Upset and not sure what to do....(long)

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
...this could be long but I will try to make it as short as possible.

For yrs now my father and brother have lived with us when they had work. They usually only work from June-Nov (unless they get another job) and they stay with us. Home is about 90 mins away so its to far for them to travel everyday.
DH as been very good over the yrs, no doubt. There were times when we were both ready to crack up b/c they didn't always clean up after themselves but they were family and once I told them, they were better (more my bro then my dad). My dad always gave me money but there were many times we had to ask my brother for the money he owed.
About a month ago we were approched by a friend of DH's family regarding moving in with us for a while. She lived with DH when they were kids and babysat them, so I guess she is kind of like a sister to him. She has been unhappy in her marriage for about 8 yrs now and she is ready to leave. She isn't "left" yet so time will tell. We are expecting her to move in next Sat but I wouldn't exactly move DS's toys out of the room just yet. She said that she may be staying with us for 3 monthes or a little longer and going to give us $400 a month which is also nice.
I talked to my mom about this b/c it would be taking the room that my dad use to sleep in. Sure we have a big home but not quit big enough to accomidate all these people. My mom said that my dad may go stay in my sisters house but we will cross that bridge when the time comes. My sister just built her home, she doesn't live here yet, no one as ever lived there. There is nothing for my dad there, no fridge,stove,bed or couch.
Today my mom mentioned dad living there and the fact that he would have no t.v ( no cable). I told her he could come to our place to eat and do whatever but just go to my sisters house to sleep.
Later today I was cutting my dads hair and he brought up work. He said "you don't have a place for me to sleep anymore"? I said, "nope, your room is gone" Then he offers to sleep on the couch. When I am done cutting his hair, he goes over to the couch and says " I can sleep here, this is good enough"
My dad clearly doesn't want to go sleep in my sisters empty house and is willing to sleep on a couch from Mon-Thurs in order to stay with me.
I tell DH this and all he says is "nope, Ive been pretty good over the yrs but thats it".
Im a little bothered. How can I tell my dad he can't live with me? He isn't a pain or anything. He is gone before we get up in the morning, comes home to eat and usually falls asleep sitting up watching t.v until he goes to bed.
I just imagine what DH would do if he were in this situation. He would want his dad to stay with us, but I would be as good as he has?? Im not so sure.I know that if I said that to DH he would say "my dad wouldn't put us in that situation" But is it to much to expect him to go along with my dad crashing on my couch? I dunno that either.
I just feel so bad. My dad is in his 60's and I don't want him in a empty house by himself (oh...my brother his gone away, if he were here I wouldn't feel bad)but I don't really see DH budging either.
This is more of a vent then anything, I really don't expect any answers, just needed someone to talk to.I talk to DH about everything but we aren't talking right now.

Lori :)
 
WOW Lori, it sounds like you have a really tough situation to handle there. No real advice here - I wouldn't know what to do either! :( I'm sending some hugs though and hope that somehow the situation works itself out. Just as a side note - how old is this woman who is a "good friend of the family" and is just coming out of a bad 8-year marriage? You know your situation, but I think if it was me, I would be terribly uncomfortable bringing someone like that into my home. I try to keep unhappily married woman away from my DH. ;)
 
I had to giggle when I read your post! hehe! No...she is just like DH's sister, he doesn't see her that way and she is so straight and narrow that it isn't even funny.
I do see what you are saying though. A friend of mine just broke up with her bf and I was wondering how she would make ends meet. For a split sec I thought about helping her out but she is young and attractive and there is no way I would leave my DH home while I work shift work! Its a good thing to b/c although she may not stab me in the back, she is with a married man who just left his wife and 3 kids!;(
Lori:)
 
Yikes! Yeah, I wouldn't want that girl around my DH either!

Yeah, I figured the situation was well in hand with the family friend or you would have been more concerned about it, which you didn't appear to be. I wish I knew what to do about your dad. These little family issue can be sooo delicate. It's so hard to please everyone. :/
 
Lori,

Give your Dad the room! Too dangerous for lots and lots of reasons allowing the other girl in your house. For, one thing, it will automatically put you right in the middle of her domestic situation Warning Will Robinson, Danger!! Do not go there! If that doesn't put you off I totally agree with the other two posters, don't laugh! DH and the "sister" in emotional crisis, Its Life and it happens! Happens ALL THE TIME! Its a fact.

Andrea
 
NO,NO,NO....I canNOT explain to you enough how this will never ever happen...for so many reasons, on so many levels! This is the least of my worries and had nothing to do with the situation at all.Please...can we just leave that alone? I just KNOW nothing will happen.Its like DH sleeping with his sister! Same thing, she moved in when he was just a small boy and she is well in her 40's now.
I can't even explain it to you any further.
Lori:)
 
The family friend hasn't moved in yet, right?

So your husband is asking you to hold the spare bedroom open in case his friend needs it, even if you father wants to use it before she actually has need of it?

Towards the end you said your brother wouldn't be coming this year, because if he was you wouldn't feel bad about your dad staying at your sister's empty house, because your brother would be there...

Where did your brother sleep? Can't the friend stay at in the brother's bedroom?

What about putting the friend at the sister's house and keeping your dad at your house? She could eat and hang out at your house and then sleep at your sister's house... ;-) Just a thought.

When your husband says "nope, I've been pretty good over the years, but thats it" does he mean that your dad can't stay regardless of whether or not the friend comes to stay? Or is he saying that he has made room for your family for a number of years without complaint, and now a member of his "family" needs a room and its his family's turn?

Also, when you say you and DH aren't talking right now, do you mean at all, or just about this thing?

I know a lot of women, myself included, like to talk when they are upset about something and their instinct is to talk and talk until its figured out. A lot of men like a little time to process what was said and continue the conversation later.

If you guys aren't talking at all right now, I think you need to fix that. If you guys are talking, just not about your dad coming to stay this summer, then give your DH a little time and ask him some questions to help you better understand his point of view. In the mean time, give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him your glad he's your husband. You'll work this out, and if you show him your understanding and respect his thoughts on this, you might be able to gently guide him to the conclusion that having your dad stay this year won't be so bad after all.

Good luck
 
If this family friend really was his sister, and not "just like his sister" would you still think Lori's father should get dibs?

Don't get me wrong, I think Lori's dad should have dibs too. After all, he has a long standing agreement with the family to come and stay in the summers, and the friend doesn't. Also, she isn't exactly giving a specific date for when she plans on leaving her husband.

I know it's important to Lori's DH to offer help to someone who he cares about. it is unfortunate that it comes at a time which may overlap with the father's annual visit.

I wonder if the friend would consider postponing the separation from her husband until after the father's visit, then they could do both.
 
Well, does you husband think of this women as a family member? You said she is like a sister but is that really the situation. What I mean is this, did she live with him as a small child and then sort of *disappear,* more specifically, they were close many years ago and now they are more friends in theory. Or has she been close to your DH since he was a child and has maintainted a long standing relationship?

If she and your DH have always been close then she is like a family member to him. So it would be unfair to just assume family(your Dad) before friends(this woman) because your DH would be thinking of her as family too. Of course, that makes the situation harder.

Also, is your DH saying he doesn't want your father to move in either way? Or is saying he would like to hold the room for his friend/family and would only like one guest at a time?

I agree, the fact that you guys aren't even sure she is going to move in does make this really complicated. In the end, assuming your DH is very close to this woman and does REALLY consider her family, then I guess it would only seem fair to me to let her have the room as long she needs it. Your DH seems like he has been very understanding about your Dad and brother staying there so it only seems right that you would be okay with a member of his family staying there for a while.

Of course, I see your side too. This is your Dad and I would want to let my Dad sleep on the couch too but having that many extra people in the house can really be a burden on everyone.

This is a tough one...Good Luck! I'm sure you and your DH will come to the right decision for both of you.:)
 
To answer a couple of your questions,

Its not an option for my friend to stay in my sisters house. To tell you the truth, I don't even know if its an option for my father yet. Our friend would never want to put anyone out and after asking us if she could move in, shortly after she with drew that and said that she was sorry for putting us in that situation. We weren't sure if our dad was going to be going back to work and thats why we told her she could stay, also at the time, I didn't know my brother would be going away.
My brother didn't have a room. He slept on the couch in the rec room. He could sleep on a bag od nails.
As far as DH, I probably shold have explained that better. My DH has his "own" room LOL Its a room in the basement, with the dogs, where is t.v is set up and his couch.Thats where my dad offered to sleep. Thats a big no, no b/c thats DH's personal space and the place he loves to go, he can't do that if someone is sleeping there.
Our family friend plans to leave her husband a week from today. I can't see that working out overly well b/c I don't think one can "pla" a day to leave. I think you have to just get up and go. She as tried to leave many times but has never made it that far.
Thanks for your opinion!:)
Lori:)
 
Pippa, she never disappeared from his life. She moved in with them when she was just 16 and after the kids grew up she went to work with my MIL for yrs. She as always lived in this town and shows up at family gatherings and we also exchange christmas gifts with her.She has gotten another job over the past 5 yrs and also works another job in the evenings (mainly so that she doesn't have to be home with her husband)we don't see her as much as we use to b/c she is busy with work and so are we. She doesn't stop by every once in a while though, to see the baby or babysit for us if we are going out.
She did ask if she could move in before we really knew if my dad would be going back to work.Plus my parents were aware of this. But now its seems like we never had the conversation and my dad is willing to sleep anywhere...which isn't like him. But like I said, when we had the conversation we didn't realize that my brother would be gone. If he were still here I would have no problem telling him that they had to stay at my sister house b/c there is no way I can have 5 adults,2 kids and 2 dogs in the house.
 
Thanks for you responses everyone.

I called DH last night (im at work) and he was just busy,not not calling unpurpose.
We spoke about it and he does see where I am comming from and he thinks its my call. DH was unemployed a while ago and my parents load us some money to pay off some bills (alot of money) We are still paying them back, but with the extra $400 our friend will be giving us, we could have them paid back in about 10 monthes and have that big bill gone.Thats kind of why we don't want to turn her away, plus she needs us right now. I don't think it would be wise for her to move out on her own just yet, I think she will need to company. Even though she doesn't love her husband I think she needs help with this. He also knows that she is unhappy, they haven't slept together in yrs and don't even share the same bed anymore.
When my dad stays with us he only gives us $40 a week. I think if anything, he cost me money. $40 a week isn't much when you are talking about food and showers but I feel bad asking him for more money as well. Can you tell Im a softy? He does bring his own groceries and just eats my food at supper time.

DH and I are on good terms about the whole thing, we just need to figure it all out.Prehaps when I built my house I should have had 5 bedrooms! Geez...if we have another child all the rooms will be gone. What then? I guess Hotel Gidget will have to shut down!!!

Lori:)
 
Hey Lorie,Hugs to you! Although i don't have anything to say that will help,just wanted to send you a cyber hug!:)

And is there talk of another child? Oh,how exciting;-)
 
Sorry about this situation on your hands. I personally feel Family is family and they come first you already have had this arrangement with your dad. My mom and dad bought a house up north and my mom stayed with us for a couple of years during the week I loved it and my hubby was very happy with it and he always says we are their children and it is our responsibility to step in where we can.

Have you asked hubby why? specifics? kwim?

Have you asked your dad why he wouldn't mind just sleeping at your sister's house?

He may love the bonding with you (his daughter). The love a dad has for his daughter is Priceless. You have children he probably feels all that love after a long day plus he is 60 maybe as he is getting older he feels his time is getting limited. Kwim?

Good Luck sweetie I hope it all works out.


beth6395

"You didn't pause your dvd and go make popcorn did ya"
-Cathe Friedrich

http://www.picturetrail.com/juicyfruities2002
 
I agree with your DH that he should not have to give up his room for 3+ months. That's just asking too much of him. Is there somewhere else your Dad could sleep? Can you put a cot in one of the kid's rooms or something? You discussed this with your parents from the beginning, and they said it would be okay, so you went ahead and extended yourself to this woman, and that's set. She should stay, and your Dad can be allowed to stay too if he can find a place to squeeze himself in that does not involve your DH's room. I'm very impressed with how generous you are with family (and I definitely think this woman is part of your family). You are a great person!
 
> DH was unemployed a while ago and my
>parents loaned us some money to pay off some bills (alot of
>money) We are still paying them back... When my dad stays with us he only gives us $40 a week. I
>think if anything, he cost me money. $40 a week isn't much
>when you are talking about food and showers but I feel bad
>asking him for more money as well.

Can't his staying there ofset some of the loan repayment? That way, you're not asking him directly for more money, you would have less to pay back on the loan...seems like a win-win to me.



>I guess Hotel Gidget
>will have to shut down!!!
>

You've certainly been generous, IMO, allowing other people to stay at your place for extended periods.
 
For me the issue would be less the friend of the family and more my father. You made a promise to your friend and you cannot turn your back now, that would make her situation worse. But I do agree about getting caught in the middle. It could be madness and mayhem for a while. Hopefully it's simply imcompatibility and not any kind of abuse - that would make me leery.

I simply could not look my father in the face and tell him he is not welcome to spend the night in my home. I couldn't. For that matter, I could not look DH's mom or eccentric unmarried brother in the face and say it either (and DBIL would drive me batty :+). To both me and DH, family is family and room should always be made. I agree with Nancy - is there a spot that will not take away from DH where dad could sleep - what about the sofa where your brother slept? I mean, if he's going to come over for dinner anyway, and then hang out with y'all, what's so bad about him finding a corner in which to curl up?
 
Lori,

You are clearly a great Mom, Wife, Daughter and Sister.

I know its probably wrong of me to feel this way but I had tears

in my eyes reading your Dad's room is gone. I know reality is

you and dh have been wonderful. I am just putting myself in

your shoes and thinking about my 70 year old Dad (Papa) and

not being able to tell him no. This must be hard and

uncomfortable. I am here as your advocate but this pulled at

my heart maybe because my own Dad is older and my own guilt.

Let us know Lori

Suzanne
 
Lori,

That brings such tears to my eyes. Why is it that your father can't stay in the room he is accustomed to? He's been there for years, is no problem, pays his way. Why can't you put your dad where he always is, and the other person (family friend) in your sisters house? If she pays rent then upgrade it (add a fridge, stove , bed and couch) and have her stay there.

I would never do that to your dad if I were you. Poor guy. He pays his way. If I were him, I would feel so worthless and unwanted. Clearly you don't mind him being there. Please don't hurt his feelings get him back home where he belongs, (in your house). He feels comfortable there.

I know 60 is not old and he could rent a place if needed, but why? If you are welcoming him in your home all these years, then why change it now for a different person. Just doesn't seem right to me.

Talk to your husband again and try to explain the unfairness of it all.

Maybe they all should step up to their responsibilities and leave you guys alone and take care of themselves.

This is unsettling to me. Let us know how it goes.

Janie

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The idea is to die young as late as possible.
 
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