Question for parents

nancy324

nancy324

Cathlete
I'm completely naive here. My stepson and step-DIL are about to have their first child. My DH is ready to run to the hospital at the first word, which is fine with me, but I want to be sensitive in regard to intruding on their privacy. My step-DIL lost her mother, who she was very close to, about 5 years ago and her father remarried almost immediately. She's a bit cool towards stepmothers in general, although I have a very warm relationship with my stepson. Will she want the 5 of us (her father, her stepmother and my stepson's 3 "parents") to visit her so quickly? Will we be able to visit the baby in the nursery the first day? How does it all work and what's the most appropriate plan of action for me? Any tips would be helpful. I'm completely new at this.
 
Nancy-when in doubt...ask. Ask them what they want. I know, personally, I didn't want anybody near me for my first delivery, besides DH. But my second......I would have sent out an Open Invitation to stop on in! :)

Seriously, you'd be showing them a HUGE bunch of respect if you asked them upfront.

Gayle
 
Very well put Gayle. I didn't want anyone near me during both my pregnancies with the exception of my husband. Giving birth is very well, . . .bloody and painful. My husband almost hit the floor when he saw the epidural go in.
 
I can't speak for anyone but myself but when I gave birth, my rules were no one even comes to the hospital until we give the green light. That would vary for everyone, but I vividly remembered my former SIL's nurse ushering in whatever family was waiting while my SIL was STILL BEING STITCHED UP FROM HER EPISIOTOMY! She was in no condition to shoo anyone out and my BIL was oblivious to her embarrassment.

I personally think the parents should have a couple of hours alone with their newborn and to give mom some recovery time after the birth. Again, everyone is different and some folks want to show their baby off right away and might be offended if no one was there at the hospital. I don't think there's a universal custom.

Have you asked them what they'd like? Also, babies don't spend as much time in the nursery as they used to. A lot of parents like to keep their baby in the room with them as much as possible. We sure did. HTH and congratulations!
 
Thanks so much ladies! I know I'm the type who doesn't want anyone but my DH around when I'm in pain.

Of course I can ask, but I wonder if they know how they're going to feel if they've never had a baby before? They have a tendency to ignore their own feelings and accommodate everyone else, but maybe we should talk to them now and tell them to PLEASE let us know how they're really feeling when the time comes.
 
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My parents called our house one afternoon near my due date with my first child. No one answered and they assumed, correctly, that I was at the hospital. They drove the two hours to arrive about 8 hours before my son did. Poor DH had to keep them happy, keep me happy and try to keep himself sane. Then there were complications with our son, who spent his first week in an isolette.

I agree, Nancy. The best thing you can do is ask your DIL what she wants/expects from you. And warn her what to expect from Mr Nancycan'twaittoseehisgrandchildpants.
 
buffettgirl said:
My parents called our house one afternoon near my due date with my first child. No one answered and they assumed, correctly, that I was at the hospital. They drove the two hours to arrive about 8 hours before my son did. Poor DH had to keep them happy, keep me happy and try to keep himself sane. Then there were complications with our son, who spent his first week in an isolette.

I agree, Nancy. The best thing you can do is ask your DIL what she wants/expects from you. And warn her what to expect from Mr Nancycan'twaittoseehisgrandchildpants.
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Oh, Robin, that's brilliant. Maybe they just won't let us know until they're ready for guests. That would work very well! And yes, he is Mr. Readysetgotoseethegrandchildpants. ;)
 
If DDIL doesn't know what she wants, can you and DT go to the hospital and just wait outside the delivery room? I don't know if DSS would have a minute to give you guys a call or even how far away you are from the hospital.

Seems like being ready to see all of them just down the hall might appease DT and respect DSS and DDIL?

And never ever EVER go into ANYWHERE someone is being stitched up from her epistiotomy. Please. For the good of womankind, I'd think!!
 
amyg said:
And never ever EVER go into ANYWHERE someone is being stitched up from her epistiotomy. Please. For the good of womankind, I'd think!!
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I know! Jonahnah, I can't believe that happened to your SIL!! ACCCKKKK!! :eek:
 
I would suggest to call the hospital first and go at a decent hour (visiting hours).

I wouldn't have wanted anyone in the middle oft the night, but I was beyond THRILLED to show off my babies to ANYONE the next day!

Just call first!
 
I agree with everyone else...ask now and find out what she wants you to do. I'm sure they've thought about it already. For me personally, everyone was waaaay out of town when my kids were born, so it was not an issue, but I didn't want ANYONE in the delivery room with me except DH. And I wouldn't have wanted visitors until I was up in my room on the maternity floor (and no longer in the labor and delivery room at all.)

As for the nursery, most parents do "rooming in", meaning that that baby stays in the mom's room and is rarely in the nursery except when being examined by the doctor, etc. So if you go see the mom, chances are you will see baby at the same time.
 
jodijodi said:
... but I didn't want ANYONE in the delivery room with me except DH. And I wouldn't have wanted visitors until I was up in my room on the maternity floor (and no longer in the labor and delivery room at all.)
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Delivery room??? :eek: Heavens, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near one of those!! :eek::eek:
 
Our parents were at the hospital for our first child only because she was so early and there were complications. We had initially told them we didn't want them at the hospital until the baby was born. With our second one my in-laws watched our first one. We went to the hospital at 7 pm and she wasn't born until 4 am. We felt there was no need for anyone to be there.

I would definitely ask them. You can go to the hospital later that afternoon and see the baby because I am sure you are excited by his/her arrival and they will understand that.
 
Do you know what their plan for the birth is? I never left my room and neither did the baby the whole time I was there. We were in and out in 24 hrs and everyone waited until we got back home to visit. And truly, until you've done it, I don't think you have a good feel for what you'll want and each birth can be different. How the labor and delivery go can really affect how much Mom is going to want to deal with visitors. Also, if Mom is planning to breastfeed and is having difficulties, visitors can really wreak havoc with her ability to get things smoothed out. A lot of first time Moms are self conscious about nursing and will put it off when people are visiting and that can mess up the whole process. I know that happened to my ex-SIL and she spent weeks correcting the problems that came about, in large part, because she had so many visitors (all her side of the family) that she just didn't have the time alone she needed with the baby to get things off to a good start.
 
You know, its very nice of you to consider everyone elses feelings! Not everyone is like that....especially when there is a new baby coming!:) Thats exciting stuff and no matter what you say, you wouldn't be able to keep most grandparents away.

If she were me (which she isn't) I would be wondering where you were if you didn't come to the hospital that same day. AND considering that this is your husbands son and grandchild, I think the two of you have every right to visit.
Not everyone likes people waiting around in waiting rooms. The night I gave birth my parents were here that day, they left that evening and went home. I called them about an hour later and told them that I was in labor. They must have broken the speed limit cause they were here in no time. I had both sets of parents in the waiting room and DD (not that I can remember:confused:)

But if it makes you feel better, you should get DH to ask your stepson if its o.k to come to the hospital shortly after the baby is born.

Good luck and congrats!
Lori:)
 
Hello,
When I had my first child, my father and stepmother sent the most beautiful flower arrangement that arrived hours after the birth. It made me feel really special, and know that he was thinking of me, even though he was not in the delivery room. BTW, I'm pretty sure the flowers were my stepmother's idea ;). My father is very squeamish and didn't want to be anywhere near the delivery room, (and the feeling is mutual). He waited until everyone was well cleaned up and called the room to see if/when it would be OK to come visit, probably 6 hours after the event. Congratulations, and I hope you have a wonderful experience!
Lisa
 
Thanks so much everyone! In thinking about this more, I've noticed that my DSS and DSDIL have become more outspoken than they used to be. When they first became pregnant, they started a baby website. Along with all of the pics of the sonigrams and the nursery, etc. they listed some "rules" on the website that I was very proud of them for. They said, very politely, that they would not be responding to questions regarding the sex or the name of the baby, and that we would all have to wait to be surprised. So, they are becoming capable of taking a stand. I should probably check back on the website to see if any more "rules" have been published! :)
 
Nance, not a parent here, but if DSS and DSSIL have a baby website, is there a way you can post your question there? The answer might be instructive and helpful for you AND for any others who are pondering the same question - as well as those who don't have your sensitivity and were just planning on doing whatever-the-h without regard to the new parents' inclinations.

I do applaud you too for thinking of this in advance. Far too many friends/family around the new parents don't. My stepbrother's MIL swooped in like a buzzard not just into the hospital during the delivery, but into SB's / SSIL's HOUSE immediately after they came home and tried literally to take over the whole parenting process. SB had to throw her out of the house. Not a pretty sight (just don't mess with my SB, just don't do it!).

A-Jock
 
GMTA. I was just thinking that same thing, A-jock. In reality, DH and I are less likely to overstep our bounds than the other members of our Gang of GPs. ;)
 
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