Venting my worry

nancy324

nancy324

Cathlete
Does anyone else have a parent they worry about in an emotional way? My Mom lost my Dad in late 2004 after being married for 49 years. She's a healthy 70 years old, and I have no physical or mental concerns about her. My concerns are all emotional.

She is still living in the house we grew up in in the New Jersey suburbs, not because she wants to live in a big house anymore, but because all of her friends are in the neighborhood. She has lots of great friends, but it hurts me to know that she comes home to that empty house every night. She's the only widow in her whole group of friends.

One of my brothers lives in San Francisco, and she sees him about twice per year. My other brother lives in PA and we get together for holidays and special occasions. I live in NYC, but my Mom does not feel comfortable driving to the city on her own. I don't blame her, as driving in the city is rather stressful. I rarely seem to have time to visit her in NJ. I have no car, and I have to spend the whole day to get out and back by train.

I would feel better about her if she lived in an apartment in the city, with a doorman and a super, etc. I could stop by on a regular basis for a few hours here or there. But I understand that as long as her friends live in NJ, she needs to live there too. Maybe someday, as her friends become widows (ghoulish, but statistics say they will), they'll all start to move into the city?

Sorry this is so long-winded. Somewhere in the deep recesses of mind, the worry is always there, and never goes away. Does anyone else have this issue?

Thanks for listening.
Nancy
 
Nancy,

I am sooo sorry for what you are going through.

Have you talked to your brothers about this? Do you have enough room at your home so that your Mom can come and stay with you sometime? She could come spend a few nights with you , maybe she could get used to living in NYC eventually, knowing that you will always be near by. I am sorry I don't have many suggestions, but if she could come stay for a few nights at a time, this is time that she won't spend alone.

Don't be sorry for being long-winded. {{{BIG HUGS}}} to you!! ;-)
 
Hi Nancy,

My DH's parents are 87 and 80. They live where the winters are just brutal and even though they have the means to live anywhere else but there it will never happen. They are extrememly set in their ways. And even though they must be the last among their friends, or at least very nearly, it will never cause them to leave their home. DH worries about them but is resigned to the fact that they are going to do what they want, when they want, regardless of how much their children fret.

You are not alone in your worry at least! I am sure there are many others!:)
 
Hi Nancy:

I have the same worries; however on top of it my mom is fraile physically as well. She's in her mid 80's and sharp as a tack mentally. Although she still lives on her own in a senior living apartment and drives during the day and runs her own errands, etc. she's recently (the last couple of weeks) been experiencing some physical pain that we've yet to put our fingers on. Unfortunately, it has caused her to not be able to get her own groceries and do the few things she felt good about. I only have one sibling nearby and he's been tackling all the doc appointments, helping her with errands, etc. until we can find out what's wrong with her.

My parents were married over 50 years and were inseparable. My mom was a housewife all those years and my dad did alot. I had to teach her how to get gas, write a check, etc. I never would have thought she could do it, but she survived without the love of her life and has really done ok. My mom had a few women friends at the complex, but they have all passed away. I know that she has been lonely over the years, but now things are worse because she's in pain as well. I call her every other day and she sounds so sad. It's as if she's tired of all this and is ready to go. All this has brought about me thinking is this it? Will this be how we lose her? Or, will she get better?

Not that any of this has anything to do with your mom specifically, but I wanted you to know that I worry about my mom all the time. I also feel pangs of guilt for moving away years ago and now it's hard to help her. I think that if your mom has friends that she loves and she has not voiced any concerns or fears about her living arrangements, I would be ok with that. I would tell her how you feel, that you want her to know that if and when she gets to a point where she isn't comfortable there, you would love to help her find a place in the city if she would be open to that. As sad and lonely and all as my mother is, she has always held onto her independence fiercely and maybe your mom feels the same way.

Ok, I feel like I'm rambling now, so I better sign off.
 
Did you ever think about getting her to sell it and live in a sr. housing . There are some really nice ones around here. They all watch eachother and have lunches, dinners and bingo and activities.They have a big get together room.
Especially nice for those with no families close .
Betya if there was one close to where she lives she may go for it. I would hate to see my parents go home alone too. It has to be lonely.
Where would she be in NYC with none of here friends. May be even more lonely...
I think i would worry more of something happening to her or falling and no one knowing right away...That would make me nuts...
You have a right to worry...
You care about her... I think she probably knows that...

Anne
Aka( Storm)

http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
 
I have been worrying about my parents for about 10 years, after I realized how dependent they are on each other. My parents are almost 60 and 62, so I think my road is stretched pretty far ahead!! LOL, I guess that's just me.

I've truthfully been planning for their old age for almost my entire life, knowing that taking care of my parents is part of my payment for them giving me life. In some ways I look forward to it for that reason, but in many others I cringe at the painful thought. (My sister doesn't mind the fact I have "called" the elder care role, btw!)

I'm terrified of what happens to the survivor. I think in some ways it has helped me to watch my MIL survive my FIL.
 
Sophie, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. How sad that your Mom's friends passed away! Friends are so important for my Mom. The senior living apartment sounds good though. At least you know she's never truly alone, right? I assume there are staff and common areas, etc.? But I can just imagine how you must feel when you're on the phone with her and she is in pain and sounding sad. That must be soooo hard! I really don't think you should feel guilty about moving away. You have to do what's best for you and your family.

My Mom has spoken with several realtors about an apartment in her area, but they are hard to come by. She has made it perfectly clear that she is NOT happy living in that house. There are a few apartment buildings being built in the area, though, so she is hopeful that something will come along.

I very much appreciate your sharing your feelings. I guess worrying about people you care for is just part of life. Sigh.
Nancy
 
Elaine, you are right. I'm sure there are very many of us who worry! I don't blame your DH one bit for worrying. I would feel the same way if I were him. I imagine he's looking at some of those safety devices out on the market these days, like devices they can wear around their necks in case they slip and fall and such. My Mom isn't there yet, but I suppose I'll be looking at those devices at some point.
Nancy
 
Ame, I know how you feel. My worst fear was that my Dad might somehow survive my Mom. :eek: :eek: My Dad would not be capable of living a single day on his own, no matter how healthy he was! I used to worry about that a lot. Maybe there's a reason women outlive men. Maybe it's built into our design because women are SOOOO much better at taking care of themselves. Don't worry. The unthinkable didn't happen to me, and I wasted a lot of time worrying. :p Your parents are too young for you to start worrying yet anyway. A lot can happen before they get old. Like, for example, they could grow up. :p :+ :p :+ LOL.
Nancy
 
We felt that way about my dad too; he never would have made it without my mom. Although she has done way better than we ever imagined she would, I feel like she has been biding her time until she believes she'll see my dad in heaven.

The senior living place she lives in really doesn't have staff, etc. It's basically a subsized apartment complex for folks over 65 or so. Plus they have railings in the halls, bathtubs, underground parking and stuff like that. They do have an area where they can play games, gather and have holiday lunches, etc. but my mom isn't very social and only goes occasionally. Now that she isn't feeling well, she's avoiding everything.

If your mom wants out of the house, sounds like finding her an apartment is the way to go. Unfortunately, if she wants to stay near her friends for now, you'll have to wait it out until she is ready to move closer to you. As some others have said, they have their lives and the older they get it seems the more inflexible. Maybe you could concentrate your efforts on helping her find an apartment where she wants to be, unless you've already done that.

That just proves that you never get away from worrying about those you love, whether their our kids or our parents.
 
Hi Nancy:) My Mom was widowed in '93, three years later she re-located to the city where my family and I lived, four years later I moved to a different city to go back to school. Shortly after I started school we were all floored by the fact that our active and fairly fit Mom had 2 heart attacks in rapid succession. She had an angioplast and has been great ever since but what a turning point this was. I was running between 2 cities 90 minutes apart so Mom would have some family around. My brother lives on the west coast and my sister has a strained relationship with all of us so it became glaringly apparent that should something happen to Mom I was on the front line of action. I worried tremendously about this. When I finished school and settled in yet another city Mom decided to move here as well. After much discussion we decided to buy a house together with a self contained 'Granny flat'. The first year took a lot of adjusting and wasn't as easy as I anticipated but we have settled into a really comfortable rhythmn and flow. I'm glad to say that I don't worry about Mom much anymore but if she was in another city I would feel very torn. You're a good daughter to worry about your Mom, I know what you mean about the empty house, my Mom loves being among the bustle of our family life but what she loves even more is the option to go to her apartment for some peace and quiet.

Take Care
Laurie :)
 
Wow, I'm sure that was a big adjustment for your family as well as your mom, but what a fabulous idea. I'm sure that having her own private space has been a big plus in making it all work.
 
Nancy
I deal with this issue daily. My mom is 81 and my dad passed away 2 years ago. She lives alone and refuses to move. My two brothers and I try to go visit as often as possible, but I swear, I could smack them sometimes. Instead of giving her sound advise on things, they seem to just let her do whatever she wants. An example is when she got a new garage door. My one brother told her to call a certain company. She did. They messed up the garage so badly that the plaster around the door is all broken up. Of course, they won't return her calls. So it is up to me to try to get them to make it right. He said that it was just a company he saw in the paper. She never asked my advise. She probably thought the boys would know more about those kind of things than I do. Mom still drives. She is able to go to the grocery store and the mall but, I'm really concerned because she's starting to forget things. I don't know what to do. At least your mom has friends. My mom just sits at home, cleans and watches tv. So I do understand what your talking about.
 
I'm sorry you're having this worry.

Would it be possible to rent out a room in the house to someone who could also act as kind of an eye on her? Mabye offer reduced rent for some specific duties (grocery shopping, driving her places)? (Maybe a student who is studying social work or some other service profession?)

That way, she won't be coming to an empty house every night. (Another 'empty house' solution would be a pet or two.)
 
Kathryn is on to something. If she can have a kitty that might be nice. They tend to be low maintenance and ultra lovable. My mom has cared for my animals in the past and it seems to cheer her up a bit.
 
Nancy,

My parents are in their eighties. My Mom has alzhimers and Dad is healthy some what. I also volunteer once a week to help with the elderly so they can be independant for as long as they can. It gives them a reason to be proud of themselves. Yes, they do get lonely, and they are much slower than us, but they make friends easily, they do just fine. If they want something different they will let you know. If they need help and don't realize it, then you need to step in. But, from your post, she is healthy.

Keep calling her and visiting as often as you can. Perhaps you can let her know about your concerns. She will probably talk to you about it and let you know what she is feeling. That conversation might even bring you closer together, more of a bond.

70 years old is not that old. Worry about her when she is unhealthy or even when she is in her 90's.

They love to talk, and remember. Oh and they enjoy hugs, just talking with them while holding their hands is a great help. They are proud people. They love to try and solve problems and give advice. Not to say all elderly are like that, but I can say a lot of them are.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
 
Kathryn and Beavs, I also thought about the pet angle. My Mom likes dogs, but every time I mention getting one she says it would hold her back and she would lose her freedom to come and go. In reality, however, I would be more than happy to have the dog stay with me for visits when she goes away for a week or two. My brother also loves dogs, and she has many friends who are pet-lovers who would take the dog overnight, so I don't see what the problem is. My Mom has a fenced-in yard. Of course, the dog would have to be small in case my Mom moves into an apartment, but so what? Still, the decision is hers of course.
Nancy
 
>Nancy,
>
>My parents are in their eighties. My Mom has alzhimers and
>Dad is healthy some what. I also volunteer once a week to
>help with the elderly so they can be independant for as long
>as they can. It gives them a reason to be proud of
>themselves. Yes, they do get lonely, and they are much slower
>than us, but they make friends easily, they do just fine. If
>they want something different they will let you know. If they
>need help and don't realize it, then you need to step in.
>But, from your post, she is healthy.
>
>Keep calling her and visiting as often as you can. Perhaps
>you can let her know about your concerns. She will probably
>talk to you about it and let you know what she is feeling.
>That conversation might even bring you closer together, more
>of a bond.
>
>70 years old is not that old. Worry about her when she is
>unhealthy or even when she is in her 90's.
>
>They love to talk, and remember. Oh and they enjoy hugs, just
>talking with them while holding their hands is a great help.
>They are proud people. They love to try and solve problems
>and give advice. Not to say all elderly are like that, but I
>can say a lot of them are.
>
>Janie

Janie, that is exactly what I was thinking when I first read her post! From spending time in nursing homes and visiting elderly neighbors, I can tell you that everything Janie said is right on, ESPECIALLY about giving advice and sharing everything they know about the family tree and relatives that have long passed. :D

I have a great grandma who just now moved into my grandpa's (who is 72) house with his wife at the ripe old age of 94 because of mobility problems, and if you can believe it she has lived alone since my great grandpa died in 1987!!! She has done great; she actually sounds a lot like your mom. She has lived in the same house since 1938, knows the area and all the people in it and had no interest in losing her freedom by being saddled with someone else in the house or a pet. I want to be just like her when I grow up! She has her mind - man is she sharp as a tack! Mind is crisp as a 30 year old; the only thing that gives away her age is her wisdom; that is, if you aren't looking at her. :0) I do hope that when I get to be an old fart that my kids and grandkids will love and worry about me the way that you do; it is so obvious that you care so much for her! :)

Missy
 
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