What just happened?

L

lrhollid

Cathlete
I feel like I'm going crazy tonight (and I apologize, this is going to be a looong post). My husband and I have been married for six and half years, the first five of which were pure hell. He was suffering from depression and a series of bad jobs; during this time he was *very* controlling; he would nag me, accuse me constantly of being angry all the time, he would talk endlessly about how stupid women were (his boss, in both bad jobs, was a woman), he would complain about how weird people in my profession were (sometimes with a, 'but not you!'). When I would try to talk to him, he would stop listening, and has even left the room. If I acted hurt, he would get really upset and claim he was tired from work, why wouldn't I just let him alone? Five years of that killed me. I tried to leave him, but he threated suicide and I believed him. We never spoke of it again.

Here it is two years later, and I find myself getting upset over what happened then. I'm numb inside; we don't touch, we don't talk about anything substantial, and I'm so lonely. I've called a therapist to make an appointment for this week, but wouldn't you know it, things have to blow up before then.

Tonight, he's been on practically glued to my hip. He follows me to bed early and wants to talk. He starts to tell me how he's been so worried that something is wrong, that when there is something wrong with me, it makes him feel bad, that he's sorry to be so needy, but something just doesn't feel right.

It never quite escalated into a fight, but when I finally told him that I couldn't get over what had happened earlier in our marriage, he ends up crying, tells me I just don't understand how much he loves me and runs out of the room. (There's more, but I'm condensing). I couldn't get him to talk or reason, though perhaps I was asking too much. I have never been able to tell him how I feel because he freaks out like this; I can't talk about my emotions, unless it's stress/work related; I can't talk about our marriage; I can't talk to him period about anything important without getting this type of reaction.

I can't tell if I'm being manipulated or not. He's really a very nice man (the hateful comments about women, aggressive behavior stopped about two years ago); he's generous with things... but I still feel empty inside. That stuff doesn't mean anything to me because it isn't what I want.

Is it me? I can't tell if I'm being cold and hateful, or if my emotions are real. Am I focusing on what happened years ago too much and not letting go? I'm so numb inside I don't think I love him anymore....I don't have the energy for this.
 
I have no idea what you must be going through but I just wanted to chime in.
I think what you are feeling is normal. 5 yrs is a long time to go through something like this and I think peoples feelings can change, I know mine would. The man you are seeing now, is probably the real man you married a while back and he probably isn't manupilating you, its just that you don't know the difference b/c you are haunted by the first few yrs of your marriage.
In saying this, I also have NO experience with depression either. Im sure it must be terrible for all people involved.And I think you will get lots of advice from people here about depression so maybe you will wrap your head around that a little more.
IMO, I think you need to go ahead with your counselling sessions. You may come to terms with your real feelings and get the answers you are looking for. I don't think anyone here can tell you what you are trying to sort out but a professional who hears the whole story and meets both parties involved probably could.
Good luck to both of you!

Lori:)
 
I agree with Lori. You're too entrenched in the situation and it's too convoluted for you to figure out alone, and it doesn't sound like you two can even sit down and rationally discuss things without it escalating out of control.

You need a therapist - someone in a neutral position to help you both. I think you'll at least feel like you did something to help save the marriage vs. just giving up. Do you think he'd be up to that?

I'm so sorry. I don't think I could have lasted for 5 years, though, in conditions like you described. Depression can be so elusive and such a black cloud. It's good you sound proactive about the situation. I hope he does too.

Let us know how it goes,
Heidi
 
It sounds like you might have already checked out of this marriage but have stayed put (and sacrificed your own needs) in order to stabilize him. It's understandable that years of this would have a numbing effect. ITA with what the previous posters have said, and I hope that individual and/or joint counseling can help you explore the issues and determine what is best for you. Hang in there -- that therapy session's just around the corner.

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/ee296/runninteach/exercise/th_SnowBunny_tns.jpg

http://img16.glitterfy.com/53/glitterfy084824T933D37.gif
 
I think it sounds like he has some emotional/mental problems, and needs professional help dealing with them. He may not be intentionally manipulative, buy he seems emotionally unstable from your description.

I also think often women take on a 'caretaker' role, or think more about others than themselves.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you, and I agree that you emotionally checked out of the mariage a while ago, but stuck it out out of fear of what he would do to himself.
 
From where I sit, it looks like he was successful in controlling you with hostility-laden emotional and verbal abuse for five years, and as that gradually caused you to callous up emotionally, he's now reverted to controlling you with tears and hyper-emotionalism any time you need to talk about YOU. And I don't buy the depression defense. Controlling individuals are far too apt to throw all of their toxic behavior into the depression bin. The old "I'm Not A Stinker I'm Sick" mantra.

The fact that, just now in the wake of your contacting a therapist - an "outsider" who might threaten his control over you - he's now glued to your hip, following you around and wanting to talk you out of concentrating on you and bring the focus back on him, is actually quite predictable given his past behavior.

I'll bet a dollar his self-perceived, late-coming "generosity" is as self-serving as his emotional abuse - AND his threats of suicide when you talked about ending the marriage - was. And is.

In all candor, he doesn't sound like a nice man to me. He may be gifted at pushing your buttons and timing things so that he follows up a slap with a kiss (rhetorically speaking), but nice men do not treat their wives / SOs like that.

I urge you to continue with your plan to seek counseling. I also urge you to pay close attention to his behavior AND your gut sense of physical safety. Controlling people who perceive that their old control tactics are slipping away, especially those who have theatened suicide if their SOs talk about ending or leaving the relationship, are at risk of sliding over the line from emotional abuse to physical abuse even if physical abuse was not present in the relationship before now.

Take care of yourself, LRHollid. It's long overdue.

A-Jock
 
Once you start seeing a therapist things will be more clearer to you. They have a way to help you bring out and understand things. It's OK not to do anything at the moment. Give yourself some time for yourself with the councilor.

(((((hugs)))) your way.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

http://www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
 
I have to say I completely agree with Annette on this one. I had a dear friend who was in a very similar situation. She didn't seek help--she thought she could handle it on her own and the story doesn't have a happy ending. resist the temptation to make excuses, or to take the blame and trust your gut instinct.
 
I feel for you deeply and I can identify with quite a bit of what you wrote in your post.

Here's my background. We've been married 10 years. I'm 32, he's 35 and we have a 2 year old daughter. He began having prostate trouble about 1 1/2 years ago and with that came depression and him crying everyday and I was, and at times still am, being a single mom who did everything I could. As time went by I felt myself becoming bitter and angry at him for "ruining our lives". Finally about 2 weeks ago I told him I was done. I can't live like this anymore. I was walking on eggshells because I didn't know if it was going to be a good day or a day I'd find him crying in the bathroom. I just wanted to run. For the first time in 2 years we had a heart to heart conversation and I think I finally got through to him how I felt without the conversation turning into "poor him". Since our talk, things have been so much better and I feel like there's a bit of hope. I hate to throw it all away because we have a daughter and I don't know what tomorrow will bring but for now I'm going to try but it's so hard to know if it's time to let go or to hold on for another day in the hopes of finding the man you once were so madly in love with.

I think you both should see a therapist to help him with the depression and to help you figure out if things are worth saving and to know for sure if you don't love him or if it's still there but just clouded by the past you just can't get over.

My husband has been seeing a therapist and we're going to start going together so we're not just 2 people living in the same house but actually so we can be "married" again.

Sorry this is so long but I hope it helps and if you want to pm me please do. <<<<Hugs>>>>
 
I guess I disagree with the general trend. I agree with Kathryn: it is HE who needs to seek a therapist. You do not. You just need to cut those ties once and for all and leave. Every bone in your body is telling you to go. What are you waiting for? You have stuck a bad situation for long enough. This is your life and you owe him nothing more, if you ever owed him anything at all.

He needs to work on himself and then once he has, and it could take a couple of years, if you are still in contact with him, you can see if he is someone you still want in your life.

But I think you need to grieve the relationship, like any death or loss, and then move on and then work on healing yourself with new people in your life.

There's a very sensible book by Peter Kramer entitled, "Should I leave...?" It might help you.

Clare
 
Follow the advice given by Clare, Beaves and Annette. You need professional help to learn to be able to move on and possibly out. He needs the counselling because he suffers depression and is still manipulating and controlling, he is not a very well man.

Good luck seek help and you deserve to be happy.
Andrea
 
Thank you all for your responses. We talked for a bit this morning, but I just can't help feeling he's trying to manipulate me emotionally (everything I do is for you, I love you so much, etc.) He began by telling me if I was going to leave, just do it quickly-- I never mentioned leaving to him, just that I wanted to see a therapist. . Why does everything have to come down to divorce with him? Good grief, that's one of the big reasons I never talk to him about how I feel: little things get blown out of proportion, and it's just not worth it.I'm concerned, however, that I'm reading too much into his responses, and seeing manipulation where there is only real emotion; I told him I thought he was manipulating me last night, and he's told me at least five times that he's scared to say anything because I'll think it's manipulative

Some part of me feels I am being selfish...that I am the one making a mountain out of a molehill. All I have to do is shut up and life goes back to normal. It's not horrible or anything, just lonely and there doesn't seem to be much to look forward to anymore.

Sigh.
 
LRHollid, your last three sentences said it all.

"All I have to do is shut up and life goes back to normal. It's not horrible or anything, just lonely and there doesn't seem to be much to look forward to anymore. Sigh."

My beloved friend in Cathe, I say this to you: Bleak is NOT normal. And bleak is what you are living right now. He's very gifted at shutting you down when you try to focus on you by blowing things out of proportion and diverting the conversational focus to an unmentioned crisis.

Listen to your gut on this one, and have your therapist listen to you as well. Clearly your husband is not interested in listening to you at all, and you do deserve a skilled and empathetic ear.

A-Jock
 
I agree with Annette on the symbolic value of the last sentences of your post. They are very telling and they say exactly why you need to be done with this relationship. Don't you think you deserve more? You do. This man's genius has been into making you only think about him and not about your own life and happiness. The book I mentioned by Peter Kramer will help you sort out what you owe to him and what you owe to yourself in this and any other relationship you ever form. It has to be a balance and to date, there has been no balance in your relationship with this man: it has all been about him. I am not surprised you feel lonely. Loneliness in a marriage can be devastating. I feel it all the time and am thinking of leaving myself. You and I only have one life. Think: what do you owe to yourself?

Clare
 
Hi

I agree with Annette.

He has managed to manipulate so far and so long and has done with skills that you don't even realize it. He has made everything sound like it's all your fault (I am having a tough time, why can't you be more understanding routine is not going to stop). I have been there. I dealt with it for more than 10 years. It drains you and makes you feel like crap.

My advice to you is get out while you still have a little bit of yourself left in you. You have to do what's best for you now. Not what's best for him.

He hasn't done anything for you while you have sacrificed yourself for his sake. This man is not going to stop cornering you. He will do everything he can to keep you where you are. Trust me, as soon as he sees that this " I love you so much" gimmick has worked and you stay, he will drop that act and he'll be back to how he was before. If " I love you so much" doesn't work, he will try another guilt trip to make you stay.

He needs to face whatever problems he has alone now. You have done enough for him.

You will feel like much better about yourself, once you leave him. Your time will be yours to do what you please.

Good Luck

Penny
 
My .02

You cannot make him happy, it is his job.

Perhaps your therapist can guide you in the right direction and maybe the two of you can get counseled together if he will not go on his own.

You must take care of you.
 
LRHollid,
I agree with Annette wholeheartedly! But even in the event that his emotions are "real" and he's trying to reach out to you, it's clear that the only way he knows how to do that is through manipulation. Whether or not he is doing it intentionally is not the question at this point.

You're unhappy. And should NOT feel bad because of that. It sounds like the best thing for now is for you to distance yourself from the situation. And if you need to talk to someone to get you through it, then that's what you should do. But staying in a situation where you can only respond with "it's not THAT bad"....happily married and emotionally healthy people do not respond like that.

Take care of you first. I suspect you know this and want to do it, otherwise you would not have posted this out here. It's OK to do what you need to do. You've tried to make him happy for years and that has not succeeded in improving the situation at all.
So, it's time to focus on you and what you need.

You never know. Getting some distance from him may be the best thing that could happen to your marriage!
 
At first, when I wrote my reply I wasn't so sure about the manipulation but the more I read your first post and your second, the more I agree with AJock in that you are being manipulated. Life is too short to be in the position you're in. Please get to a counselor soon and take care as you can't go on being unhappy.

Also, a question, why in the world would you think you're being selfish? Because you want to be happy. That is absolutely no reason to feel as though you're being selfish.

Take care and keep us posted.
 
I feel absolutely nothing inside... I came home today, he'll hardly talk to me. Not mean, just sad. I asked him how his day went, and he says, "I got through it." He goes to take a bath at 5; I asked if he was feeling sick (he thought he had a cold all last week); he tells me "not really sick, no". I cook supper; at least he eats with me. Then, I go downstairs to work out. 8 o'clock and he's gone to bed, no goodnight, not a word. He's going to do this until I say, it's alright, I'm sorry I said anything...This is why I never talk to him about how I feel!!!

I tried again to get in touch with a marriage counselor today, but I guess because it's a holiday weekend, she's not in. I'll try again tomorrow. I think I'm going to talk to one of my co-workers, the woman who recommended the therapist.

If I leave, what happens to the mortgage? I can't afford an apartment and my part of the house payment. He can have the house and what I've put in it-- I'll sign whatever if it comes to that. I just want the furniture I've bought.
 
The more I read your post to, the more I think you are being tricked. Your home life doesn't sound very exciting and you should be excited to go home at the end of a long day, I know I am.
I wouldn't worry to much about the mortgage right now. When you leave, you could also walk out, leaving him with it. I don't think he is going to be up for descussion about it, unfortunately and you may not get your furniture without a fight. He may seem sad right now, but after you leave, his feelings could turn to anger.You could also stick it out in the house until it sells...or untill he buys your share out. Just a thought.
We have a family friend who is considering moving in with us this weekend. She as been unhappy in her marriage for 3 yrs and I think she is finally ready to get out. She waited so long b/c she was afraid of what people would say and think about her. She told DH yesterday that if she didn't leave, she was soon going to crack up. They don't fight, she just goes home and if he is there,they don't really talk anymore. I can't imagine living like that.Im hoping she will have the nerve to leave this weekend and get it over with. Its been a long time comming. He will also be crushed but she just can't live her life this unhappy anymore. I think when it is time for you to leave, you will know...don't bother fighting it.

Lori:)
 
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