sorry so long, but I can relate
I don't know what's wrong with me lately...I totally fell hard over a guy and haven't felt this way for a long time. As most know, my cat Jasmin is still missing. When I was hanging out with this guy last week he made a comment when I said I wanted to see Marley and Me. He said "Well, originally it was called Jasmin and me but the cat ran away so they got a dog to play the part instead and called it Marley and Me". He kept running with the joke. I took offense to this comment and told him I thought it was insensitive considering all that he knew I was trying to do to get her back. He then went into the fact that it was just a "joke" and although he liked cats, its just a cat. I got angry more and then told him of which he apologized after the fact. But, the next day I was still angry over it and mentioned it again when he felt I was being aloof over email. He said it was "just a joke" and apparently I was sensitive to it and apologized. Finally I just dropped it and moved on. Now this guy has been slowly contacting me less, never asked to see me this past weekend and I feel heartbroken. I am going to say something this evening because we have a huge function to attend together with my friends this Saturday and I want to know prior if this just isn't going to work. I feel like I can't believe I've allowed a guy to make me feel so poorly everyday lately and I cry over this and I'm so disappointed over this whole situation. Someone please knock some sense into me, but be kind because I'm already feeling low. I can't believe I fell for a guy so hard like this. Where has all my confidence gone?
Hi,
I posted before when you were concerned over the lack of calling. I am sorry your cat has gone missing. I have a dog and I would be very upset if he ran away too. I hope Jasmin comes back soon.
It is ok that you fell for him. You liked him and that is what happens. However, I think he is showing you some parts of himself that conflict with your comfort zone. I call this a boundary violation. Regardless of your reaction to whatever he said, you have a right to your feelings and he needs to respect that. Based on this post and the last post about the phone calls, I get the impression that this guy does not have that much concern or respect for your time. I don't believe in overreactions per se. Your feelings, although intense, are just as valid as anyone elses. The trick is communicating them in an effective way to the other person. It is hard to do in the heat of the moment when most people tend to be reactionary instead of intentional in their communication.
A good response to this boundary violation is "hey, I know you are trying to make me feel better by making a joke and I appreciate that, but I am really upset right now and it would be great of you could [fill in here what he could do to make you feel better]. I think he was trying to lighten the mood. Men like to feel as though they are good providers. They like to feel strong and one way for them to feel strong is to look out for the woman. I know that is neanderthal-ish, but that is just the way they are. They are not sensitive like women so it is up to us to clearly state what it is we want and how they can give it to us. They cannot read minds or feelings. You have been seeing him for one month so he really has no clue on the inner workings and nuances of you, but it sounds like he might want to find out. He just needs your help and you need to communicate it to him. I think that will also help you get some confidence back since it clearly states boundaries as well. If he cannot step up to the plate, then move on otherwise you wil waste your time.
This takes practice. I have been working on this for myself as well and I feel so much better about myself since I have been putting intentional communication into practice.
I would contact him and apologise. It would open the door for some dialogue and you can learn somethings about him: for instance, can he handle these kind of conversations in the future? Can he have an "us talk"? Is he comfortable with talking to you about issues? (There will be more issues as you guys get to know each other.)That us talk is the only way you are ever going to know where you stand too.
I would say "Hey, I am sorry for my reaction to your joke. I know you were not trying to hurt my feelings. That being said, I am sensitive to the fact that Jasmin is missing and I am worried about it. However, I just wanted to apologise for my reaction. I have had a few things on my mind and perhaps it is a good time for me to get them out. I need to know where I stand with you as far as dating." Or whatever you need to know about the situation you are in at the moment.
That should open up some dialogue. I think the bigger issue here is that you really like this guy and you don't know how he feels. Unless you ask him, you are going to drive yourself nuts. If you have that conversation with him, you will gain confidence. Even if you don't get the answer you want, which is always a risk, you will have challenged yourself to ask. At least you will know and be able to move forward with him or move on with your life.
Good luck and keep me posted!
