Ok I'm in a tuff spot here ...Help

M

merrybaker

Cathlete
So everyone I need advice ... To make the very long story short.I will do my best here . So here goes . My "X " Got served today for back Child Support . 15 Grand in the whole .... He was a big liar while we married . I could go on and on . He's been a drug addict / about 5 years or so .Now he claims hes working a "program ". I'm not sure he could be lying . Still NO Support ! ....Ok He tried to kill himself last fall . He called my house I answered the phone talked him onto calling 911 ... He was hospitalized for about 9 days ..He called me to tell me the state want him in court on May 9th . They are asking the judge for 90 days in jail ! Taking Away all license..Well he want ME to ask judge for a break !!!! I'm torn huge here . I feel this is between him and the State ... I feel FINALLY the state is doing their job . Help Thanks
 
My opinion...don't ask the judge to give him a break. He needs to contribute the the well-being of his children. You have probably been struggling for years, and does he have empathy for you? Probably not. He's selfish and don't let him get away with it.
 
This is a no brainer, and I agree with Donna. He has to suffer the consequences of his actions, or in this instance lack of. Let the state do their job and stay out of it. It sounds like he used to relying on you, and he will not stop being a deadbeat dad if you bail him out. You owe him absolutely nothing, least of all help. He has to pay for not helping support a child he brought into this world.
 
I remember your story Mary. Although I know it's hard, I also agree with Donna. Your ex has to pay the consequences of his actions and learn from his mistakes. People like him are usually selfish and they make you believe you are the only one that can help them. I can't imagine all the times you worried about what stunt he was going to pull again when you have your own life too. He needs help and if in all these years you've known him he hasn't gotten any, maybe with State intervention he will be ordered to do so.
 
Mary,

I'm with the others on this one. It's going to be difficult, but you shouldn;t give him any leniency! First, the kiddies are most important here, and you are going to be farther away from getting the back support if you prolong the court date. Second, it's not good for him. If you "go easy on him" he'll continue to think he can do whatever he wants without consequences.
 
Oh Mary, I understand how you feel. I am a social worker and have seen this kind of predicament all to often. The term "tough love" always comes to mind in this situation, though I know love is not a good word to use in this instance - but you know what I mean. I think the State is doing exactly what they need to do to get him in gear. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, plain and simple. Sounds like he's had enough breaks. Stay strong and let me know if you need someone to talk to!

Debbie
 
That is a tough position. I understand that he hasn't paid, but I think that the judge's putting him on the spot and assesssing his ability to pay is much more valuable than throwing him in the clank. It's not as if he will earn money to pay you from there (or will he in your state?)! Sometimes judges throw a non-paying party in jail, thinking that a family member might come to their rescue and make the payment so he can leave the cell. $15,000 is not a number that most family members can pull out of their pocket and give to another though. Then again, after 90 days perhaps he will be more motivated to work hard and pay to avoid a stay #2 in the jail.

Unfortunately, you may not have a say in what happens at this point anyway. Child Support is not created for the custodial parent. It is created for the child. In many courts, the judge will not allow a waiver of child support by the custodial parent and will order child support regardless of what the parties want. I heard a judge say the other day "I am ordering support (to dad) and you do what you want with it (to mom)," which was his hint that if she really didn't want it, that she could give it back to him but that he was ordering it to do the right thing by the child. It is all the "good of the child" and there is no judge in the world that wants to be on the front page of a newspaper saying that he didn't enforce a 15K order, no matter what your input. I would bet that no matter what you say, that judge is going to do something at this point. In fact, he may not even want your input. Then again, in your state, it might be different and they might grant him some leeway.

Whatever the case, hopefully he can get better and get your some money!

Good luck!
Christine :)
 
Thank you ladies for your input ,I have already decided not to say anything,.. Of course ! That would be like saying the well being of my children doesn't matter .I'm going to scan my phone calls .So I dont have to talk to him .He's a scary guy !!! And I will once again have to watch my back . Darn it .... Why why why did I marry him to begin with ????.... Very abusive person .So Glad I have my Akita !!!(attack dog ) Anyhow will keep you all informed .Thanks for your support . I just needed some back up here ...Hugs to all of you .
 
That would be like saying the well being of my children doesn't matter

Mary, don't feel that way. Obviously you are worried for the well being of your children, but when someone puts you in a position like this, it is best to sit back and let the system do its job. That way, he will never have anything to hold against you b/c you didn't do it, the court did. He will hold it against you that you said nothing to help him but you can always ask to be out of the courtroom or speak to an advocate about it so that maybe you can take some steps to be sheltered a bit. Let them know your concerns and hopefully they can help you alleviate them.

Again, Good luck!
 
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