BelovedHeather
Cathlete
Warning! This is very long and emotional and intensely personal. I had a major breakthrough in my journey this morning that I want to document here. While my experience this morning was more spiritual and emotional in nature, it set me free to continue my physical transformation.
Today is a sad anniversary for me, but I refuse to live in bondage to the past any longer. May usually arrives with a tidal wave of depression that washes over me. This year was no exception. It started with nightmares and sleep disturbances the beginning of this month. The regular posters in the daily check-in and 12-week check-in can testify that I have been on an emotional roller coaster all month. Only those who have access to my personal journal know why. I decided to take a chance and share this here.
I weighed 185 pounds this morning, which is exactly what I weighed a month ago. I have been playing around with the same few pounds all month instead of seeing any lasting change. I pressed on with my rotation as planned, but it was hard to face Cathe after sleeping only a few hours every night. I had an allergic reaction to a soy protein drink that was a serious setback. I also did a lot of comfort eating this month (especially on the weekends when I had more free time). Binge eating is a thing of the past, but emotional eating still rises up from time to time. I got derailed again yesterday. It was not about calories or portion size. That was not the issue this time. It was the fact that I caught myself constantly nibbling on something, and I was not reaching for fruits and veggies either. It dawned on me last night that I was trying to eat through emotional pain and stuff down sad memories that were surfacing again.
I am convinced that the reason my journey is taking so long is because these excess pounds on my body represent far more than stored energy. Every pound of excess stored fat that is still clinging to my body symbolizes emotional junk that I stuffed down with food. Until I deal with my stuff, this stubborn fat will remain. I have known all month that it was time to deal with something that has plagued me for 20 years.
My best friend was raped and murdered 20 years ago today when we were both 15 years old. I never really had closure or properly grieved this loss. Mom did not want me to attend Lisa’s memorial service because I would cry and mess up my makeup and have to go back to school looking like that. I was a reflection of her in public, and she wanted me to maintain a certain image and look. I honored her wishes and lived with regrets for 20 years. I did see Lisa’s body prior to the funeral. That is one image I will never forget as she had visibly been through hell on earth. No amount of makeup could cover the bruises and stab wounds, and her broken wrists testified that she had put up quite a fight. If I had to pinpoint the moment in time that my innocence was forever lost, it was Memorial Day in 1986 when I turned on the news and saw Lisa’s body being pulled from a creek. I did not even know that she was missing. My stepfather knew but did not bother to tell me. That was my introduction to evil and my first experience with death (other than my kitten being killed 6 months earlier). I was so loving and trusting before that day. There were only a few people who loved me unconditionally during the first half of my life, and Lisa was one of them as well as Grandma and Grandpa. All of them are in heaven now, and I miss them like crazy.
I decided earlier this month that too many Mays had already been stolen from me. I knew that it was time to reclaim May for glory and allow God to redeem it because 20 years is long enough to live in bondage to grief. I wanted to release this burden to God for good and allow Him to heal my broken heart, but I was not sure how. I am one who needs to act things out in a radical and memorable way. I started praying and soon knew what I needed to do.
I called my friend Kathy and made arrangements for her to meet me at the lake this morning. I went to the Card and Party Factory yesterday afternoon in search of helium balloons. When I saw the big pink cross balloon, my heart skipped a beat. I knew that it was the one. The tears started falling. I had an emotional meltdown in the store and had to walk the aisles to compose myself. I returned to the balloon counter and bought 2 of the pink cross balloons and had them anchored to a tiny pink gift bag with a paper weight in it. I walked down another aisle and found beautiful seashells in the wedding section. I bought a bag of those. I returned home and ate another snack (that I did not need). Then I went back out in search of Whitney Houston’s The Greatest Hits CD. “The Greatest Love of All” was Lisa’s favorite song. I just had to have it. I smiled when I saw the title (“Throw Down”) on the second disc because Kathy and I were planning a dam throw down for this morning. More on that in a minute.
After a restless night, I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and spent some time just sitting in the presence of God and praying and listening to a beloved CD my church family recorded after losing a young mother to cancer. The music on that CD never fails to comfort me in times of grief. I opened the front door and was delighted to see my first ladybugs of the year. I love ladybugs, and seeing one always delights me and reminds me of God’s presence and concern for the little things in life.
After a walk outside, I was ready to tackle the tough stuff. I pulled out a keepsake box, looked at Lisa’s pictures, and read all the newspaper clippings about her murder. I decided that it was time to let go of the picture of her in a body bag. I am not sure why newspapers publish things like that and even less sure why I have been clinging to it all these years. I stuffed the picture in an envelope then wrote a letter to Lisa because I never had a chance to say goodbye to her. I cried until I could not breathe. My eyes were swollen, and my face was puffy and red. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions I had stuffed down with food for 20 years. Then I wrote a letter to her rapist/murderer forgiving him. Forgiveness does not make what he did right. It makes me free. He took Lisa’s life. I refuse to allow him to control the rest of my life. I gathered the envelope with the picture, the letters, a small notepad, a pen, the seashells, my portable CD player, my CDs, my camera, and the balloons and drove to the lake to meet Kathy shortly after sunrise. Kathy took some pictures of me to mark another new beginning in my journey, and we climbed the hill to the top of the dam and had a memorial service for Lisa there. It was beautiful. We prayed. We cried. We played her song. We listened to praise music. We worshiped. We danced. We laughed. We had church at the lake. Both of us cast seashells into the lake to symbolize hurts, cares, strongholds, and other junk we wanted to release to the Lord for good. I cast down 20 seashells for the 20 years of grieving Lisa’s murder. I also cast down 55 seashells for the 55 extra pounds I am still hauling around. Yes, I bought a lot of seashells! Kathy and I did this for the first time on New Year’s Day this year to leave behind the regrets of the past year and start fresh. We refer to this ceremony as our dam throw down. She is a nut like me! I love her, and I am so grateful that God has provided friends like her to share my journey with me.
I wrote one more letter at the lake to my mother. I sealed the envelope and taped it to one of the balloons. When I was ready, I cut the ribbon on that balloon and released it to the Lord. I decided to save the other balloon as a memorial. Before we left the lake, we danced to “Shackles” (the song Mandisa sang on American Idol her next to last week). I know that Lisa was smiling down on me this morning. I left that place feeling lighter and freer than I have in years.
I bought a new pair of Nike Shox Rhythmic studio trainers and a maximum intensity Champion sports bra yesterday. I am ready to blast off the rest of this fat. Now that the emotional roller coaster of this month is behind me, I can finally focus on my fitness journey again. Yesterday afternoon, I found a petite size 12 pair of capris on sale that I am hoping to wear in a few weeks! I need to get my home ready for company too as a forum member is planning to visit me in June with her grandson!
I started this journey seeking freedom and wholeness, not thinness. It is my desire to live fit and free. My journey has not been a linear one, but all the highs and lows and twists and turns along the way (as well as these little breaks from the physical journey to deal with the emotional stuff) are an important part of the transformation process. Every step in the right direction leads me that much closer to my destination.
I counted the walking and dancing I did at the lake as my morning workout. 10*10*10 is on my rotation for today, but Cathe will have to wait until after my nap! I am emotionally and physically poured out right now. Hopefully, a nap and a hemp protein fruit smoothie will restore my energy.
Blessings,
Heather B.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
Today is a sad anniversary for me, but I refuse to live in bondage to the past any longer. May usually arrives with a tidal wave of depression that washes over me. This year was no exception. It started with nightmares and sleep disturbances the beginning of this month. The regular posters in the daily check-in and 12-week check-in can testify that I have been on an emotional roller coaster all month. Only those who have access to my personal journal know why. I decided to take a chance and share this here.
I weighed 185 pounds this morning, which is exactly what I weighed a month ago. I have been playing around with the same few pounds all month instead of seeing any lasting change. I pressed on with my rotation as planned, but it was hard to face Cathe after sleeping only a few hours every night. I had an allergic reaction to a soy protein drink that was a serious setback. I also did a lot of comfort eating this month (especially on the weekends when I had more free time). Binge eating is a thing of the past, but emotional eating still rises up from time to time. I got derailed again yesterday. It was not about calories or portion size. That was not the issue this time. It was the fact that I caught myself constantly nibbling on something, and I was not reaching for fruits and veggies either. It dawned on me last night that I was trying to eat through emotional pain and stuff down sad memories that were surfacing again.
I am convinced that the reason my journey is taking so long is because these excess pounds on my body represent far more than stored energy. Every pound of excess stored fat that is still clinging to my body symbolizes emotional junk that I stuffed down with food. Until I deal with my stuff, this stubborn fat will remain. I have known all month that it was time to deal with something that has plagued me for 20 years.
My best friend was raped and murdered 20 years ago today when we were both 15 years old. I never really had closure or properly grieved this loss. Mom did not want me to attend Lisa’s memorial service because I would cry and mess up my makeup and have to go back to school looking like that. I was a reflection of her in public, and she wanted me to maintain a certain image and look. I honored her wishes and lived with regrets for 20 years. I did see Lisa’s body prior to the funeral. That is one image I will never forget as she had visibly been through hell on earth. No amount of makeup could cover the bruises and stab wounds, and her broken wrists testified that she had put up quite a fight. If I had to pinpoint the moment in time that my innocence was forever lost, it was Memorial Day in 1986 when I turned on the news and saw Lisa’s body being pulled from a creek. I did not even know that she was missing. My stepfather knew but did not bother to tell me. That was my introduction to evil and my first experience with death (other than my kitten being killed 6 months earlier). I was so loving and trusting before that day. There were only a few people who loved me unconditionally during the first half of my life, and Lisa was one of them as well as Grandma and Grandpa. All of them are in heaven now, and I miss them like crazy.
I decided earlier this month that too many Mays had already been stolen from me. I knew that it was time to reclaim May for glory and allow God to redeem it because 20 years is long enough to live in bondage to grief. I wanted to release this burden to God for good and allow Him to heal my broken heart, but I was not sure how. I am one who needs to act things out in a radical and memorable way. I started praying and soon knew what I needed to do.
I called my friend Kathy and made arrangements for her to meet me at the lake this morning. I went to the Card and Party Factory yesterday afternoon in search of helium balloons. When I saw the big pink cross balloon, my heart skipped a beat. I knew that it was the one. The tears started falling. I had an emotional meltdown in the store and had to walk the aisles to compose myself. I returned to the balloon counter and bought 2 of the pink cross balloons and had them anchored to a tiny pink gift bag with a paper weight in it. I walked down another aisle and found beautiful seashells in the wedding section. I bought a bag of those. I returned home and ate another snack (that I did not need). Then I went back out in search of Whitney Houston’s The Greatest Hits CD. “The Greatest Love of All” was Lisa’s favorite song. I just had to have it. I smiled when I saw the title (“Throw Down”) on the second disc because Kathy and I were planning a dam throw down for this morning. More on that in a minute.
After a restless night, I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and spent some time just sitting in the presence of God and praying and listening to a beloved CD my church family recorded after losing a young mother to cancer. The music on that CD never fails to comfort me in times of grief. I opened the front door and was delighted to see my first ladybugs of the year. I love ladybugs, and seeing one always delights me and reminds me of God’s presence and concern for the little things in life.
After a walk outside, I was ready to tackle the tough stuff. I pulled out a keepsake box, looked at Lisa’s pictures, and read all the newspaper clippings about her murder. I decided that it was time to let go of the picture of her in a body bag. I am not sure why newspapers publish things like that and even less sure why I have been clinging to it all these years. I stuffed the picture in an envelope then wrote a letter to Lisa because I never had a chance to say goodbye to her. I cried until I could not breathe. My eyes were swollen, and my face was puffy and red. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions I had stuffed down with food for 20 years. Then I wrote a letter to her rapist/murderer forgiving him. Forgiveness does not make what he did right. It makes me free. He took Lisa’s life. I refuse to allow him to control the rest of my life. I gathered the envelope with the picture, the letters, a small notepad, a pen, the seashells, my portable CD player, my CDs, my camera, and the balloons and drove to the lake to meet Kathy shortly after sunrise. Kathy took some pictures of me to mark another new beginning in my journey, and we climbed the hill to the top of the dam and had a memorial service for Lisa there. It was beautiful. We prayed. We cried. We played her song. We listened to praise music. We worshiped. We danced. We laughed. We had church at the lake. Both of us cast seashells into the lake to symbolize hurts, cares, strongholds, and other junk we wanted to release to the Lord for good. I cast down 20 seashells for the 20 years of grieving Lisa’s murder. I also cast down 55 seashells for the 55 extra pounds I am still hauling around. Yes, I bought a lot of seashells! Kathy and I did this for the first time on New Year’s Day this year to leave behind the regrets of the past year and start fresh. We refer to this ceremony as our dam throw down. She is a nut like me! I love her, and I am so grateful that God has provided friends like her to share my journey with me.
I wrote one more letter at the lake to my mother. I sealed the envelope and taped it to one of the balloons. When I was ready, I cut the ribbon on that balloon and released it to the Lord. I decided to save the other balloon as a memorial. Before we left the lake, we danced to “Shackles” (the song Mandisa sang on American Idol her next to last week). I know that Lisa was smiling down on me this morning. I left that place feeling lighter and freer than I have in years.
I bought a new pair of Nike Shox Rhythmic studio trainers and a maximum intensity Champion sports bra yesterday. I am ready to blast off the rest of this fat. Now that the emotional roller coaster of this month is behind me, I can finally focus on my fitness journey again. Yesterday afternoon, I found a petite size 12 pair of capris on sale that I am hoping to wear in a few weeks! I need to get my home ready for company too as a forum member is planning to visit me in June with her grandson!
I started this journey seeking freedom and wholeness, not thinness. It is my desire to live fit and free. My journey has not been a linear one, but all the highs and lows and twists and turns along the way (as well as these little breaks from the physical journey to deal with the emotional stuff) are an important part of the transformation process. Every step in the right direction leads me that much closer to my destination.
I counted the walking and dancing I did at the lake as my morning workout. 10*10*10 is on my rotation for today, but Cathe will have to wait until after my nap! I am emotionally and physically poured out right now. Hopefully, a nap and a hemp protein fruit smoothie will restore my energy.
Blessings,
Heather B.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
