The Serial Bully

[ldy_solana]

Kassia...so sorry to hear. Why do some family members treat others WORSE than they do strangers, I wonder? You would think home would be the one place you'd be safe. Thanks for posting!

PS...please someone post a lovely MIL story before I choose never to marry! I know there has to be one or two!

Jonezie

jonezie-i think no matter what at some point ppl are going to bump heads. it just depends on who you are dealing with. any normal person would have a healthy debate state their point and say agree to disagree. but in my case my MIL is right, nothing is her fault,nothing that has come to her is from her actions, and nobody's feelings matter b/c her problems are way worse then yours no matter what you say. i just happen to stumble on that but at the time i was barely 20 and was unhealthy mentally myself.it wasn't until i got older and realized it was part of the problem.

i think with MILs you are always going to have something b/c hey you are taking their baby away(in a sense) but i have read from a few posters who were closer to their in-laws more then their own family in a sense. so it really depends on the person and how you can handle it. we don't bother with confronting b/c trying to talk it out never works with his mom but at some point i am going to just get so mad that i will blow and it won't be to make her see anything its for me to let out all the emotion i have been holding in.

and going through therapy we have learned a lot about dh's past but she refused to acknowledge anything and tells him he is wrong. that in itself is mental absue let alone the verbal and neglect he suffered when he was young.

wanted to add;the opposite of me dh's home life turned him into a bully b/c he grew into a big boy during those years and saw it to his power and advantage since he had none in his home life. he used the voice he did have to hurt others(he has atoned and has some regret and even sought out ppl to apologize)but at the time ppl feared him and that power went to his head while since i lived in a home of fear and abuse i took that into the world. he was just a boy who was never heard or told he was stupid etc so that is what he took into the world.

i am in NO way defending a bully and their actions but in SOME cases both parties are a victim in some way. the bully has to realize their consequence for their actions but also if they are a victim they need to serve their punishment for crime but also get help to learn to outlet their issues better.
kassia

 

[jonahnah]

Elizabeth - My MIL is a sweetie. However, one of my sisters is a living nightmare. Go figure....

 

[spicegirl]

No...there's not anything you can say really. I bet they would hate it if someone did that to them.

That damn no-sugar added dessert!!! I was dis-gusted! But I'm so so glad you're reading with me...and enjoying it. I'm honored.

Talk to you soon, friend!

Jonezie

PS...I noticed you sell Avon. Their headquarters are just down the street from me. Have you ever been there? Lots of conveyor belts...I so want to go inside and recreate an I Love Lucy or Laverne and Shirley moment.

Yep.....I'm an Avon Lady!!!! and a bit of an Avon Junkie too....Love this stuff! (if your cringing right now....thinking ew...Avon? (I've heard it a million times) just keep in mind.....it's not your MOTHER's Avon anymore!!!)

Havent' been to Pasadena's Distribution Center....but, that is where all my product comes from. And OMG, I've had the same "I Love Lucy" thoughts!!!!....that's just too FUNNY!

As for your BLOG - Do you manager your own blog site? and if so, how did you learn to do it?

Sorry ladies,.... got a little off the subject......OK, back to those NASTY MIL's.....

 

[stayhome4]

My dd, who's 14 now, has put up with a bully. She was in a group of friends of about 5 or 6 girls. They were all on the same basketball team, had sleep overs and so on. One of the girls definitely wanted to be the queen bee and was sometimes very mean. Especially to my dd. Her parents were also the basketball coaches and their team was pretty good for being so young. This little girl had a b-day party at a rec center pool in the 3rd grade. She invited everyone. She probably had 40 to 50 kids at her party. She didn't invite my dd though. My dd was crushed. That girl was always doing things like that. Parents were mad, but no one every said anything. None of them wanted to tick off the coaches so they always just kept their mouth shut about every thing. The following summer the same girl had a pool party at her g-mas house. Invited several girls including my dd, but left out a different one. My dd felt so bad for her that she decided not to attend the party. I let the mom of the bully know what was going on and why. It all turned out great. The girl not invited got invited. The moms became friends after not talking for about two years. We had a good time for the time being. The girl still bullied and everyone still kept quiet except us. My dd eventually got kicked off the team. No one said a word. It was really hurtful because no one liked these people and talked about them behind their backs all the time. They were all two faced. Eventually the one who my dd stuck up for, her mom stopped talking to me and became super good friends with the bullies mom. Sorry about the long story. There's so much I left out. I could be here all day. I think it's sad when adults tell kids that are bullied to go to an adult, but the adults turn their backs and look the other way. The good thing is that my dd learned to stick up for herself and her friends. She also learned that you have to do the right thing and not to sacrifice yourself or your friends for something like a basketball team.

 

[BuffyR]

My dd, who's 14 now, has put up with a bully. She was in a group of friends of about 5 or 6 girls. They were all on the same basketball team, had sleep overs and so on. One of the girls definitely wanted to be the queen bee and was sometimes very mean. Especially to my dd. Her parents were also the basketball coaches and their team was pretty good for being so young. This little girl had a b-day party at a rec center pool in the 3rd grade. She invited everyone. She probably had 40 to 50 kids at her party. She didn't invite my dd though. My dd was crushed. That girl was always doing things like that. Parents were mad, but no one every said anything. None of them wanted to tick off the coaches so they always just kept their mouth shut about every thing. The following summer the same girl had a pool party at her g-mas house. Invited several girls including my dd, but left out a different one. My dd felt so bad for her that she decided not to attend the party. I let the mom of the bully know what was going on and why. It all turned out great. The girl not invited got invited. The moms became friends after not talking for about two years. We had a good time for the time being. The girl still bullied and everyone still kept quiet except us. My dd eventually got kicked off the team. No one said a word. It was really hurtful because no one liked these people and talked about them behind their backs all the time. They were all two faced. Eventually the one who my dd stuck up for, her mom stopped talking to me and became super good friends with the bullies mom. Sorry about the long story. There's so much I left out. I could be here all day. I think it's sad when adults tell kids that are bullied to go to an adult, but the adults turn their backs and look the other way. The good thing is that my dd learned to stick up for herself and her friends. She also learned that you have to do the right thing and not to sacrifice yourself or your friends for something like a basketball team.

That's a heartbreaking story. When bad stuff happens to our kids it is the absolute worst.
You must be proud of your dd for sticking by her principals. She has courage.

 

[spicegirl]

Oh.....Stayhome4, sorry to hear that about your dd's experience with "the bully". Honestly, I think in some way or another....it happen's everywhere.

I come from a very small town, where the same kind of thing happens. I got so sick of it when my kids were younger, that I finally just cut them ALL loose! (that was about 8 years ago) It was hard at times.....but, I truly feel so much better off! You may think this is funny, but I learned to become my own BEST FRIEND. And it's working out great!......Use to kill me when people I didn't even know were talking about me????!!!!

Just remember.....all these people who talk behind your back have nothing better to do but GOSSIP. YUK! Doing so, must make them feel better about themselves in some sick, screwed up way. But what's worse......thier kids learn how to do this and carry it on into adulthood. Hang in there.....

 

[Jonezie]

Elizabeth - My MIL is a sweetie. However, one of my sisters is a living nightmare. Go figure....

Joan...dare I ask? How does someone qualify as a living nightmare?!?

Yep.....I'm an Avon Lady!!!! and a bit of an Avon Junkie too....Love this stuff! (if your cringing right now....thinking ew...Avon? (I've heard it a million times) just keep in mind.....it's not your MOTHER's Avon anymore!!!)

Havent' been to Pasadena's Distribution Center....but, that is where all my product comes from. And OMG, I've had the same "I Love Lucy" thoughts!!!!....that's just too FUNNY!

As for your BLOG - Do you manager your own blog site? and if so, how did you learn to do it?

Sorry ladies,.... got a little off the subject......OK, back to those NASTY MIL's.....

Spicegirl...I know, there is something about conveyor belts that brings the mischief out in anyone.

I do manage my own blog...and was COMPLETELY weblog illiterate before August of last year. It took ALOT of late nights to figure out what in the world I was doing.

A lot of Cathletes on the forum have blogs. I think BlogSpot is a favorite site..and pretty user-friendly. I can give you more details if you are interested in starting your own blog. Just PM me.

Jonezie

 

[Jonezie]

My dd, who's 14 now, has put up with a bully. She was in a group of friends of about 5 or 6 girls. They were all on the same basketball team, had sleep overs and so on. One of the girls definitely wanted to be the queen bee and was sometimes very mean. Especially to my dd. Her parents were also the basketball coaches and their team was pretty good for being so young. This little girl had a b-day party at a rec center pool in the 3rd grade. She invited everyone. She probably had 40 to 50 kids at her party. She didn't invite my dd though. My dd was crushed. That girl was always doing things like that. Parents were mad, but no one every said anything. None of them wanted to tick off the coaches so they always just kept their mouth shut about every thing. The following summer the same girl had a pool party at her g-mas house. Invited several girls including my dd, but left out a different one. My dd felt so bad for her that she decided not to attend the party. I let the mom of the bully know what was going on and why. It all turned out great. The girl not invited got invited. The moms became friends after not talking for about two years. We had a good time for the time being. The girl still bullied and everyone still kept quiet except us. My dd eventually got kicked off the team. No one said a word. It was really hurtful because no one liked these people and talked about them behind their backs all the time. They were all two faced. Eventually the one who my dd stuck up for, her mom stopped talking to me and became super good friends with the bullies mom. Sorry about the long story. There's so much I left out. I could be here all day. I think it's sad when adults tell kids that are bullied to go to an adult, but the adults turn their backs and look the other way. The good thing is that my dd learned to stick up for herself and her friends. She also learned that you have to do the right thing and not to sacrifice yourself or your friends for something like a basketball team.

StayHome4...like the other posters said, it is always heartbreaking to hear stories like this, and we all forget how monumental and life-changing it feels in a child's life.

It's funny that you bring up the party invitation (or lack of). We had this same problem at our school. I teach at a small private school that has some of the sweetest students I've ever met. I go there everyday feeling like I'm in a Norman Rockwell photo. But we have had the same problem. Girls in a class (there are about 20 students in a class) inviting everyone in the class to a birthday party...EXCEPT one. It was devastating, of course, for the one not invited. Our headmaster eventually had to put it in the handbook...that no invitations could be handed out during school hours...for just this reason.

With the boys, it seems pretty cut and dry, and bullying usually is a physical thing. It's much easier to discipline this. With the girls, however, it is this under-the-radar exclusion that no one can quite put their finger on. But the person on the end of it is painfully aware.

I haven't had children yet and worry that this kind of damage is irreversible. Many people I've met have memories seared into their brains (and hearts) as a result of bullying. What have you and your daughter done to work through it? Do you think she's processing it well?

Jonezie

 

[diane57]

That is fascinating; I have known some individuals like that and they are maddening. It was really interesting to read through the list.

As I read through the list, I kept thinking of: Rush Limbaugh. (and other talk show hosts who pontificate in the same way.) He is an EXPERT at all of that behavior. And then I was wondering why do people want to align themselves with him (apart from just agreeing with his politics)? Maybe if the bully is your friend you feel a sense of protection or something. NOT wanting to start a political debate, I know the world is divided into Dittoheads and Rush-Is-Insane types and neither one will ever see the other's POV. But there is no denying that some political commentators use those exact methods to get their points across.

This probably happens in corporations and businesses as well, there is often one person whom everyone fears, and who seems to control everything, and guess what? Those people seem to rise to the top of management. I guess they get lots of reinforcement for having that personality because they always get what they want that way. REALLY fascinating, thanks for posting this.

 

[Jonezie]

That is fascinating; I have known some individuals like that and they are maddening. It was really interesting to read through the list.

This probably happens in corporations and businesses as well, there is often one person whom everyone fears, and who seems to control everything, and guess what? Those people seem to rise to the top of management. I guess they get lots of reinforcement for having that personality because they always get what they want that way. REALLY fascinating, thanks for posting this.

Diane...interesting you bring up corporations and businesses...this list actually came from a publication on how to recognize bullying in the corporate world (among adult co-workers). The problem is there is no clear answer on how to eliminate it.

My mom worked as a legal secretary for many years, some of them under an office manager who was miserable, MISERABLE, to her and everyone else. And she was the boss of everyone. It's incomprehensible to me.

Thanks for the post...glad you enjoyed the article!

Jonezie

 

[Fidget Queen]

Wow. I actually dated somebody for 5 years who fit every single item on that list except for ONE! He did like to do things/give things to others (only on his terms) so that he could PROVE how wonderful he was. Amazing. Thanks for pointing that out, as it kind of put that time in my life (and how I've come out of it) in perspective.

 

[stayhome4]

Jonzie
My dd actually has handled it very well. This particular bully took turns with who she bullied. She took it out on my dd more then the others, but she did take it out on others. That's why I couldn't figure out why the parents put up with her crap. If we all stuck together, she couldn't have bullied. Anyway, she's alot thicker skinned now. She doesn't take things as personal and has learned to believe that the bully is the one with the problem. We've since moved from that town and now dd gets to play against them in school ball. That's always interesting. I didn't envy her to have to go out onto the court and play them. I felt so bad, but believe it has made her a stronger person. It's fun to watch her steal the basketball from the bully though.

 

[Jonezie]

Wow. I actually dated somebody for 5 years who fit every single item on that list except for ONE! He did like to do things/give things to others (only on his terms) so that he could PROVE how wonderful he was. Amazing. Thanks for pointing that out, as it kind of put that time in my life (and how I've come out of it) in perspective.

You're welcome, Fidget Queen (PS...I posted something to you in the "Does it Really Have to Be..." thread, too)! 5 years? That must have been a nightmare...I can see why you're not dating him anymore. Did you find a wonderful guy to step in as his replacement?

Jonzie
My dd actually has handled it very well. This particular bully took turns with who she bullied. She took it out on my dd more then the others, but she did take it out on others. That's why I couldn't figure out why the parents put up with her crap. If we all stuck together, she couldn't have bullied. Anyway, she's alot thicker skinned now. She doesn't take things as personal and has learned to believe that the bully is the one with the problem. We've since moved from that town and now dd gets to play against them in school ball. That's always interesting. I didn't envy her to have to go out onto the court and play them. I felt so bad, but believe it has made her a stronger person. It's fun to watch her steal the basketball from the bully though.

I'm SO glad that she is able to recognize that it is the bully's problem. She must be very wise for her age. A lot of people don't realize that until they are much older, if ever. They never think it is the major issues going on with the bully that causes them to act out...unfortunately a lot of people think there must be something wrong with them.

PS...I bet those basketball games ARE fun to watch!

Thanks for the posts! Jonezie

 

[dr.mel_PT]

Unfortunately my coworker fits EVERY SINGLE item on that list. I can't stand her! She constantly takes credit for others' work and the worst part is, she is a LIAR. What's even worse is this woman is one of my team managers. The higher-ups think she is soooo great. but they don't see what goes on behind the scenes nor do they want to hear it. Ask me how this LAZY piece of work makes a really good living at my company doing NOTHING...and she doesn't even get questioned about it! The boss always blames us or makes up some lame excuse as to why this woman can't do her job. Um, what?! There are plenty of more capable people who would crush her in that position. She has been in this industry for 6 years and she still is CLUELESS, probably because she never put in any effort to learn anything, esp since she steals others' work. I was working with her on one project and she told me to do it a certain way, to which I responded "Are you sure? You know it would make more sense to do it this way." She said no, her way was better. So, I send the finished product to the boss and she calls me and the bully into her office and questions why everything looks wrong and it should have been done another way (conveniently, the way I suggested). Bully says "OH well I told Melissa to do it that way but she didn't listen" and I said "Um, no you didn't; I suggested it to you and you said it can't be done that way. I have the emails to prove it." Needless to say, she won't confirm anything else with me by email; I have to document every phone and in-person convo we have because this happens a lot. And the saddest part is, the boss will still drag her out of a burning building over me.

Oh and while I'm on the rant, every year we have something called Merit Awards; you get $250 if you win and all the managers vote on who they think deserves to be recognized for their accomplishments. All but 1 of the managers voted for me and when the votes came in, the boss was like "what about [the Bully]? Why didn't you vote for her?" and everyone reiterated what I said above because it's pretty apparent she is a waste of a paycheck to everyone but the higher-ups. So the boss said "Well, I don't agree," threw all the votes out, and submitted FAKE votes to make the bully win!!!!!! I was so mad when I found out what happened. I don't get it!

Sorry about the long post & thanks for letting me vent

 

[janie1234]

3. is emotionally retarded

I know you meant no disrespect but when I see this word used so loosely. I for some reason feel offended. I have a son with special needs and a nephew who died when he was 6 but had downs syndrome with retardation. I sometimes think this word is used so often to describe people who are ignorant or moraly inept. One day during a buisness meeting someone was giving a speech and talked about how someone was so stupid he must have ridden the "yellow bus" while he was in school.
With regards to the bullying, . .my husband was severely bullied when he was in highschool and when my son was in pre-school there were kids that were not so nice to him and would do things to him because he would let them get away with it. It is wrong and mean. I hate bullies as much as I hate crazy drivers, traffic, and going to the dentist.
I hope not to start a flame war. I debated saying anything at all. This is only my opinion.

 

[dr.mel_PT]

I hate bullies as much as I hate crazy drivers, traffic, and going to the dentist.

I think I'm the only person who likes going to the dentist. All of my friends/family think I'm weird but it's been this way since I was little. Maybe it's the innate sadomasichist in me

 

[GraceNote]

I know you meant no disrespect but when I see this word used so loosely. I for some reason feel offended.

But I think in this sense, 'retarded' is being used in the correct sense of 'delayed or lack of development' in a particular area. I've often said that someone is emotionally retarded, meaning that their emotional maturity does not match their chronological age. There are adults who have never progressed beyond the selfish-me-me-me stage of a child, for example (and I dated a few of them!! ). Sometimes a word is just what it is, no insult intended.

 

[janie1234]

I think I'm the only person who likes going to the dentist. All of my friends/family think I'm weird but it's been this way since I was little. Maybe it's the innate sadomasichist in me

Yes!! You must be a sadomasichist. I bet you have perfect teeth though. I had bad teeth when I was a kid so I was traumatized. My teeth are okay now but because I'm so scared that something bad will happen if I dont floss and brush 3 times a day.

 

[janie1234]

But I think in this sense, 'retarded' is being used in the correct sense of 'delayed or lack of development' in a particular area. I've often said that someone is emotionally retarded, meaning that their emotional maturity does not match their chronological age. There are adults who have never progressed beyond the selfish-me-me-me stage of a child, for example (and I dated a few of them!! ). Sometimes a word is just what it is, no insult intended.

I know what you mean. I know I'm a little more hypersensitive to this because of the people that I have loved and know with retardation. I've also worked with kids with special needs. It is hurtful when you are with a child who is obviously retarded at a play ground and all the older kids look at him and point and laugh and say "He's a retard." I guess I feel bad that when the word is used it is used typically with the intent to insult and not for scientific purposes. It is one this be talking about someone with downs syndrom and say "He is retarded." and another thing to say to someone you know is of typical development "Are you emotionally retarded?" I mean if someone said that to me I'd feel bad. There are many a people with Autism and Downs Syndrom as well as other disabilities that are just so super great and lovable. It's true go visit a Special Olympics event and you'll see what I mean, . . oh crap, . .I'm rambling sorry getting off my soap box and crawling into a dark cave.

 

[GraceNote]

Janie, no no no! Don't climb into anything - I'm sorry, I didn't meant to hurt your feelings!! I was just trying to explain that it's not, itself, an insulting word. It can be a clinical diagnosis. Despite my smilie, I really did date (and almost married) a man who had real problems that stemmed from his childhood and prevented him from maturing normally. He was, emotionally, a boy trapped in a man's body - his emotional growth was retarded by the events of his childhood, so said his therapist.

I think the idea from the original post is that adult bullies may have the same problem - they're 'stuck' at a non-adult emotional maturity level, and that might be apparant in other aspects of their life. It makes sense - adults who are caught up in bullying behavior are probably having issues in other parts of their life, too.