To mothers who have older children, or to whom it may concern

Janie, I too had my daughter young, at 21. She's now going on 20 and she has given me a lot of guilt over the last few years. Even though we are far from as close as I/we would like, we aren't really fighting at all and she does call me for advice and to just talk when she needs to.I'm glad I can be there for her even if it's only that much. She has slowly begun to understand the hardships I've had to go through and how far I've come. She was a very mature little girl but as she grew into her adolescence, I feel she got younger. She missed her father terribly who abandoned her at a young age and I guess she never got over that. Just continue to be there for your daughter and slowly she will come around. Speaking from a daughter's perspective, I have learned to accept my mother for who she is. I can't change the past and I have learned to grow as a person myself. Your daughter needs to take responsibility for herself and not put all the blame on you. Once she does that, she will grow to be more confident and secure and feel less of a need to assign blame. I'm sure you've done everything you could for her. Please don't feel guilty. Mothers and daughters will always have rivalries. It's all part of growing up. Just be there for her as I'm sure you always have been and keep the faith. I'm sure she'll come around.

Marcy
 
Dearest Heather,

I'm so humbled. Thank you for reading and posting your beautiful and heart warming message to me.

All I can say is we are here (I think) to love and learn from each other. You have certainly made it worth my while to post my problem as a mother. Thank you for responding the way you did. I'm speechless. I wish you the very best.

Gayle, I'll tell her exactly what I told all of you.

Robin, Thanks for the hug and your ear.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
RE: To mothers who have older children, or to whom it m...

Janie -
I'm not in a position to give advice, but i do agree with what so many have said. It's time for your DD to accept responsiblity for herself and move beyond the past. Heck, we've all made mistakes and done things we regret. We've all had bad things happen to us. There is nothing we can do to change things. We have to accept it and move on.

I sincerely hope your DD will come around. Having children sometimes helps us see things from a different perspective, but not always. In the meantime, you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about how you raised her and the decisions you made at the time. You were and are the best mom you can be and that is all that matters.

Claude


"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Satchel Paige
 
RE: The Healing Power of Love and Forgiveness

My goodness - I'm crying along with everyone else. I guess many of us mothers have guilt baggage? I had my first son when I was 19 or 20 and was such an immature mother, the hospital should have known better than to let me take him home. My temper was so short... I still get red-faced thinking about things I did or said. I never hurt him, of course, but emotionally it must have left scars. I will never, ever forget when I went back to college in New York (from Texas) when he was one year old. I was so impatient and stupid and young. Life with me in our little apartment must have been miserable. One evening when I went to pick him up from the sitter, he yelled, "No!!" and ran from me. I still cry over that. I still cry. And he now is 23. It makes me cry now. Sometimes I want to sit him down and tell him - I don't know what... I guess I am trying to reinvent his childhood by relaying all the good times and skipping the bad ones. Whenever I hear the sadness in his voice it makes my heart break. But I don't know what to do?? Except make him know how much I love him and always have, no matter how young and stupid I was... Makes me cry all over again.
 
Marcy,

I'm so glad you are both talking now, and she comes to you for advice. Thank you for the encourageing words. I'm hoping my daughter will do the same.


Claude,

Thank you so much for your opinion. You have every right giving me advice, just as these great ladies have all day long for me. I just love the stories, and the heartfelt words that come from being a mother.

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who feels guilt about making adult decisions at a very young age and a mom at the same time. WOW!

Charlotte,

OMG! I have so many stories of such a young mother and not saying and doing the right things. One time, my beautifull daughter gave me 3 christmas ornaments made out of pom poms (they were three little mice). (I'm going to cry all over again). I thought to myself that the tree won't look good if I put them on it, so I secretly threw them away. She saw them in the trash and told me how much that hurt her. OMG! My heart was broken, I can't imagine how she must have felt. OMG! (I'm crying all over myself) I retrieved them, and I put them up every single year, and I will until the day I dye. But she is never here to see them. OMG!

Your not the only one Charlotte, please, lets try and forgive ourselves.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
I only read the first couple of posts, I'm short on time but I really wanted to respond to your original message.
I am 35 and have been dealing for years with issues from my past - as most folks do as they get older. One of my issues is problems with my parents from childhood. I have for quite a long time now accepted that they did the best they possibly could at the time, and looking back I know it was just as hard for them not to be the parents they wanted to be as it was for me not to have the parents I needed. Now, watching my older sister raise her four children, and struggling though she has so much more help than my mom did, and is quite a bit older than my mom was when she had kids, I know how hard it is to be a good parent.
Reading your post broke my heart, it is so difficult to look back on how we disappointed someone we love and know we can't go back and change it - I feel so deeply any time I disappoint my neice or nephews - but it is inevitable that we cannot be perfect.
I have to tell you, all I want - for myself, my parents, and my entire family is for my parents to acknowledge what you do in your post. The past is imperfect, we were all hurt by that, and we can all work together to support each other now and in the future. I want my parents to forgive themselves, as I forgave them long, long ago. But when they don't acknowledge the past, they can't accept my forgiveness, nor can they offer themselves their own. They also run the risk of diminishing their relationships with a couple of my siblings and some of their grandchildren because they cannot even accept let alone get beyond the past.
Your daughter has something so valuable in a mother who can be honest about her past imperfections and who wants to move forward and be a good mom now. You are VERY STRONG for being able to see your and your daughter's past for what it was. I hope someday my parents can be as strong.
Thank you so much for posting, and the best of luck to you and your daughter.
--Laura
 
RE: To mothers who have older children, or to whom it m...

Janie,

Love ya and {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}.

The beautiful women above have pretty much said everything. I just want to say that it appears to me that the gentle, caring, giving person I've come to know as "Janie" has done all she can...your daughter must be expected to do her part. She has to want the relationship. She has to want to forgive and move forward. She has to come to a point of understanding.

I only hopes she does so soon because she's missing a lot.

:)
 
Laura,

I think your right, your parents have a lot of guilt. Try and make it easy on them. It's really hard, don't you think? Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I'll always (because of you) be upfront about things like that to my daughter.

Take care, your parents will be strong.


Melody,

You are right, she needs to find a way to move on. I think she just hasn't found it yet. She will though, she is trying, I'm sure of it. It's got to be hard and exhausting to use up that kind of energy. Bless her heart. I love her so much, and she must know that, cause I tell her all the time.

Thank you Melody. And I also think you are right again about our chin ups, we are not yet strong enough for them.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Laura, what a wonderful post. I couldn't agree more. Janie has a lot to be proud of, and I admire her for her strength. I think someday her daughter is going to realize how lucky she is.
-Nancy
 
So many intelligent women here have given you some excellent advice, I really can't add more, other to say I really feel for your situation. The love you feel for your children is at times overwhelming, and you always want the relationship to be the best it can be. I've seen my father go from a difficult, quirky man to a more difficult elderly man who cannot see beyond the faults of his family members... and who generally gets along better with total strangers than with members of his own family. It breaks my heart.
 
Janie,

Aside from the Christmas ornaments, you don't give any details of the trauma's your daughter feels she has been through. And, as they say, the devil is in the details.

I am more disappointed in my mother's raising of me than angry at her. I was emotionally needy as a child and my mother was very detached. Not a good combination of mother and daughter. Also, I suffered with severe asthma as a child. This was very traumatic for me. My mother never had the ability to comfort and nurture me. Also, my father was an alcoholic and emotionally and physically abusive of my mother, as was my grandfather to my grandmother. The way she delt with it was to ignore the situation and the emotional trauma that my sister and I suffered. Thirdly, my brother came along late in her life, she was 38. He received much more emotional and financial support than either my sister or I did. That has caused resentment with both my sister and I. One other thing...she never told me that she loved me. Very sad.

The things I mention above and much, much more that I won't get into here caused me emotional problems growing up. Finally, through years of off and on counseling, I can see clearly how these things affected me. Ironically, I have had to learn to detach myself emtiotionally from my mother. Doing this has helped me functional much better in my life.

Do I blame her? Not really. But, I am a mother of a daughter to. And, even though I married an alcoholic also, because of the emotional pain of my childhood, I did everything I could to make sure she was protected and loved. I also shared with her the things I learned from coming to terms with my past. Why I could reach out to my daughter and nurture and protect her and my mother couldn't or wouldn't do the same for me still eludes me. I'm sure it was somthing in her past that makes her so cold and detached.

Now that she is older, she expects me to be a loving daughter. I just can't do it.

Just wanted to give you my side of the story.

It appears you have taken responsibility for any wrongdoings you feel you have done. Have you apologized to your daughter for this? Have either of you talked in depth of the things she blames you for? It seems to me counseling is key to resolve these issues.

And, yes, your daughter needs to take responsibility for her life and move on, as I did. Sadly, that doesn't mean that you two will live happily every after. It will take the both of you to work towards that goal. Both of you must be willing to make that effort.
 
I'm VERY lucky that my 2 sons still speak to me at ages 34 & 33 'cause they had very crappy childhoods. There father was an alcoholic and I was mad at him all the time, so it wasn't pretty when they were growing up. I apologized for my part in their messed up childhoods, and they both know I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

Hey, I KNOW I'm lucky because they don't hold it against me.

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
I haven't read the above posts, but I just wanted to let you know how lucky your daughter is to have a mom that can recognize and admit past mistakes. This shows your daughter that you are not completely self-absorbed and that she truly matters. It demonstrates that you do, in fact, love her and CAN love her.

My parents are selfish and are incapable of truly loving anyone. Loving a child requires humility, sacrifice, and putting their needs above your own and it is the most difficult job in the world. I am a far from perfect parent, but have never hesitated to apologize for my mistakes and expect that I will be doing so forever! I always tell my children that I will try my best, but most importantly, will learn from my errors, and that I expect this from them as well.

You have given your daughter a gift and hopefully she will recognize it and come around. :)
 
A few more thoughts on this topic. My mind was wandering while doing Tae Bo this morning:

- It may not feel like it, but your daughter loves you very much, she is just hurt. You often read or hear about mothers who are drug addicts, prostitutes, etc. who have really dealt their children a bad hand and those kids still love and defend their mothers. It's such a strong bond. And, I'm not comparing you to something that extreme, but just to say that there are times when it doesn't feel like it, but we have to use our inner strength to realize that our kids love us, even when they don't show it.

- Everyone deals with things differently, alot not only depends on how we grew up, but the type of personality we were born with. Look at people who are severely handicapped, that rise above it all and become incredibly successful people. I don't know if you've read Maya Angelou's books, but she had a horrendous childhood and look at what a beautiful person she is. Those things took time.

- Have you considered writing her a letter? Not a long one, but just one that says, you're sorry (if you haven't already told her) for the pain she's feeling, that you love her and that you will be there for her whenever she is ready to have a relationship, whether it's a year or 10 years. Then, that's all you can do. She has to find her way back to you. Then, maybe find other ways you can build yourself up if you feel you need to, in order to move on. Whether it's helping a friend or volunteering. Sounds corny, but I believe it works.
 
Good morning Candi,

Being young without maturity was hard on my child. When I did make decisions, it was mainly about myself, the world out there was about me at that time. She wasn't truly a part of my decision making until I grew up a little. It was these things that added up to make a ....mom.

I didn't hurt her in any other way. But that was bad enough for her to have a hard time in life because of me.

Your story is heart breaking. I'm so grateful for you to be able to comprehend how important it is to nurture your child. You broke through whatever barriers there were, and protected her. Good for you!

I have apologized to her many many times, and we have talked about this often but it still comes up from time to time, with hurtful comments. Your right, it is possible that we may have to struggle at this for a very long time.

Thank you Candi, for your exceptional side of the story.


Hi Delfin,

Thank you for your kind words. I hope your Dad finds piece, even if it is with strangers. Give him a hug and tell him you love him. Try not to let it break your heart. That is so sad.


Honeybunch1

Bless your heart. Thank you for sharing.


Kara,

Thank you for the kind words. You've given your family remarkable advice. I bet they love you dearly.



Sophiem,

I'll try to use my inner strenghth more often. I'm sure that will help me.

It's really hard to get it together for the two of us. I'm not sure what is blocking our pathway. I suspect this will take quite a while for things to happen. A journey if you will. I have confidence that one day, the hurtful remarks....will go away, and we can happily be mother and daughter as it should have been from the very start. I keep asking myself, what I would do if my mother was too young when she had me. I don't know the answer, but I do have an educated guess what I would do.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Janie,

I'm sorry for your pain. I would strongly suggest that you and your daughter both get some counseling to help you come to terms with your past. It is critical for YOUR peace of mind to know that you did the best you could do with what you knew and who you were (all we can offer our children is what we have to give). She needs to realize that parents are people, too. If she has her own children, this will come in time, but she should understand that whatever issues you two experienced, she is likely to visit them on her own children as well.

I was in counseling for years because I grew up believing that I was an inferior and shameful part of our household. My parents were emotionally and physically distant and my mother was uber-critical. I always said I'd be nothing like them but guess what??? Anyway, dealing with my parental issues made ME a better parent. I still harbor a lot of anger about this BUT I do understand my parents are people, too. They could only do what they could do. With acceptance comes a lot of peace; not perfect peace, but nothing in this life is perfect!

Good luck,
Marie
 
Marie,

Your support is great. Thank you so much for your opinion. I will consider a counselor to help me understand better. I've done that once in my life, seems, I should do it again.

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Hi Janie-

I'm sorry you are so sad. My suggestion is to buy a nice card and write a letter to your daughter. Tell her all of your feelings from past to present and how you feel about her and how much you love her. You cannot change your past, you can only learn from your mistakes and move forward. I also thought of suggesting counseling for both you and your daughter. She may be dealing with things in her own life and blaming her past for them. I wish you the best of luck and hope that road ahead for you and your daughter is filled with happy times.

Jenn
 
Janie,

Here is the thing that you should know as a parent no matter what you did it would have been wrong. The nature of a parent/child relationship is that children look at their parents for the wrong that was done. I have friends who are rich/poor, had young/old parents, had single/two parent homes, had parents who paid lots or no attention to them. The one thing that all these friends have in common is they are ABSOLUTELY sure that their parents did something wrong by them. At 37 your daughter should be able to accept your apology for what she perceived as your wrong and go on and just vow to do better by her children.

Hopefully, you guys will be able to find some peace with each other.

KIM
 
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