Was this rude or am I oversensitive?

R

red_mct

Cathlete
I have an immediate family member who is adopting a baby with her husband later this year. We're all really happy for them. Yesterday I got an email from one of her girlfriends (that I don't know very well at all) indicating she'd booked a local (very expensive) hotel for a baby shower in the summer, and did I want to split the costs?

I was floored. Tradition in my family is it is generally the family members who throw the shower, and we would do it in a less formal and definitely less expensive location because our family is pretty large and it is going to run some serious $$. My bigger issue, though, is I wasn't consulted in any way during the planning, but now you want me to be involved so that I can pony up some cash?

I don't even know how to respond at this point. Of course I want to do whatever is going to make folks happy, because I'm really thrilled for them, but I just thought this was so... rude. But then I wonder if I'm not just being oversensitive. I also cringe at the thought of spending the next nine months planning some overblown thing with this person.

What do you guys think, am I being oversensitive?

Marie
 
Hi Marie, I wouldn't say you are being oversensitive, I can certainly understand where you're coming from.
I would suggest though that you maybe take a step back and consider what your family member would want. Is this friend of theirs very close with them, if so maybe they've discussed something like this already and she is just granting her wishes.

I would be hurt and put out too but maybe this is what your family member wants.
That being said, if it turns out that this friend went ahead and did all this without even consulting with the mother to be then raise hell }( }( }( }(
 
Nah, listen to your gut. Usually, when I think I'm being oversensitive, I'm not. I just need to stand up for myself (not in an attacking way, just assertive), and maybe you all can compromise on the deal with hotel details, etc. Definitely talk it out and let her know your ideas and where you stand. ; )
 
Well, I wouldn't take it personally--I'd bet you're not the only invitee who's taken aback by the expense.

Bottom line is, if you don't want to spend the money, either you shouldn't go, or you should stay at a less expensive place nearby.
 
You are not being overly sensitive. Since you were not consulted on the plans for this shower at all, you certainly should feel OK about telling this friend of the mother-to-be that you will NOT split the costs.
Just Do It! :)
 
Marie, I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all. I think it takes a lot of gall to book an expensive hotel for a party then ask for your financial backing after the fact. I'd tell her that you had already planned to do something else and I'd probably just be honest with her---but in a nice way---that you wish she had consulted you before she took steps to plan something. Maybe you could have a second shower that's more for family and let this one be for her friends.

Michele:)
 
I would try to get more information from this friend. Find out if she's doing this on her own or if the family member asked her to or is part of it. Find out who is coming, family and friends or just friends. Either way, it does seem bad taste to not contact you to be part of the planning and just to e-mail you for a financial contribution. If it is something that the family member wants or that the rest of your family will be a part of, you will probably want to be a part of it. If it's too much financially, what I would say is that yes, I would love to be a part of the shower, but that I couldn't afford the cost of an expensive location. I would say that I would be happy to bring a dish or help decorate, etc. and participate in another way.
 
Marie, I would feel exactly as you do. Booking an expensive hotel for a baby shower seems a bit over the top and flies in the face of my very practical self. Just the word 'Baby Shower' conjures up immediate images of a living/dining room decorated with balloons and streamers, full of ladies of all ages from different aspects of the new Mom's life casually chatting and 'ooooh aaaah-ing' over the pot luck spread. Simple and sentimental. Years later the Mom won't remember the fancy room and money spent, she'll remember the wonderful feelings of love and fellowship from her friends and family. As a family member I would rather pool some money and get the Mom a 'WOW!' gift like a top of the line stroller or car seat.......but like I said, I'm very practical about spending money.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
>Marie, I would feel exactly as you do. Booking an expensive
>hotel for a baby shower seems a bit over the top and flies in
>the face of my very practical self. Just the word 'Baby
>Shower' conjures up immediate images of a living/dining room
>decorated with balloons and streamers, full of ladies of all
>ages from different aspects of the new Mom's life casually
>chatting and 'ooooh aaaah-ing' over the pot luck spread.
>Simple and sentimental. Years later the Mom won't remember
>the fancy room and money spent, she'll remember the wonderful
>feelings of love and fellowship from her friends and family.
>As a family member I would rather pool some money and get the
>Mom a 'WOW!' gift like a top of the line stroller or car
>seat.......but like I said, I'm very practical about spending
>money.
>
>Take Care
>Laurie:)


Well put, Laurie! I couldn't agree more;)

Michele
 
Ladies, thanks so much for your input. I have given this some thought and I think part of my problem is feeling very left out of the whole thing. The person in question is actually my brother's wife; you think she would want our side of the family involved, but I guess not. They have been drifting off for the last couple of years, so I guess this just underlines where we are in the scheme of things. I feel bad for my mom, though, she is likely to be very upset.

Anyway, I sent her friend a response asking for more information, like how much is it going to be per person, who are they planning to invite, etc., before committing to anything. I also said I wasn't sure who could participate because we weren't consulted about the date before they booked the place. I mean, really, for all I know, someone might already have a vacation booked, you know what I mean?

I just feel really badly about the whole thing. I suppose I will just suck it up and participate financially and not offer to do anything else. I mean, that's all they want, anyway.

Sigh.

Thanks,
Marie
 
I would investigate this a little more. If your family planning something for her? I would find that out first, and go from there. If this is the way the shower is going to go, then I would reply by saying how thoughtful she is to do this, maybe you could pitch in with the plans? If she is agreeable then you could suggest a change of venue. Alot depends on what has already been done. I would still find a tactful way to suggest some changes to accomodate everyone.

This is going to be a celebration of a wonderful thing. I guess that is the important thing when all is said and done. You need to rise above the lack of etiquette that has been shown so far and demonstrate how to deal with this occasion maturely and with class.

JMO
 
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