Similiar ? on the breadwinner post.

E

exercise forever

Cathlete
I often wondered how alot of couples do their money especially when they both work. The breadwinner post stroke up this question for me. I work as my dh does and we put our money together. The bills are paid together and it has always been put in the same pot. Then I talk to my best friend and her and her dh have seperate accounts and bills. It seems so weird to hear of that,and I guess it is because I have been used to putting it together with my dh. My bestfriend also ask to borrow money from her dh for a reason and pays him back. Gosh!, I just ask my dh for it! I'm not saying this is wrong but just foreign to me. I told my friend it was just like they were roommates and they don't even tell each other where they are going when they walk out the door. Now I couldn't imagine not telling my spouse where I was going or doing. I don't think that is controlling. I think it is showing respect and courtesy.

Didn't mean to draw out a long paragragh here but just a little curious on whether I have missed something.

I don't say any situation is wrong, but just curious how that works for some.


kim
 
I've always thought that having one joint account (where each person puts in the same % of their pay, and which is used for mortgage payments, food, car payments, any joint venture) and two separate accounts (that each individual can use for anything s/he darn well pleases) would be what I would want to do. I believe that women should retain their financial independance in a relationship, and after seeing some posts here about someone's DH controlling the household money, and not 'allowing' her to buy some workout DVD or whatever, I think it's a good idea. I hate the idea of having to "ask someone else for money" to buy something I want. Seems rather paternalistic to me.

I do agree that it's just common courtesy and respect to let your SO know where you are going and what you are doing (if they happen to be around at the time) or leave a note or message to let them know where you are.
 
My DH and I lived together for 4 years before we got married. We started a joint checking account and a joint savings account (our "furniture fund" was what we called it then) at that point. When we got married, we kept it the same, although we have a few other savings accounts now, including a vacation fund. ;) I am a terrible saver, so I have asked DH not to tell me how much is in our savings accounts, especially our vacation fund. I would not rest before I spent all that as fast as possible. x(

As for our checking accounts, we have different ways of keeping track of our money- he balances his checkbook against the bank statements, and I do all of my accounting online and use my ATM card for 99% of my purchases. If I take money out of the joint checking, I either leave him a message or email telling him I did so or have to go and record it in the checkbook. He isn't the one telling me I "have" to do any of this this way, but out of respect for him and his superior money management skills, I don't want him to have to deal with my looser watch on the accounts.

Ever since we combined our money in the first furniture fund, we have ended up that he pays the bills from either his checking or our joint checking (to which I contribute 30-50% of the rent, plus whatever else I can depending on my work status), and I pay for groceries and gifts. :7 He has a large family, so it works out quite well.

I expect some of this to change once I graduate in 2 years and can actually work full time...
 
Kim
My husband and I are just like you. We have always had joint accounts. We both have automatic deposit with our checks. Our money is not an issue with us. I do have a friend that her and her husband split the bills and have seperate accounts. Now that works for them, but it does seem strange to me too. I guess what ever works, is what should be practiced.
Melissa
 
A looooooooooooong time ago, my Dad gave me a piece of advice. My Dad wasn't big on giving advice. He just kind of let you make your own mistakes and hopefully learn from them. So I remember this well. He said "always keep your own money". Now, I was young and foolish and I didn't listen. And I paid for that in my first marriage. My ex-, when we separated, closed the joint account and took everything in it. I had to go to my Dad for a loan. Ahem. Yes, that was fun. Moving along, I didn't learn so well from that mistake and got burnt again.

So now, guess what? I keep my own money. My SO and I have completely separate accounts, he pays for certain things and I pay for certain things and what we do with what is leftover is pretty much up to the individual. I like it this way. I can buy what I want and I don't get all bent out of shape when he spends money I don't think he should. And considering that I have a hard time spending money on anything, that would happen often.

There. Hope you enjoyed my novel;)
 
My DH and I have a similar situation to yours Shelly. We keep completely seperate accounts and divy up the bills. We spend our money on what we want without ?s With the exception of major purchases which we discuss with one another. My DH would never dream of telling me what I can spend money on and nor would I tell him. Of course we don't have children and I think this makes things much less complicated when it comes to finances.

Catherine
 
I agree with Shelley and Catherine,
My husband and I have seperate accounts and divy up the bills too-we each buy what we want when we want it and so there are no fights about money. I could not imagine someone controlling what I buy or how much money I could have so on. It works for us-everyone is different!
Lisa
 
Kim,

I'm similar to you. DH and I got married young and didn't really have any money so it just made sense to combine the little we had. I think it just depends on circumstances and back ground as to how someone sets it up. DH and I check with each other, more out of respect than permission, if we want something out of the normal living expenses. Now that I'm older, I've often wondered what I would do if I were to remarry. Would I have to order a credit report on my future husband to see what his real spending habits were? Even though you know you love them, do you ever really know everything about them?

Jean
 
DH and I have joint accounts. Money goes into the accounts that we both have access to, and we are both free to use what we need. As I said in the other post on this topic, he usually checks with me before making a bigger purchase, because he has no idea about the money really, since I manage it, and I let him know where we stand on $$ matters. We're both adults and trust each other not to run us off into a ditch financially.

I do know many people who have separate accounts and it works for them.

Sparrow

ETA: this doesn't mean that I think spouses should spend money willy-nilly without *consulting* each other. But it's not about asking permission, it's about courtesy, IMO.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Dh and I both work, and we have no kids. We didn't see any reason to create any joint accounts. We've divided up the bill responsibilities pretty evenly, so each of us takes care about the same amount. This works well for us.

We also have very similar philosophies regarding spending, saving, debt, etc, and that makes a huge difference. We're both relatively frugal and we both HATE having any debt. So our arrangement works.
 
My money and my DH's money has always been "our" money. Even when I'm not working (like right now because I'm in nursing school), it's our money. We're both reaching for the same goals, neither of us are irresponsible with the money, and most importantly - neither of us are going anywhere. We're in this relationship for the long haul. :7 My mom on the other hand has separate accounts from her husband. I always thought this was strange. She's always saying "I bought this with my money." But, this is her second marriage, she always has been a griper and pessimistic, and is now again miserable in this marriage. So maybe that's why it's like it is. Anyway - I wouldn't change a thing about how my husband and I handle our money.
 
DH and I both work and all our money is held in joint accounts. This works for us because we're both thrifty and have the same financial goals. We were both older when we married (I was 28; he was 32) which also helps because we each had experience in budgeting and paying bills. We've sat down with a number of financial planners and insurance agents over the years to discuss our finances so money is a subject we are very comfortable speaking to each other about.

I learned a valuable credit card lesson when I was 24 or so, had some unexpected car repairs and ended up with $1000 credit card balance. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a lot to most of you but back then in the 80s it was a lot of money to me and I thought I'd NEVER pay it off. Well, I did. Little by little, I paid off my credit card and even paid off my student loan ahead of time, managing to enter our marriage virtually debt free which was very important to me. (I think I had about a year left on a car loan and that was it.)

Anyway, DH and I both dated for 5 years before we married so we really got to know and observe each other's money habits. We had no surprises after we were married. We also agreed early on that we didn't need permission from each other to buy anything less than $50 and that worked for us. As our income and assets have increased, so has the number but we still discuss upcoming purchases with each other not to get "permission" but so the other person is aware and for planning purposes.

BTW, I never responded on the breadwinner post but DH decided to go part-time so he would be available to get the kids off to school in the morning and for after school activities. Consequently, he makes much less than I do but I still consider our money just as much his as mine.

Sue
 
My story is similar to Shelley's. When I was married, everything was joint. When we split, it was a real mess. We eventually worked everything out, but I was determined not to be in that situation again. My SO and I live together and have mostly kept everything separate. However, we are opening a joint account so that we have household funds. We went through the bills and determined what would be a joint bill (utilities, taxes, food, etc.) vs. what would be separate (car payments and I still pay the mortgage). Even without that, though, we're pretty good about splitting things fairly evenly. I just am nervous about being on an account with someone, even though he is great with money (the EX was not).

Marie
 
I think as with everything in life you need to listen politely to "advice" and then do what is best for you and your unique situation. More life situations of people I know and love have been harmed by well-meaning advice from "friends" than I care to remember. Everyone has an opinion, but that doesn't always make it the right one for you and your life.

I would agree there are couples who should have finances separated. It all depends on the relationship and how each of the two people feel about spending and finances in general.

As I posted in the other breadwinner thread, hubby and I have everything together jointly. There are valid reasons for this from a legal standpoint. God forbid if something happened to one of us the other would be able to access the funds from credit cards, etc right away. I think one thing essential to making a situation like this work is both people have to have the same attitude towards finances and spending. We do, and this works for us. We have a joint checking/savings account and our paychecks are direct deposit. He can't balance a checkbook to save his life so I do all the bills. Neither of us would think of making a major purchase without consulting the other. Even small things we clear with each other first. It's not a matter of control or who "owns" the pocketbook - it's a matter of common courtesy. We don't fight about money. We discuss things we need and we plan out how best to get there. I've known him 23 years and we've been together - dating and then married - since I met him, and this has worked for us. Obviously it won't work for everyone. But I can't imagine separating bills and finances for us.

Carol
:)
 
I do think every situation is different.

One of my girlfriends, for example, went joint on all accounts with her second husband, and when they split up, she had to sell her house to buy him out. She is now in the same situation with a long-time boyfriend who moved in with her in her new house shortly afterwards. Some people never learn, I guess, even though it's really her children who are suffering by losing their home (twice).

It was a really good lesson for me (even if not for her). My SO and I will get married at some point but I don't think it's necessary to co-mingle all of our funds. I have children from my first marriage and I want to make sure I don't in any way jeopardize their future. So any mingling of funds is very much controlled. And this works for us, since we are free to spend (or not spend) our money in whatever way we wish.

Again, whatever works for you.

Marie
 
Good question, Kim.

My situation is as Kathryn described. When DH and I met, I was 40 and he was 46 yrs. old, and we moved in together about a year later. We keep our assets in separate accounts, except that we have a joint checking account that pays all the household bills.

We both contribute to the joint account pro rata based upon the amount of our salaries. In prior years, DH made more than me, and he contributed more to the joint account. Our salaries are now about the same, and we currently contribute equally to the joint checking account each month.

Our system has worked extraordinarily well for us. We rarely argue or even have differences of opinion on financial topics. I pay for my expensive haircuts and clothes out of my own assets, and he pays for his $12 haircuts and cheap clothes out of his (because his job doesn't involve meeting the public as mine does. At least that's my excuse.) The mortgage, maintenance, utilities, vacations, etc. etc. all get paid out of the joint account.

I have borrowed money from DH, who is a much better saver than I am, but I've always paid it back. I currently owe him a bit because I had about $10,000 in dental work this year. :( He's the best lender in town, because he doesn't charge interest and there is no deadline for when the loan is due. :)

-Nancy

ETA: I highly recommend our arrangement for older couples without kids or with grown kids, but don't think it necessarily applies at all to younger couples or couples with young kids.
 
My DH and I kind of do both. We have seperate accounts or rather control seperate accounts, but we both have access to all of our accounts. I do have one that only I have access to, and I'm sure he has one as well. Like Amy, DH is the better money manager, so I let him run with the bills, etc. I pay him a certain amount each pay check for the bills, but he makes more money than I do, so he pays the majority of the bills. My money is more for food and play. But I never have to ask him if I can buy something - although he does think I have WAAAYYY too many shoes. I keep telling him that a woman can never have too many shoes, but he does not quite understand.
 
>DH and I have joint accounts. Money goes into the accounts
>that we both have access to, and we are both free to use what
>we need. As I said in the other post on this topic, he
>usually checks with me before making a bigger purchase,
>because he has no idea about the money really, since I manage
>it, and I let him know where we stand on $$ matters. We're
>both adults and trust each other not to run us off into a
>ditch financially.
>
>
>Sparrow
>

This is exactly how we have our finances also. When we first got married we had no money and it did not make sense. Some of our bills are in his name, some in mine. The big things are in both, we each have our own credit cards. We both have excellent credit under our own names, either one of us can qualify for loans as an individual.

This just never has been a big issue for us. I guess we have the same views about spending and saving, and what is important. At times we have disagreed about a purchase, or a refinance, but we sit down talk about it, hear each other's side and then do what we think is best. We have our first child heading to college in the fall, and it is good we handled money conservatively because college, even public, is outragously expensive.
 
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