Need help with a sticky situation (long!)

amyg

amyg

Cathlete
Hi All-

I need some help. It's a long story, but I think the whole story is necessary for the help I need!

My husband and I are going away for 4 days in July. My neighbor (who is doing much better after the death of her beloved cat, for those of you who were here that day!) has always taken care of our cats when we go away ever since we moved in 4 years ago.

My sister is having troubles with her husband, and she has moved back in with my parents for the summer. She has not told anyone what is really going on, and we're all confused but trying to give her some room to figure things out. She is staying in my parents' spare bedroom.

Next month, my grandfather is coming to stay with my parents for a few weeks like he has for the past few years since my grandma died. He stays in their spare bedroom when he is here.

My sister is not going to stay with my parents while my grandpa is visiting. Her cats are staying at my parents' house, though! I am not sure if my mother has told my grandfather about my sister at all, or if she has given him bare bones, or what. My family seems to enjoy the complicated drama of having different rules for each family member (!!). I figure the truth is easier, but I'm the black sheep. ;)

SO, I received an email from my sister last week and she said to the effect of "isn't it great for you that I am available to stay at your house and take care of your cats while you are gone". OH NO!!! I do NOT want her to stay at my house!! She and I are so different, and we treat our respective cats so differently, and I don't really want *anyone* staying at my house while I'm away. I had already told my mother this, but then she determined that my sister should ask to stay here anyway.

My problem is: how do I tell my sister NO WAY without sounding rude, negative, bitter, self-centered, uncaring, arrogant, or any of the typical adjectives I tend to "earn" in situations like this when I explain that I cannot have her stay here?

I would prefer to leave my DH out of it, since it really is me saying no, and not him. I use him as an excuse enough, and I would really like to just be myself in this one! :p

ANY HELP would be great. I haven't responded to her email, but last weekend she asked me if I received it and I told her that I had.

Maybe it would have been better if she had just said "can I stay at your house" rather than framing it as a way to help ME when I didn't need any in the first place!

SO SO SO SORRY IT'S SO LONG!!!!!!!!:eek:
 
Hi Amy-bo-bayme :) Wow, you and I could swap family stories no kidding ;) Look, I'll tell you flat out that I have gotten to a point in my life that I am just to tired to go rounds w/ family members or tip toe on eggshells about things. This is not to say that I am rude or disrespectful, but some things just need to dealt with, regardless of how you think the others will perceive you.

First off, it is your house & your cats. I totally get how you know your cats best and what you wish to do (I have one crazy kooky kitty myself). Second, from what I think you're saying, I find it ridiculous that your mother is pushing to have your sister stay at your house, most likely just to give room for your grandfather. Although I understand the intention, this is NOT her place to do so. Thirdly, I think it is darn rude for your sister to assume that you are going to have her cat sit....so don't worry so much about your perceived rudeness back.

I think you just need to tell her exactly how you are explaining it here - that it is nothing personal but you know your cat and so forth. Plus, it is not a horrible thing to just come out and say you would prefer her not to stay there. After all, it is your home. Amy, sometimes we can't entirely escape the "wrath" of family and just need to do what is best for us. Those are my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em ;)


Live with sincerity, love with passion, and dance like you mean it.

Debbie
 
Debbie-

I don't know if you have any idea how much I appreciate your comments!! I'm just coming into my own, it seems, and learning how to put myself ahead of my family. I have run into so much trouble in law school because of how I was taught to be- putting everyone else ahead of myself, regardless for how insignificant that person is in my life! It sounds strange, I know, but I can't expect to be an attorney if I'm afraid to speak my mind for fear of what someone will think of me for one afternoon.

I'm thinking of responding to her email and just telling her that I've tried to be okay with her staying here, but I'm just not okay with it. It's going to complicate her life, but she doesn't shy away from complicating her own life herself, so I guess I shouldn't feel badly about it.

An excerpt from her email:
Hi guys,
Rumor has it that you're headed to Las Vegas for a bit in July. Rumor also has it that the trip is during Grandpa's visit...when I need to find alternate lodging for two weeks. I'm piecing a bunch of things together during that time and was wondering if I could housesit and take care of George and Gracie while you're gone. I don't need anything except a bed--I'm pretty self-sufficient otherwise!

Okay, I expect this isn't rude on its own; but the "rumor has it" just strikes me as "I know you don't want me to ask if I can stay here but I'm asking anyway" and *that* is what feels really rude- I feel backed into a corner of either saying yes when I want to say no, or saying no and having to deal with my mom's disapproval. Sigh.

Dear me, I wish I could just get over the family issues!!!
 
Amy - I'm learning that every family has issues - just different ones and to different degrees. Wouldn't it be sooo nice just to be able to all live together peacefully?

Honestly, Amy - it sounds like she's not planning on just house sitting, but moving in for 2 weeks. I'd let her know that you have made other arrangements for George and Gracie that you could not possibly back out on now, because you would break your neighbor's heart. And that you're having your place fumigated while you're gone... Okay, no sense in lying about the last part. But I would just let her know that you are not comfortable with anyone staying at the house while you're gone, and would rather she found alternative arrangements.

You're such a sweetie. I think you need to decide which you would be less comfortable with. You're mom's disapproval or your sister's staying at your house. You'll be a great lawyer by the way. You'll have the ability to see both sides and argue both - the other guy will never know what hit him. {{{{HUGS}}}}
 
Be tough, lady ;) You will be fine & you will be a great lawyer :) Don't forget being a lawyer & dealing w/ your family are apples and oranges...or maybe apples and cows ;) I cannot get past her inviting herself purely for selfish reasons. Close the door on that one, fast. it is A-OK to put yourself first. Rah rah sis boom bah!


Live with sincerity, love with passion, and dance like you mean it.

Debbie
 
You've gotten some great advice so far Amy. I just wanted to send you some (((HUGS))). Fam damily's!!!x( x( x( x( x(
 
I agree with all the above! Plus, how are you going to be able to enjoy yourself on vacation if you are worrying about what's going on at home and how your cats are being taken care of?
I say stick to your guns and it will all blow over in no time. Good luck!

Maeghan AKA megadoo

http://www.3fatchicks.net/img/bar072/slider-but3/lb/203/145/159/.png[/img] [/url]

http://www.picturetrail.com/megadoo2
 
Amy,

I just do not view it as rude to tell your sister who you did NOT invited into your home while you are away NO. I do view your sister as rude and self-absorbed.

It's not easy, but I believe you should stand up for what YOU WANT. It isn't as though this is a life or death situation, or that you caused her marriage to falter, or that perhaps your mother suggested it...gee, would you like the infamous turkey baster now? As for your mother not having room for sis and grandfather - mother apparently let your sis stay in the spare bedroom knowing full well that grandfather was coming as usual.

Bottom line, this is mom and sis's problem, not Amy's. Do not let them make it yours...just say no.

Here's a {{{{{{{{AMY}}}}}}}}:*
 
Okay. So thanks to each of you, I was able to reply to my sister's email:
I've been trying to figure out a way to make myself comfortable having someone else stay at my house while we're away, and I haven't been able to do it.
I know it might complicate your life for a few days to not be able to stay here, but that's where I'm at.
Sorry!
Amy

It seems in line with the kind of email she sends (concentrating on herself and her feelings) so I tried to follow suit.

Let the family fireworks begin!! *deep breath*

Did I mention THANK YOU??? I really appreciate the confidence boost. I sometimes feel like my 3 immediate family members operate on a different set of rules than the rest of the world- so I appreciate your help following my OWN set of rules when dealing with them, rather than theirs!!!
 
Did I mention my parents moved from 10 miles away to 6 miles away from us a year and a half ago?? And my sister is 33 and just announced that this is the FIFTH time she has moved back in with her parents since she graduated from college! Wow.
 
Oh, Amy, I just love how you responded in your email. It was perfect to say that you don't feel comfortable having someone stay in your space. It's nothing personal to her and doesn't insult her in any way. Excellent! :D

-Nancy

P.S. Your post was very clear. ;)
 
You really have gotten some great advice. Be strong and remember...we choose our friends, not our relatives. I totally understand and wish you the best.
 
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. ;) I felt SO MUCH BETTER knowing everyone here thought it was okay for me to say NO.

DH said my email was "very politically correct" which I'm still laughing over. My sister hasn't responded, though, which I think is the real test. :eek:
 
Amy, I am so proud of you. I learned the hard way that boundaries are absolutely essential to happiness. :) It is frightening to speak out truthfully to put them into place but once you get started, it gets easier and easier. No! Say it often and absolutely every time your mouth starts formualting yes when your brain is saying no. There are times when it's okay to compromise a little but not when something is so important to you. Be happy, Amy. :)
Bobbi "Chicks rule!"http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/tiere/animal-smiley-032.gif
Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/linie/smiley-linie-008.gif
 
Great reply to her - direct and to the point. Very good! We're all so glad you didn't cave in to the pressure from your mother and sister! How DARE they - it's YOUR house! Could you just imagine if you had tried to pull something like that with your mother???!!!!!

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias ;-)
 
Amy, I really admire how honest you were. I was going to suggest saying, "Sorry, we already have other arrangements," but realized that is how I would deal with MY family - in other words, avoid dealing with them at all. It's really cool that you said what you wanted to say. :)

Good luck!

Marie
 
Wow - I'm actually shocked at the responses here. This is your SISTER you are talking about, not some random second cousin twice removed who's been in and out of prison..., and she's having personal troubles right now and could use a hand.

I wouldn't be surprised if you don't, in fact, hear back from her. Ever again. And I for one (and apparently the ONLY one, given the responses here so far, which still just boggles my mind), wouldn't blame her in the least. I'd also expect to take some heat from the rest of the family as well.

Wow.

m.
 
Well done, Amy. I think your email back was just right.

DH and I also have relatives that, though we love them dearly, there's no way we'd feel comfortable with them staying in our home for two weeks unsupervised. I agree with Bobbi that boundaries are key.

Take care.
 
I am going to give you my opinion without reading the above responses, because mine will be different.

My sister and I are also night and day, but I love her - I wouldn't want my sister staying at my house either, but I love her.

I am guessing your sister already has a whole lot on her plate that she is not sharing - and she already knows that you are not comfortable with her staying there - but I would offer her the house to stay at while you are gone. Clearly she is not comfortable staying at your mom's house and also not comfortable staying with her husband and really not comfortable asking you for help, but you are her family and she is turning to you for a favor - lay down the law for houserules and give her the support she is asking for - that is what I would do. Just my personal opinion......family is family - no matter how imperfect they are - they love you regardless of your faults and you love her regardless of hers.......
 
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