totally hurt by my parents

T

tina72382

Cathlete
ok, i'm going to make this very long story as short as possible... i am really using this as a vent and I would appreciate any kind words you all might have :)

i am getting married this july, and plans are running along smoothly. except that my parents expect my fiance and i to fork out 10,000 to pay for wedding costs. they are already spending that much on the reception- some big party that they are more excited about than us.

we are only 23 and 24, we just bought a house, and don't have alot of money! i have 50 grand of school debt!! so i called them freaking out that we cant spend that much- we already agreed to paying 3000 for photos and video because we think that is important. but 1000 for FLowers????? and limos? and hairdressers? blah blah the list goes on. i cant believe it. i suggested alternatives, and they said no. So they reluctantly said they would pay for most of it.

Then my mom makes some comment that " fine, i will just have to work my whole life to pay it off" and my dad said basically, in a "joke"that we are cheap!!!!!!


i am just so hurt. they make 3 times what we make... if they wanted nothing to do with the wedding it would have been better. to make matters worse, i have been eating horribly, to console myself... and i know it wont make me feel any better.

ok thanks for the vent ladies. :) -Tina
 
Oh no, wedding woes! isn't is amazing how people can ruin a perfectly happy event with these stupid little arguments?

You said your parents are "already spending that much on the reception," yet they "expected us to fork out 10,000 to pay for wedding costs." If YOU are paying, the do what YOU want. If they are paying, then they should have *some* input but not all. After all, isn't this your day?

just my two cents!
 
:) thanks, christine! you made me smile, just knowing someone else takes the time to listen to me is so nice. I mean, the fiance listens and agrees, but I just want to make sure I'm not going off the wall. I think you are right, yet doing my own thing and skimping on stuff we cant afford makes my parents so unhappy because they care so much about what other people think. sigh- its sad. But thank you for letting me know you care. :) -TIna
 
you gotta do what is right for you and soon=to-be dh. if they are helping out fincially then they can put in some input but if they are going to make remarks and hurt you then they don't have to pay for anything. just get a license,hire a guy that does marriages and get married in the backyard. seriously half of my family did that. i don't think i have been to a wedding that cost more then $2000(depending on how many guests were there). me i wore a lacey white dress my mom made. it was like a summer dress with spagetti straps but it didn't cost more then $50 to make,the only flowers we had were my bouquet, and family and friends did pictures and video. but that is just me, it was so small and simple that it made it more intimate for us. we were barely 21 when we got married and didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of LOL so i hear ya on finances. hopefully it will all get resolved soon. keep us posted

kassia



When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be
disappointed to discover they are not it -- Bernard Bailey
 
Tina, sorry you are going through this!! My only advice would be practical: your folks will get past not having every little thing they want at your wedding but the debt will most likely be with you for AGES! Do what works for you and your DF. It's hard in the moment, I know, but you'll be glad you stuck to your guns.

As for your dad calling you cheap and your mom laying on the guilt, well, that's on their kharma. :)

Let us know what you decide to do.

Sparrow


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I agree with Sparrow about the kharma!

In my experience, all the wedding crap goes away once you put on your dress. That doesn't mean the crap isn't there, but most likely, THEY will forget they ever said anything- so don't be the one who is upset after the wedding if you can help it!

I think parents are the worst during weddings- I think they're confused since they're so happy for you and sad that you've grown up at the same time. It's an odd transition, I'm sure.

My personal opinion is that you should spend money on what you want- like photos. I'm SO GLAD we hired a great photographer (and spent money on him!)- almost every photo on our walls is a wedding photo!!

I know you're really at a heightened reaction level now, and the last thing you need is your parents messing with you. Sheesh!! You'll get through it somehow, and you'll have a ton of fun. Just remember to breathe!!! We're rooting for you!
 
Tina, I am so sorry! What is supposed to be the happiest day of your life is not supposed to be this stressful, and the people who brought you into this world should not be making you feel this horrible, I am sorry. It is YOUR day, do what YOU want. What kind of memories do you want to have of this day? Create them, then. If your daddy isn't able to impress someone, then shame on him for using his little girl and putting her in that kind of a position. I am really sorry, I am. I know how hard everything is, and I am sending the most calming, confidence building vibes your way!!!

BTW, when is the date, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Missy

ETA I just checked out your picture trail, and you guys look so happy! And contrats on earning your masters, that is such an awesome accomplishment! :7
 
Tina,
I totally feel for you. Maybe you can explain to them that you and your fiance are very young and that the marriage could possibly be strained if you enter into an extraordinary debt and that you don't want to do anything that would cause problems down the road. Maybe explain to them that you are being a responsible adult and that $10000 is the top of your budget. And that to extend beyond that would be immature as well as a waste of hard earned money that could really go to quell initial money problems during the first years of your marriage. (Believe me there will be some!)

Addtionally, I don't know where you live but a lady who used to live near me was a wedding planner. She always would say people have no idea what they are doing when they 'plan' weddings. She always said that a person can have a perfectly decent semi-lavish wedding for $10000. I'm cringing at what your parents are doing. The amount you have is already perfect. You should tell them that if they have to work for the rest of their life to pay for it, that was a choice they made. Especially if you are perfectly willingly to have something smaller and more intimate. And smaller or intimate does not always mean cheap. Just think about it. I think this is the age I finally found my 'voice' and started telling people what I felt and what I wanted and stuck to my guns about it. Hopefully, you can find yours.

http://www.3fatchicks.com/weight-tracker/img/bar08/slider-scale/lb/0/81/26/.png[/img][/url]
 
thank you everyone for your very sincere replies. you all make me smile so much! we are getting married on July 22 and we are so very excited to be husband and wife. we are going to honeymoon in maine (lol - tammy (oldfirmie)! we just couldnt afford europe this time but for one anniversary, it is a must :))
anyways, the hotel in maine is right on the shore... oh it is just beautiful and romantic! we love the outdoors and there is lots to do in maine, so it is a perfect fit.

thanks for the congrats missy! you all have a wonderful night :) -Tina
 
Tina ~ (((HUGS)))! Planning a wedding is SO stressful. There is what you want, want your fiance wants, what your parents want, what his parents want...SIGH!

Remember this is YOUR wedding! Do what feels right for the both of you and in the end it all falls into place.

You and your fiance are such an adoreable couple. I enjoyed spending time with you on the roadtrip. Good Luck!

Have you picked a honeymoon spot yet?;)

ETA: Maine is lovely...have a great time!
 
aww, tammy, thanks for the hugs!!! see above, i mentioned the honeymoon with a special note for you :)

eta: i see you edited too! lol
 
I think everyone's advice so far has been good, so I just wanted to chime in. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this and don't be too hard on yourself if you're slacking on your eating, etc.

I don't know if you feel like you can have a heart to heart with your parents, but if you can, I think you should.

I think it's important that you and your fiance put a stake in the ground, so to speak, and show them that you are adults and can make responsible, independent decisions. I know that weddings make most people crazy, but I also think that you are also teaching them how to treat you by allowing them to continue on this path. You and your fiance are the ones that have to have the marriage, live with the debt, etc., not your parents.

I believe it's reasonable to pay for what you guys think is important and to allow your parents SOME input if they chose to pay for some of the wedding.
 
Christy, thank you for your response. I am working towards finding my own voice and speaking up. I try, it is just hard sometimes . Thank you for giving me extra confidence to do so. Take care!
 
First of all, I have to say that you and your fiancee make such a beautiful couple!

I had a similar situation with my wedding and the only advice I have is to make sure that this is YOUR wedding - the way you want it so that you enjoy your day and have wonderful memories. Make sure that your parents don't let them make you feel guilty about the costs if they are insisting that those expenses are necessary after you suggested alternatives.

We were also young when we married - I was 19 and my DH was almost 23 and we had no money. I was still in college and my DH had just graduated and had student loans to pay. My parents paid for our wedding, but my mother insisted on doing the whole wedding the way she wanted - totally opposite of what I wanted. I finally got to the point where I couldn't argue anymore and just did what she wanted and I ended up hating everything about my wedding. My DH did, too. We didn't even celebrate our wedding anniversary for the first several years because it brought back bad memories. I found out later that my parents didn't have the money for our horrible wedding and took out a second mortgage on their house to pay for it. Most of the money we received as gifts was spent on our travel costs to the wedding - my mother insisted on having it in my hometown (S. Florida) even though it made more sense for us to have it where we lived (Ohio). We paid for our travel costs and our best man's costs also.

Good luck and hope you have a wonderful wedding, honeymoon and marriage!

Erica
 
I feel for you, Tina.

IMO if parents want to "run the wedding" then they should pay for it in full. If the 2 people getting married are the ones making all of the decisions then THEY should pay for it in full and the parents can "gift" something the the photographer, the flowers or whatever if they want to.

The fact that your parents are paying for your reception is very sweet but for them to basically try and DEMAND that you and your fiance come up with another $10 grand to fulfull THIER idea of a fantasy wedding is absurd to me. They need to foot this bill themselves as it does not sound like what you and your fiance want!

On the other hand, what would have happened if you and your fiance would have said "Thanks but no thanks" to them paying for anything at all? What if you explained to your folks that you wanted to have a small, simple, inexpensive wedding that you and he were quite willing to pay for yourselves and then if they offered to pay for that instead, fine, but if not, you get the wedding that YOU want and the wedding that YOU can afford regardless of who is paying for it.

Just some thoughts I came up with. I don't know if they help or not though...sorry! :-(
 
>Take my advice, ELOPE!!! Save your money. It really isn't
>worth it.


LOL!! Yes, in hindsight this would have been the thing to do. But, you know, we gotta have a wedding. I think if I had eloped then I'd be sitting here tonight saying "do it up real big"--LOL! We gals can be so capricious:D

Tina, I had the mom from hell when I was planning my wedding. Our issue was the church. I was raised Catholic but converted to non-denominational christianity, and we basically rented a Baptist church for the ceremony. My mom was deeply offended by that and threatened to boycott. She said none of my relatives would come either. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, that I would miss her terribly, but if she really felt she couldn't come that I would understand. Obviously, her manipulative little ploy backfired. Needless to say, she came and was the perfect mother of the bride.

I'll lift you in my prayers, but just know that this will all work out so don't let it ruin your pre-wedding fun. It's just not worth it. Have a talk with your folks in a calm and respectful manner, tell them how you and your fiance feel about it, tell them you understand how much it means to them as well, but you really need to do what's best for you and your future DH. Don't start your life out being railroaded into something you don't want or can't afford because you'll be setting a dangerous precedent. ;)

Michele
:)
 
Tina, you've already received great advice here. This is YOUR wedding - yours and your DF's - not your parents', as much as they obviously believe it is "their" party. They're both being very immature about this. I hardly think expecting a young couple with school dept to lay out that kind of money qualifies as their being "cheap" if they can't afford to, and if they truly have to work the rest of their lives to pay off one wedding, they shouldn't be laying out that kind of cash to being with! That doesn't even make sense. It's a guilt trip and shame on them both for doing this to you. This is YOUR day. If they want to throw a party to impress themselves they should do it on their own time, not yours. You're both obviously responsible adults and it's time they treated you as such.

Whew! Guess your post touched a nerve, but I'm appalled at how I see people my own age (most of whom have older teens and grown children and grandchildren by now) treat their adult children. I've heard and witnessed too many wedding stories like this over the years and I no longer keep my mouth shut. A wedding is about the two people getting married. Period. It should be what both of you want. If you try to please your parents and everyone else who feels a sense of entitlement, you'll go broke, you'll be miserable, you'll end up doing things you never wanted to do, and you'll start your marriage with more debt than anyone should have. And all for what? Not for the wedding of YOUR dreams, but theirs. It's nuts what people expect from a couple getting married. Just plain insanity.

My sincere advice to you is to sit down with your fiance ASAP and discuss what the two of YOU want - not what your parents or anyone else want. Plan out what you really want and then tell your parents this is how it's going to be, and they will just have to deal with reality. If they love you more than they love the party they're trying to control, they will get over it - trust me. When my DH and I got married we were both over 30 and had our nursing jobs already, and my mother still tried to control every single aspect of our wedding! She believed since she had offered to pay for the reception the entire day should go according to her plans. She liked to use the whole guilt trip thing too, by the way. We finally told her to keep her money, and her guilt, planned our wedding the way WE wanted it, paid for it without help, and had a lovely small service and reception afterwards, which is exactly what we wanted to begin with. Guess what? She got over it.

Thanks for reading my long post. You're a beautiful couple and I wish you nothing but the best! Go plan the wedding of YOUR dreams and be happy with it!!

Carol
:)
 
>Take my advice, ELOPE!!! Save your money. It really isn't
>worth it.

I know lots of people say that because unfortunately lots of people (including Tina) run into problems and stress and fights while planning a wedding. I, on the other hand, somehow managed to get quite lucky and the stress and problems were extremely minimal and there was NO FIGHTING while I was planning my wedding! I LOVED planning it! It was sooo much fun and I had a BLAST at my own wedding too! I made sure of it! :+

It CAN be a wonderful time...don't lose hope, Tina! :)
 
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