A misbehaving teen?

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
O.k...so WTH are you suppose to do with one of these??:mad::mad: Cause I have tried it all and am at the end of my ropes!

DD just turned 13 in March and Im guessing from what I know, she has decided to hang out with the wrong people. I have caught her drinking for the 3rd time which to me is unexceptable. The first time I caught her it was back in the Spring and I warned her that if I caught her again, I would send her out to live with her grandmother for the summer, ( my mother, she can't get into and mischeif b/c its a small town and church is #1 priority) Of course I didn't catch her until the end of the summer and it was to late to really send her out there then. I wouldn't have sent her out there for the whole time, just enough time for her to think "man..this sucks"! She was only ungrounded about 2 weeks ago from the last episode and Sunday, what do you think she does?
She wasn't drunk the past 2 times I caught her, this is why I think she is hanging out with the wrong crowd. I think she is just drinking enough to fit in but not enough to get caught. Then one of the girls that was out, smoked some weed that was laced with something. Is that something YOU would want your 13 yr old around? Its only a matter of time before she tries that.I told her she needs to find some friends with some different hobbies. She is 13 going on 20!
She continues to lie to me. She usually doesn't leave here until 7'ish so she only as a 2.5 hour span. Ive taken everything from her to try and smarten her up but it doesn't work and neither does grounding her. Whenever she gets in trouble she usually blames me for something. Everytime she as gotten caught she as a new reason to blame me for her actions. Trust me...the girl isn't hurting for anything from clothes to love. She is just trying to take some of the blame and put guilt on me.
This isn't a good town to live in as far as this goes. All the teens are at it and there is only a handful that doesn't. Even if she isn't drinking she is hanging out with people who are making complete idiots of themselves and she looks as if she as been doing the same, just b/c she is with them.
Last night I sat down and cried before I went to bed b/c I am TIRED. She does well in school, but I think it will just be a matter of time.

I watched the Tyra show yesterday and they had girls on there who have made bad choices. They say there is a part of the brain that at a young age isn't developed. They don't understand consquences, they just live in the moment. Sure, thats a great excuse to go by until she drinks and someone takes advantage of her.

I told her yesterday that she will be going out with my parents on weekends and the weekends that she stays here, she can stay home and have friends in. Ive had it. I think I need to remove her from the situation all together and away from the people in her life that are the biggest influence.

Ugh......

Lori
 
I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Being a teen in this day in age must be hard, but being a parent has got to be the toughest job there is. I hope you can get your DD through these tough years without her causing to many problems for you or for herself.
 
Wow Lori.....my heart goes out to you. I had no idea things were that difficult with your DD. :(

This is really extreme, but when I was teaching I had a student, this was about 8 years ago. Great girl, but started acting out the second year i had her...can't remember her exact age, though. I knew her mother very well too....and even though they were close, she was at that age and doing things that were unaccaptable. And after yet another fight this mother said "fine, if you think your life is so bad, I'll just turn you over to the state and you'll be free of me" Well the daughter said fine.....the mother packed the bags, told her to get in the car and drove down to social services or wherever....told her DD to get out of the car. Well the DD didnt' think she could actually be serious....but DM said "nope...i'm not moving until you get out of this car, good luck, I'm done....etc etc"...well from what I heard the DD was absolutely hysterical, apologizing. DM wouldn't have it....made her get out of the car. Well DD gets out...hysterical. DM drives off (and just drove around the block...she wouldn't REALLY leave her...but DD didnt' know that!).....well lets just say I remember things changing drastically after that!
 
Unfortunately I was in the same boat your daughter is in (maybe a little older). Hanging out with the wrong crowd, smoking, drinking, etc. When my mom found out, she took away EVERYTHING! Not just grounding or privlidges. She took all of my clothes, except one pair of jeans and one tee shirt and one pair of shoes. TV, radio, even went as far as taking the sheets off of my bed. She said that is how it is in prison, and that's where I will end up if I continue on this path. I had to earn each and every thing back by behaving.

And guess what? Here I am 27 years old, I have my own house,my own car and a good job. Trust me, I HATED her at the time. But it really woke me up to the fact that what I was doing was stupid, and it was not acceptable. I know it sounds harsh, but there ARE things that you can take away that she will miss. Good luck! I hope everything works out!
 
You're in a really tough spot, and I wish I had answers or wisdom to impart. I just don't.

What I can tell you is that I was just like your daughter when I was her age. I hung out with the "bad kids" who got arrested for drinking and drugs. And I was doing it in moderation. Like your daughter - not enough to be overindulged - just enough to fit in with those kids.

What I can also tell you is that everything my mom forbade me to do, I did. I lied to her because I knew what she didn't want me doing. I lied about EVERYTHING, because I wasn't allowed to do anything and my mom didn't like the kids I was with.
I still hung out with all of those kids, and my mom never actually knew where I was or what I was doing. In hindsight, that was a lot more dangerous than her trusting me to do the right thing, regardless of who I was with.

It's a hard battle. And you hardly want to give her a green light to drink and do drugs. But I'd worry about putting so many restrictions on her that all she does is lie to you, and then you don't know your daughter at all.
As far as shipping her out of town goes, I wouldn't count on that working long term. If it were me at that age, I would've snuck out and had one of my friends come to get me.

Just wanted to give you both sides for consideration. I have no idea how to handle it, but I'm leaning towards trusting her a little bit more and putting less restrictions on her. At least then, you know where she's going and who she's with.
 
Lori - I'm not a mother, so I am not going to even attempt to give advice on this situation, but I was wondering if your daughter has any interests or activities that she participates in outside of school. My parents kept me busy - sports, cheerleading, karate, ice skating, you name it. I didn't have any time to get in trouble. They also spent a lot of time with me and were a part of these activities. Cheering me on from the sidelines, even coaching my high school volleyball team. I think their heavy involvement in my life and making it possible for me to be involved in more than just school helped keep me out of a lot of trouble that some of my other friends were getting into - drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, etc...(not that I was an angel by any stretch of the imagination!) None of that may be applicable to your situation whatsoever, just thought I'd share it for what it was worth. ;)
 
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Lori,

I had a son that spiralled out of control starting at the age of about 15 or 16. Not to say that it would happen to your daughter, but my son's "experimenting" with drugs became an addiction by the age of 18. He is now 21, has relapsed several times but goes longer and longer between relapses.

I have 3 more children, one a 16-year old girl and two more that luckily are only 5 and 4 now so I've got some time before those horrible teenage years. But I am doing things so much differently with my others because of what I learned.

My 16-year old daughter is hating it because we talk to the parents of EVERY house she goes to. She's a little embarassed by that, to say the least, but she knows we are watching her like a hawk. No, she's not paying for her brother's crimes - but I am much smarter now.

Some kids learn quickly that drugs and alcohol can numb any emotional pain they may be going through. OR they can just be having fun in their little world without realizing the dangers of addiction with these drugs they are trying out.

It sounds as though you are one step ahead of the game by realizing what kind of world our kids are growing up in. These kids have every drug available to them at every party. I didn't realize exactly what was going on with my son until it was too late.

So stay strong - she needs a parent and not a friend.

As far as punishments - say what you mean and mean what you say. If you were not really going to send her out there for a long period - don't say it (been there, done that, and it always backfired). You have to give a punishment that you can stick to or it completely negates what you are trying to do. Kids know very well how to manipulate their parents and know what they can and can't get away with.
 
My high school went from K-12. Everyone liked to tout it as a school where students are academically challenged, and where only excellence is bred. Behind the outdoor banner was a bunch of scenarios like what you're describing. (And I actually feel sorry for the headmaster, who liked to tout it that way-nice man with little understanding of what's going on.)

I cannot speak from the perspective of a parent. I can, however, speak from the perspective of someone who saw kids like these every day. Punishment can scare certain people straight...if it's done correctly and if those people have the right temperament. Unfortunately, from what I see on sites like Facebook, which people often turn into their virtual journal, their posts/Status Updates look something like this:

"Grounded. Ugh. My moms a (word that needs censoring here)."

So punishment is not always the best tool. I think that it can sometimes hamper a relationship and promote tension. The child feels misunderstood, and the parent(s) don't understand the child's behavior. It becomes the story of the rebellious teen and the witchy parents. I think tools like therapy are helpful in situations where punishment alone doesn't work. If it's possible, I think showing someone who's "experimenting" a rehab center might make them realize where their behavior will lead them. About a year ago, I was suffering from a eating disorder. My mother took me to a clinic to show where I would be if I didn't change my behavior. It took time, but that approach worked.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do and hope that you can find some peace soon. I'm sure it's difficult for any parent to see their child engage in self-destructive behaviors.
 
Well - first off let me say that I feel for you. I was that girl. And in looking back my parents should have been a hellava lot harder on me.

My son doesn't have much of a choice in things. It's our way or military school. He is also an athlete and would just as soon die than to miss any of it and he knows the consequences if he would ever be caught. There is ZERO tolerance at his high school - you can't even be at a party where there is open container or your in deep doodoo. The first offense is 10% off the season and so on. He also has to participate in sports each season (fall, winter, spring) or he was to work. He is 14 and will be 15 in May. We generally cut him off from the outside world if there is an issue - no cell phone or myspace/facebook (of which I have his passwords and forever will until he is out of college since we are paying for that also). He lost his ITouch a week ago. The cell phone is now gone, the computer is off limits. He has two weeks to find it and all will be good. If he doesn't than $250 will be deducted from his Christmas budget of $500. Call me a hard ass but I get nothing but nice compliments from people on his behavior.

Also - he attended a parochial school from Pre-school thru 8th grade. His (public) high school football coach is the youth director at the church. Needless to say it didn't take much to convince him it would be a good idea to attend Freshmen bible study on Tuesday mornings and Fellowship for Christian Athletes on Friday mornings. He actually likes it.

My opinion is to keep them busy. Idol minds and hands breeds trouble.

Good Luck . . .!
 
Hi Girls,

Thanks for your responses. Isn't it funny how stress can totally wipe you out? I feel as if I had zero sleep last night and now I have to go to my MIL b-day party with a pretend smile and fake energy:confused:

DD isn't on FB or Myspace. Actually, her computer is so screwed up that the only computer in the house is my work laptop which I don't bring home very often. We just bought her a new cell phone back in Aug so she hasn't had that very long either and if she continues to text boys, she will lose that as well.

I was talking to her on her lunch break and of course she didn't want to talk to me, said that she was going to live with her father...who lives on the other side of the country AND who gave up his rights to her about 4 yrs ago. He left when she was around 2 and as only seen her a handful of times since, I think that this is where half the problem lies. I brought up everything that he as done to her or left her out of the past 11 yrs and it didn't take her long to change her mind.

She is into sports but its impossible to fill up every hour of every day. She does jazz,ballet and volleyball. Right now VB isn't taking up anytime b/c they are just trying out. Jazz and ballet are only once a week for an hour each time.

DH had a talk with her lunch time explaining where her behaviour is going to take her. She said that she was going to start hanging out with other people and that she wants to start spending more time with me. I know I may be a little mean, but I have asked the girl to do plenty of stuff with me and she never wants to. Even on Sun night I asked her to lie in bed with me and watch t.v, she said that she would but ended up chatting on the phone. Sometimes I wonder if she actually feels this way or if she is trying to take some of the trouble off of herself and put the guilt on me. Also telling my mother what she as been up to wasn't fun either. I told her everything, I thought she was going to have a heart attack but she is still alive;)

I just can't wait to go to bed and start a new day tomorrow!~

Lori:)
 
Wow! My sister has a similar problem. My neice was caught drinking at 14 and her punishment was having her texting on her phone taken away. Didn't do much good. She is now 17 still drinking, doing drugs, and having sex (since age 15) I have tried to talk to my sister, but she will not listen, and I think she chooses to ignore everything. My DDs do not want to interact w/ her at all and I don't blame them. My advice is be a parent! You are in charge. IMO at 13 she does not need to be hanging out. You need to monitor her every move. She will hate it, and possibly you, but later in life will thank you for it. I was strict w/ my 2 DDs. they r now 18 and 17. I get told a lot that they are glad for the way my DH and I are raising them. Give her strict rules and STICK to them. You arein for a battle, but be firm. It will be worth it. Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
My now 18 year old started getting into trouble when he was 15. He was hanging with the wrong type of people (a girl in particular). One day he told me to F off so I then took away everything.

Home phone, access to computers, access to friends, sports, tv, x box, nice clothes, a room with a door on it.

He could only go to school, he had to be home on the bus and call me immediately. He got a huge list of chores that had to be done before I got home, anywhere I went he had to come. If I had to visit my mother who suffers from Alzheimer's and take care of her needs, he had to come and not watch TV, he helped clean her room. He had to run errands and if I wanted to ski, he had to ski with me.

After about 3 months of it, he came through to my side and I gradually gave back privileges. As soon as he screwed up again, everything he earned came back to me. It took a year until I finally got him back in line.

He is now 18, attending university (engineering). He has 2 part time jobs and has come round very nicely. He comments every once and a while and actually thanks me for being so tough on me. He compares himself to some friends who didn't get the discipline and they are unemployed, drinking and partying with no goals in life.

Be tough, be consistent, and know this time will pass if you are able to resist being her friend.
 
bundschuh said:
My now 18 year old started getting into trouble when he was 15. He was hanging with the wrong type of people (a girl in particular). One day he told me to F off so I then took away everything.

Home phone, access to computers, access to friends, sports, tv, x box, nice clothes, a room with a door on it.

He could only go to school, he had to be home on the bus and call me immediately. He got a huge list of chores that had to be done before I got home, anywhere I went he had to come. If I had to visit my mother who suffers from Alzheimer's and take care of her needs, he had to come and not watch TV, he helped clean her room. He had to run errands and if I wanted to ski, he had to ski with me.

After about 3 months of it, he came through to my side and I gradually gave back privileges. As soon as he screwed up again, everything he earned came back to me. It took a year until I finally got him back in line.

He is now 18, attending university (engineering). He has 2 part time jobs and has come round very nicely. He comments every once and a while and actually thanks me for being so tough on me. He compares himself to some friends who didn't get the discipline and they are unemployed, drinking and partying with no goals in life.

Be tough, be consistent, and know this time will pass if you are able to resist being her friend.
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Good for you for being a good parent:) Way to go!
 
baylian said:
My opinion is to keep them busy. Idol minds and hands breeds trouble.

Good Luck . . .!
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I think this is good advice. Reminds me of what the headmaster at my brother's boarding school used to say about keeping all those restless teenage minds and bodies on the straight and narrow: work 'em hard, play 'em hard, fill them up with food - and send them to bed so tired they're asleep before their heads hit the pillow. :D
 
gidget1978 said:
O.k...so WTH are you suppose to do with one of these??:mad::mad: Cause I have tried it all and am at the end of my ropes!

DD just turned 13 in March and Im guessing from what I know, she has decided to hang out with the wrong people. I have caught her drinking for the 3rd time which to me is unexceptable. The first time I caught her it was back in the Spring and I warned her that if I caught her again, I would send her out to live with her grandmother for the summer, ( my mother, she can't get into and mischeif b/c its a small town and church is #1 priority) Of course I didn't catch her until the end of the summer and it was to late to really send her out there then. I wouldn't have sent her out there for the whole time, just enough time for her to think "man..this sucks"! She was only ungrounded about 2 weeks ago from the last episode and Sunday, what do you think she does?
She wasn't drunk the past 2 times I caught her, this is why I think she is hanging out with the wrong crowd. I think she is just drinking enough to fit in but not enough to get caught. Then one of the girls that was out, smoked some weed that was laced with something. Is that something YOU would want your 13 yr old around? Its only a matter of time before she tries that.I told her she needs to find some friends with some different hobbies. She is 13 going on 20!
She continues to lie to me. She usually doesn't leave here until 7'ish so she only as a 2.5 hour span. Ive taken everything from her to try and smarten her up but it doesn't work and neither does grounding her. Whenever she gets in trouble she usually blames me for something. Everytime she as gotten caught she as a new reason to blame me for her actions. Trust me...the girl isn't hurting for anything from clothes to love. She is just trying to take some of the blame and put guilt on me.
This isn't a good town to live in as far as this goes. All the teens are at it and there is only a handful that doesn't. Even if she isn't drinking she is hanging out with people who are making complete idiots of themselves and she looks as if she as been doing the same, just b/c she is with them.
Last night I sat down and cried before I went to bed b/c I am TIRED. She does well in school, but I think it will just be a matter of time.

I watched the Tyra show yesterday and they had girls on there who have made bad choices. They say there is a part of the brain that at a young age isn't developed. They don't understand consquences, they just live in the moment. Sure, thats a great excuse to go by until she drinks and someone takes advantage of her.

I told her yesterday that she will be going out with my parents on weekends and the weekends that she stays here, she can stay home and have friends in. Ive had it. I think I need to remove her from the situation all together and away from the people in her life that are the biggest influence.

Ugh......

Lori
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Don't give up, stay consistently on her back and always follow through on your threats of discipline. Always. Have you thought about getting her into some kind of activity so she has something to fill up her time?

Just don't give up on disciplining her. She wants to wear you out so that you just let her do what she wants.
 
You need to act now. Please don't wait because things may get worst before they get better. A lot of us as mothers become codependent. Being codependent we make excuses and don't see the real picture. When kids start drinking and doing drugs it becomes a family problem. The whole family suffers. My oldest son was on drugs. He has been clean for many years. In order to help him I first had to help myself. I joined a group called "Family Anonymous". The mothers and fathers there are going or have gone through the same things you are. They can point you in the right direction. I can tell you this was something I could not have done without them.

Rose
 
gidget1978 said:
Hi Girls,

Thanks for your responses. Isn't it funny how stress can totally wipe you out? I feel as if I had zero sleep last night and now I have to go to my MIL b-day party with a pretend smile and fake energy:confused:

DD isn't on FB or Myspace. Actually, her computer is so screwed up that the only computer in the house is my work laptop which I don't bring home very often. We just bought her a new cell phone back in Aug so she hasn't had that very long either and if she continues to text boys, she will lose that as well.

I was talking to her on her lunch break and of course she didn't want to talk to me, said that she was going to live with her father...who lives on the other side of the country AND who gave up his rights to her about 4 yrs ago. He left when she was around 2 and as only seen her a handful of times since, I think that this is where half the problem lies. I brought up everything that he as done to her or left her out of the past 11 yrs and it didn't take her long to change her mind.

She is into sports but its impossible to fill up every hour of every day. She does jazz,ballet and volleyball. Right now VB isn't taking up anytime b/c they are just trying out. Jazz and ballet are only once a week for an hour each time.

DH had a talk with her lunch time explaining where her behaviour is going to take her. She said that she was going to start hanging out with other people and that she wants to start spending more time with me. I know I may be a little mean, but I have asked the girl to do plenty of stuff with me and she never wants to. Even on Sun night I asked her to lie in bed with me and watch t.v, she said that she would but ended up chatting on the phone. Sometimes I wonder if she actually feels this way or if she is trying to take some of the trouble off of herself and put the guilt on me. Also telling my mother what she as been up to wasn't fun either. I told her everything, I thought she was going to have a heart attack but she is still alive;)

I just can't wait to go to bed and start a new day tomorrow!~

Lori:)
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Sounds like you have received some good advice here. I just wanted to compliment you on you and your DH talking with her. Sometimes the punishment is all the kids see. The parents don't take the time to sit and talk with their children. Continue to try and keep the dialog open. Ask her questions, like "where does she think this behavior will take her? Why does she feel it necessary to hang out with these "friends" and do the things they are doing? What consequences does she think she will receive?
You said she mentioned wanting to spend tme with you. That's a good start. Try to find some time to spend with her doing an activity she wants to do with you and make it happen each week. It could be going to the mall, playing a game, etc. During that time, try not to have other distractions and really listen to what she has to say during those times. She may just be feeling that she doesn't fit it (at home or with children her age) and she is acting out get attention, when she would rather have your positive attention, but doesn't now how to get that. Its a confusing time for her. She's trying to grow up and yet she probably still wants to be your little girl. Finding the balance is not easy. I wish you luck.

Jean
 
dreamyjeanie said:
Sounds like you have received some good advice here. I just wanted to compliment you on you and your DH talking with her. Sometimes the punishment is all the kids see. The parents don't take the time to sit and talk with their children. Continue to try and keep the dialog open. Ask her questions, like "where does she think this behavior will take her? Why does she feel it necessary to hang out with these "friends" and do the things they are doing? What consequences does she think she will receive?
You said she mentioned wanting to spend tme with you. That's a good start. Try to find some time to spend with her doing an activity she wants to do with you and make it happen each week. It could be going to the mall, playing a game, etc. During that time, try not to have other distractions and really listen to what she has to say during those times. She may just be feeling that she doesn't fit it (at home or with children her age) and she is acting out get attention, when she would rather have your positive attention, but doesn't now how to get that. Its a confusing time for her. She's trying to grow up and yet she probably still wants to be your little girl. Finding the balance is not easy. I wish you luck.

Jean
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What DH and i did early in our kids lives was sit them down, and told them what we thought about drinking, drugs, etc. and why we thought this. Then we discussed w/ them what could happen to them if they chose that path, and then what WE would do if they chose the wrong path. They now have the fear of their father in them which in my opinion is not a bad thing. So far all three have chosen the right path. They are 18, 17, and 14. Still keeping my fingers crossed though...
 
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