When did you realize not to worry????

L

lorihart

Cathlete
Weird question? I am one of those people who always worry about what another thinks of me.I don't want to do anything out of the way b/c I don't want anyone to to talk about me.
I was reading an article in a mag the other day and it was (i think) about an actress.She says that she use to worry about what people thought of her (when she was in her 20's) but now that she is a little older she doesn't care.As long as her DH and kids are happy,thats all that matters.
I am slowly getting to this point.Something happened at work the other day, among co-workers, one of the girls wanted me to work for her that night but I had just gotten back into town,my house was a mess and don't ask me to work for you 2 hours before your shift.I need atleast a couple of days notice for this kind of stuff.But why would they understand? They still live with their parents and they don't have any kids.I flat out said no....I would but I can't.The other two were whining about how I wouldn't help the other girl out, and I am looking at them, thinking,how would ANY of you know what lifes responsibilites are about?
Anyway,I was just wondering when I will get to that point of I don't care? I am slowly getting there and I don't let people walk over me like I once did but I can't wait to be able to tell people....this is the way it is, like it or not!
Lori:)
 
Hi Lori,

Not a weird question at all. I am the same way - I am a people pleaser and I will inconvenience myself to avoid disappointing others. I am better around some people than with others but overall I am still a "wimp" who rarely stands up for myself (for lack of a better word). Anyway, I'm like you in that I am slowly getting there but I'm anxious to see how others respond. Just know you're not alone. Take care, Wendy
 
Lori,

Your 40's will be very liberating.

I have found that as far as what people think about the way I dress and my behavior....I could care less anymore. I believe it comes with maturity and gaining confidence in who you are. I've always been a bit of a rebel and more liberal than people around me. This used to cause me a great deal of pain when I was younger because I was misunderstood a lot. Also, when I was younger, I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings so lots of times I wasn't genuine in my approach to people. As I've matured, I have become much more honest, direct and assertive. This tends to make some people uncomfortable (especially the male gender), but, I notice, especially at work, people treat me with a lot more respect...and I am much more comfortable in my own skin.

YOU HAD EVERY RIGHT TO EXPECT NOTIFICATION OF HAVING TO WORK FOR SOMEONE. It's called setting boundaries....and we women traditionally have a hard time doing that. The more you set your boundaries, the better you will get at doing it.

THEY WILL GET OVER IT!

I still have a problem with wanting my house to be in order, which I don't think is such a bad thing...but I try not to be too anal about it.
 
LOL Candi can't wait for my 40s--I'm 36 & over the last 5 years or so--after a bad divorce & my career really starting to move--that I have a newfound confidence in myself. Like, I don't consider myself perfect by any means but I feel like I'm a well rounded individual that people are fortunate to know. Not vanity per say.........well, maybe just a little vanity......but more self confidence.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is the only person you truly have to please is yourself. When you feel confident in being the person you truly are & not the person you think people want you to be, then you end up being the person people want you to be. (oh man that sentence had such bad syntax & was so convoluted, I hope it makes even a little bit of sense)

Be true to yourself, seek happiness from the inside instead of the outside, & you'll find what you're looking for.
 
Maximus,

Actually, a lot of my confidence came to my after my divorce (after 21 years of marriage). I thought I wouldn't be able to survive after a failed marriage. But I did!!!!! And much better off to boot!

I have to laugh cause this weekend I was telling DH about a discussion I had with my boss and he said to me "You really have grown a set of balls". I took that as a huge compliment.

:7
 
Hi, Lori. Boy, does this question bring back memories for me. For me, it was a gradual thing. About 25 years ago, (I'm 45) I had a conversation with my Dad about things that were bothering me at the time. One of the things he said to me in the course of the conversation was "You don't say what you need to say to people. I find that to be a fault with you. You need to say what you need to say, even to me." That was an "aha" (ala Oprah) moment. I read an article in '92 "You can overcome negative emotions." That article dealt a lot with self-talk, what we say to ourselves, and how that motivates us. I didn't realize to apply it to my situation of always wanted to please and be liked by everyone, which is not necessarily a bad thing, until it's taken to the extreme, which is what I did. I realized that in therapy, probably about two years later. I realized the therapist was telling me the same thing that article was saying, and that I needed to apply it.

I have come to realize that not everyone is going to like me, be happy with me or understand me. Who cares? I have learned to set priorities, which has helped me to set appropriate boundaries. When things bother me and I still worry about things, I have learned to say to myself, "Enough thinking about it. It's done. If they don't like it, too bad. I've done the best I can, and that's all anyone can ask. I am not perfect and I make mistakes. Now, let me see what old movie is on TCM."

I guess what I'm trying to say is you did very well in not working when it was not possible for you. Who cares if they understand what it's like to take care of your responsibilities? You do, and you did what was best for you, not because you are selfish, like they are trying to imply, but because you had things to take care of. Now, go see what old movie is on TCM.
 
Candi, that is a compliment! I've had similar problems professionally--especially being petite & "cute" (god how I hate being called that!). We're not supposed to be aggressive (although I prefer assertive) & confident--men find that really intimidating. And intimidating is something that I've been called a lot! And I take that as a compliment as well!}(
 
>I have come to realize that not everyone is going to like me,
>be happy with me or understand me. Who cares? I have learned
>to set priorities, which has helped me to set appropriate
>boundaries. When things bother me and I still worry about
>things, I have learned to say to myself, "Enough thinking
>about it. It's done. If they don't like it, too bad. I've
>done the best I can, and that's all anyone can ask. I am not
>perfect and I make mistakes. Now, let me see what old movie
>is on TCM."

Thank you! This is very timely for me... I am still almost obsessed, nearly 18 months after the fact, about a "friend" I lost halfway through my first year of business school. He literally started hating me all of a sudden, and even when I confronted him, never would tell me why. We had mutual friends, so it made the remainder of my time in graduate school socially awkward because he wouldn't even be civil to me. I can't believe I still think about it so much, but I try to tell myself that I did what I could and it's his problem-- not mine.

Now I think I'll go see what's on TLC... :)
 
Good question, Lori.

I used to worry so much about everything as a kid that I had terrible trouble sleeping and what I now realize were like mini-panic attacks when I was just eight. It was probably when I was about 18 that I stopped worrying so much about things that really don't matter and what others think of me. I think to some degree, we all want to be accepted and loved. People always used to tell me that I shouldn't try to please others while sacrificing my own happiness. I still like to help out others as much as I can, but I'm not afraid to say "no" now.

I think the turning point for me happened when my depression got really bad and I left school and stopped socializing. I was always so worried about getting A's, making my parents happy, etc. When things got bad, I thought, "Wow, this other crap really doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things." In the past few years, I've still been dealing with the agoraphobia issues, which means the people I see most are my immediate family. I realize that these are the people, and a few close friends also, who will stick by me no matter what. If other people don't approve of me in whatever way, too bad.

I don't want to knock any 20 somethings, but many are still living it up, partying all the time, and have no idea about what their values are. Of course these girls at work don't "get" you! Mature people would be considerate of your other responsibilities and wouldn't judge you unfairly. I hope you are able to get to the point where that stuff doesn't bother you anymore. Yes, it's annoying, and it probably always will be, but it's nothing to lose sleep over :)

Good for you for saying no!
 
Hi Lori,

This isn't weird question. I'm going to make suggestion - try exposing yourself to some people who have REAL problems and worries. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, battered women’s shelter, soup kitchen, meals-on-wheels, etc.

When you’re able to empathize with people who struggle with the basic day-to-day needs of providing food and shelter for themselves and family, things like what “what does so-and-so think of me” will mean absolutely squat to you. It’ll be very enlightening and you’ll appreciate all that you have and worry much less about all that stuff that doesn’t really matter anyway.

Worrying about small stuff wastes too much valuable energy. I know, because I used to do that too. Good luck. :)
 
Great topic. I struggle with the same thing too. People-pleaser willing to inconvenience myself to yield to others.
 
>Thank you! This is very timely for me... I am still almost
>obsessed, nearly 18 months after the fact, about a "friend" I
>lost halfway through my first year of business school. He
>literally started hating me all of a sudden, and even when I
>confronted him, never would tell me why. We had mutual
>friends, so it made the remainder of my time in graduate
>school socially awkward because he wouldn't even be civil to
>me. I can't believe I still think about it so much, but I try
>to tell myself that I did what I could and it's his problem--
>not mine.
>
>Now I think I'll go see what's on TLC... :)

I'm going through the same thing with a girl, although she was never my friend. It's hard for me to let it go because I like to have peace with people and the fact that I don't have peace with her bothers the heck out of me. I guess it's the people-pleaser in me that prevents me from letting it go. But yeah, it takes an effort to let it go. Whenever I think about her, I try to stop myself and lecture myself to stop thinking about her.
 
>I have come to realize that not everyone is going to like me,
>be happy with me or understand me. Who cares? I have learned
>to set priorities, which has helped me to set appropriate
>boundaries. When things bother me and I still worry about
>things, I have learned to say to myself, "Enough thinking
>about it. It's done. If they don't like it, too bad. I've
>done the best I can, and that's all anyone can ask. I am not
>perfect and I make mistakes. Now, let me see what old movie
>is on TCM."

More great advice! Thanks for sharing it.
 
Repeat to yourself, like a mantra, the phrase, "I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior ... only my own." Works like a charm for me every time. You don't have to rationalize your decisions to anyone but yourself. As long as you know in your heart you acted in good faith, you're good to go. Let them whine. Until they walk in your shoes, they truly don't understand where you're coming from. And if they don't want to bother to take the time and try to understand it from someone's point of view other than their own, that's their problem - not yours. For what it's worth, I would have said "no" in that situation as well. I think you did just fine, Lori.

Carol
:)
 
By going through many, many scenarios like the one you describe. That's how I got over it. I had to realize, too, that NO ONE was more important, better, or more worthy than me. Just the same as me, no better. THEN, I didn't care what they thought.

I have recently increased that feeling to INCLUDE my dh and sons. They are just gonna have to love me as is. :7

You just get too TIRED of making other people happy over yourself. I'll clue you---menopause helps this. You become very secure in yourself and like yourself and don't care what others think. I't's one of the (few) cool things about gettign older. ;-)
 
Thanks everyone for your responses. I figured that with time,and getting older,I would become alittle more outspoken and not worry about the small things.
Even my friend said to me the other day, "your alot more out spken then you use to me,good for you". I hoped at some point I wouldn't let people walk over me so much.
And I am to the point of "if you don't like it tough" but I still need to improve on my approach to other people.If I am in a conversation I can handle things fine.But if I hear that someone said something (which is very rare) I will let it go and it may be monthes before I ever mention it.
My daugther is the opposite of me.Although when I was her age I said exactly what I wanted.The other day she had a couple of friends over and she hurt one my accident,(opening a door or something)they all got a little mad with her b/c they thought she tried it.She told them it was an accident,she apologized and then she said, if you don't like it, you can all go home!:eek: Much more out spoken then her mother.Prehaps I should get her to fight my battles;)
Lori:)
 
I don't worry about what people think. 95% of the time. Mostly because the issue isn't whether THEY like me or not. It's wether I like them. If I love/respect/look up to them...then it matters. But if they are just people or co workers or acquaintances in general then it matters not. You don't have to convince people you're a good person.
 
Lori ~ Ditto what Candi said! This was the first thing I thought of as well; wait until you are in your 40's! I don't care what people think or say either. Don't feel bad about not working for this person. Your priorities are in the right place and don't feel bad about it! They will get over it and if they don't, who cares, that's their problem, not yours.

Keep your chin up! Do what you want to do and not what someone else thinks you should do. You'll be much happier in the end.;-)
 
I didn't get my "balls" until my 40's either. I am 46 and feeling great - I am in shape and look about 36 anyway I had an associate comment on my clothes being for 20 year old and not a woman who is almost 50 - because I wear a lot bright colors. I dress fashionably but not risque (at work anyway). I told her that I was my own woman and wore what "I" liked, I don't dress to please anyone but myself and if I wanted to wear shorts that showed by butt cheeks I would. 10 years ago I probably would have thought I needed a new hum drum wardrobe and never worn the outfit again. Anyway, mine also came with getting to know myself, gaining confidence, being secure in who I am and also liking who I am - now I only try to please me and worry about my family.
 
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