VERY O/T - I have a really big problem...

[Timber99]

BF and I are having some serious problems. So serious, in fact, that I am now wondering "if" we can make it rather "how" or "when" we make it through them. We've been together for nine years & I have never had the "if" thoughts, even in some pretty tough times. We've been through so much together. I love him with everything that I have and I want to be with him. On the other hand, I am realistic that sometimes that isn't enough or that a relationship still won't survive. I just don't know how to even begin pick up the pieces and move on after NINE years. He's been with me through everything (except during his deployment) for nine years. Law school, the bar exam, sicknesses and deaths in the family, etc. We live together and have two dogs together. I have developed a relationship with his child (that I would definitely continue). If we were to break up, he won't be in my life at all. It just seems so strange to me to even imagine it. And I am scared that I *am* thinking about it. I know that eventually I will be okay no matter what the outcome, but I just want to stamp my feet and cry that I have to be thinking about this right now.

I am sorry to post something so personal here but I am "cry mode" right now and its really hard to even talk to my friends in person about this. I know that someone here has probably experienced this and has some good input about moving forward. I don't want to move forward without him at all but if I do, I guess I outta be prepared.

 

[Fit_mommy]

I'm sooo sorry for your troubles, Christine. You did not describe the exact issues that you and your BF are having so I can only figure that you do not wish to discuss that in detail?

All I can say is that I know from experience how hard it is to move on after you have given so much of yourself to the same person for such a long time. I was with a guy for 8 years when we broke up. It broke my heart. I was a wreck for a while. I actually got myself a p/t job on nights and weekends at a pet store to help fill up my time and take my mind off of him. I chose a pet store because I LOOOOVE animals. It was a good choice. I made some friends and had some really good times. I also made some money. It helped me to get through it. I DID eventually get over it and move on. You just have to be prepared to let your emotions run thier course. It's hard but you will get through it.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

 

[gidget1978]

Does he know you feel this way? Does he feel the same?
Relationships are hard and you have been together for a long time.
I went through something last summer and I don't even know what it was.I think it was a pile of things together and it wasn't my DH at all...I think it was all me.And a part of me wondered "was I changing"?,"was I ever going to feel the same way again"? It was very scary and I really thought that I had messes things up.But at the same time I was hoping that it was just a rut I was going through.
And it appeared to be that way.We talked and I told him how I felt.I felt bad b/c I had never had any doubts about my feelings or our relationship so to spring this on him was a bit tough.Anyway,we worked through it and came out stronger then ever.In the end he partly blamed himself b/c he didn't think he was giving me the attention I needed.Sometimes he can put his friends first but I can't blame it all on him.
Now looking back, I know it was just one of those phases I was going through and no relationship is perfect.And I am hoping that neither one of us will go throught that phase again.
But I am not saying that your situation is the same as mine and you have to do what works for you.If he doesn't know you feel this way then you really need to tell him and if he does know it...then you need to talk about it.Either way..you have to lay it out there and face the truth.
Good luck,
Lori

 

[Conni]

Did something happen to cause you to feel this way, or is this something that just "hits" you every so often?

I can only say from my own experience, that every relationship hits highs and lows. I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful man who I knew for about 8 years before we got married. There are times when we just don't want to be around each other, and then there are times when things are stronger than ever. I think it is natural to feel the way you do, sometimes the holidays also bring these feelings out, it is such an emotional time of year.
Relationships evolve, they have to because the people in them change and evolve.
I would say to just let this ride out for now. Whatever you do, be honest with you SO and talk to him if you continue to feel this way about your relationship.
I am no expert by any means, but I just want you to know that this could be a temporary "thing' that will run its own course.
Life is a roller coaster!!;-)

 

[Miss Lee]

I agree with Conni completely. I especially wouldn't take any action around the holidays. Holidays do weird things to people. I know that I am prone to depression this time of year and it definitely affects the way I think and feel about things.

Michele

 

[nancy324]

So sorry to hear it, Christine. I sent you a PM.

-Nancy

 

[bubbles100]

I have no advice, Christine, but I just want you to know you'll be in my thoughts. I'm so sorry this is happening to you around the holidays.

Margaret

 

[pink_fortitude]

I am so sorry for what you are feeling right now. I am sending you big hugs!!!

I also would like to add give yourself plenty of time to think things through. Don't make an emotional decision. Most important of all, follow your gut because it is almost never wrong. If it is telling you that you need to get out, get out. I know that history is the wrong reason to stay, and if you have exhausted every last effort to no avail then it isn't worth repeatedly breaking your heart.

I know that there are some things that if my DH did them, they are dealbreakers. There are some things that I have accepted that he can't change and will live with, but there are some things that are inexcusible and I will not live with (fortunately, he hasn't done either of them).

I will be thinking of you and I am sending you big hugs again!

Missy

 

[ZT27]

Sorry to hear about the problems. I hope it works out for you. There's something I was wondering.... Are you having thoughts about your SO because of your clients asking you out to drinks and dinner?? If you and your SO have something very special, I wouldn't have second thoughts unless the problems are very bad. I hope all works out well. Having a relationship isn't easy AT ALL. It's a lot of work. You either make it or break it. Wish you well!

Lisa

 

[sblordita]

I understand completely. I just broke up with my BF because of these feelings. It is all me, though, nothing that he has really done. It is extremely hard, especially when I see how broken-hearted he is. I just feel that I need to move forward alone at this point in my life. I love him dearly, but I've never had a moment of freedom in my life. I'm afraid that if I don't have it, I'll always want it.

I'm sure our reasons are different, but the outcome is the same. It is hard, and I hope you pull through. We all deserve to be happy, one way or another!!

Sara

 

[red_mct]

Christine,

I've been where you are and it is very hard.

Can I be bold and suggest a counselor? I am not even thinking couples' counseling, although that may be something the two of you want to explore at some point; I am thinking counseling for yourself, so you have the opportunity to discuss the situation and your feelings with someone who can be objective and trustworthy.

Good luck, and I hope it works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers.


Marie