiated by both, not dictated to one by the other. Your husband, as you describe him, is not capable of compromise. He is dictating terms to you. Totally unacceptable. And even his professed love for you does not excuse this.
His idea that children will not change life much says everything there is to know about his dedication to you and your future family. What he means is: his life will not change much and he certainly does not intend to let that happen. You will be pregnant, you will give birth, you will breast feed the child, you will stay at home 24/7 and raise his child, you will continue to do 100% of housework and cook his meal every night, and to do all this, you will sacrifice your career, goals, dreams and ambitions, also the chance to grow as a person before growing as a parent. And no, the two are not the same. Can you see how this is shaping up? I can promise you, from one who has been there and is currently struggling with all these issues, that this will bury you alive, weigh you down, press you into the earth so far down that you lose sight of who you are. You owe yourself so much more than that. Please do not stifle yourself and shrink yourself to the size of his desire simply to make his life plan pan out.
Your husband intends to do very little to raise this family. To be a good parent requires a whole lot of selflessness. You can't be a parent without it. He just hasn't got it. He is selfish. It's clear as day. His life will not change, yours will. He already is selfish, even before becoming a parent. You work the long week he does and you still work at home in the evenings and weekends. You don't get time off. This is not acceptable.
Bottom line: if he wants kids and you want and need and deserve to work, day care will be a necessity. There is no way around it. Especially if you have no social support around you whatsoever. And you don't. Two things to say here: day care kids are just as attached to their parents as kids with a stay at home mum. And they will love you just as much as they ever would. Secondly, I have spent my whole motherhood so far being pregnant during grad school, giving birth and resuming undergrad teaching a week later, being principally in care of both kids and the home whilst struggling to get my PhD and with no support whatsoever because I have no family or friends around me since I am a long way from home. It is the fast track to depression and burn out. Been there, done that. Or should I say: doing that?
"When I hear him say that, what I'm hearing is that I'm going to have to do everything."
You have interpreted the situation accurately.
L: no apologies needed and your "rant" barely qualifies as such. What is needed here, if you wish to remain married tothis man, is marriage counselling. As Kathy S. says: sort out your marriage first. Then if you can shape it up more along lines of two equal partners who respect each other's wishes and desires and needs, then begin discussions about starting a family, when you are ready and only if you want to. And yes, you will need to discuss terms. And I would suggest discussing these terms in front of the counsellor.
Bringing children into this marriage right now is a recipe for much unhapiness and resentment. Please don't do it. Trust your instincts, the same ones that made you come here today to seek confirmation of your fears, concerns and interpreation of your husband's understanding of marriage and family.
I wish you all the best,
Clare
I have to say that much of what I wanted to say to you has been said by Kathy S.
Please don't be brow beaten into doing something, such a life altering step at that, that you are not ready for. No matter how much you may love your husband now, and no matter how much you will love your child(ren), you will feel resentment if his desire to have kids now prevents you from developing as an individual and taking steps along a career path for yourself, to see just what you can do and what you are made of.
Like Kathy, I have to question the strength of this marriage right now, and the strength of his committment to you as an individual, not as the future incubator of his children. The balance of power in your relationship as you describe it is overwhelmingly in his favour. That cannot make you happy, regardless of the children issue.
You are an individual person, and once you graduate, you have all the right to take the time you need to explore different sides of yourself through your career and professional and social relationships. To expect you to start birthing the minute your education is completed smacks of a 1950's attitude towards women. Can you really handle that? Is that how you see yourself? Can you bear to be treated like this?
His impatience to have kids now reveals that he is thinking of himself, not of you singular, and not of you as a couple either. I really do not see what the time pressure is for him: he can father kids up until the day he dies, and he's only 41, which is the new 30 afterall. There is absolutely no hurry here.
I can quite understand youer desire to work in a career and pay off your student loans, and you must stick to your guns and do that. That is your desire and need: you need to pay those off to feel better, to pay back the debt that enabled you to get this far today. It is part of your self esteem to pay this off, understandable.
You must treasure your own desires, goals and ambitions and take care of your own needs. Every good marriage allows both partnmers to do this, and where there are conflicts, then compromise must come iuntoi play, and that must be negotiated by both, not dictated to one by the other. Your husband, as you describe him, is not capable of compromise. He is dictating terms to you. Totally unacceptable. And even his professed love for you does not excuse this.
His idea that children will not change life much says everything there is to know about his dedication to you and your future family. What he means is: his life will not change much and he certainly does not intend to let that happen. You will be pregnant, you will give birth, you will breast feed the child, you will stay at home 24/7 and raise his child, you will continue to do 100% of housework and cook his meal every night, and to do all this, you will sacrifice your career, goals, dreams and ambitions, also the chance to grow as a person before growing as a parent. And no, the two are not the same. Can you see how this is shaping up? I can promise you, from one who has been there and is currently struggling with all these issues, that this will bury you alive, weigh you down, press you into the earth so far down that you lose sight of who you are. You owe yourself so much more than that. Please do not stifle yourself and shrink yourself to the size of his desire simply to make his life plan pan out.
Your husband intends to do very little to raise this family. To be a good parent requires a whole lot of selflessness. You can't be a parent without it. He just hasn't got it. He is selfish. It's clear as day. His life will not change, yours will. He already is selfish, even before becoming a parent. You work the long week he does and you still work at home in the evenings and weekends. You don't get time off. This is not acceptable.
Bottom line: if he wants kids and you want and need and deserve to work, day care will be a necessity. There is no way around it. Especially if you have no social support around you whatsoever. And you don't. Two things to say here: day care kids are just as attached to their parents as kids with a stay at home mum. And they will love you just as much as they ever would. Secondly, I have spent my whole motherhood so far being pregnant during grad school, giving birth and resuming undergrad teaching a week later, being principally in care of both kids and the home whilst struggling to get my PhD and with no support whatsoever because I have no family or friends around me since I am a long way from home. It is the fast track to depression and burn out. Been there, done that. Or should I say: doing that?
"When I hear him say that, what I'm hearing is that I'm going to have to do everything."
You have interpreted the situation accurately.
L: no apologies needed and your "rant" barely qualifies as such. What is needed here, if you wish to remain married tothis man, is marriage counselling. As Kathy S. says: sort out your marriage first. Then if you can shape it up more along lines of two equal partners who respect each other's wishes and desires and needs, then begin discussions about starting a family, when you are ready and only if you want to. And yes, you will need to discuss terms. And I would suggest discussing these terms in front of the counsellor.
Bringing children into this marriage right now is a recipe for much unhapiness and resentment. Please don't do it. Trust your instincts, the same ones that made you come here today to seek confirmation of your fears, concerns and interpreation of your husband's understanding of marriage and family.
I wish you all the best,
Clare
TarHeelMom
Cathlete
Nancy324!
Thank you GF -- but you could have said it all as well or better (hey, they teach us this communicating stuff in law school, don't they??? ;-))
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
Thank you GF -- but you could have said it all as well or better (hey, they teach us this communicating stuff in law school, don't they??? ;-))
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
TarHeelMom
Cathlete
Clare!
Great advice, and beautifully said.
I'm wishing for a lovely spa vacation for you really soon, too. Mommyhood the way you're doing it is just tough, tough stuff, and I know whereof I speak because I, too, have been there and done that in a city where we had no family around for support (and all of our friends were in similar shoes themselves). Hat's off to you!!!
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
Great advice, and beautifully said.
I'm wishing for a lovely spa vacation for you really soon, too.
Mommyhood the way you're doing it is just tough, tough stuff, and I know whereof I speak because I, too, have been there and done that in a city where we had no family around for support (and all of our friends were in similar shoes themselves). Hat's off to you!!!http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
TarHeelMom
Cathlete
Candi!
Believe it or not, I have a short attention span too -- I have to read and write in little "sound bites." You'd never know it to look at the "short stories" I end up posting here!!
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
Believe it or not, I have a short attention span too -- I have to read and write in little "sound bites." You'd never know it to look at the "short stories" I end up posting here!!
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/sport/sport-smiley-001.gif
L,
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I don't have any children but I'm actively trying to conceive. I'm 35 will be 36 in January, and DH is 42 (he just turned 42 a week ago).
We met when I was 18 and he was 25. We dated for 10 years before marrying and have now been married for 7 years. We had always talked about kids and had decided we didn't want more than 2. (He comes from a large catholic family. He is the youngest of nine.)
We've had alot of arguments lately. All of a sudden, he was not so sure he wanted kids. I guess he realizes that he will have to help out although I'm sure I'll end up doing more. I feel like it's a slap in the face. I appreciate his honesty but i can't help feeling resentment. My biological clock is ticking. I don't have the time for him to be wishy washy on the subject. I have been off birth control pills for 5 years. He won't use anything. So if I conceive, I conceive. I'm not hiding the fact that I'm not taking any method to prevent a pg. and we are married.
Our marriage almost ended because of this. We have had several long and painful talks recently and we are both actively trying to start a family. His biggest concern was being a new father at his age. I'm concerned of the changes too. I think it's normal. It's life altering.
I don't think you can ever prepare yourself completely for kids. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You're entitled to your feelings as my DH was and is entitled to his. I can't speak for him but as someone who went through this, He May feel some resentment. I know I did. I was appreciative of his feelings and that he told me how he was feeling but at the same time, I only have so much time to have a family. Men are fertile all their lives.
MY DH and I talked about everything before we got married. We both have to work. I work 12 hour shifts 3 days a week so he'll have to assume responsibility on those days since I work out of town.
You have valid and reasonable concerns. If DH is not willing to help and wants to have kids, something has to give and it shouldn't necessarily be your hopes and dreams.
Have you connsidered counceling? MY DH refused to go so we basically hammered it out at home but always remained respectful no matter how upsetting the direction of the conversation. Bottom line for us is that we love each other and want each of us to be happy even if it means being apart.
Things are better now. We both realize having kids is scary. Our lives will change and we are prepared as best we can be.
Hopefully you'll find common ground too.
Good Luck!
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I don't have any children but I'm actively trying to conceive. I'm 35 will be 36 in January, and DH is 42 (he just turned 42 a week ago).
We met when I was 18 and he was 25. We dated for 10 years before marrying and have now been married for 7 years. We had always talked about kids and had decided we didn't want more than 2. (He comes from a large catholic family. He is the youngest of nine.)
We've had alot of arguments lately. All of a sudden, he was not so sure he wanted kids. I guess he realizes that he will have to help out although I'm sure I'll end up doing more. I feel like it's a slap in the face. I appreciate his honesty but i can't help feeling resentment. My biological clock is ticking. I don't have the time for him to be wishy washy on the subject. I have been off birth control pills for 5 years. He won't use anything. So if I conceive, I conceive. I'm not hiding the fact that I'm not taking any method to prevent a pg. and we are married.
Our marriage almost ended because of this. We have had several long and painful talks recently and we are both actively trying to start a family. His biggest concern was being a new father at his age. I'm concerned of the changes too. I think it's normal. It's life altering.
I don't think you can ever prepare yourself completely for kids. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You're entitled to your feelings as my DH was and is entitled to his. I can't speak for him but as someone who went through this, He May feel some resentment. I know I did. I was appreciative of his feelings and that he told me how he was feeling but at the same time, I only have so much time to have a family. Men are fertile all their lives.
MY DH and I talked about everything before we got married. We both have to work. I work 12 hour shifts 3 days a week so he'll have to assume responsibility on those days since I work out of town.
You have valid and reasonable concerns. If DH is not willing to help and wants to have kids, something has to give and it shouldn't necessarily be your hopes and dreams.
Have you connsidered counceling? MY DH refused to go so we basically hammered it out at home but always remained respectful no matter how upsetting the direction of the conversation. Bottom line for us is that we love each other and want each of us to be happy even if it means being apart.
Things are better now. We both realize having kids is scary. Our lives will change and we are prepared as best we can be.
Hopefully you'll find common ground too.
Good Luck!