My baby died-----second opinion??

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
Well, very sad to report that there was no heartbeat found at my visit today. There really didn't look like much of a baby either---at one point the US tech said he thought he saw the "fetal pole" and I knew that wasn't good (not at 12 weeks).... I was just trying to process the information. The US tech did both abdominal and transvaginal US. He mentioned "blighted ovum" but then he also said that "looks like growth stopped at 6 weeks". Then he said, "I should usually be able to see a heartbeat here but there isn't one". Then he just said, "I'll get the NP so you can discuss what to do from here". So...not sure if I had a blighted ovum or a 6 week missed abortion. Not sure why I got conflicting information. It was surreal.

So....from here, ....wait for my body to take over or D&C. Hard to believe my body will take over naturally if growth stopped week 6 and I am now week 12, have had NO bleeding and NO loss of pregnancy symptoms. So, I will most likely opt for D&C. I don't want to be hungry every two hours for another month. I have already gained 7 lbs for nothing, apparently.

But I was reading on the net about some misdiagnosed cases of miscarriage and was wondering, maybe I should get a second US? I am not bargaining here, really, I just think I would feel better about D&C if someone else told me the same thing. I'd also like to know whether it was blighed or 6 weeks old, not that it matters now.:-(

I know now how common miscarriage really is and how it is nature's way and how you can go on and have healthy babies. For those of you that have had miscarriages.....did you seek out a second US?? And if so, how would I go about that at this point??

I just can't think of what else God can throw at me at this point. I sure hope he has his reasons.;( Hubby and I just never thought it would happen to us. You can bet next time I will demand an US much earlier. I feel like such a failure and am so, so sad. So many emotions.

Thank you all.
 
I have lost six babies myself, and I'm sorry to have to say that no second opinion is required. At 12 weeks, the doctor or tech and you would see a complete and moving body if your baby were living. If they only see a fetal pole, then development stopped a long time ago, and your body just doesn't know it. If it was a blighted ovum they would not see a fetal pole since a blighted ovum was never a true pregnancy. You will need a d&c to resolve this.

I am surprised that your doctor didn't do a sonogram sooner. Mine does them every two weeks until the 12th week so miscarriages are caught sooner rather than later. When I lost my last baby, everything was fine until I went for my 11 week check, and the sonogram revealed that my baby no longer had a heartbeat, and had probably died a few days earlier. I was still throwing up several times a day and was already in maternity pants. It was very hard to accept the d&c as I had always been able to miscarry on my own, but my body just didn't understand that the baby was gone. Don't be afraid of a d&c though. It is done under general anesthesia and only takes about 30 minutes. You will have a bit of bleeding and cramping for a few days afterward. It goes without saying that it is a very emotional procedure to have, and I cried a lot before they put me under. The nurses and my doctor were so kind and supportive both before and after.

You are not a failure, although I know just how you feel. It is hard to understand why we are given the trials we are given, but I know it's for a reason; a reason which may not be known to us for a very long time. I know this is such a sad and lonely time, and my heart goes out to you.

Natalie
 
I can only echo what Natalie has said. I've had 3 m/c and one fetal death at 17 weeks. My last m/c the doctor did have me get an US at a radiology place just to be certain(I was 8 weeks at the time). I was seeing a RE every week at that point since I've had so many problems in the past. She thought I would feel better with the second US--not that she needed it. I can tell you--I didn't. I had to sit and wait for over an hour and then sort of relive the whole "we can't find the heartbeat" experience again. I would think a misdiagnosis at 12 weeks is probably close to impossible.

I've had 2 'natural' m/c and 1 D & C(D & E with the fetal death). The D & C was better in that it gets it over with and they are able to actually see the tissue, etc. I did bleed a LOT more with the D & C though--but everyone is different.

I know how hard it is to understand why this would happen to you and I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a failure, but you're not. I'll keep you and your DH in my prayers. BIG ((((HUGS))))

Please feel free to come back to talk if you need to.
 
I also had 3 m/c's and one lost at 14 weeks. I had a d&c...They never discovered what happened. It is just a natural thing...but, that NEVER makes it easier when it happens to you.

I would do whatever makes you feel better. You can always have them evaluate the tissue (which they should do anyway if you have a d&c)

Also, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!! It was not meant to be in this way. Nothing failed here, as I learned that everything happens for a reason. (and, that reason is usually a good one) Also, you are entitled to grieve and to be sad. You had a loss, and the feelings that you are having are normal. I am so sorry this happened to you. You are in my prayers- take care of yourself right now. We are all here for you if you need us.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. But most importantly, as the previous posters have said, you are NOT a failure. Miscarriages are completely beyond anyone's control. I miscarried twice before this pregnancy - the first time I had a blighted ovum with no D & C, the second I was scheduled for a D & C and aborted on my own the night before. A second US really isn't necessary, but if it will put your mind at ease, go for it. And you're right, a D & C is your best option if your body hasn't gotten out of pregnancy mode after this much time has passed.

Really though, if you need help getting through the emotional roller coaster, make sure to seek it out. Talk to your friends, DH, the forum, etc. I know that after my first m/c I was very depressed - but didn't realize it until I was better. So -really, seek as much support as you need and be sure to get help if you need it. The important thing is to take great care of yourself now so that you will be ready for whatever comes next (maybe even a baby when the time comes!). And be patient with yourself.

Take care,
arancini
 
I am so sorry for you ladies. I pray for you all.

Something like this just happened to one of my best friends and she had the D&C.

She was also going through the emotions and I did my best to talk to her with encouraging words. I have never been through this myself so I cannot truely relate but I feel your pain.


Please take care.






"Life is short so be the best you can be every day of your life!"

"Running feels great for my soul!"

:) CHEETAH :)
 
Last year, I had a mc at 13 weeks and felt very devastated and aggrieved. Since I was dealing with a midwife, my first apppointment was not until then, and she discovered no heartbeat. (All along, I thought I was blissfully pregnant). The midwife drew blood over a period of two days and discovered that my pregnany hormone, while not dropping, was no rising the way it should be. She told me to prepare for miscarriage. I went away that weekend for a planned vacation and ended up spending 3 rain-sodden days holed up in a hotel because I felt so miserable. The day we drove back home, I started to spot and by the next morning, blood began. That evening, I had a three-hour period of contractions where I was passing the fetal material.

Do you know that even though I miscarried at 13 weeks, I have suspected that my baby probably met his demise in week 6 or 7? A psychic friend of mine felt the heart stopped beating then. I also spotted for an entire week from 6-7 weeks (brown, nothing red.) Made a few calls, but everyone assured me that it could be normal and that many women spot and go on to deliver. All of this said, I have no proof that the natural mc was delayed 6 weeks, but like your case, I think my body six weeks to realize there was a problem and respond. My mc, while natural, was long and protracted. I bled for nearly two months. I transferred to an oby/gyn by then who scheduled ultrasounds to make sure no fetal tissue was trapped. She put me on progesterone a couple of times. I was opposed to the D&C because my body seemed to be performing the function (albeit slowly) and I didn't want to risk scarring at my age. I had no children at the time, my age was advanced, and my husband and I would TTC again. The clock was really ticking for me.

Don't feel that you're a failure. MC is a shockingly common experience for women. It is no reflection on you at all. 1 in 5 known pregnancies end in MC. Also, I read another surprising finding. Researchers actually think that 80 percent of all pregnancies might end in mc. Most of these pregnancies are never even detected by the woman at all because they occur quickly and then the woman menstruates either on schedule or a little late that month. So please, it is not your fault at all. Do not add blame to the grief that you are inevitably experiencing. My heart goes out to you during this time of losing your baby. It is a deep, deep loss, and I pray for your healing.
Manmohini
 
Thanks everyone. I know it's pretty hard to miss a 12 week old fetus on US. It just irks you...."what if". There are stories on the net of 12 week old fetus' being missed. But you never know what you are reading, I know.

At the very least, I have to go back in and have it reexplained to me. My husband and I aren't clear about anything, I think we were just so shocked. I thought maybe I could look at the US scans. I don't know. Something before the D&C. But I think I am going to have the D&C stat. I don't think it is going to happen naturally and honestly I don't think I want to see it either. Then I can move on.

You are all such strong women. Dealing with four, five, six miscarriages, I really don't think I could do it. I know I have all the support I need here but will search for a physical support group too. I know I need to take care of myself and make sure this doesn't push me off the edge.

Thanks again.:D
 
I am so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) If you feel like you need another ultrasound to make yourself more sure of your decision, please do it. I have experienced one case personally (I am an RN) of a woman who came into have a D&C, had an ultrasound immediately prior to the procedure, and a heartbeat was found. However, I think she was much earlier into her pregnancy and the dates were off. So, you are right it does happen. I agree with the other ladies, though, at 12 weeks it is very unlikely. So, I guess my point is, if you are at all in doubt, go ahead and double check.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
 
So sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are a tough thing to deal with. I had a missed miscarriage discovered at 11 weeks and ended up taking some meds to speed up the procedure of passing whatever was left in my uterus. If you feel more comfortable, get another u/s from your dr. in a few days. We got another u/s as well as bloodwork drawn and both pointed to a miscarriage. My dr. believes in never ruling out a pregnancy so she does all the double checking before concluding it's a miscarriage.

Sorry for your loss and hope you have a successful pg in the near future.

Lisa
 
I'm so sorry to hear your news of loss, it's devastating. I've had a natural miscarriage but not a D&C. A D&C can be scary and emotional, but one advantage, as you and others have mentioned, is that with a D&C they remove all the tissue. When I had my MC it was an incredibly emotional time -- I cried every single time I went to the ladies room, I felt like I was literally flushing our baby down the toilet. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

Take care of yourself physically and emotionally, try to get some support by joining a Maternal Loss Group. Talking to other women who've been through this can be incredibly helpful - believe me, no one else will understand or even grasp a fraction of what you are feeling. Many may come off as quite cold by telling you you'll get pregnant again, as though this child was disposable or replaceable in some way -- it can be extremely painful to hear these supposed words of "comfort" from friends and family. This baby was and still is an object of love and hope for you and your husband, and 100% real to you. But most people don't get how this loss may make you both feel cheated, robbed, or even responsible in some way -- though there's nothing either of you could have done to prevent it.

If you want to find a local group to talk to here's a link:
http://www.obgyn.net/women/loss/loss.htm

For now, here's an article that might be helpful in some way:
http://www.ivf.com/misc.html

Again, I'm so sorry that this happened. Please use this board if you need any support, so many of us have experienced what you're feeling and it really does help to have people to talk to about it.

Hugs to you,
Steph
 
Hi Janice,
I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. You have went through some very tough times lately. I don't even know what to say. I will be keeping you in my thoughts. You and I are so alike, I feel like you are my twin sometimes. When I say that, I mean that so many of your posts have sounded just like something I would say or ask. You are definitely not a failure, please don't even think that way. Not sure what to say except I will be thinking of you and hoping that you feel better soon. I am so sorry that life has been so hard on you the last 2 years. I have found that when life is the hardest that sometimes it has a huge reward for you just around the corner. I know that sounds corny, but it has been true for me. Hang in there my friend.
Lisa
 
I am so very sorry for your loss and for what you and your husband are going through right now. I will be thinking of you. ((Hugs))
 
Thank you everyone.

Lisa- sometimes there is a huge reward around the corner. I just thought this was *THE* corner, you know?? I have read of your struggles as well and yes you are right we have much in common! It is really comforting for me to know that someone really pays attention, listens, and cares. Thank you.

Well, UPDATE: I had my D&C today. Very uneventful, really. I feel pretty OK. I did go back to my OB on Wed. They understood my confusion and my need to "hear it again". They even did another ultrasound for me and really explained everything. It helped so much. PLUS-she gave me an US pic of the baby. Some would say that is morbid but it is all I have, so I am very grateful now. Since Monday I have been reading, reading, reading about miscarriage and grief, etc, really letting everything sink in. Even with the procedure today I feel I am doing better. I am very proactive in working through my grief so maybe that helps. Seems like lately I have had a lot of experince in WHAT TO DO after death. I have grieved many things in the recent past so I know the feelings.

I also even went to see a counselor and booked up with her, even if it is just someone to talk to. I don't want to be put back on meds and I know the hormone plummet is coming so I felt seeking additional support was prudent. I am actually going to go see her a few times a week initially, to stabilize. I did get the whole "you are depressed" thing again but hopefully I can not slip any further and manage my symptoms drug free. I am going to order the new Cathe tapes (YEAH), try to get back in shape, lose the extra #'s, and focus on healing. And.....maybe even try for another baby. I don't feel the urgency some feel with that though just because I know that the only way out of intense grief is THROUGH it. No new baby will ease the pain of losing this one. My mom is going to help me make a memorial plaque with the ultrasound pic and hopefully that will be very therapeutic and healing for me. And hubby. He has been so great, I am truly blessed.

I'd love to read success stories about women who went on to conceive healthy babies soon after a miscarriage so if you all have stories or know where I can find any...shoot away. I am really looking for something positive right now!!:)

Thank you so much for the support and understanding. Although I did not address each and every one of you that replied, I am forever grateful.

Janice
 
Janice,
I am so sorry for your loss! That totally stinks and is not fair! I will keep you and your familiy in our prayers. {{hugs}} {{hugs}}. Unfortunately, you are not alone. There is a tremendous amount of support right here on Cathe forum. Use us, we are all in this together. ;)

~Melanie~

Jadon born 11/23/05
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94
 
Janice,

It sounds like you're doing really well taking care of yourself both mentally, emotionally and physically. That's going to help you get through this and I love that you have a photo of your baby, that's so awesome, I wish I had that. The plaque sounds like a wonderful way to honor his or her life and memory. I'm glad you're not rushing to replace this little being, your time will come.

I have a success story for you. My friend got pregnant with her second last fall, at her her 10 week scan they did not find a heartbeat. She began miscarrying and was in the midst of a move into a new home. She was busy setting things up, the holidays, etc. By January/February she still hadn't gotten a period after miscarrying, since I had had one myself I told her that it takes time.

We met in February for our movie night and I told her about my possible pregnancy and I noticed that she was quiet and wearing a big sweater...I suspected she was pregnant too. A few weeks later she admitted that she thought she was but was unsure about it and didn't want to steal my thunder with her own news. Well, about a month later she went for an official blood test thinking they'd tell her she was 3 months along - she was bigger and thought she might be carrying twins. They found that she was 5 months pregnant!! Yep. She was stunned. This meant that she became pregnant literally the next month after her miscarriage.

After her initial shock wore off she was bummed that she missed the earliest signals and admitted that when she suspected, she avoided another 10 week scan b/c the last one was so traumatic.

She's due tomorrow!!! :)

Her baby is healthy and she's doing looking wonderful and doing incredibly well despite a major heatwave here.

So, hang in there and don't give up hope. Sometimes things happen on their own timing and when you least expect them too.

Take good care of yourself,

Steph
 
Janice,

I posted earlier that I have lost six babies, but I wanted to let you know (now that you're wanting to hear it) that I had two healthy babies as well. My daughter is 7, and my son is 6. Now I have days where I say to myself, "Why did I want this?!" :)

All I can tell you is look to the future with hope. From years of disappointment I can tell you that it's so easy to get bogged down with dispair for the baby you don't have in your arms yet. I so wish I could go back and do things differently. I wish I had enjoyed the years alone with my husband more instead of focusing so much on getting and staying pregnant. I realized one day that it was completely out of my hands- I was trying to control something that was all in God's hands. I laid down a very heavy burden that day. It took 5 miscarriages to get there! I was a different woman when I went through the sixth miscarriage, which was a blessing because I lost my ability to bear any more children with that one. I still cry sometimes for those babies whose heartbeats I heard and whose perfect little bodies I saw on the sonogram. I miss them and wonder what they would have been like. And that is okay.

Take care,
Natalie
 
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