Ever have to choose between your SO and a family member?

[MCunningham]

I am so frustrated... my husband HATES my sister (who is my best friend and the only member of my family that I'm close to anymore, physical location-wise or emotionally). He can't even really be in the same room with her, avoids talking to her at all costs, and whenever she comes over, he immediately leaves.

He does have his reasons; it's kind of a long story-- she did some damage to the tune of $4,500 on one of my credit cards that I made her an authorized user on and then defaulted on the payments. In her defense, she only defaulted when she lost her job and couldn't find another one immediately... she didn't tell me because she was scared she'd let me down, so she was trying to find another job ASAP and get caught up on the payments before I found out, but I discovered this during her unemployment phase.

And then we lent her a few thousand to get a car, which she needed at the time and, once again, was unemployed.

Long story short, we ended up paying off the credit card and then lending her the money for the car, so she was $7,400 in debt to us. She made monthly payments every month starting last June.

Last month, she finished paying off the whole loan, every last cent, with interest.

So, I have forgiven her. Yeah, she did a lot of stupid crap and kind of dragged my (previously perfect) credit through the mud, but she paid us back every penny, with interest. I feel her debt to us has been paid, and I feel fortunate because I know this happens to a lot of people, and they end up not getting a red cent from their relatives.

Anyway, he hates her guts, she knows that, and thus I'm in the middle. DH doesn't want to do ANYTHING where she'll be there, which means I can never hang out with both of them, so I have to pick one or the other.

Since my sister and I went through a situation where our mother abandoned us (literally-- we never hear from her unless she needs money) to be with her current husband, and she totally chose him over us, and still does. So that makes me super-sensitive to this issue; I don't want to have to choose my husband (my sister's already been abandoned by her mom, and she's the only family that I'm close to), but I don't want to choose my sister, either, because then that means my marriage of 6 years (which is already really rocky) is definitely down the tubes.

Have you guys ever dealt with this before? Any advice?

MC

 

[LaughingWater]

Is the $7K the only reason your husband dislikes your sister?

I have begged my husband to be kind to family members he doesn't like, and I have asked for it as a special favor to me. When I put it that way, he gives in. He still crabs about them in private conversations between the two of us, but he is a gentleman at parties and other family functions, and sometimes I swear I see him soften a bit.

I would suggest talking to your husband with this in mind, but you've mentioned that the marriage is already rocky. (I'm so sorry to hear that.) Hearing that, I don't know if such a plea will sway him, but it's worth a try. It sounds like you're a great sister, and I'd hate to see you lose that relationship.

 

[hottiescientist]

Well, I'm in a relatively young marriage, and though I understand your husband's frustration, I guess I would tell him to learn how to be civil and polite for your sake. I could go into a long story about how my husband's mom screws us and other people over with cash (way over what you're talking about and there was no paying back), and my husband and her have a terrible relationship in a lot of ways, but in the end, she's still his mother and he still cares about her. Sometimes it feels like everything every word that comes out of her mouth makes me want to scream but I don't because it won't help anything. My husband knows how I feel but also really appreciates that I understand that it would be selfish of me of me to make him choose me over her. But that's where I am...I care most about my husband's feelings and I just don't want to make anything worse for him. If it gets really bad, I leave the room but seriously in my head I go "I love HIM, I love HIM." Maybe when your DH can get over the initial anger which is hard, he can move onto just focusing on your needs. This isn't much advice but at least you know that we sorta go through the same things...

 

[Govtgirl]

Ok, be really, totally, 100% honest with yourself, and ask yourself this question:
"Is my husband a good, kind, decent loving man?"

Your sister did you wrong, she screwed up BIG time that is true, but she owned up to it and paid you back, and made it right. That deserves respect. If she was making excuses I wouldn't say that. Is your husband is a good man, is he is trying to protect you from further hurt from your sister? Or is he just somebody that can only hold hate in his heart, that has no forgiveness, that can't stand you to have somebody other than himself in your life?

 

[celestialtimes]

Let me give you a similar spin on this one...

My ex husbands sister stole my identity...I'm not even going to disclose the amount because it makes my blood boil. I so wanted to press charges...but I got the whole..."well, she's my sister...she'll pay us back." Bull crap. She never did. She even forged my name on court documents and the only thing that saved my tail from going to jail was our signatures didn't match and she was 5'2'' weighing 125 pounds and I'm 5'6'' and have always been 140-overweight.

Every time I had enough...I'd threaten to leave, but it never mattered. he seemed to care more about her than me...I had to pay off every thing she did. I was so bitter in the end.

I still have one more thing to clear up and I'm still not sure how to go about it...and unfortunately, it's from 14 or 15 years ago...kind of sucks...I haven't been married to him for 4 years and I've since remarried.

So, I can see your husbands frustration. Money is something that comes between friends and family all the time.

Maybe your sister had good reason, but sometimes the other party see's things we don't see because we love our siblings. Maybe your sister needs to apologize to your DH. Maybe a confrontation about the situation would be good for everyone to help clear the air.

 

[Govtgirl]

Celeste brings up an excellent point: Has your sister apologized to your husband? She sounds like she has realized her mistakes and what she did wrong, and is a changed person. Maybe if she apologized from her heart to your husband, it would go a long way to fixing thier relationship.

If he's a good man that is looking out for your welfare, he's probably just been trying to protect you. He may be able to accept her apology and that could begin to fix things.

"HATE" is a very strong word and emotion. If he continues to *hate* her after an apology, and after she has shown that she has mended her ways, and won't even attempt to be polite, then he's got a problem.

And of course, if your sister had not turned herself around and made amends, this would be a totally different answer! But it seems like she deserves a chance.

 

[jonahnah]

I have lent only one family member money because she needed it desperately at the time to make payments on her student loans. She was working as a temp at the time and she paid me back within 2 months of getting a steady job and has never asked again. She has always been extremely frugal (doesn't own a car, computer or get cable TV). My DH didn't grumble when I lent the $$ because he knew my DS pinched her nickels until the buffalos pooped!

I wonder if your husband is expecting your sister to once again, lose her job and come looking to you for money. She's done it twice already.
How are your sister's spending habits now? Is she saving for a rainy day? Is she prepared for the coming downturn? Does she have a lot of debt?

Lastly, when you loaned her money before, did you discuss it with your husband? Did he know she was an authorized user on the CC? Some of his anger may be because he wasn't part of the decisions being made. I'm guessing he's pissed at you too for "gambling" with some of his financial security. Your credit rating affects him too when you buy an asset together. He may believe your DS will think twice about asking you for $$ next time knowing how he feels about her. (the best defense is a good offense!)

FWIW, it sounds like you and your DH need counseling. There's a lot more simmering under the surface if this makes you think you have to choose between the 2 of them. Take care--

 

[MCunningham]

Thanks for all of your input... I don't think my sister has apologized DIRECTLY to my husband... I talked to him about this last night and he said that that would be the only way he'd be willing to "make nice" with her (although, he also said, "why should I try to be nice? what's there to like about her?" which I thought was extremely hurtful... you may think that about your significant other's family, but you certainly shouldn't say it aloud.)

But he also said that if an apology came now, he'd know that it's because I mentioned something to my sister about it, and he doesn't want an apology that he has to ask for. While I understand that, I genuinely feel as though my sister's lengthy, deep apology to me was really meant for both me and DH. (She gets extremely nervous around him because she knows he is less than crazy about her, and clams up or leaves the room. She's aware that he's still bitter.) I've tried to explain that she's nervous around him so she probably won't approach him.

Anyway, DH isn't a bad guy, but he's really put me in a terrible situation. I don't just FEEL like I have to choose between them; he's outright said to me, "it's one or the other, you will never be able to hang out with us simultaneously." So I have to pick who to hang out with on my birthday, since it can't be both. I have to pick who to hang out with at Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's, since DH has made it clear that it can't be both. He truly doesn't seem to understand-- or care-- how much this is affecting me.

Also, yeah, to the person that suggested the counseling, I guess we'll try that. This will be attempt #2 at marriage counseling...

Anyway, thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.

MC

 

[SirenSongWoman]

I understand your husband's anger at your sister and agree that a sit-down - with some rules about boundaries understood beforehand (i.e., no yelling) - wherein your sister sincerely apologizes could help a lot. But it sounds like she's straightened up and done everything else she possibly can to make things right so if it doesn't, I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions about your husband's punitive nature. I worry that, from your sister's viewpoint (post sit-down), that she's done everything she possibly can and STILL it's not enough for your husband and I know that she's terrified of losing YOU because then, she'll be all alone. She's your blood, the only sister you have. If your husband insists on driving a wedge between you and your sister eventually, you'll come to despise him for it and she will then never be able to forgive you. So do the sit down and pray he listens and decides he's being to harsh. Your sister knows she's done wrong and is hurting but she's tried to do right and she needs her only sister.

BTW, I think his hostility towards her is much bigger than this. WHY? What man tells his wife It's ME or your SISTER? Does he also do this with your friends and acquaintances? Is this a pattern? It sounds like he's trying to get rid of the competition for your time.

 

[MCunningham]

He's always been jealous of her, even before this, because he says I care more about her than I do about him. I think this money issue just gave him ammo, and he's not quick to give it up. It's not a pattern with anyone else, just her. He's actually sort of been asking me to choose between them for a while... when I tell him that if he's going to force me to do that, then I pick her, he gets really angry... I don't think he has any right to be angry when he's the one trying to make me choose. I keep telling him that I would never put him in that position, but again... doesn't seem to care.

Anyway, thanks all for your support and for the input!

 

[jonahnah]

Wow! I didn't realize your DH put it so bluntly! I thought he was just making you feel that way. I'm sorry he's being so controlling on this--that's really out of line IMO. I can't believe any decent marriage counselor wouldn't tell him the same thing. Good luck and I hope you're able to come to a workable solution soon!

 

[SirenSongWoman]

He's always been jealous of her, even before this, because he says I care more about her than I do about him. I think this money issue just gave him ammo, and he's not quick to give it up. It's not a pattern with anyone else, just her. He's actually sort of been asking me to choose between them for a while... when I tell him that if he's going to force me to do that, then I pick her, he gets really angry... I don't think he has any right to be angry when he's the one trying to make me choose. I keep telling him that I would never put him in that position, but again... doesn't seem to care.

Anyway, thanks all for your support and for the input!

In light of all this I'd say there's no way I'd cut off MY sister. He's got a problem and if he's willing to go to counseling (perhaps all 3 of you), great. I think it would be quite a learning experience. If not... I can't speak for you and I have no sisters but, if it were me my feeling would be men come and go (even when you marry them), but a sister is forever.

 

[celestialtimes]

He's always been jealous of her, even before this, because he says I care more about her than I do about him. I think this money issue just gave him ammo, and he's not quick to give it up. It's not a pattern with anyone else, just her. He's actually sort of been asking me to choose between them for a while... when I tell him that if he's going to force me to do that, then I pick her, he gets really angry... I don't think he has any right to be angry when he's the one trying to make me choose. I keep telling him that I would never put him in that position, but again... doesn't seem to care.

Anyway, thanks all for your support and for the input!

Wow! That is a whole other ball of wax.

Counseling is a must here. My hope is that there's an under lying problem something deeper than just your sister. One should not have to choose between family and a SO. Men do come and go and you really need to ask yourself if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel.

There's a GREAT book out there... http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350 that you may want to think about reading. I'm no counselor but everyone deserves peace and happiness.

Life is a one shot event and there's no rewind or do over. Walking on egg shells or having to worry about who you have to celebrate this holiday with, then that's nothing but stress...and who wants to live like that. I have to do this with my adoptive parents and my mom and I dread the holidays with a passion.

I recently got married and my "adopted" mom was so upset that I invited my real mom. I'm 36 years old...my real mom just turned 50...I know what I was doing at 14 and it sure didn't resemble taking care of a child and a family. Sure, her choices, or lack there of, effected my life in ways that are...well whatever...but I can't hate her for her mistakes.

Over the years, I've had to make those choices. And I refuse to anymore. Christmas used to be the worst and my new husband put his foot down. Christmas is about family...birthdays are about you...Thanksgiving is about family...I've scene the feudingest of families sit down and put their differences aside in the name of a holiday.

Good luck to you!