Stress In A Marriage ~ Thoughts?

[LaughingWater]

Naturally, this doesn't only apply to married couples. I just typed "marriage" because I happen to be in one. Any relationship advice would be helpful!

DH and I have been married for 16 years, long enough to know that good times don't always last, and bad times come around and nip you in the butt now and then.

I've always been relatively unflappable. Not that I'm an insensitive jerk or anything, but I realize that misfortune visits us all, and this tends to color my approach to things. I get sad, angry, and scared just like everyone else, but it's tempered with the realization that life will always be a challenge, and any misfortune is not a personal attack upon me. It's just the way it is.

DH, on the other hand, is super emotional. His moods swing wildly, and I can literally see him mentally wrestling with his anxiety. I think sometimes he would like to rationalize things the way I do, but it doesn't come natural to him. What he feels, he feels intensely.

So...when crap hits the fan, as it does in everyone's life, he and I obviously handle the crisis very differently. Not surprisingly, this causes additional stress, which is certainly not what a couple needs when there's already enough external stress chipping away at our combined sanity. We try to be there for each other, but the differences in how we handle challenges can't help but be noticed, and it affects us.

I won't go into details, but I wondered if anyone else experiences this in their relationships. I go through year to year thinking my marriage is actually quite strong ~ it seems that way most of the time. But now that we've been repeatedly hit with one crisis after another, I can't help but see the cracks in our foundation.

Perhaps this is normal, and I'm just "seeing" it for the first time. I don't know. Thanks for reading and sharing any thoughts you might have.

 

[janie1234]

Oh Lori, . . I could have written your post with the roles reversed. My husband is the rock and steady solid foundation of the family and I'm the nervous wreck. I've been married for almost 10 years and we've been through some major up's and downs, . . esp. when my son at the age of 2 was diagnoised autistic. I am the anti social, overthinking, person, with the type A personality that always has to have a plan. He's sorta the fly by the seat of your pants and handle things as they come type of person. He does not worry about anything. My mother in law, his mom was diagnoised with terminal lung cancer 6 months ago, . . sadly she is really going down hill. We look at the situation totally differently. I want the in-laws to move closer to family so we can help take care of them and he says I need to respect their need for independence, . . . .anyhow my point is that I think it is wonderful that you can say that you feel that mostly you are happily married. I can honestly say the same thing. In spite of our differences we truly love each other and cannot imagine ourselves with anyone else. Sometimes I even feel that the differences really help to counter balance each other. I would be a nervous wreck if not for my husband who has the patience of Job (JOB 42:1-17). Look at it this way there is no such thing as perfect and life just ebs and flows, . . . good and bad. There will always be challenges that help us to learn and teach us to grow. When things get crazy I just try to focus on the good things in life, .. .that and I just go for a really long run. Hang in there Lori, . .from your past posts about your husband, . . I would say your hubbie and you seem meant to be. It is so easy to be bogged down with the negatives in life, . . something as simple as being grateful for food on the table and clothes on our back tends to be forgotten. Remember there are and will be more happy times to remember as a couple and as my husband always says he'd rather us go through tough times together than apart. Hugs to you.

 

[Gayle]

Lori,

I think this is normal. I deal with stress much in the way that you do. My DH, on the other hand, handles stress different from me. He tends to clam up and internalize it to the point that it consumes him (gets real snappy, can't sleep, etc). I used to think that he was mad at me.

He has a tendency to make every problem his own, and feel that he needs to fix everything by himself. It used to bother me a lot, but within the last four or five years (we've been married 11) I've figured out how to recognize when he was getting that way and nip it in the bud...basically remind him that we're a team, and that I'm here to help. That usually helps snap him out of it.

I've never been to a counselor, but maybe something like that would help...or maybe your DH would benefit to talking to someone about his anxiety...just a thought. Hope this helps. {{{hugs}}}

 

[diane57]

I also consider my marriage very strong but the exact thing happens to us. I am slightly anxious by nature, energetic, like to get things done, get things organized, "stay on top" of things. DH is more easygoing, does not tend to worry the way I do, is more relaxed. We love and admire these qualities in each other and generally we complement each other well, when he needs to get in gear I nudge him a little, and when I need to chill out he encourages me to do so.

BUT when there are very stressful situations, the way there are in every marriage from time to time, we each go the extreme version of our personality - I get frantic and micro-manage everything and can't calm down, and DH becomes paralyzed and does not want to deal with anything. So then in addition to combating whatever stressful situation we're in, we are annoyed by each other's coping styles. I just try to remember, this is the way we both are wired, I try to respect his style of doing things and treat him kindly no matter how much I want to just SCREAM at him, and I keep in mind that the storm will blow over. We do joke about it when it's over but it drives us both batty at the time.

 

[BAM]

Lori, I don't know if this will help or not but today's Oprah is talking about spirituality and how to overcome difficult times. In my area, it's on now. I don't know about your area. It sounds like you're getting wonderful advice. Hugs to you!

Bam

 

[wendybdh]

Lori - I'm sooo glad you posted this as I too could have written your post. I'm the one who wonders, when things are rough if it's all worth it. I too am a perfectionist who thinks that if all is not going perfect, maybe it's time to throw in the towel (irrational thinking on my part but it happens). We've been married for 11 and together for 17 years. It's so hard to not feel as though the world is crashing down sometimes and you're in the middle. In the past 2 years I've had 2 miscarriages, my dad was diagnosed w/ incurable cancer, my DH has had health problems and that led to him suffering from depression. Therefore, I was dealing w/ anxiety, depression and a feeling of being trapped and not knowing how to get out. It didn't really have anything to do with our relationship it was just all the stresses around us. Sometimes when things are on a rocky path it's hard to see the smooth road ahead that we travel on a great percentage of the time. I think we all go through times that are tough and it's hard not to see the, as you put it, "cracks in the foundation." But, unfortunately, I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect marriage as we all go through tough times. Hang in there and hugs.

 

[wendybdh]

Oh Lori, . . I could have written your post with the roles reversed. My husband is the rock and steady solid foundation of the family and I'm the nervous wreck. I've been married for almost 10 years and we've been through some major up's and downs, . . esp. when my son at the age of 2 was diagnoised autistic. I am the anti social, overthinking, person, with the type A personality that always has to have a plan. He's sorta the fly by the seat of your pants and handle things as they come type of person. He does not worry about anything. My mother in law, his mom was diagnoised with terminal lung cancer 6 months ago, . . sadly she is really going down hill. We look at the situation totally differently. I want the in-laws to move closer to family so we can help take care of them and he says I need to respect their need for independence, . . . .anyhow my point is that I think it is wonderful that you can say that you feel that mostly you are happily married. I can honestly say the same thing. In spite of our differences we truly love each other and cannot imagine ourselves with anyone else. Sometimes I even feel that the differences really help to counter balance each other. I would be a nervous wreck if not for my husband who has the patience of Job (JOB 42:1-17). Look at it this way there is no such thing as perfect and life just ebs and flows, . . . good and bad. There will always be challenges that help us to learn and teach us to grow. When things get crazy I just try to focus on the good things in life, .. .that and I just go for a really long run. Hang in there Lori, . .from your past posts about your husband, . . I would say your hubbie and you seem meant to be. It is so easy to be bogged down with the negatives in life, . . something as simple as being grateful for food on the table and clothes on our back tends to be forgotten. Remember there are and will be more happy times to remember as a couple and as my husband always says he'd rather us go through tough times together than apart. Hugs to you.

I just went back and read your post. Very well said!!!!

 

[Roxie 1965]

My DH and I are celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary today and believe me it has been a challenge. My DH shows no emotion so I never know what he is thinking or feeling. I once had to have a serious talk about divorcing him because he had not said he loved me for a year and he never showed his DDS how much he cared about them.

 

[LaughingWater]

You guys are awesome! <3 Thank you for the hugs and wise words.

Janie, I like your reminder about how challenges push us to grow. DH was diagnosed with testicular cancer back in February, and we handled that beautifully actually. You'd think if anything, that would have highlighted the differences in our personalities, but we instead bonded effortlessly.

This time, his father is the one who is going through the diagnostic process for lung cancer, and while we have hope it will turn out okay, it doesn't realistically look like it will. This has pushed DH over the edge, and I guess I'm saddened by the fact that we can't approach this problem with the same cohesiveness.

I suppose somewhere in here is a lesson for me.

Gayle, I'd love to get him to a counselor. He refuses. And yep...snapping, angry, sullen... I'm thinking I just have to give him space (or hide in the closet with chocolate ).

Diane, I'm fast approaching paralysis!

BAM, I can catch Oprah reruns at night. Thank you for the heads up.

Wendy, you worded it correctly...the world seems to be caving in, and I'm standing in the kitchen like, "Wha...?", a deer in the headlights. I'm so sorry you've had such a tough 2 years, and I wish you and your family well.

I'm okay with imperfection. DH is the perfectionist actually, which might explain why I accept things a little easier than he does. I'm just surprised by my current inability to help him. I feel like because I'm so different, I'm of no comfort to him at all.

Roxie, Happy Anniversary! 26 years is an impressive accomplishment. I hope the two of you will continue to learn and grow together. I'm not someone who shows zero emotion, but I do tend to be a little like the Tin Man. DH sometimes thinks it's cool ~ I heard him tell our daughters, "Your mother is much tougher than any man." ~ and sometimes he is horrified, like when I don't cry at funerals or don't blink at bad news. (Then I'll get teary over something really dopey, like a Hallmark commercial. Go figure.)

((Hugs)) to all of you for sharing and helping me out. I value your opinions greatly.

 

[janie1234]

I'm not someone who shows zero emotion, but I do tend to be a little like the Tin Man. DH sometimes thinks it's cool ~ I heard him tell our daughters, "Your mother is much tougher than any man." ~ and sometimes he is horrified, like when I don't cry at funerals or don't blink at bad news. (Then I'll get teary over something really dopey, like a Hallmark commercial. Go figure.)

I wish I were like you. My husband is sooo like that. I always joke about how he's a human robot. I'll poke him in the shoulder and ask him if he feels anything. It really makes for a healthy balance. Although you may not see eye to eye with certain situations it really is better for the both of you to get through it together than apart.

 

[wendybdh]

Lori - I may be way off base here but like I said I'm the perfectionist and when my dad was diagnosed w/ cancer (lung also) I had, and at times, still have, a difficult time because it is out of my hands and I feel like all I can do is sit back and watch. Losing the element of control was very hard for me. When your DH had cancer he probably still felt some control over the situation which is different from this now that his dad has cancer and there's nothing he can do about it. Your husband is just having a tough time right now and unfortunately there probably isn't much you can do but just be there. That is all I needed from my DH because I had meltdowns-alot- and I took out my frustrations on him and at times, secluded myself because I just felt like the world had thrown so much on me that I just couldn't deal with anything. I had to put on a front at work and once I got home I became unable to complete basic daily functions. He took over and became the shoulder to lean on whether I used it or not. Just knowing he was there was all I could ask for. Your DH knows you're there - I think he probably just feels helpless right now but I don't think you should see it as a reflection of your marriage. Easier said than done I'm sure. I hope all that made some sense.

 

[morningstar]

(Then I'll get teary over something really dopey, like a Hallmark commercial. Go figure.)

It's probably because it is safe to cry about Hallmark commercials- it doesn't leave you vulnerable. They also sneak up on you, so you don't have time to rally your usual defenses against showing that kind of emotion.

 

[LaughingWater]

When your DH had cancer he probably still felt some control over the situation which is different from this now that his dad has cancer and there's nothing he can do about it.

That is all I needed from my DH because I had meltdowns-alot- and I took out my frustrations on him and at times, secluded myself because I just felt like the world had thrown so much on me that I just couldn't deal with anything.

Wow, that was right on target actually!

I think he probably just feels helpless right now but I don't think you should see it as a reflection of your marriage. Easier said than done I'm sure. I hope all that made some sense.

That made perfect sense. I'm having trouble understanding why we seem to be at odds during a time when we should be coming together, so that's kind of freaking me out. I think, though, I have to let him deal with this in his own way, and I'll just hang out in the background.

MorningStar, that makes sense too.