obese friend... feeling frustrated...

delfin

delfin

Cathlete
My DH and I are going out to dinner tonight w/a friend who is very obese. She's also getting to be a women of a certain age, as they say, and has had some persistent knee problems. Well, in the past, we could never take our SUV when we picked her up because she literally couldn't get in the car... so we had to take the VW. Now she's gotten one of those elevator-type contraptions that attach to the stairwell and take you up and down the stairs. Here's my issue. As I've gotten more and more into fitness, I'm becoming more and more frustrated with my friend. I want to scream... take the stairs! Burn some calories! Lose that weight cuz it's going to kill you! (BTW my half-sister, who was also morbidly obese, died at age 50 from heart failure, which I'm convinced was brought on by the excess weight). I'm biting my tongue cuz I don't want to hurt her feelings... but I don't want to see her become ill, and maybe worse, because of her obesity. Do I have any choice but to keep my mouth shut???? Thanks for any advice, catheites!!:)
 
IMO you could say something if you put it the "right" way and if you feel you are close enough to this person to go there.

I have no idea how to go about it though...I'm not good at that! I just wanted to say I'm 100% behind the possibility of talking to her....I think you are a good friend for caring enough to even bring this up!:)
 
As a highschool nurse I deal with this problem often. Girls weighing in excess of 250lbs constantly coming in complaining of knee and joint pain. I decided in order to help them I had to be blunt with them and tell that their joints were carrying the load of almost two people and explain all the other problems associated with obesity such as diabetes and heart disease. I told them I was only bringing up the weight issue because I cared about them and would be willing to help them make small changes that could reap big benefits. At first I use to give them all kinds of information about needing 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week and cutting back on certain foods it never worked. I decided I would try to get them to start out in really small steps such as a daily walk around the block, eliminating sweets/junk food to a few times a week. Each week it would be alittle more like walking around the block twice and eliminating sweets/junk food to only two days a week. By the time they started noticing changes such as the walks getting easier or losing weight they were ready for a bigger commitment to healthier living. I think if you let her know you are only mentioning it because you care and that you would love to help she may listen. At least you will know you tried. Good Luck:)
 
I wouldn't say anything. Your friend knows she is obese and I'm sure that she's reminded of that fact many times each day as a result of the limitations the extra weight causes. My opinion is that she would be hurt or feel ashamed if you said anything to her. She knows how to lose weight, but obviously can't take the steps needed to do that for some reason.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It's hard to watch someone you care about hurt themselves.

Erica
 
It would be nice if you could say something but only of course, if you go about it the right way.

Does she ever complain about her situation? If she does, then that would be a good time for you to chime in.
If you ever do mention it, I would suggest saying something like "well, if you would like for me to go for a walk with you, I would love to" Or "if you would like for me to go to WW with you for you to sign up,just let me know when".Just something along those lines.Sometimes its easier to lose weight (or do alot of things) if you feel like you are not alone and maybe once she gets started she will keep going.
But like I said, you have to wait for the opportunity to arise and then go from there.I don't think I would bring it up myself.

Lori:)
 
I know it is not a great thing to do, but maybe she is a candidate for a gastric bypass.
It is a tough topic.
Have you ever tried saying like ****** i love ya and we together need to help you to take some of this weight off because I need you to be here for a long time.
Start her out on a walk in the morn or eve. Maybe give her some good recipies.
Let her know no matter what she weighs you still care for her, but you are afraid of loosing her to it.
I have a cust that had it done .
She was 280 and in and out of the hospital with heart problems at 49.
She had the surgery, works out almost everyday. She is down to 130 and off all heart meds. She looks and feels great.
She is a creative cooker,since she has a hard time tolerating breads and pastas.
She makes deserts with fat free cream cheese,splenda,sugar free cool whip and berries. They are good.
In this last 1 1/2 yrs she has learned how to eat healthy.
Before was fries and pizza.
If she is a good friend she may get upset, but then she will come around.
I feel for you.
Good luck.
Anne

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=999&gid=8227804&uid=3969941
 
Of course you have a choice as does your friend, life is all about choices. Her choice to put an elevator in her home sounds like utter resignation, it's so sad.
I agree with Lori that if she is lamenting about her circumstance you have an opportunity to gently let her know that you care deeply about her well being and are afraid for her long term health. She needs to understand that she has not lost all of her power to food, fat and physical limitations, the power to change things is within her if she makes that choice for herself. Be prepared for any possible reaction, if she doesn't want to pursue the subject I wouldn't force it.
I know that this may sound terrible but I would have great difficulty enjoying a meal with such a heavy person. I would be trying to think of ways to spend time together that weren't centred on food. I apologise if that's offensive but it is honestly how I feel.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
Next time she complains about her knee you could just say something like. "You could try taking glucosomine and maybe doing some leg strengthening exercises". Try to bring yourself closer to her level - not that you are obese - but that a healthy lifestyle is something you are working for as well - let her know your struggles and successes! If she opens up enough maybe you could share your concern of what happend to your half sister happening to her. Good luck - I know it will be difficult.

jooge
 
As a former obese woman for more than half of my life,,,I can give you some advice,,,, I didnt care if even my family adviced me to loose weight, I felt annoyed when they gave me advice,,, Norma,,, drop some pounds,,, for your health, for your kids,,, for your future,,, to me that sounded like bla bla bla, leave me alone, was my response.
I decided to loose weight, I took that desicion,,, I decided to take care of myself,,, I was the one who cared when the time came... BUT... to get to that decision and to that point,,, I dealt with my emotions, I went to therapy I was in terrible pain and depresion,,, one of the simptoms of depresion is not caring for yourself,,,, and finally when I dealt with what was bothering me, who is a long story I dont want to talk about for luck of space and time,,, I was realesed, and ready to live my life in a good way,,, and I went for taking care of myself, priority number one.
Now I have a brother who is obese and he is eating his depresion and fustration,,, he has being in so many diets,,,, but none of them worked,,, why????? because he is depressed, and a diet wont help him to deal with pain,,,, I just tell him now: I suggest you to go to a professional and take care of your emotions, go and do some sessions, I dont even mention his weight and a diet,,, because that is not the problem,,, the problem is his depression, and what is his response??? uhhhhh, I will try... uhhhh, no thanks, not now... So what can I do for him? my dear brother who I love?,,, : Nothing, he is not helping himself, phisically and emotionally,,, unfortunally.
it worries me.,,, but maybe your friend decides to take care of her emotions so.... suggest her the posibility of a professional.
I hope you get my point and I really wish you good luck with your friend, I know you care.

Norma

http://www.geocities.com/norma123nyc/Mygreatjourney.html

http://www.lifetimetv.com/reallife/df/success/chavez.html
 
What a difficult decision. Everyone has given great options how to handle it. I would have to say I would suggest doing some sort of get together in a park and ask her if she would be up to walking or biking. My MIL is very overweight she started to lose it then she found out she had cancer she underwent chemo she is doing great, however, due to steroids and meds she has gained it all back. She is very depressd she went through a divorce out of know where about 5 years ago after living a very good lifestyle she has no ambition and no job SS denied her she is trying for welfare in the meantime it is terrible that she will not get some sort of education for a career it is awful. When I see her I do discuss my exercise plan and eating she is very good at listening and she does ask questions. For the most part overweight people may not have any idea where to start because of so much out there available. Most may feel intimidated with cathe because of the weightlifting. I feel though that people do not want the help unless they ask & DEPRESSION is a huge factor until they get it under control. Does she seem depressed? How does she eat when you go out does she eat small or large portions? Has she seen a doctor for Thyroid. Maybe there are some success stories you could share with her right from this site maybe you could help her with her fitness journey. I am sure you have shared Cathe with her how does she react to your fitness change? Weight is a very difficult topic with women but bottom line if you are friends you should be able to go there with her. Maybe just start off with saying "hear me out before saying anything.

Good Luck

beth6395
 
Thanks all. We took our new SUV to get her last nite cuz the VW has been acting up. Well, of course, she couldn't get in it, and I kinda felt angry cuz it looked like she wouldn't even try. So we end up taking her car, which she literally just falls into. I like the idea of instead of meeting for dinner... meeting for a nice walk. I live near the beach, and there's a very nice park there. I'm thinking maybe we could do that on a regular basis. I can't help but wonder what her Dr says to her. Thanks, again, for all your input!:)
 
I wouldn't say anything. She will get help when she wants it.

I have a much younger SIL (she is 10 years younger than I am) who for many years commented to the family about my "overly healthy" eating (what is too healthy???) and exercising (I only work out 45 minutes to one hour five or six days a week). In the last four years she has become quite large and walks with a cane. She has a physical disability now and I'm not sure how much is caused by her weight. She still comments about my healthy eating and tells me I should live a little when we go out to eat..saying, "I couldn't live like that." Heck, walking with a cane and being so overweight that you can barely walk is not living to me. I don't feel the need to say anything....I think my health and her lack of it speaks for itself.

In other words, you just can't explain or help someone who doesn't have the mindset. They are truly incapable of understanding. If they ask for help then they are obviously beginning to see the light and help them in every way possible:)

Just my thoughts,
Robin:)
 
A different opinion:
Maybe she needs a wake-up call, the way that drug addicts sometimes need an intervention to start to take action.

Some posters say that 'she knows what to do to lose weight," but I'm not sure she does (there is so much misinformation, and so many 'quick fixes' that don't work in the long run), or even that she realizes, consciously, that the weight is contributing to her pain.

People can be in denial for a long time until someone tells them to wake up and smell the coffee.

Just my opinion.

(Though I do think you should be prepared for some hard times between the two of you if you broach the subject. Someone who is in denial doesn't want what they are denying brought out in to the open.)
 
I have always thought that extreme obesity is different than being overweight and consider it to be on the other end of the eating disorder spectrum from anorexia nervosa. As Norma pointed out, you cannot convince an extremely obese person to change anymore than you can convince an anorectic person to eat. Your friend likely has deep seated emotional issues that manifest themselves in over eating.
 
This is a really tough one but I tend to agree with Elaine and Robin. People see life through different eyes. Hopefully, your friend will choose to make changes in her lifestyle before it's too late.
 
Delfin...I have a friend/relative in the same situation. She is a lovely person, and a very interesting person...and she's morbidly obese. We never talk about her weight...it is literally like a big white elephant being in the same room that we all ignore. She cannot sit on regular size furniture...she is too big to either fit on a chair or can't get up out of it. When she comes to our house, she sits on the bench that goes to our kitchen table...and we all just ignore that.

A few years ago she was having some serious back issues and I was very surprised that her own doctor was not recommending that she lose weight. This was an opportune time for her doctor to talk to her about exercise and diet but she said he never brought it up...she was even surprised by that.

My advice to you is this...if you are comfortable with discussing this with your friend, then certainly do so...but when it is just the two of you. Don't embarass her by bringing it up in front of other people. Obviously she knows she's big, but do discuss this privately. Perhaps if you offer to walk with her everyday that might give her the motivation to start. And like was mentioned before...she will only be able to walk a short distance in the beginning but just getting her moving is a positive step forward.

My obese friend is a relative of my H's and I am not comfortable at all talking to her about her weight issue. And apparantly none of her own family are either because everyone just tries to treat her as a normal sized person and we all just quietly and without fuss bring out the heavy duty furniture for her to sit on. She travels alot, by air, and I truly wonder how she fits in airline seats.

She is also a mother of two young kids so I do wish her own family would make an effort to help her for the kids sake.

Goodluck to you.
 
luv40's...I think it is wonderful that you are talking to these girls/boys about their weight and their long term health. It's no secret that today's kids are less active and live on more junk food than previous generation's. My kids have all had obese kids in their classes starting from kindergarten and how sad is that to be 5 years old and weighing over 90 pounds. Those kids can't even play with the other kids so they're outcast from the get-go.
 
>As a former obese woman for more than half of my life,,,I can
>give you some advice,,,, I didnt care if even my family
>adviced me to loose weight, I felt annoyed when they gave me
>advice,,, Norma,,, drop some pounds,,, for your health, for
>your kids,,, for your future,,, to me that sounded like bla
>bla bla, leave me alone, was my response.


I have to agree here...I was 80 pounds overweight. Time and time again, my parents and family members tried to "talk to me" about it. Every time, I would either 1) forget it the second that they walked away 2) eat more or 3)diet like a crazy lady for 2 weeks and then go back to my bad way of life. It wasn't until I was ready that I did something about it. I had no specific reason and honestly, there was no motivator. One day, I got up off the couch (literally) and attempted a step tape.

That said, I think that there are different levels of "taling to someone" about their weight. I wouldn't try to school her on the obvious fact that she is overweight and needs to lose. Instead, perhaps let her know that you know a bit about the diet/exercise regime, you are there to help if she ever wants it and you would be glad to go walking or do something fitness related with her when she makes the decision to try a new approach.

It's hard and there are no right answers. It depends on your relationship with her and her situation. Do what you feel is right in your gut.
 
Hello Delfin,

I have to agree with Kathryn, I would treat this like an addiction also. I know your pain, my sister is obese, and sickly. I love her so much, and I get angry, because it seems she has just given up on the idea of making herself active. I sometimes feel that she would rather sit and watch a movie instead of working out for her health. It is very frustrating to see her in denial. I've expressed to her my hands are tied, because of the lack of knowledge, to help her. Now lets see what she does with that.

My advice though, do whatever it takes to make her understand that she needs to change the way she eats forever. Time is running out. And also love her for who she is. And know you did your part to help a friend or loved one.

Janie

"Whoo Hoo"
-Cathe Friedrich-
 
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