Need Advice: Very Sad OT

[kgalas]

Hi all, My name is Klaudia. I'm not a regular poster but I lurk every day and today I need your advice and counsel. My husband's stepfather passed away suddenly this morning. My two DD, ages 6 1/2 and 3 1/2 adored their grandpa. I don't know how to break the news to my older daughter, who by unfortunate circumstances has her long awaited dance recital tonight and tomorrow night and is anticipating everyone's attendance. Add to this that my grandpa is dying of terminal prostate cancer and we recently lost another close family member to cancer in April.

I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this horrible situation. She is a very percocious and sensitive child who shouldn't be going through such things at her age. How do I tell her? And do I let her attend her recital (as trivial as it may seem to us adults)? I would appreciate any advice anyone who may have gone through something like this can share.

My heartfelt thanks,
Klaudia

 

[onedayatatime]

Klaudia,
I'm so sorry for your loss and for your family. I'm sending prayers to you and yours and wishes of strength and courage during this tough time.

There's no easy way to tell kids.
quick thoughts;
1. Leave enough time to tell them, so it's calm and you have time to talk.
2. Make time everyday for awhile to talk.
3. Offer for your kids making a memory box: a shoes box, that they decorate, into which they can put scraps of paper or drawings or whatever has meaning to them into the box. It can "hold" their memories and help them know even really big, sad feelings can be contained.
4. Tell your own stories about Grandpa, as you feel up to it. Make it a topic that is free to discuss so the memory stays alive. It's a loss, but we can talk about it -- and talking helps.
5. Check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/03...488295/ref=sr_1_1/103-6548653-5697453?ie=UTF8
By Marc Brown, the creator of Arthur, which I think is really nicely done.
6. Re: the recital: leave it to her to say how she feels it would work best. If she wants to go, she should go and maybe you or your husband can go.If it isn't possible to do it though because of the family arrangements for the funeral:then that is a sad loss, but a part of life? That's a tough one.

In general, helping kids take active control over things in a situation that is big and overwhelming can really help.

My husband's father died when my kids were slightly younger. We did this kind of thing, had a family ceremony after the regular funeral and have a portion of our garden dedicated to Grandpa's memory (he loved gardening) and now with my kids ages 9&12, it seems they feel he is still part of our lives, as do we.

Good luck,
HTH and
Barb

 

[buffettgirl]

Klaudia, I'm so sorry for your saddness. I wonder if there are any books available for children at your local library that may help with the problem of losing a loved one. Unfortunately, death is part of life. I will keep your family in my prayers.

 

[JohnsWife]

You've gotten some great advice. The only thing I would want to add is that you may want to consider waiting to tell your daughter AFTER the recital is over. Let her enjoy the moment, I'm sure your step-father-in-law would want that for her.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[juststarting]

I am so sorry for your loss. Both of my kids have been through the same situation. They lost their grandma when they were 6 and 3, their great-grandma when they were 9 and 6, their close uncle 3 years ago and their close aunt just last August. Kids are stronger than we give them credit. We also spent a lot of time talking to them and answering a million questions. They both felt comfortable attending the service and understood what was going on. I would let your daugther do her recital if she wants to. You can let her know that Grandpa is watching from above and what a special gift she would be giving him (but this is only if she choose to attend the recital) I don't think she should be forced to go if she is too upset. I will keep you in my prayers!

Kate

 

[melodygirl]

I advise do not wait to tell your DD. She needs to make the decision regarding participating in or not participating in her recital. She will probably always have a feeling of regret that she went WITHOUT knowing about her grandfather's death if you do not tell her and just let her go on as nothing has happened. But I don't believe she'll regret knowing about his death first, then having a choice.

My oldest DS, now 25, dealt with my DH's mom's death on his 6th birthday. We told him immediately. He adored his granny, I've never seen a grandmother and grandson closer, and he was one of several young grandchildren. We had the usual great 6-year old birthday party planned for him. We were driving home from the hospital to prepare for the party, when we found out his grandmother had passed away (she was hospitalized with cancer). We talked with him immediately and he just said "I do not want to have a party. I want to think about granny. I want to remember her right now."

I firmly believe children handle life best with loving honesty. That having been said, you know your DD and we don't.

My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

 

[Miss Lee]

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer you, I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Bobbi]

I would be very gentle and very direct. She loves him dearly and she will understand. Tell her to dance for him. He would be so proud and know she is his dancing angel. Direct her sorrow into performing in his memory. I believe children have great sensitivity and it may make her evening more poignant if she is aware of his passage but holds him strongly in her heart. She will know that we carry on in deep mourning and we never really lose the ones we love, if we hold them in our hearts.

I am so sorry for your loss. Listen to your heart. Blessings.
Bobbi http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/cool/cool-smiley-028.gif

 

[kgalas]

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt words and prayers. I knew coming to the Cathe forums would ease my pain a bit. We are preparing to tell Danica as soon as my husband returns home. Her grandma already said she will be there tomorrow to support her, as will the rest of the family. It will be bittersweet, but we will manage. We have to.

Once again, thank you all and God bless,

Klaudia

 

[dianet]

Even though you have gotten great advice and it looks like you are going to tell her right away, I just wanted to reiterated want some others said about telling her before the recital and letting her decide. When I was little, my mother waited to tell me that my grandfather passed away because I was staying over at a friends house. I was a bit older than your daughter, but was still very young. I still remember to this day how angry and betrayed I felt that she didn't tell me the night before and didn't have me come home to be with the family while everyone else was grieving. I was off playing with my friends while the rest of the family was going through it together.