We are beginning the process of adoption at my house. We have a 6y/o and a 3 y/o (4 next month)of our own. We have been trying to add to our family the old fashioned way with no avail. We have decided on adoption, but don't have a lot of experience with the process for the adoptive parents. I went through the adoption process with a close friend who gave her baby up at birth when we were in college, so I saw close up how the birth mother side of adoption worked, but I don't have any close friends or family that have adopted. Does anyone out there have any advice? I really appreciate you all and how much knowlegde you have to share!
Adoption pros and cons?
- Thread starter Mikkia
- Start date
Liann
Cathlete
Mikkia - I have not been in the situation myself, but several of my close friends from High School have all adopted (as well as having their own). In fact, my one friend just adopted 3 older children (siblings 3, 6, & 8 years old) in January. All of them are strong advocates for it. My one girlfriend was adopted herself, so she always promised herself she would do the same. They refer to their biological children as "Home Grown" and their adopted kids as "Hand Picked". The process is not easy, but all them say it was well worth it. I know there will be other people here with knowledge to share. I just wanted to chime in with my opinion on it. I really think it's a wonderful thing and wish more people would consider it. Once we decide to have kids, I plan to look into it as well (in addition to having my own).
Mikkia, I hope you get more responses. I have 2 children of my own, 5 & 2 1/2, but would like to adopt siblings to give them an opportunity to stay together. However, the costs of adopting is what really scares me away from looking into it further. I would really like to know how the whole process works.
jcm
Cathlete
What an adventure! I haven't personally adopted but I do have four adopted nieces. Both of my sisters-in-law struggled with infertility for years, and when they "surrendered" that dream and went with an adoption they woulnd't change it for the world. They went through an agency called Bethany Christian Services (I know it's midwest - not sure where all they're located). They filled out tons of paperwork, put together a portfolio, then it was just a matter of waiting. The birth parents selected them and each case has been a bit different. All of them met with the birth parents, and my sister and brother in law were actually present at the birth of one of their adopted daughters. The "openness" of each adotion has depended on what was worked out with social workers,etc. Some birth parents have regular interaction with their child and some have had very little. Our family is white, and one of the girls is white, two are bi-racial and one is African American.
Not sure if that helps, and obviously it wasn't my personal experience. If you have any specific questions I can answer them if I know how to!
Not sure if that helps, and obviously it wasn't my personal experience. If you have any specific questions I can answer them if I know how to!
beccajanern
Cathlete
We have 3 children, our youngest daughter is adopted.
Our dd is my dh's cousin's birthdaughter, so there is some family connection there and it is an "open" adoption. Therefore, we had a lot of family "opinions" good, bad, and otherwise about how we cared for her. Thankfully, the family lives about 900 miles away, so we don't have to hear those opinions face to face too often.
DD is 3 months younger than our youngest ds, so that could have added to some of the stress surrounding our adoption. Having already birthed three children, I thought the minute I held her I would fall madly in love with her and feel all sorts of maternal bonding. Not so. DD had been exposed to all sorts of drugs in utero and was a screamer. She did not want to be held, she cried all the time, to the point that we had to let her scream in her crib with towels under the door frame so she would't wake the others. Hard to bond with a baby who doesn't want to be held. I tried to nurse her, but she was a very lazy nurser and made it difficult to nurse both her and her brother.
She was born out of state, so we had to go through the whole adoption process just like anyone else. We had to have a home study done, where they interview you, your husband, your children, your neighbors and friends. Also, we had to be fingerprinted and everyone in the house had to have a dr's physical exam. It took about 6 weeks before the paperwork was finalized and we could bring her home. During that time, she was with her birth mother for 2 weeks and then, when the drug screen came back positive, she was put into the care of my in-laws (they live in the same state and could take temp. custody without any issue.)
She is now 3 1/2 and she is a very sweet girl. She does have some difficulty because of the drug exposure: can't sit still at all, some resp problems (RAD), but for the most part she is doing great.
It can be a long, difficult process, but if you and your husband truly feel that there is another baby out there for you, then I would go for it. I think I was expecting it to be all rosy and happy and tra-la-la-la-la we have another beautiful baby! It wasn't. It has required a lot of prayer and grace to get us through these last three years.
If you have any questions, you can PM me and I will be glad to help you!
Best wishes!
Our dd is my dh's cousin's birthdaughter, so there is some family connection there and it is an "open" adoption. Therefore, we had a lot of family "opinions" good, bad, and otherwise about how we cared for her. Thankfully, the family lives about 900 miles away, so we don't have to hear those opinions face to face too often.
DD is 3 months younger than our youngest ds, so that could have added to some of the stress surrounding our adoption. Having already birthed three children, I thought the minute I held her I would fall madly in love with her and feel all sorts of maternal bonding. Not so. DD had been exposed to all sorts of drugs in utero and was a screamer. She did not want to be held, she cried all the time, to the point that we had to let her scream in her crib with towels under the door frame so she would't wake the others. Hard to bond with a baby who doesn't want to be held. I tried to nurse her, but she was a very lazy nurser and made it difficult to nurse both her and her brother.
She was born out of state, so we had to go through the whole adoption process just like anyone else. We had to have a home study done, where they interview you, your husband, your children, your neighbors and friends. Also, we had to be fingerprinted and everyone in the house had to have a dr's physical exam. It took about 6 weeks before the paperwork was finalized and we could bring her home. During that time, she was with her birth mother for 2 weeks and then, when the drug screen came back positive, she was put into the care of my in-laws (they live in the same state and could take temp. custody without any issue.)
She is now 3 1/2 and she is a very sweet girl. She does have some difficulty because of the drug exposure: can't sit still at all, some resp problems (RAD), but for the most part she is doing great.
It can be a long, difficult process, but if you and your husband truly feel that there is another baby out there for you, then I would go for it. I think I was expecting it to be all rosy and happy and tra-la-la-la-la we have another beautiful baby! It wasn't. It has required a lot of prayer and grace to get us through these last three years.
If you have any questions, you can PM me and I will be glad to help you!
Best wishes!
I want to thank you all for the responses, and Liann I love the "home grown, hand picked". That is the best lighthearted explaination of the whole thing! Becca, your story sound like the road less traveled, kind of like what I expect we will go through. I am a RN and my husband is a MD and though I think we would be equipped medically to handle it, I don't especially look forward to having to deal with an infant withdrawing from drugs or alcohol, but I am guessing this may be common in adoption situations. I hope I have half of the strength your family has. did you find the homestudy terribly intrusive? what did your children think? you can pm me if you'd rather.
I have to say that I really feel like this is a path that we are meant to take, I think I could be a mom one more time, and I hope we would all be the happier and closer for the journey towards a new family member.
I have to say that I really feel like this is a path that we are meant to take, I think I could be a mom one more time, and I hope we would all be the happier and closer for the journey towards a new family member.
beccajanern
Cathlete
Mikkia,
You've been PM'd!
You've been PM'd!
Aquajock
Cathlete
I've never been a birth mother or an adoptive mother, but I did read an article very recently in our Twin Cities Minnesita alternative weekly City Pages that described the horrific experience of a would-be adoptive couple who got terrible legal counsel and representation during their attempt to adopt.
All of that to say - get gilt-edged legal advice / representation from an attorney who specializes in adoption law. It is extremely complex, so much so that many family law practices will not handle them at all. The couple profiled in the CP article actually raised an adoptive daughter from birth for several months; then because their attorney had f***ed everything up royally, the birth mother was able to have the child removed and placed with a different family.
A-JOck
All of that to say - get gilt-edged legal advice / representation from an attorney who specializes in adoption law. It is extremely complex, so much so that many family law practices will not handle them at all. The couple profiled in the CP article actually raised an adoptive daughter from birth for several months; then because their attorney had f***ed everything up royally, the birth mother was able to have the child removed and placed with a different family.
A-JOck
I have a 14 year old biological son and a 9 year old daughter who entered our home through adoption. We went through Bethany Christian Services. I was there for her birth and she has been with us since she was three days old. This agency has offices all over the US and has a wonderful support system for the adoptive parents as well as the birth parents. I know they will be there for us if my daughter has any issues that we don't know how to handle, too. We went through four failed adoptions before my daughter's birthmom chose us. I must say it was quite the rollercoaster ride, but sooooo worth it all when we held Adelaide for the first time. I can say that I felt every emotion that I had when my son was born when Adelaide was born. That was a big concern for me before I saw her...what if I can't love her as much...but I never had that problem at all. She is probably more like me than my son. LOL If you have any questions about what we went through, please lmk and I'll try to answer them.
Good luck!
Lee Anne
Good luck!
Lee Anne
We adopted in 1998. We went through Lutheran Social Serv. and found them fantastic to work with. It was a foreign adoption, however. We adopted two toddlers at once. We had a wonderful experience. Ten years later we have no regrets and 2 wonderful preteens. I would recommend this program to anyone, although it is somewhat changed now from when we went. Hope that helped. I would gladly answer any questions.
Colleen
Colleen