Need your input on something

banslug

banslug

Cathlete
ok.....I'm here again today, this time with a question.

I'm putting together a new picture/flip frame that has spots for 60 photos. I'm going to place it on my half-wall that divides my kitchen/eating area and my back living room. It's in an area where we spend a lot of time, and everybody will see it and have a chance to flip thru it.. No biggie.

Here's my question. You all know my DH passed away. I want to include pics of the kids from birth right up to today. I'm having a tough time with the pictures that include DH. I know I should include them because it's good for the kids to see his face. But my younger DS is very touchy about it. I don't want to exclude the pics of him and let the kids think I'm keeping him out of our present lives. But Zachary gets very emotional when he's reminded of daddy.

My question: WHAT WOULD YOU DO???

Thanks!

Gayle
 
I would either include the pictures with your husband, or not put up the pictures at all. To my mind, either choice is fine, but to put up the pictures without your husband would not work. In fact, sometimes the absence of someone is more noticeable than their presence. Also, I think you will give your kids the implied message that the whole topic of Daddy is something to be avoided. If your youngest is still too young, then wait until next year to put up the pictures.

Just my two cents.
 
Realizing that this could be a difficult conversation, my inclination would be to find a good time to ask your sons what they want you to do. I think only they can decide if it would be too upsetting to see pictures of Dad on a daily basis, or if it would be okay or even helpful to have a daily reminder of how important he is to them. (Of course if they don't agree on an answer, then it becomes even more complicated. But hopefully there is a middle ground, like maybe putting pictures towards the back where your younger son can avoid seeing them if he wants to.)

Of course even if it is too painful to have them there now, you can always rotate the pictures in later when they are older and maybe better able to handle it.

HTH!
 
I agree with Nancy. Maybe you can put just a few of DH in there until Zachary is dealing better with it, & add more as time goes by & it's less painful for you both.
 
I agree with Nancy too. I know it's very difficult right now, but I think it's important for the kids to always remember their Dad.
 
Maybe you could enlist the help of the boys in picking out the pictures. That way you can see how they handle the pictures with their Dad.

Just a thought....

JJ
 
Hi Gayle,

I had not known about your DH, I am so sorry for your loss. When my mom lost her father, she took all his pictures down from her house because it was too painful to see them. In time, over a year later, she has begun putting them back up again. It may take time with you and your son as well. Maybe it would be an option to have a second flip frame available with his pictures that your other kids may view?
 
I agree with everyone above. Although it could be hard, I think it is important that your children remember their father. You can ease them into it but if they are never faced with it, they will never learn how to deal with their feelings. It's okay for your youngest to get upset and cry when he sees the pictures. He needs to let it out. It's not healthy to bottle it up or ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist.

Just my 2 cents. :)
 
I also am so sorry for your loss! I agree with JJ too. I think that I'd just tell your kids that you want to fill this album with family pictures that are special to everyone and ask them to help pick some out. I think that would definitely open the lines of communication. I think it's especially good that it's a flip-through album, so it's more subtle. Sounds like you're a really great mom.
 
WOW! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO much, guys! I knew I could count on some good feedback, as usual!

OK....here's what we've decided. I took your suggestions....ALL of them! I called the boys into the dining room, where I was working on this project. I showed them some funny pictures of themselves, then showed them one with Daddy. As I expected, my older DS was quiet but fine, and my younger DS got sad immediately. So I showed them a few more and asked if they'd like me to include them in the new frame and they agreed, and helped choose the pics. I LOVE IT!

You guys hit the nail right on the head with this one!

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I wish I could give you each a great big HUG!

Gayle
 
I'd put them in. Definitely.

If you don't help him face death now, he will never accept it. He needs to know that death does not mean someone is gone. It just means that we can't see them anymore, but that the spirit is still around us all the time. By looking at the pictures, it keeps daddy's spirit close, because it keeps daddy in his heart.

He'll adjust. Don't obsess over this and he'll adjust. If you act normal, he'll "get it".
 
I realize I'm an adult and you are worried about a child, but I still get teary eyed about my Mom who passed 25 years ago.

It tears at my heartstrings, but it is also healing.

I 10th the idea of having them help pick out the pictures if your little one can handle looking at them for this "project".
 
Good Call!!

banslug said:
WOW! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO much, guys! I knew I could count on some good feedback, as usual!

OK....here's what we've decided. I took your suggestions....ALL of them! I called the boys into the dining room, where I was working on this project. I showed them some funny pictures of themselves, then showed them one with Daddy. As I expected, my older DS was quiet but fine, and my younger DS got sad immediately. So I showed them a few more and asked if they'd like me to include them in the new frame and they agreed, and helped choose the pics. I LOVE IT!

You guys hit the nail right on the head with this one!

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I wish I could give you each a great big HUG!

Gayle
Click to expand...

I meant to reply earlier, but didn't get a chance to. I think that was a good way to handle it. I'm obviously older than your kids, but both my and DH's mom have passed away. My father/family never talks of my mother and DH's father/family (with him as the exception) always talks about his. Both are so extreme its all a little weird. I'd like my family to talk about my mom and have pictures around, and at the same time the "shrine" DH's father has put up is a little weird. You seem to have found a happy medium. good job!!! And remember, healing is NOT forgetting!!!

Nan
 
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