O/T: Emergency etiquette advice needed

[Aquajock]

Hello, all:

A casual friend of DH's and mine, sadly, died mid week last week from cancer. She was 70, and a wonderful woman.

We have not mailed out the sympathy card to her husband and family, and the mail will not be picked up until Monday by now.

We are going to a secular memorial gathering for her tomorrow afternoon. Should we bring the card with us to this gathering, or mail it knowing they won't get it until Tues. or Wed.?

Please let me know your advice a.s.a.p.

Many thanks -

Annette

 

[amyg]

I'm trying to think back to when my FIL died. I can't recall anyone having a basket or anything for the cards at the service. I've found that grief takes practicality out of the picture.

My humble vote is to simply mail it. You're going to the service and will see them personally.

Hey, can you take the card with you to the service and give it to them if it feels appropriate? You can always pop it in the mail after the service if it doesn't feel right to you. No one would be the wiser.

 

[sparrow]

I agree with Amy. I would simply go to the service and pop the card in the mail separately. Greeting the mourners and handing them a card too could be awkward.


Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage

 

[Miss Lee]

Hi Annette,

I agree with Amy and Sparrow and would mail the card separately. I'm sure they will have a book there for you to sign as well. Your presence at the service will be quite meaningful to the family. When my parents died I was blown away by the number of people that attended the service. It's a real comfort to see that your loved one was held in high regard by so many people.

Michele

 

[squirrelly]

I vote for you to mail it separately.

My uncle died unexpectedly at the age of 40 and the first few days were a whirlwind with all of the preparations and grief.

My aunt told me that the cards she received after everything quieted down comforted her the most because that is when she began to feel the reality sink in.

Hope this helps.

 

[JeanneMarie]

Another vote to mail it separately. It will be like another "hug" from you later in the week after you've already expressed your sympathy by being at the service.

I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

 

[Aquajock]

Thanks to everyone for your advice. It made a lot of sense. We'll mail it out tomorrow. I was feeling a little bad that we didn't mail something out immediately, but maybe getting something later in the week as you have noted might sustain the support.

Sharon was indeed a wonderful woman, who worked hard, raised a loving family, was active in politics, and had a dry, subtle wit. Her daughter, who was on the fence about getting married (actually, was on the fence about a *gasp* WEDDING) asked Sharon, "Mom, what do you need to get married?" Sharon thought for a minute, and said,

"You need a marriage license.

You need two witnesses.

You need someone to officiate, either a clergyperson, a judge, or someone authorized to perform a ceremony.

You need a groom.

End of list."

Sharon - L'Chaim.

Thanks again, everyone.

Annette

 

[nancy324]

Ajock-
Your timing on the card is fine. Just mail it so they can get it at home and read it then, not in the middle of a busy memorial gathering. You're not late at all. They will be receiving cards for many weeks to come.

ETA: I agree wholeheartedly with Michele. It is wonderful that you are attending the memorial. When my Dad died in 2004, it meant the world to my Mom that the chapel was so filled with people. You have no idea how much it helps the family to know that so many cared for their loved one. Your presence will be more appreciated than you know.
-Nancy

 

[wendybdh]

Annette,

First of all, sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

My advice would be to take the card with you in your purse. If there is a basket there, great. If not, keep it in your purse and you can mail it.

Just a thought.

 

[earlyexerciser]

I would suggest to just mail the card. We still have every card from when my FIL died. Those cards meant a lot, and truthfully the ones that came a little later (one to two weeks after the service)are the ones that we remember. Every little thing helps you in a different way each day.

I am sorry about your loss.

Jenn