Talking to your husband/SO

[naughtoj]

Ok, I need some advice.


Hubby and I are talking last night and the conversation (much to his dismay;-) ) rolls around to talking about "real life" issues, as I would like to call them. You know, money..for us, moving (he wants to move to IL or MO and I don't know how I feel about that), blah, blah. As far as the latter situation goes, I feel trouble brewing. He wants to go back to where his family is and I feel backed into a corner. He doesn't want to move halfway, he doesn't want to stay here. I feel that even if we moved and I did not like it, he would never move back. I would just end up being miserable. Sooooo.....I think I am getting a bit bitter about feeling like I have no choice in how my life is going to play out and maybe it is showing. I have this real need to talk about this issue even though it is not happening yet (but will inevitably happen after I get out of school). He is just waiting for that to drop the real bomb, you know? So...as soon as I voice my discontent on ANY matter he throws a hissy, says he didn't mean to start a huge fight, and flees out of the room, sometimes throwing things (not at me). It is actually pretty funny how fast he has a meltdown Other than this, in every other way, my husband is an absolutely wonderful husband. He doesn't every even get mad unless it is one of these situations.


He always thinks we are FIGHTING. I try to explain to him that I am just TALKING ABOUT REAL THINGS. I told him last night that we have a "fairweather" relationship. As long as we are comfie, have enough money, don't have any disputes, everything is GREAT. But as soon as I bring up talking about the real, important stuff, he thinks it is a fight. It is like he can't handle any disrupt in our perfect little life. Every time this happens, I get mad a little, but mostly I feel sad because I don't see it changing. I fast forward to us having REAL money problems or kids (and the conflicts that automatically happen in a relationship over your children) and am not sure if he couldn't handle any of that/our relationship could survive that.

I am the first to admit that yeah, we don't usually start our conversations talking about 'real' issues, they just usually evolve to that. Last night was triggered by talking about a log cabin he saw on the internet (he is dropping a hint). I know we do have some issues, like with him wanting so many material things that just don't matter to me...but all couples do. I know when we talk about these issues that I probably do say things that are not worded the right way but I do feel that overall I am not out of line when I expect him to be able to talk about things like an ADULT and not throw a temper tantrum like a 3 year old child!!!

How do I deal with this without it sounding accusatory or deameaning to him. This issue is really making me fear for our future!! HELP!



Wanted to add: I come from a violent family that faught over anything and everything every day, but atleast voiced their discontent with the 'real' issues. He comes from a family where he has no real memory of his parents EVER talking about 'real' issues. At least not in front of him....?????? Weird, if you ask me..

 

[red_mct]

Janice, are you speaking from the "I" in those conversations? In other words, are you approaching the convo only from your POV? "I feel," "I see," "I think," etc. - rather than attempting to tell the SO what he is doing, thinking, feeling.

If he continues to throw a tantrum even when you are approaching the situation objectively and about you, really, I would suggest a counselor, who can act as a neutral third party. It's really important that you feel you have as much say in decisions about your life as he does.

Good luck,
Marie

 

[maussade22]

Janice,

I am in a similar situation but without the tantrums. I come from a violent, checkered family where we talked about everything, yelled and screamed and got it out in the open. No topic was off limits. My DH comes from a family where his parents never argued in front of him (or at all) and pretended everything was perfect.

It's been a bit of an obstacle for our relationship. There was a major blowout between his mom and SIL and aunt 3 years ago because no one ever talked about problems, feelings or expectations. I have come to realize this will never be resolved because my MIL will not apologize or admit any wrongdoing. She won't even talk about it or talk to her aunt.

How this has affected my relationship with DH is that he has a difficult time seeing that there are any issues with his family. He also has a history of ending relationships when there's an argument/fight. So, I've had my work cut out for me. He's willing to work on it, but it's been exhausting for me having to repeat over and over, "if you're mad or upset by something I've done, tell me". My fear is that he will wake up 20 years for now and blow up, not over dishes in the sink, but about all the issues he's kept bottled up inside.

My advice to you (if I were in your shoes) is that if your DH will not talk about this now (and the result is a tantrum or walking away) is to seek out counseling. Have you told him that you do not want to move to IL or MO?

Heather

P.S. Edited to add - yes, it's weird that people don't talk about real issues

 

[Gayle]

{{{Janice}}}

This is a tough situation to live in. I totally agree with the recommendation to seek some counseling.

I also come from a very vocal family (vocal in a good way) where all grievances were aired out. Yes, it did lead to a fair amount of yelling at times, but I think that's a lot better dealing with a festering silence.

I wish I could offer you something more in the way of advice. Sending you positive vibes that this will all work out.

 

[gym_mom]

What you're describing sounds like the three years of my marriage where we didn't talk, we went talked round in circles instead, discussing the same things, but never getting any resolution.

Get counseling - even if he won't go with you. A neutral third party can get both of you to see things that you won't or can't see just talking it out together. Even without DH, the counselor can give you ideas on how to express yourself so your DH listens and how to listen better when your DH is talking.

This is not something you'll resolve on your own. You each have different backgrounds that have conditioned you to respond in certain ways when conflict comes up. When you push to address the issue, you are probably triggering a defense mechanism in DH that puts up a wall and prevents him from really hearing you. Likewise, when he tries to address the issue, you may not be realizing that he is even attempting to resolve it because his approach is so different from what you grew up with. Couseling will help. (Sorry if I sound like I'm pushing, I'm really not a psychologist, I just know exactly what you're going through!)


Edit: We've been married 18 years this Sept - counseling kept us together.

 

[naughtoj]

We talked more this AM after I posted and got everything out in the open, and we were fine...He apolgized for the way he acted and I was able to tell him how I felt and he told me how he felt. Usually it is like this. We have the initial blow up but the next day we can talk about it calmly. Very weird.

We did talk about moving and how I felt he was pressuring me. He said he did not mean to and that even though he may want to move someday, that he is very happy with his life now too. He understood where I could get the impression he wasn't by some of his comments. He also got the wrong impression from some of my comments so I apologized for them and clarified, so we are good now!


Thanks for the feedback, good to know counseling has worked for others if it comes to that for us..

 

[nancy324]

Janice-
I don't think that counseling is something that it has to "come to". Sometimes counseling can just help the two of you communicate better, and understand each other better. It sounds like you have a great husband, and a good relationship. It's worth working on whatever your communication issues are. Just my two cents.
-Nancy