need advice on in-law issues please :)

[midwestchick]

Hello wise ones!

Ok, here's my dealio - tell me what you think of this situation:

My sil and bil live about 3 hours away from us. Our kids do well together, and we really get along well when we are together, etc. However, their lifestyle is a bit different than ours in that they are really into their social lives -- have parties every weekend (with kids there) or go to friends' houses to get together/drink. I'm not opposed to this - we can party with the best of them. The problem I have is that we don't like to do that EVERY weekend.

As families, we both camp. We usually get together a couple times each summer to camp. It's fun, the kids fish and play and we sit around the fire and drink. Yes, it's fun. BUT, we have some trips that we really want to do with just OUR family. It's an entirely different trip - reconnecting as a family, taking hikes, etc. They never do this, wouldn't dream of it (bil is kind of an ass around his kids, doesn't do much with his boys sadly enough other than yell at them...)

Well, my poor dh went to visit last weekend while I had the kids at my mom's for spring break. SIL asked my dh where we were camping, etc, and now she's wanting to know which campsites we'll be at at one particular camping trip. THis is a trip that I wanted to be just us since there will be lots of hikes.

I'm not confrontational, but I'm getting very resentful about her "glomming" on to all our trips. I think I need to just assert myself and tell her that this is one trip for just our family. I just fear she'll be so hurt because she just doesn't "get it". Every camping trip to them is an excuse to party, and ours aren't.

Am I being too sensitive and bitchy about this? What would you do? SHould I just be a nice SIL and suck it up and just be happy with "the more the merrier" approach?

Heidi

 

[NY25]

I say just be straight - this time is just you guys - end of story. If there is an issue, it's hers. No excuses or explanations necessary.

 

[melimcn]

I agree, just be straight. But you may not have to bring it up directly with her. Next time you see her - whether you start talking about it or she does - just start raving about how excited you are to take this trip by yourselves as a family and to have some time alone.

I would be blunt saying that there's a lot of fun to go with other people, but sometimes, getting away by yourselves is perfect. Etc, etc...
Make it very clear, rather than just dropping hints.

And if she continues down the path of asking details and you think she may try to join in, just ask her why she wants to know.
Then you can reference your earlier conversation about wanting to get away as just a family with no one else.

It's non-confrontational, but not terribly passive aggressive either.

 

[mrsmel]

I agree with the above posters. Feel free to explain to her that it's a family trip, but you don't need to. You have every right to have a family trip together without other parts of the family there. I know it's hard to draw those boundaries sometimes, but it's also appropriate. Good luck, I know for me I feel like we disappoint people when we say no to things like that, but I also know I enjoy the alone time with just my family and I don't regret that a bit.

anne

 

[midwestchick]

Thanks for the sage advice

I did call her tonight and made a lot of fun chit-chat for a while and got caught. We started talking about a different camping trip which we were doing together complete with pontoon boats and the like. She then brought up the one later and said the park office wouldn't tell her which site we got (thank goodness or she would have booked it already!) I just said "well, we kind of wanted that to be a trip for just us since we plan on doing a lot of hikes and outdoor stuff" She just said "oh, well Greg just mentioned it that you were going..." I just left it at that. I agree with one of you that I really shouldn't have to explain. I feel like I need to send her an e-mail now hoping she didn't take offense and explaining perhaps a bit more about how important it is to us to take trips by ourselves, but, maybe I won't. I shouldn't need to justify, just deal with it!

Hey, I'm 40 now and I just say whatever I want anymore. Getting more and more like dear old mom every day - don't we all?

Thanks for the advice and for listening --

Heidi