O/T: more advice needed for Fitnik :O(

[Fitnik]

Hi again,

I really need your advice again, guys.

Barely 5 weeks after the abrupt and rather traumatic end of my relationship with my previous boyfriend, I have met the most incredible man who appears to be absolutely everything I would want in a man (and my list of criteria is long and very very specific!!). I had resolved to remain single for a very long time indeed yet along comes my current beau. My ex did not meet many of my criteria from the outset but at the time I was prepared to compromise. This new guy is making all the right noises, saying all the right things etc.. but I am so so so scared of getting hurt again.

I find it so hard to be light and frothy in a relationship when I am developing feelings for someone. I do not do casual dating at all. How on earth do you manage the balance between managing your emotions, guarding your heart yet genuinely giving the relationship a fair chance? I am really really struggling with this right now and keep waiting for something to go wrong. There are as yet no signs of him playing games, being insincere or anything like that at all - on the contrary, he calls often, always wants to see me, talks about a future together, me meeting his family soon etc.., something he has not done for 2 years since his last serious relationship ended.

I know that I could jeopardise the relationship just because of my paranoia yet I do not want to say I don’t want a relationship because I definitely do want one with him as he’s so amazing. My paranoia is obviously because I have been badly knocked back within the space of 2 years by 2 men whom I had every reason to believe were serious about me - first my ex-husband and more recently my ex-boyfriend.

Have you ever struggled with achieving this balance? Having been so badly let down in the past, I am unfortunately just gearing myself up for the same thing happening again even though there are no signs that this will happen again.

I am so sorry to bug you all but would welcome your advice, please. Are there any books you would recommend? I have read so many about relationships that my head is spinning!

Thank you.

 

[clareMc]

Fitnik:

why don't you tell this new man these things? Show him your vulnerabilities. He will in turn show you his and between you, you slowly work things out. Trust the man a little, give him a chance. After all, he has to take a leap of faith in his relationship with you also. Right? You both stand to lose and gain equally: you are not the only one who could get her heart broken or find in this new partner the love of her/his life. Start speaking......

Clare

 

[SteppingFool]

Just tell him what you told us... I'm sure he will understand if you want to go a little slow. A great man is hard to find so don't blow him off. Just take your time to build your trust again... take it easy. Best wishes for you...

 

[wutherhi]

Wow, I wish I did have some advice that might be helpful, but I don't. I was in a similar situation when I met my husband (my ex-hubby's "girlfriend" was five months pregnant when we divorced), and he had to deal with a lot of my old issues, but being the good, solid, patient man that he is, he did.

I explained to him why I felt and behaved the way I did sometimes, and I examined my own thoughts and behavior frequently in order to decide if I was really responding to him or to my own past, then I made changes in my behavior accordingly, as the need became apparent to me. I didn't change HIM much, but I changed me a WHOLE lot.

My husband also had an infuriating (at the time) habit of simply going to sleep in the middle of an argument/rant, but I finally realized (after several years) that this was the best possible thing he could have done. Everything looks better by the light of day, and by morning, I was happy again and ashamed to have been so silly the night before. I apologized (sheepishly). He accepted. And in the end, it worked out. We've been married 17 years. I guess each couple just has to find their own way, and both parties have to be patient and committed.

As for me, I had to learn that you can't "make" things right. You can't force the other person to be what you want and need. And you can never be sure that they are or aren't. You just have to adapt to what the situation "is" and adapt again when what "is" changes.

Being the control freak that I am in some areas of my life, I'm still learning that one. Right now, I've taken on illness and death (of loved ones), and it's even more difficult to learn that I don't have any control over that either.

Best wishes with your new love,
Shari