I feel like I keep coming up on the same issue with the guys I date. My new guy says we should go to dinner this week...a German restaurant that I said earlier we should check out some time, then talks about looking into doing an overnight trip somewhere an hour away and getting show tickets/dinner package as well for next month. Then he mentions to me that his business is now going into the slow season (mentioned 3 times now in the last week) and we need financial support for our "dating practices". I don't think we've done anything extravagant and I never asked to be taken overnight anywhere so why is he mentioning it to me if he doesn't have the money? Now I feel like I'm breaking this guy financially and I never asked for anything. We've been dating for a month. I just went through a similar thing with the last guy I dated with making plans to do things and then him making comments about not having money right after. What is going on? I feel guilty for something I'm not responsible for and I also wonder if these guys are just trying to get out of doing things....so confused.
Why do guys do this??
- Thread starter divagirl
- Start date
It's sucker punch...don't fall for it!! They just wanna see if you're gonna offer some $$.
Not that I have a problem with that, but like you said, they are the ones making all the suggestions...therefore if they don't have the $$ they should keep their mouths shut!!
~Marietta
http://graphics.GlitterMaker.com/6/875/115861329517270.gif
http://www.picturetrail.com/fitxme
Not that I have a problem with that, but like you said, they are the ones making all the suggestions...therefore if they don't have the $$ they should keep their mouths shut!!
~Marietta
http://graphics.GlitterMaker.com/6/875/115861329517270.gif
http://www.picturetrail.com/fitxme
Agzo
Cathlete
If you haven't asked for any of it then don't feel guilty. If they feel they need to do things like that to impress you that is their insecurity. However I do want to see that I've always been one of those pay for my own stuff girls and once you start this it seems impossible to go back so don't offer it up especially if you cant or don't want to. I think you can tell alot about some one when you see what they are will to do for love or for money. It might give you some deeper insight into their ability to budget and set prorities. Like you said you did ask to go on overnight trips and there are a lot of other ways to show someone you care about them.
I think I'm rambling now...I hope you can enjoy spending time with this guy without him making you feel guilty.
~Angel
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?username=agzo&x=0&y=0
I think I'm rambling now...I hope you can enjoy spending time with this guy without him making you feel guilty.
~Angel
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?username=agzo&x=0&y=0
How unfortunate for you. I think you should ask him straight out if he expects you to contribute towards the dates now and in the future. If so, and you don't think that is fair then say so; tell him that you did not make any suggestions for a weekend away.
Just embarass him by telling that if he doesn't have the money then don't be so extravagant.
Some of these men are bloody cheeky, bragging about salary, homes and cars and how comfortably off they are, but they then expect to go Dutch at a restaurant. I don't mind going 50/50 but I resent it when they lie about themselves.
I think he's after your money so ditch him!
Just embarass him by telling that if he doesn't have the money then don't be so extravagant.
Some of these men are bloody cheeky, bragging about salary, homes and cars and how comfortably off they are, but they then expect to go Dutch at a restaurant. I don't mind going 50/50 but I resent it when they lie about themselves.
I think he's after your money so ditch him!
LauraMax
Cathlete
I have to wonder about this. I've said it before--I'm kind of old school when it comes to dating & I really do think the guy should pick up the tab in the initial phase of the relationship. Part of the reason I feel this way is b/c men still make more than women for the same jobs. Part of it is my silly traditional upbringing.
That said, when it comes to this specific situation I would be pretty annoyed. Guilt wouldn't even enter the picture LOL. I mean, I wouldn't mind dating someone I really liked if we just went out for pizza or sandwiches--it's not like I'd expect a fancy, expensive meal or a weekend out of town. And I would take income into account--like, if the guy made twice as much as I did I surely would expect him to pay for dinner, show, whatever.
But if he brings it up & he wants to make the plans then gosh darnit he needs to fork up the dough. Divagirl, if he is already making money an issue after a month I'd write him off post haste.
That said, when it comes to this specific situation I would be pretty annoyed. Guilt wouldn't even enter the picture LOL. I mean, I wouldn't mind dating someone I really liked if we just went out for pizza or sandwiches--it's not like I'd expect a fancy, expensive meal or a weekend out of town. And I would take income into account--like, if the guy made twice as much as I did I surely would expect him to pay for dinner, show, whatever.
But if he brings it up & he wants to make the plans then gosh darnit he needs to fork up the dough. Divagirl, if he is already making money an issue after a month I'd write him off post haste.
>God, do you really think this guy is trying to do this? I'm
>so angry right now I feel like just breaking all dates
>planned. He owns his own business and has a beautiful loft
>apartment and now has no money for a $50 dinner?
Maybe he is cheap. I've dated guys with plenty of money to travel, have flashy cars and apartments, etc. and yet still expect me to pay for my half when we go out.
>so angry right now I feel like just breaking all dates
>planned. He owns his own business and has a beautiful loft
>apartment and now has no money for a $50 dinner?
Maybe he is cheap. I've dated guys with plenty of money to travel, have flashy cars and apartments, etc. and yet still expect me to pay for my half when we go out.
bjbowers
Cathlete
"My new guy says we should go to dinner this week...a German restaurant that I said earlier we should check out some time, then talks about looking into doing an overnight trip somewhere an hour away and getting show tickets/dinner package as well for next month. Then he mentions to me that his business is now going into the slow season (mentioned 3 times now in the last week) and we need financial support for our "dating practices". "
Maybe it's just me, but I don't see anything wrong with this. You say you've been dating for a month, so it just sounds like he's getting comfortable with you, but since his business will get slow, he thinks it's time you start sharing the cost of things you do want to do together. Have you only been out with him on a couple dates or something in this last month? Do you personally feel like there comes a time in a relationship when you do start contributing?
Brandi
Maybe it's just me, but I don't see anything wrong with this. You say you've been dating for a month, so it just sounds like he's getting comfortable with you, but since his business will get slow, he thinks it's time you start sharing the cost of things you do want to do together. Have you only been out with him on a couple dates or something in this last month? Do you personally feel like there comes a time in a relationship when you do start contributing?
Brandi
There are plenty of things to do that doesn't have to involve restaurants, weekend trips, etc. if someone is trying to save some money. When you like someone you don't need a fancy restaurant atmosphere to make things interesting. Sometimes renting some DVDs and making dinner at home can do the trick. I just think that he should've never suggested an overnight trip (that includes show tickets/dinner package) if he knew he was going to ask for her half. If he doesn't have the money how does he know she has it?
Hmmm...lets see...we've had 6 dates thus far with 7 and 8 coming up.
Date 1: drinks and appetizer (he paid)
Date 2: dinner at his place (I bring choc. covered strawberries)
Date 3: japanese restaurant(he paid) with drinks afterwards(I paid)
Date 4: wine festival(I bought his ticket $30) he paid for parking and some hotdogs/drinks
Date 5: Haunted house-he paid
Date 6: Watch movie at his house- I brought over pizza/drinks
Yeah, I think he hasn't broken the bank to be making these comments. I've been contributing since date #2 and I feel like I deserve more than how I'm feeling right now.
Date 1: drinks and appetizer (he paid)
Date 2: dinner at his place (I bring choc. covered strawberries)
Date 3: japanese restaurant(he paid) with drinks afterwards(I paid)
Date 4: wine festival(I bought his ticket $30) he paid for parking and some hotdogs/drinks
Date 5: Haunted house-he paid
Date 6: Watch movie at his house- I brought over pizza/drinks
Yeah, I think he hasn't broken the bank to be making these comments. I've been contributing since date #2 and I feel like I deserve more than how I'm feeling right now.
Well like I already said. Maybe he is cheap.
After seeing your dates so far I don't think it has been one sided at all.
I dated a guy once with plenty of money to travel all around the world several times a year, with a penthouse apartment and a sports car and he took me to Denny's... oh and he made a comment about how women should pay for their half of everything... (lol)
After seeing your dates so far I don't think it has been one sided at all.
I dated a guy once with plenty of money to travel all around the world several times a year, with a penthouse apartment and a sports car and he took me to Denny's... oh and he made a comment about how women should pay for their half of everything... (lol)
Hey Diva,
When he makes the comments about needing financial support, is he directing that at you (as in, "give me some financial support in these dates) or is he just making general jokes/comments about money? It might be that he is embarrassed that his business is slow right now, and doesn't want to come out and say, "Things are tight, I can't afford this and that." Clearly you have contributed, so it would be odd for him to be insinuating that you haven't.
Sparrow
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
When he makes the comments about needing financial support, is he directing that at you (as in, "give me some financial support in these dates) or is he just making general jokes/comments about money? It might be that he is embarrassed that his business is slow right now, and doesn't want to come out and say, "Things are tight, I can't afford this and that." Clearly you have contributed, so it would be odd for him to be insinuating that you haven't.
Sparrow
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
It's not directed to me just general comments/jokes. I sent him an email about all this since I'm supposed to be going to dinner tomorrow night with him and now I just don't feel like it. Here's what I wrote:
"I am having a concern that I would like to address. Lately you've been mentioning to me that your business is now in its slow season and I am getting the feeling you are very concerned about it. Last night you made a comment about us having people "finance our dating practices". As for the Renaissance faire, I would be perfectly fine with just going for the day and not doing anything extravagant by staying overnight or doing dinner/show. Even last week you commented to me a couple times about our "buy one get one free" night at the Penitentary. If money is tight I surely understand budgeting but things are just being brought to my attention and I can't help but wonder if it is intentional. At the moment I feel uncomfortable with these comments as it is making me feel that our dating is a strain to you and I don't get any enjoyment going out on dates if this is an issue for you. So maybe you can tell me what your view is."
"I am having a concern that I would like to address. Lately you've been mentioning to me that your business is now in its slow season and I am getting the feeling you are very concerned about it. Last night you made a comment about us having people "finance our dating practices". As for the Renaissance faire, I would be perfectly fine with just going for the day and not doing anything extravagant by staying overnight or doing dinner/show. Even last week you commented to me a couple times about our "buy one get one free" night at the Penitentary. If money is tight I surely understand budgeting but things are just being brought to my attention and I can't help but wonder if it is intentional. At the moment I feel uncomfortable with these comments as it is making me feel that our dating is a strain to you and I don't get any enjoyment going out on dates if this is an issue for you. So maybe you can tell me what your view is."
Honestly, he just sounds kind of cheap, given that half of your dates haven't really involved any significant investment. I mean, I could see if you were regularly going places really expensive, every time, but clearly you're not, and you have certainly been contributing and not in any way freeloading.
Some people are just obsessed with money. On the other hand, perhaps he is just making general-type conversational comments and you're personalizing it a bit. It will be interesting to see how he responds...
Some people are just obsessed with money. On the other hand, perhaps he is just making general-type conversational comments and you're personalizing it a bit. It will be interesting to see how he responds...
Ok...I got an extremely sweet response back from this guy about how he found humor in what I wrote since he's actually going to be making more in his personal finances this year and our dating is certainly NOT an issue and is sorry if he in anyway made me feel that way. Also went on to mention that he's been having a GREAT time with me and can't wait to continue doing so, Wants to stay overnight with me for this faire, etc. etc. I feel like an IDIOT now. Of course one of my friends said how wonderful his email is despite the tone of my email and I just felt more like a heel. 