Need some advice

acatalina

acatalina

Cathlete
I went to see a friend in a nursing home today.
I put this off for a long time.
She is my age and was in an accident 4 years ago.
She can't do anything but blink and smile.
We were good friends.
We used to work together.
I broke down in tears , which i really tried not to do.
I told her I wish i could take you out of here . I wish you could talk to me I wish i was psycic.
No one visits her anymore.
Her mother wouldn't pull the plug when this happened because she didn't want to loose her.
She has no quality of life.
She can't even eat.
I want to go and do her hair and give her a pedicure.
Her hands are curled. She smiled when i said it.
What else can i do?
Maybe read to her?
We used to hang after work ocasionally and get a bottle of wine and shoot the s*it over everything.
I never wanted to see her like this. It was really hard.

Oh, I think her mother is so selfish. She could have been in heaven not in pain.(pain patches)I think she did this because they were on the outs and she felt guilty.For what to have her just lay there for 40 years????

Advice,
What can i say to her. I don't know how to act?
What can i do for her?????
I feel so helpless...
She was so full of life.
I know she would not want this.

Any input appreciated.
Anne

She wears a pain patch also...
 
Oh Anne, how horrible. That breaks my heart to hear this. I say just visit her as much as you can, talk to her, read to her. I'm also sure she'd love for you to do up her hair and nails. What a shame. Stay strong for her, try to be her friend just like you were before. I know it will be hard, but at least she will know that you love her.
 
Anne,

I would suggest just being with her. My suggestions: sit by the bed and don't leave her with nothing but her own thoughts. Pick a few books, read the reviews to her, and let her pick what one she wants you to read to her. I think brushing her hair and giving her a pedicure are great ideas. also, you could bring her a CD player and some stories on CD. Listen to them together. Are there any babies in the family? Bring some babies to visit her. (infection/virus concerns maybe?) Frankly, at this point, if no one is visiting her, it probably doesn't matter what you do while there. She probably just enjoys the company.

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Anne,

How sad for your friend. And BTW, I believe you're a dear friend to want to do anything you can for her.

Since she is apparently aware of everything and understands what you talk to her about, continue to visit by all means. I think doing her hair and the pedicure would be lovely. And reading to her could mentally carry her "away" for the while that you're there. Just your presence would bring her such joy. Remember what it was like when you two talked before her accident and try to be the same Anne when talking with her now. Bring fresh flowers to brighten the room and place them where she can see them. Remember what she enjoyed before the accident and bring some things into the room to cheer-up her surroundings. How about a portable CD player and play some music for her, a variety of any of her favorites you may remember and just anything you think is soothing and enjoyable to listen.

Remember the most wonderful thing you can do is simply visit her. Whatever you add to that visit is a bonus.
 
Anne...I am so terribly, terribly sorry. It is so wonderful that you visited her and gave her your time. It is obvious that you care for her very much and I'm sure she feels that. I'm sure you do feel helpless..anyone would in that situation. I don't think you have to do or say anything special. I think just being there with her is the greatest gift you can give her. God bless you. You'll be in my prayers.
 
Anne-

Being a nurse and seeing this situation all too often due to familial guilt, I commend you for your thoughtfulness and love/concern for your friend.

She obviously is aware of her surroundings and brushing her hair and pedicure are wonderful ideas. Reading to her is also wonderful.

Did you use to watch movies? There are small TV's with DVD or VCRs attached that you can sit and watch movies with. I used to work at a nursing home and became very attached to some of the residents who resemble your friend. I made a habit of coming in at Christmas or their birthdays with "froo-froo" smelling bath gel, lotions, powders and bathing them and making them smell good!

I also used to wash their hair and braid it if it were long and put bows or other fun items in their hair.

The entire time that I would visit them, I would talk to them about everything/nothing at all. Talk about the weather, how hot/cold it was outside, talk about what's going on in politics, just anything in general (but then again, I was always pretty good at carrying the conversation by myself).

If that feels uncomfortable at first, there's nothing wrong with just sitting reading to her and holding her hand, she won't break, I promise!! If all else fails, ask the nurses what you can to for them to help care for her while you are there.

You can't do anything to fix the past, but you can do your best to make her present and pleasant as possible!
 
Anne, you,ve been given some excellent advice here and I have nothing more to add except that I think you're an angel and very dear to care for your friend's well being. I'll keep her in my prayers.
 
Anne, you,ve been given some excellent advice here and I have nothing more to add except that I think you're an angel and very dear to care for your friend's well being. I'll keep her in my prayers.
 
Ann,

Hang in there kiddo. You are going to have to let go a certain amount. Do what ever it takes, cry, get mad, throw things, spit nails. And give yourself some time.

It is so sad to see a loved one in that horrid way. I know, my Mom has alzhiemers, which leaves her in a similar situation. She also smiles, and with no audio, she whispers "I love you." Of course she doesn't really know what she is saying, and doesn't know me.

She is only a shell where my mother use to be. I still love her, but thinking that way, helps me cope. I will visit her as much as I can. And when I'm there, I brush her hair, rub her hands, (they are getting frozen), color her nails....tell her my problems, cry still... I do know she is being taken care of, so my mind is assured there.

Pray, and while you are doing so invision comforting her, that beautiful precious soul. She will be there for you, perhaps holding you and comforting you as well.

Lots of hugs to you and your friend,

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
Ann,

Hang in there kiddo. You are going to have to let go a certain amount. Do what ever it takes, cry, get mad, throw things, spit nails. And give yourself some time.

It is so sad to see a loved one in that horrid way. I know, my Mom has alzhiemers, which leaves her in a similar situation. She also smiles, and with no audio, she whispers "I love you." Of course she doesn't really know what she is saying, and doesn't know me.

She is only a shell where my mother use to be. I still love her, but thinking that way, helps me cope. I will visit her as much as I can. And when I'm there, I brush her hair, rub her hands, (they are getting frozen), color her nails....tell her my problems, cry still... I do know she is being taken care of, so my mind is assured there.

Pray, and while you are doing so invision comforting her, that beautiful precious soul. She will be there for you, perhaps holding you and comforting you as well.

Lots of hugs to you and your friend,

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
It is just so darn depressing.
If she could only talk. She moaned out once with tears, and i broke down. She was a beautiful girl with 4 boys, divorced.
I did talk about old times. i told her bet you would like a big glass of wine and she smiled.
She can only blink. Once for yes twice for no.
I guess they get her up during the day. I am going to pack up some haircolor and my handicap cape and go Sunday and do her hair and eyebrows. She was always a blonde.Perfect makeup .Never had roots. This greyish brown is not her.I wonder if they would let me wheel her outside to sit for a while?
I took her white roses and pink lillys and put them in a vase by her bed.
I don't know how extensive the brain damage was. She was thrown from the car about 40 feet. Stopped for gas and didn't put her belt back on and hit ice on the way to work.
I heard her ex took the boys and moved away .
I don't know her maiden name either to contact her mom.

I miss my chit chat buddy. We talked about everything and i mean everything.

Thanks ladies i am going back , hopefully once a week to spend at least an hour or so with her. Maybe a miracle will happen.

Nurses, why a trache with no oxygen hooked up?Wouldn't that mean she can breathe by herself?
Anne



http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
 
It is just so darn depressing.
If she could only talk. She moaned out once with tears, and i broke down. She was a beautiful girl with 4 boys, divorced.
I did talk about old times. i told her bet you would like a big glass of wine and she smiled.
She can only blink. Once for yes twice for no.
I guess they get her up during the day. I am going to pack up some haircolor and my handicap cape and go Sunday and do her hair and eyebrows. She was always a blonde.Perfect makeup .Never had roots. This greyish brown is not her.I wonder if they would let me wheel her outside to sit for a while?
I took her white roses and pink lillys and put them in a vase by her bed.
I don't know how extensive the brain damage was. She was thrown from the car about 40 feet. Stopped for gas and didn't put her belt back on and hit ice on the way to work.
I heard her ex took the boys and moved away .
I don't know her maiden name either to contact her mom.

I miss my chit chat buddy. We talked about everything and i mean everything.

Thanks ladies i am going back , hopefully once a week to spend at least an hour or so with her. Maybe a miracle will happen.

Nurses, why a trache with no oxygen hooked up?Wouldn't that mean she can breathe by herself?
Anne



http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
 
Gee, Anne. I just want to say I hope that somewhere out there I have a friend just like you. Your reaching out to your dear friend, when her family has apparently abandoned her, truly speaks to me.

There's a special place for those people who truly care.:)
 
Anne, I can really relate to this--it sounds like the last 10 years of my Nana's life, & she was probably the most influential woman in my life until she had a massive stroke, basically left her a vegetable.

You are doing exactly the right things. I know my Nana used to love it when she got a manicure or when we colored & styled her hair. As far as how you should act, you should just be yourself. Chat with her about what's happening in your life, current events, etc. etc. Maybe some of the nursing staff can help you get her into a wheelchair so you can walk her around the block or through their garden if they have one. Keep her connected with the outside world, distract her, be there for her. That's really all you can do.
 
Anne, I am so sorry! There have been several of your posts here where I have thought that you are a sweet and loving person and this is another one. I don't really know what to tell you......It just crossed my mind that since she smiled when you mentioned doing her hair and giving her a pedicure then the idea of that must make her happy. And since nobody visits her she must be terribly lonely. Maybe you could make spending a little time with her every week a regular thing. God bless you!
 
Anne, you have gotten some great advice from others on this wonderful forum. Just wanted to tell you that I also think you are SO ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL even to visit her once, and each additional visit will be another blessing for her - I think most people would just avoid avoid avoid seeing the person, so the fact that you went to visit at all is incredibly brave and meaningful. You're really an inspiration, and if I'm ever in a situation like this, with an ill friend (I guess we'll all be in that situation sooner or later), I will remember your post and go in and visit her. It's very difficult for people to do the right thing in this sort of situation, and you are doing the right thing.
 
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