O/T: Stepmother of the groom

nancy324

nancy324

Cathlete
I never knew a wedding could be so complicated. I feel sorry for my stepson and his fiance. She lost her mother a few years ago and has a brand-new stepmother. My stepson's mother is still alive, but she claims poverty so her parents (my stepson's grandparents) are chipping in. The kids are in their twenties, and the parents and grandparents are paying for the wedding. That's 7 adults, all firmly involved.

To my mind, you give the kids a budget or money, and let them plan the wedding. But when I see all the others having a say in things, I start feeling competitive and want equal time. Then the kids do and say things to hurt my feelings and I start to feel bitter. Then I see them trying to stretch themselves too many ways, and I hate seeing them get stressed out. I hate all the emotions I'm feeling, and I hate the whole thing. I would love to extricate myself from the whole process, but that wouldn't be right either.

True confessions: I had a beautiful, elegant wedding 3 years ago with no discord and no problems whatsoever. These kids are having a shmaltzy Long Island affair that I can't relate to. The food is tasteless, the room has no windows, the wine tastes like juice. It's religious and traditional and kosher. It is the opposite of my taste in every possible way. But I keep my mouth shut, and the people with the bad taste are winning out. Okay, it's true, the kids themselves seem to have shmaltzy taste, although I'm not sure my stepson actually HAS a style yet. I must admit, I'm a little embarassed to invite people I know to this thing, but I guess that's my problem. I am the ultimate snob when it comes to matters of taste, and I really don't want to invite my mother and brothers to this thing. But my stepson loves them, so of course they'll be invited. I feel like the devil incarnate.

I can't post on the wedding websites because I'm scared to death that the kids might see my post. Any words of wisdom from my Cathe pals? Please feel free to put me in my place! I know I deserve it.
 
I got married in 1987 and this post could have been written by my mom. My parents are Catholic in St. Louis. It was very important to them that my wedding was elegant. I just wanted to marry my husband. My husband's family was from a small college town and had never even been to a big elegant wedding. They just wanted to see their son get married. We were also in our early 20s.

After months of quibbling, I let my mother have her way and it may go on record for the most amount of money, time, effort and heartache ever experienced in one day. Even my friends could tell how uncomfortable I was at my own wedding. It was at a fancy club with very expensive food, champagne and a outrageously expensive cake. We couldn't afford to add anything that I wanted to do because the club and food cost my parents an arm and a leg.

I can't even look at the pictures without remembering the arguments and hurt feelings over my parents steamrolling me into a wedding that "wouldn't embarass them". I actually was more embarassed FOR them in the long run. My in laws were also very hurt by some decisions.

I've had 20 years to think about it. I know my parents meant well and thought that they knew better. They didn't. The bottom line is that people got hurt.

I got married again 10 years later - in Vegas. It wasn't the most elegant wedding, but 30 of our friends came - many from my first wedding. All 30 people said that it as the most fun, meaningful wedding that they have ever attended because there was no tension and everything about the wedding was all about us.

It is easy to become competitive with other relatives and try to get your "stamp" on the wedding. Before you become adamant about decisions or getting "equal time", I beg you to stop and think if what you are pushing for (wine, flowers, whatever) is really worth hurting someone in your family. If you are truly embarassed to invite your own family, maybe you could plan a small celebration a few days after the wedding or honeymoon at your house and keep the wedding party smaller.

If you go back and read your post again, imagine reading it as the couple getting married. The kids probably aren't trying to hurt your feelings, they just want to get married and share a very special day with a large family with a lot of opinions.

Just something things to think about and before I get blasted for being this blunt - this post was a question asking for opinions!
Melissa
 
It's okay, Melissa. I understand how you feel. I didn't explain how they hurt my feelings. In short, the bride-to-be casually informed me that they decided to include me in the wedding. I realized then that she didn't understand the close relationship I have with my stepson, and I was so hurt I didn't get out of bed for 2 days. It never would have occurred to me that I would be left out. She was treating me like HER stepmother, and didn't take the time to realize that it's a very different relationship, and it caught me up short and devestated me for a while. There have been a few other thoughtless comments as well.

Believe me when I tell you that my wedding 3 years ago was small, intimate,understated and inexpensive. That is what I mean by simple and elegant. My husband and I chose everything and did it all our own, often untraditional, way. The wedding the kids are planning is expensive and overstated. In my opinion, it is "supersized". It will be garrish, expensive and gaudy. It may be what they want, but it's hard to tell, because the bride's father is very opinionated and wants to impress his clients, and my stepson's grandparents are very vocal with their ideas. My husband and I are the only ones who have said nothing except "do it your way". So you may not have understood my post.

Nonetheless, I really appreciate your opinion. You have a unique perspective which is very helpful. :) I am so sorry your wedding wasn't what you wanted it to be. Thank you for taking the time to post!
 
Oh,sounds like your having fun! My advice would be to go with the flow.Although I know its tough when people hurt your feelings.But the bride normally has the upper hand in "her" wedding.
My wedding was probably alot like yours and it was 3 years ago also.I didn't spend a fortune, I didn't want it to be the wedding everyone would be talking about,I bought my dress in the same town that I live in(which apparently is a big no-no)....you get my pitcure.I then wonder why I hang out with the people I hang out with.Everyone of them has had the most amazing weddings....(to them)everything was perfect.I am surprised that they didn't have someone chasing them around and bloting powder on their noses!:)
But they may not see what you see.Their taste and your taste (which of course, is the right taste)are totally different.You had what you wanted and they will have what they want.Just like me and my friends.I didn't want to take a plane to go fine my wedding dress and neither did you.
The reason I tell you to sit back and relax is this is just for the time being.When the wedding is over, it will be over.And you want to end it with a kiss good night, and it was a lovely day.If you butt in to much you may end up having hurt feelings and I doubt thats what you want.If the soon to be daugther-in-law is saying things to hurt you now, imagine what she could do later,
Sit back and enjoy it, if they ask for advice then give it...other then that just look at the things you like about it.In time she will see that you are not like her stepmom.
Good Luck,
Lori:)
 
Great advice Lori.

Good luck Melissa, I'll be thinking of you. Remember, it will all work out-just hang in there.

Wendy
 
Excellent advice, Lori. Thank you.

I sent the bride-to-be an email yesterday with a list from the knot of ways to remember a deceased parent in your wedding ceremony because I thought it might be helpful to her, and she sent me back a curt response. Obviously even the most well-meaning ideas from me are not going to be welcomed.

They invited us to taste the food at the hall they chose, and when I told them what I liked they seemed completely uninterested. Then the bride-to-be told us at dinner that they didn't really want us to do a tasting, and it was just her father's idea that we should be included.

I had a revelation this morning. I realized that my grouchiness about the wedding is not really about the wedding. It's about my own insecurities. It's about me and my life and feeling unsatisfied in certain ways. I'm going to turn my sights inward, and work on improving myself rather than trying to change the world. I know that sounds kind of pat, but I know that when I'm happy with myself, I'm much better able to roll with the punches. Yes, it would be nice to have a daughter-in-law who appreciates me, but if she doesn't, it's her loss. I'm not going to allow it to take the joy out of my life. I had my wedding and it was everything I wanted it to be. I wish the same for them. If they want my opinions, they'll ask for them. Like Lori said.

Meanwhile, I'll just save my opinions for the Cathe forums, where I'm appreciated! :+
 
Nancy, I think it's really great that you have such a close relationship w/your stepson. And I agree w/Lori--you should just roll w/it & enjoy their happiness. It's kind of sucky that your future daughter in law didn't include you, but maybe you can try not to take it personally since she's no doubt caught up in all the details & probably stressing over finishing everything.

You shouldn't feel bad about your own feelings. You should be able to vent to your friends & family--just not to the happy couple! That way maybe you can get it out of your system & still enjoy the day.
 
Edited to say that only after I posted did I realize this was an old message. Hopefully everything worked out.

Hilarie
 
Wow, I thought this was new, too, since I know Nancy is getting ready for (another) wedding!

Interesting. Nancy, whatever happened at this wedding? Was it as garish as you'd feared? Do you talk to your step-daughter-in-law at all now? Do you have a good relationship? I'm sorry if those are nosey questions; I am not just curious. I am going to be marrying my SO later this year and he has an 18-year-old son whose mother passed away about 10 years ago. We have not always had the best of relationships and I wonder how things will turn out when he does settle down with someone. I already see him picking girls that are on the controlling side, so.... I guess I'm scared! :)

Thanks for your insight.

Marie
 
Oh, Marie. I was hoping that this would just go away. Actually, the wedding is exactly 11 days away. This is the same one I've been getting ready for like crazy.

I'm a bit ashamed of this old post. The kids are doing what they want, and doing it well. They ask for opinions when they want them. We usually just tell them that whatever they want is fine with us. We did speak up on the placement of tables around the room after they asked us, because we were the only parents not near the bride and groom. But they were grateful for the input and didn't even realize that they'd made that mistake. In the end, they are loving us because we're the only ones NOT telling them what to do.

When we try to sit down with the other parents to discuss finances, my DH's ex-wife (the groom's mother) says she refuses to sit at the same table as my DH! It's been 20-odd years since the divorce and this woman has not moved on enough to make her son's wedding a pleasant experience. My DH would do anything to make the wedding pleasant. He puts his son first, but she puts herself first. I usually try to get along with her as much as possible for my stepson's sake, but even my stepson is beginning to realize how hopeless his mother is. I think he's ultimately going to wind up cutting her out of his life. It's going to be very sad for her.

Anyway, Marie you and I have a lot in common! What are the problems with your stepson exactly? I can tell you about the things I did to ingratiate myself with my stepson. He's a great guy and he's really welcomed me into the family. Please feel free to send me a PM. :D

-Nancy
 
Me too. I can't wait to hear all about it. I can't believe it is finally here! Glad to hear that the kids are doing a good job. Hope you can share some pix too Nanc!
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie")http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
Oh goodie! Can't wait! Have FUN!
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie")http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
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