OK I need some relationship help from you wise ladies

LauraMax

LauraMax

Cathlete
I'm usually a little shy about posting my personal stuff (other than commiserating over our poor old pets), but I'm just at my wits' end & I need advice.

Last spring I went through a really ugly breakup w/a guy who was cheating. It's taking an incredibly long time to recover. In fact, I haven't recovered but I finally got up the nerve to go on a first date w/someone last night.

So, everything went really well. He's a good looking guy, very nice, very attentive, we had a lot in common, & he's definitely BF material. I met him at 5 for a happy hour glass of wine which eventually turned into dinner & I got home around 10.

So what do I do when I get home? I break down & cry b/c I realize I'm still in love w/a guy who lied, cheated & treated me like a second rate wh*re. WTH is wrong with me? How can I still be missing someone who treated me so badly? It's like my heart got broken & it just hasn't been fixed. And what do I do w/a guy who could potentially be really good for me, but who I'm afraid I'll hurt b/c I'm just not available emotionally?

At this point I'm thinking maybe I just need to give up on relationships & appreciate the rest of my life, which is full with work, family, friends, pets, exercise & bad TV.

Can anyone help me?
 
{{{{Laura}}}}

I don't have much advice, but wanted to offer some support.

Maybe the dinner and date scenario just brought back some memories of some of the good times you and the ex had together? And maybe the cry will help get that out of your system.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, I think it's normal to miss anyone we have spent a lot of time with, even if they treated us badly at the end.
 
RE: OK I need some relationship help from you wise ladi...

(((Laura))) I don't think you need to "give up." Its been a while but not a terribly long time since you were hurt. And the hurt you sustained is a bad one. Cheating is so violating.

Its obvious from some of the things you've posted that you were very hurt. In reading some of your posts I, not knowing that you went through a bad break up, have wondered why you hate men so much. I can't pin point one right now but now it makes sense to me. People (not just men because there are women, too) can be so HURTFUL.

From the little that you have posted, it sounds like you had a good time (why else would a cocktail turned into dinner?). Don't be in such a hurry to rush into another relationship. Develop a friendship. Take your time.
 
Laura, I've so been there. Don't beat yourself up. Your heart feels what it feels. Take your time. Date nice men just for fun, not for relationship material. Work on yourself. You'll find your way back to center, probably when you least expect it.

HTH!

Sparrow



My garden is filled with papayas and mangos
My life is a mixture of reggaes and tangos
Taste for the good life, I can live it no other way
- Jimmy Buffett
 
Laura,
I don't have much time this morning, but I just want to say quickly that IMHO, life is not like the movies and TV, where people go from one relationship to another. I was with a guy for 4 years, and after I broke up with him, it took me SEVEN YEARS to take another relationship seriously, and if you ask me today, I would say that I'm still not sure I ever really got over my broken heart!

Please be gentle with yourself and be patient with the healing process.
Nancy
 
Laura, it may be that you just haven't fully grieved the loss of the guy, and something about the way the situation ended has probably really affected who you are. (I mean, of course it has; he treated you really badly.) I know I am always saying this, but have you thought about talking to a therapist? A good one can help you make sense of your feelings and also give you a forum to talk about what happened. And please don't assume you aren't emotionally available; it may just be that you aren't all the way through the grieving process. I met my SO about 9 months after ending a post-marital, horrible, intense relationship that was very similar to your situation. When I met him, I felt similarly and was sure there was no way I was ever going to get involved. 4.5 years later.... :)

So there is hope, and it's good that you recognize that you need to do some work.

Good luck and hang in there,
Marie
 
RE: OK I need some relationship help from you wise ladi...

Laura,

Just take your time, like the above poster mentioned. Clear your mind and just enjoy your life. Whatever happens..happens, and it happens for a reason. Don't dwell on the past and let it eat away at your soul. Relax and take it one day at a time.

Charlotte~~
 
RE: OK I need some relationship help from you wise ladi...

Lauramax,

I am no expert on relationships....but who is???? I read your post and want to respond. You are treading on familiar ground (dating), that you had been avoiding and your previous relationship/feelings were most likely brought to the surface. I would not panic and think this is a sign you are not ready. Why do you still have feelings for the previous guy?....because you do and that is completely normal, and you must let yourself cry and continue the process to get over him. He does NOT deserve you!

You may not be ready emotionally, but by going on the 1st date with this new guy, you certainly seemed ready, otherwise you would have said a flat no! Who says you can't just enjoy his company? There's nothing stating that you have to be a couple right away. Companionship is great! Focus on your positives and what you have to offer. See what he has to offer, and don't settle. I am sure it must be scary to put yourself out there again, and kudos to you for doing it.

What a healthy place to be to say you do not "need" a relationship. But we all crave relationship, even if it is platonic. Remember, you were in a bad relationship, probably haven't totally gotten over it, and maybe never will. We take a "piece" of everyone with us ( good and bad) Perhaps this is a part of the process of getting over your previous relationship. Cry when you need to but enjoy your life! Be honest with the new guy about your "feelings". It's up to him to decide if he will get hurt, not you. He may think you're worth the risk, and may not (having nothing to do with you!!). Just be honest. Trust will come. And maybe a relationship. Take your time, and listen to the signals (don't ignore them like we all ususally do!)

Best of luck!
 
Laura,

<<Laura, it may be that you just haven't fully grieved the loss of the guy, and something about the way the situation ended has probably really affected who you are.>>

i totally agree with this assessment. i went through a very painful breakup, and it took me 6 years to get over it because i did not allow myself to go through the entire mourning process afterwards. i just shut down emotionally to protect myself. a therapist is also not a bad idea....talking things through with an unbiased person can really help you see things clearly. i had to stop going out and just sit and allow myself to feel the pain of what had happened, and deal with it. when i came out of those shadows, i felt like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders. i wasted so much of my time being emotionally dead that could have been avoided. your breakup is much more fresh, and it really does take time to get over that pain (not that it shoudl take 6 years...i am just very stubborn).

i also agree that dating can be great too, but like charlotte said, just let happen what happens and go with the flow. no expectations. be kind to yourself here and dont feel bad about what feelings come to the surface. they are going to until they have all spent themselves and been released. until then, enjoy the male species...they are not all bad...some are even pretty awesome...
 
RE: OK I need some relationship help from you wise ladi...

Marie, I did try counseling. It seemed to make things worse. It was like picking at a scab.

Johnswife, I don't understand this implication that I hate men. I don't hate men. I make fun of them, it doesn't mean I hate them. I have many guy friends, I'm just hesitant to trust them when it comes to romance.

I think I accepted the date b/c I'm trying to force myself to get back in the game, so to speak. But I also think I never really allowed myself to grieve. I just tried to bury all those ugly feelings b/c I couldn't handle them. And I still think I can't. I'm just not sure what to do other than just give up & enjoy the other aspects of my life to the fullest.
 
Laura,

I think that you took a step in the right direction. Perhaps going on this date and enjoying this other man's company made you inadvertently realize that the one who cheated on you is gone and can't ever come back. Maybe the breakdown when you got home was a release of some of the anger, love, hurt, etc. that had been bottled up inside. Just because you miss this other man, doesn't mean that you can't move forward. Breakdowns are a normal part of the grieving process and indicate healing is occurring. I would pat yourself on the back for taking this first step and continue to move forward slowly. You deserve to have a man in your life that will treat you well!
 
Thank you all--you made me feel better, like I knew you would. I do plan on seeing this guy again, if only to give both him & myself a chance. What's the worst that could happen, right? (OK the worst thing would be me having a breakdown in the middle of a dinner but let's just assume that won't happen).
 
Oh god Laura, do you remember my first date post break up? Here you are having turmoil and I am laughing - but I bet you are right now too after I brought that up! I was a wreck, made everyone give me advice, didn't know what to do about anything, was so confused. And that was only BEFOREHAND.

Even though you've dated before, this is a new experience, given the recent breakup. It may put you in a situation where you grieve again, but I think that will be temporary. I remember having a huge setback when the first guy that I really liked didn't show as much interested as I had hoped. It's only natural.

So, my advice is to hang in there, see this guy again and take a deep breath. It will get better and you won't feel that way forever.

Have fun!
 
Hi Laura,

Lots of good advice was given here and I also agree that sometimes talk therapy just doesn't work. Personally I believe that therapy works so far before the best healing which can happen when you are in the new relationship. So my advice is to try to relax, continue dating this guy if you like him, try not to think about a relationship and see where it all goes. I was in an extemely emotionally and verbally abusive relationship years ago...almost 10 years ago and it still creeps up on me with trust issues when I'm dating. All I can say is we do the best we can. I analyze the heck out of every guy I date and sometimes have to deal with the fear that the guy will hurt me in a similar way. If you feel you need to cry then cry. This forum is good therapy too.
 
RE: OK I need some relationship help from you wise ladi...

>Johnswife, I don't understand this implication that I hate
>men. I don't hate men. I make fun of them, it doesn't mean I
>hate them. I have many guy friends, I'm just hesitant to
>trust them when it comes to romance.

I'm sorry I didn't articulate well what I was (am?) trying to say. Let me see if I can explain without digging myself deeper into the hole I already dug...and I am probably still not getting it right but here goes anyway...

I didn't know that you'be had a terrible heart break because you had not posted about this before (or I had missed it) but I now understand why. And I certainly wasn't going to ask you why because I didn't want to offend (which I may have done now). Being brought into "the light" of what is going on, I completely understand your lack of trust when it comes to romance or relationships.

I was (am) not trying to criticize you, I was trying to offer support (did poorly at it). I hope I am making sense & I'm very sorry to have offended you that was not my intention at all.

I've read this a couple of times & tried to make sure I'm clear but I'm still not so sure but I am sure about this...I didn't mean to offend you & I'm very sorry.
 
RE: OK I need some relationship help from you wise ladi...

Hey Laura!:) I can't guess what it is about your ex but I've had similar issues of letting go and wishing that a past relationship had ended a bit more neat and tidy for lack of a better phrase. There were always bright sparks and potential between us amid the BS and insecurity and I hung on too long to see if I could figure out where the potential may have lead. Turned out it was just a long road to a dead end. Fast forward too many years later and I've just started dating again. Being a woman of a certain age (44) has changed everything for me with regard to what I want in a man or from a man for that matter, I don't really know what I'm 'emotinally available' for either and I thank you for your honesty! I don't know if there's any comfort in knowing that someone else is struggling with similar questions and mixed emotions about how dating/relationships progress and fit into our already full lives. Laura, my heart has been broken too many times and in too many different ways to tell so I know this absolutely they are never 'fixed', broken hearts don't heal, they bear the scar tissue of love lost and become more resilient and able to love more fully if we are brave enough to keep it open to all of the possibilities that are out there for us.

Take Care
Laurie
 
Lauramax.

Life can be so difficult at times thats for sure. Sounds like you are not ready for another relationship. Try throwing out the old before letting new stuff in.

Once you've done that, then you can begin to treat yourself the way you've always wanted to be treated. Oh, lets say, with decency, goodness and respect. Only then will you be able to see a good thing and not let it go. In return that person will treat you the way you treat yourself. (decency, goodness and respect)

It's OK to be single. There is nothing at all wrong with that. Just have fun at this point, and don't worry about getting into a relationship.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
 
Sometimes I think, for me anyway, past relationships have been hard to get over because I put so much...hope, I guess, for what I WANTED the relationship to be. I've also been in some relationships where I've been cheated on, disrespected, etc. and that really isn't something I ever saw myself dealing with. I may tend to be shy, but I always thought myself too strong-willed to ever put up with stuff like that. Not ME!!!

And then it's always hard to get over. I don't think it's so much the person I was trying to get over, but like I said, maybe just my "idea" of what I was wanting, but never got.

Anyway, good luck with this new guy. Glad you're gonna go out with him again and just see what happens. I think that's the best thing you could do.
Brandi
 
RE: OK I need some relationship help from you wise ladi...

>Marie, I did try counseling. It seemed to make things worse.
> It was like picking at a scab. .... But I also think I never
>really allowed myself to grieve. I just tried to bury all
>those ugly feelings b/c I couldn't handle them. And I still
>think I can't. I'm just not sure what to do other than just
>give up & enjoy the other aspects of my life to the fullest.

Hi LauraMax, a couple of thoughts ...

On this forum, you have usually struck me as being a very strong woman. Right now, you are hurting in the rlnshp dept. -- that's obvious. And not dealing with your feelings is a way to prolong the agony and prevent you from moving ahead in a healthier rlnshp. You can see I took a couple of quotes from your previous post ... a couple of things to consider ....

Therapy can be painful at first because it does require you to deal with the issue at hand ... so of course you felt worse initially ... you were "picking" at the sore (broken heart) and you weren't yet ready to face the pain and what's underneath the pain, so you quit. Unfortunatley your "cover up" is being exposed in your dating situation. I'd suggest that you continue to "enjoy the other aspects of your life" AND give counseling another go so you can "handle" the emotions with the guidance of a counselor. You are a strong woman ... you can do this ... you just might need some guidance ... sort of like what Cathe does for us with our workouts -- we can workout on our own, but it helps to have an expert lead the way. Best wishes, Deb
 
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