My SO told me in the beginning of our relationship that he thinks he is ADD. Sometimes when I talk to him he doesn't respond after I say something so I don't know that he's listening. Other times he really is distracted and did not hear me. This has been a periodic thorn in my side. I don't know if this is bad communication habits or honest ADD or both. I got upset over this weekend with him that I felt he wasn't listening or responding to me and told him how he does this frequently and it really bothers me. I was "female" emotional anyway so just could not stop crying and he feels that he didn't do anything "wrong" and that most people do that from time to time and that I'm self-sabotaging myself and the relationship with focusing on the negative. He thinks I am not being accepting of him and the flaws that we all have and am misreading him because its not like he cancelled plans to go hang out with the boys, he is just being himself. I really have no idea how to handle this because this really is the only issue I have because he's great in many ways but this just festers at times with me.
need relationship advice
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pippa
Cathlete
Well...I don't know if he has ADD or not but the behavior you described sounds like most men that I know(including the one I live with.) Personally, I think it is bad communication skills but most of the men that I know don't see it as a big deal. Like your SO they can think of a million other things that would be worse so they think this is something minor. I can't tell you how many times I have had this discussion with my DH. Now he usually apologizes and I repeat what I said after he spends 5 minutes assuring me that he really does want to know.
I honestly don't think being a bad listener is something that anyone should just accept as 'flaws and all.' That would be why after 14 years I am STILL having these conversations with my DH. Obviously, I don't think it something that is worth ending my marriage over but I certainly DO think it is a big deal when the person I am talking to is, or at least appears to be, ignoring me.
I should mention that in my case this behavior only appeared after we were married. Funny how that happens...
I honestly don't think being a bad listener is something that anyone should just accept as 'flaws and all.' That would be why after 14 years I am STILL having these conversations with my DH. Obviously, I don't think it something that is worth ending my marriage over but I certainly DO think it is a big deal when the person I am talking to is, or at least appears to be, ignoring me.
I should mention that in my case this behavior only appeared after we were married. Funny how that happens...
pippa
Cathlete
One more thing...and of course I don't know your situation as well as you do...but your SO certainly seems to know how to flip things around to make you feel like the bad guy when he is the one doing something wrong.
When I am speaking to someone I expect that they listen. The same as when someone is speaking to me, I listen. You expressing frustration over someone ignoring you when you speak is certainly not wrong and I would hate for you to think that you should feel bad for expressing your feelings. JMO
When I am speaking to someone I expect that they listen. The same as when someone is speaking to me, I listen. You expressing frustration over someone ignoring you when you speak is certainly not wrong and I would hate for you to think that you should feel bad for expressing your feelings. JMO
Does he even know what signs of adult ADD are? I would check into this before you take his claims. Both of you should read up, if you haven't already.
Second of all, do you get individual counseling for all of these relationship issues? It seems to me (from all the past posts) that there are a lot of things you need to work out on an individual level before being in a successful relationship. Couples counseling can also be beneficial as well. This is just my honest opinion based on what I have read thus far.
Debbie
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.
-Ellen Degeneres
Second of all, do you get individual counseling for all of these relationship issues? It seems to me (from all the past posts) that there are a lot of things you need to work out on an individual level before being in a successful relationship. Couples counseling can also be beneficial as well. This is just my honest opinion based on what I have read thus far.
Debbie
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.
-Ellen Degeneres
crazystepr
Cathlete
I agree with Pippa. I have the same problem with my SO. Especially if he's sitting in front of the t.v.!!! I actually grab the remote and TURN IT OFF if I want him to listen to what I have to say. He just can not focus on two things at a time. Nevermind the fact that I can tie my shoes, cook dinner, read the Cathe forum, vaccum and watch tv all at the same time... (ok, well that's an exaggeration, but still). I've come to the conclusion that men can not multitask and we all just have to learn how to live with it.
What's weird, too, is that even though he appears to be ignoring me, when I get mad and ask him what it is I just said, he can repeat it back word for word....hmmmm.....
Regardless, when I'm speaking to someone (and/or being spoken to) I want that person to look at me and acknowledge the fact that I'm talking to them.
Allison
(ok, well that's an exaggeration, but still). I've come to the conclusion that men can not multitask and we all just have to learn how to live with it. What's weird, too, is that even though he appears to be ignoring me, when I get mad and ask him what it is I just said, he can repeat it back word for word....hmmmm.....
Regardless, when I'm speaking to someone (and/or being spoken to) I want that person to look at me and acknowledge the fact that I'm talking to them.
Allison
nancy324
Cathlete
Regardless of whether he has ADD or is in control of his actions or whatever, there's a bigger picture here. You did not mention that he is concerned for your feelings. In the end, that's all that matters, and everything else can be worked out. If you feel like you're not being listened to, he needs to care about that and want to make it better. From there, you can work out the details. The question is: Why is he being defensive and accusing you of things instead of trying to find ways to make you happier? That's the important question.
hiitdogs
Cathlete
I have the same problems with DH. I think there is something to it that the female chromosomes is XX, while males are XY (damaged X }()I don't want to sound sexist or prejudicial but women in general are much better at multi-tasking than men.
Your description of your SO, Allison, sounds EXACTLY like my DH. He watches TV or does something else and when I talk to him he doesn't respond or only hears part of it, can't repeat what I just said/asked. Sometimes I ask him "Did you hear what I just said", he responds "Yeah", when I ask him "So what did I just say?", he has no clue. ARRRGGHHH!
In the beginning of our relationship it drove me NUTS and I was really offended. I guess I just learned to live with it, it still annoys me though.
Taking the remote away, I have done, too.
Don't know what advise to give though. Haven't found what magic would work
Your description of your SO, Allison, sounds EXACTLY like my DH. He watches TV or does something else and when I talk to him he doesn't respond or only hears part of it, can't repeat what I just said/asked. Sometimes I ask him "Did you hear what I just said", he responds "Yeah", when I ask him "So what did I just say?", he has no clue. ARRRGGHHH!
In the beginning of our relationship it drove me NUTS and I was really offended. I guess I just learned to live with it, it still annoys me though.
Taking the remote away, I have done, too.
Don't know what advise to give though. Haven't found what magic would work
I've been married 20 years to my mostly wonderful DH and he habitually tunes me out when I'm talking to him. Yes, it drives me insane but I honestly think it's a male trait, not a relationship power issue. It's like that Far Side cartoon with the guy talking to his dog saying, (I'm paraphrasing here, I can't remember it exactly) "Now Ginger, you have to stop jumping on the sofa. Ginger, this behavior is not appropriate..." What the dog hears, "Blah, blah, blah Ginger, blah, blah..." I swear my DH waits for my lips to stop moving because that's his cue to say, "Okay." Five minutes later he'll ask me some question I've already given him the answer to. It's like Delayed Onset Hearing Syndrome (DOHS--yes, it's almost the same sound Homer Simpson makes)
I've learned not to talk to him when he's watching TV or on the computer unless it's really urgent ("The house is on fire and I'm heading out the door with the kids...")
Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
I've learned not to talk to him when he's watching TV or on the computer unless it's really urgent ("The house is on fire and I'm heading out the door with the kids...")
Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
Yeah, he admitted he becomes defensive. Also was in a relationship with someone before that he constantly tried to change for until he realized she was never happy. He has attitude now that he won't change himself for anyone to please them. Although he has done changing along the way. But, am not happy about his intial response to turn it all around on me. Gosh, I could be in therapy forever. I thought the best way to learn about relationships was to be in them??
pippa
Cathlete
He watches TV or does something else and when I talk to
>him he doesn't respond or only hears part of it, can't repeat
>what I just said/asked. Sometimes I ask him "Did you hear what
>I just said", he responds "Yeah", when I ask him "So what did
>I just say?", he has no clue. ARRRGGHHH!
My DH does this thing where he pretends like what I am saying doesn't make any sense, like that is the reason he isn't responding, because what I'm saying is sooo confusing, and that it has nothing to do with the TV or newspaper, etc. UGH!
I do remember reading one time that the *need* to have the person you are talking to look at you is a 'female' thing. That a lot of men just don't feel like they need to have eye contact to feel they are being listened to. I think I read it in Cosmo so who knows...but I do remember thinking that it seemed pretty right to me.
>him he doesn't respond or only hears part of it, can't repeat
>what I just said/asked. Sometimes I ask him "Did you hear what
>I just said", he responds "Yeah", when I ask him "So what did
>I just say?", he has no clue. ARRRGGHHH!
My DH does this thing where he pretends like what I am saying doesn't make any sense, like that is the reason he isn't responding, because what I'm saying is sooo confusing, and that it has nothing to do with the TV or newspaper, etc. UGH!
I do remember reading one time that the *need* to have the person you are talking to look at you is a 'female' thing. That a lot of men just don't feel like they need to have eye contact to feel they are being listened to. I think I read it in Cosmo so who knows...but I do remember thinking that it seemed pretty right to me.
Oh I just can't resist jumping in!!!!!
A member of a couple cannot have a communication issue. The couple has a communication issue.
My wife says I ignore her at times and it's true (sometimes). There are times when short and sweet is good. Going on and on repeating the same things will cause the receiver of the communications to tune out. I use a "submarine" method, I listen superficially and try to pick out the pertinent facts, I surface when the conversation requires it. Sometimes a yes or no will do.
I don't know the details of your relationship. If your SO is ADD, you'll have to work hard at commanding his attention. He has to work hard at paying attention to you.
A member of a couple cannot have a communication issue. The couple has a communication issue.
My wife says I ignore her at times and it's true (sometimes). There are times when short and sweet is good. Going on and on repeating the same things will cause the receiver of the communications to tune out. I use a "submarine" method, I listen superficially and try to pick out the pertinent facts, I surface when the conversation requires it. Sometimes a yes or no will do.
I don't know the details of your relationship. If your SO is ADD, you'll have to work hard at commanding his attention. He has to work hard at paying attention to you.
pippa
Cathlete
He has attitude now that he won't change himself for anyone to please
>them. Although he has done changing along the way. But, am
>not happy about his intial response to turn it all around on
>me. Gosh, I could be in therapy forever. I thought the best
>way to learn about relationships was to be in them??
Well, I'm all for not changing SOME things but when the person you are in the relationship with is telling you that your behavior is hurtful than I think you have to at least CONSIDER changing. I mean, I certainly don't want to hurt any of the people that I care about and sometimes we all are guilty of not realizing how are actions are being received/perceived, that is why communication is so important. If my DH tells me that by doing ______ I am hurting his feelings than, of course, I want to stop doing _____. I would never knowingly set out to hurt his feelings.
Experience is, of course, the best way to learn about most things. With relationships it gets tough because it's your feelings and emotions that end up getting hurt. I think you are learning things though. I think you are finding out what YOU need in a relationship and what YOU don't like in a relationship. The next step is communicating this to your SO. I would hope that he would want to give you what you need(for the most part.) In this case, in particular, what you need is not outrageous, although I do think it is tough for men. I think it would be nice if he would recognize your feelings, apologize and at least TRY going forward to be more responsive. As I said before, it has taken me a long time to get my DH to the point of the TRYING, but you just have to stay tough.
>them. Although he has done changing along the way. But, am
>not happy about his intial response to turn it all around on
>me. Gosh, I could be in therapy forever. I thought the best
>way to learn about relationships was to be in them??
Well, I'm all for not changing SOME things but when the person you are in the relationship with is telling you that your behavior is hurtful than I think you have to at least CONSIDER changing. I mean, I certainly don't want to hurt any of the people that I care about and sometimes we all are guilty of not realizing how are actions are being received/perceived, that is why communication is so important. If my DH tells me that by doing ______ I am hurting his feelings than, of course, I want to stop doing _____. I would never knowingly set out to hurt his feelings.
Experience is, of course, the best way to learn about most things. With relationships it gets tough because it's your feelings and emotions that end up getting hurt. I think you are learning things though. I think you are finding out what YOU need in a relationship and what YOU don't like in a relationship. The next step is communicating this to your SO. I would hope that he would want to give you what you need(for the most part.) In this case, in particular, what you need is not outrageous, although I do think it is tough for men. I think it would be nice if he would recognize your feelings, apologize and at least TRY going forward to be more responsive. As I said before, it has taken me a long time to get my DH to the point of the TRYING, but you just have to stay tough.
pippa
Cathlete
Going on and on repeating the same things will cause the receiver of the communications to tune out.
I'm sorry, but that's just rude. If someone comes to me with a problem or something they need to talk about, it doesn't matter to me how many times they repeat themselves I won't just 'tune them out.' I know when I get REALLY upset about something I tend to harp on the same things for a little while until I feel better. I would certainly consider it extremely rude and disrespectful if anyone I was close to just 'tuned me out' because I was repeating myself. Gosh...that would just be sooo hurtful to me, to think that a person that I am sharing my feelings with was 'tuning me out'....:-(
I'm sorry, but that's just rude. If someone comes to me with a problem or something they need to talk about, it doesn't matter to me how many times they repeat themselves I won't just 'tune them out.' I know when I get REALLY upset about something I tend to harp on the same things for a little while until I feel better. I would certainly consider it extremely rude and disrespectful if anyone I was close to just 'tuned me out' because I was repeating myself. Gosh...that would just be sooo hurtful to me, to think that a person that I am sharing my feelings with was 'tuning me out'....:-(
lioness
Cathlete
I'm going to chime in here regarding the "tuning out" statement. I'm female and I admit that I tune people out. It's not intentional and it's not when someone is in need. It's the everyday stuff. My mom (I love her to death) but she will tell a story and start with a bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with the meat of the story. There are times when I say "edit" and she'll get to the point, but other times I just let her talk. I admit that my mind wanders from time to time but when she is really in need or anyone else for at matter, I'm all ears. I don't think it a gender thing..I think it's a human thing. I do my best to listen to everyone but sometimes life just gets in the way and my mind doesn't stop. It's a flaw of mine and I'm working on it.
I can't give you any advice on the relationship issue. I recently got out of the relationship because he couldn't communicate at all. He was a great listener though!
I can't give you any advice on the relationship issue. I recently got out of the relationship because he couldn't communicate at all. He was a great listener though!
crabbyella
Cathlete
I am married to a WONDERFUL man who I think is the best husband's in the world but he NEVER LISTENS TO ME. When I think he isn't listening I usually say, "I am about to take my clothes off (or something else racy) ," in the middle of the converstion. This always gets him to go,"What," and focus.
KIM
KIM
tneah
Cathlete
Kim, great tactic!
I know that my guy or any guy really, likes to be able to "solve" or "fix"things. So when there is an issue, I approach it with these words, "Honey bunny" or "babe", I need your advice, or "I need your help". This gets his attention, and then I go on to state my problem or whatever I want to bring to his attention. But I try to say things like "I know you are working really hard lately and I really want you to know I appreciate it. I need some help with the ......or whatever your issue is. I find that flattery, timing and asking for "help" works everytime! Its that ole' ego thing. Gosh, I love men, they really are pretty easy!:7 Oh, and NEVER try to talk about something-especially relationship stuff during any sporting event-ever. How would you feel if your hubby walked in and wanted to talk during one of your workouts? Ya know what I mean?
I know that my guy or any guy really, likes to be able to "solve" or "fix"things. So when there is an issue, I approach it with these words, "Honey bunny" or "babe", I need your advice, or "I need your help". This gets his attention, and then I go on to state my problem or whatever I want to bring to his attention. But I try to say things like "I know you are working really hard lately and I really want you to know I appreciate it. I need some help with the ......or whatever your issue is. I find that flattery, timing and asking for "help" works everytime!
Its that ole' ego thing. Gosh, I love men, they really are pretty easy!:7 Oh, and NEVER try to talk about something-especially relationship stuff during any sporting event-ever. How would you feel if your hubby walked in and wanted to talk during one of your workouts? Ya know what I mean?Another thought when you're approaching the SO, is is the issue something he can address or fix? If not you'll get a nod or an "I understand" and unless you've got something new to add the conversation is over.
My wife has a job at a hospital extended care facility. There's a lot she can't discuss, sometimes she bears it heavily. Most of it I probably wouldn't understand anyway. I am all ears if the concern is a member of our family, the house, the car etc. But don't start a conversation you can't finish. Just ask for the back rub or the scalp massage and lets talk about something else (like the World Series).
I was a Union Officer for a number of years and had to represent people who were losing jobs and other life crisis. There were a few cases that ripped me apart. I never troubled the family with it. They would notice, however, that I did a few extra workouts on the heavy bag that day.
My wife has a job at a hospital extended care facility. There's a lot she can't discuss, sometimes she bears it heavily. Most of it I probably wouldn't understand anyway. I am all ears if the concern is a member of our family, the house, the car etc. But don't start a conversation you can't finish. Just ask for the back rub or the scalp massage and lets talk about something else (like the World Series).
I was a Union Officer for a number of years and had to represent people who were losing jobs and other life crisis. There were a few cases that ripped me apart. I never troubled the family with it. They would notice, however, that I did a few extra workouts on the heavy bag that day.
Sunshine 1528
Cathlete
Something that helped me many years ago was reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
There are many "generic" traits that both genders have and it really does help to understand the other gender.
As Dave mentioned, we females tend to go on and on, or sometimes even speak just to have them listen and then get mad if they respond. Well, that is why they think you are talking to them in the first place.
Hope you figure things out soon before you get too frustrated . . .
There are many "generic" traits that both genders have and it really does help to understand the other gender.
As Dave mentioned, we females tend to go on and on, or sometimes even speak just to have them listen and then get mad if they respond. Well, that is why they think you are talking to them in the first place.
Hope you figure things out soon before you get too frustrated . . .