Mothers-would you EVER say this?

B

bestoutwest

Cathlete
I don't have children, so I can't speak from experience.

Here's the story: This girl is a co-worker of mine, she's 24 and all she's ever wanted in her whole life is to have a baby (seriously, this comes directly from her). She was married and then divorced at 19. She re-married at 22 and just had a baby girl in October. The baby has been sick off and on, doesn't sleep well, has been to the doctor at least once a week. Part of this is her mother. This girl is a bit (or a lot) of a hypochondriac, has had more medical bills, health complaints in the past 3 years that she has worked here than I have had my whole entire 37 years! So, most often when she takes the baby to the doctor, they tell her that the baby is healthy. Just yesterday, the mom was complaining that the baby hasn't slept well for the past 4 nights and that she wanted to "throw her up against the wall to shut her up". Now, as I said before, I don't have kids, I have never been kept awake at night by anything other than a crying puppy, so I don't know how others feel. Another co-worker here said that she, too, thought of doing horrible things to her kids when they were little, but of course she never did anything!!

Now, I have never even had those types of horrible thoughts about my worst enemies. I can't imagine having them about your own children. Am I wrong, or does this seem odd to anyone else? Now, I don't think she would actually hurt the baby, since this is what she has lived her whole life for, but I don't think these thoughts are healthy. What do you think?
 
I am not a mother either, but i have raised 2 of my younger brothers. I can say that when you are exhausted from no sleep and your nerves are shot from constant crying and sleep deprivation and absolutely no reprive, the mind tends to go a bit nuts. this is probably not abnormal, but a bit horrifying that she said it outloud....know what i mean?


jes:eek:
 
Edie,

My 30 year old was colicky her first year. I must admit, there were times I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to throw her against the wall but I actually had to leave the house a go outside in the yard a couple of times because I was so upset and had to get away from the screaming.

The hypocondria she is experiencing may be a defense mechanism she's using to keep her anxiety in check.
 
She needs some help herself!! I am sorry but even with 3 kids and none that slept through the night before 11 months (and that was my earliest one) I would never NEVER consider hurting them in order to get some sleep!!:eek: Sleep is something you just learn to live with less of when you have little ones. It does get better and I can assure you that now that mine are 8,10 and 12 that they are sleeping wonderfully through the night and I get a full nights' sleep now.

I think the mother is not handling the pressures of motherhood and career very well and needs to seek some professional help herself. She needs to enjoy this baby and not spend so much time worrying. Sounds too like she is crying out for attention with all her medical problems. Is her dh supportive? Does he help her? I would certainly hope so.

And again NO other mothers don't necessarily think bad thought about or towards their kids.
 
My first son was colicky too for his first year. You do get very upset when they just cry all the time. I never wanted to do him any harm though. I would just have to take a breather for a few minutes. None of my 3 sons would sleep through the night until a year old. My youngest who just turned three in March still doesn't sleep through the night. He doesn't take naps either and he hasn't since about age 2 (just before that actually). It is hard but I love my boys to pieces and would NEVER do anything to hurt them.
 
My oldest son cried 21 hours a day slept only 3hrs and could only be quieted down if you stood in the shower with him. He liked that. His father worked in Germany Mon-Fri and only came home on weekends. After about 6 months I once kind of roughly put him in his crib, closed the bedroom door, closed the living room door, turned up the volume on the tv, turned on the vacuum cleaner and went out on the balcony and closed the door behind me. And just stood there for a while.

Next day I went looking for help cause I couldn't cope with the crying anymore. I can very well understand where mothers come from that say such things. Most don't mean it, they just express their frustration and helplessness. Cause believe me, nothing sounds worse then a baby crying for hours and hours on end and there's nothing you can do to make it stop.

Dutchie
 
Exactly. there's a world of difference between thinking and doing. A lot of mothers do, in fact, at some point contemplate "getting rid of the damn baby!£!£%!£$%~@$!^%%^$%^*%^&", but only the tiniest percentage follow through in it.

There is a point when kids are very young where you are stretched too thinly and you may think such things. I never said them out loud and love my daughters to pieces, but that doesn't mean there wasn't a time when my daughter was so needy I couldn't have @!£^$*^$%$£$%^£%$£!! her!

Clare
 
I had an extremely fussy baby who cried constantly and would only take 10 minute catnaps for the first few months. I had her to the doctor every other day because I was sure there was something medically wrong with her. Finally they just sat me down and said, "Lois, she's just fussy." I had a 2 1/2 year old and DH was traveling to Australia for weeks at a time. I never said anything like that Mom, but I have to admit I thought it.

Dutchie, I had one very bad day also when I roughly put her in her crib, shut the door and went and cried in the shower. It scared me that I had done that and I never did it again. It turned out that as she became more and more mobile that she was less and less fussy. I think she was frustrated by not being able to do things.

Now she is an extremely bright 9 year old, still doesn't sleep a lot and is very strong-willed. I saw it coming from the beginning.

Oh and she didn't sleep through the night until she was 3 1/2!
--Lois

"Don't forget to breathe!"
 
Lois, that happened with my son, as he could do more and more, like stand up and walk (he walked at 7 months by himself and skipped the crawling phase!), it went a little better. I also believe he was very frustrated that he couldn't do whatever it was he wanted to do. Then his dad was home more, so it wasn't just my responsibility anymore. He's 14yo now and still needs little sleep through the week ;-) But he crashes on the weekends ;-)

Dutchie
 
Offer her some help?

Edie,

Our daughter was colicky, screamed & cried violently from 11PM to 4AM. Then she got non-stop ear infections and cried all night. My husband and I traded every other night not sleeping for 2 years. It is unbelievably draining to do this night after night, month after month, and never know if it will end. It's amazing that such a small creature can bring two full-grown adults to their knees.

I was (and still am) amazed at the lack of support we got. We explained to family members & friends how exhausted we were and in the entire 2 years only once did someone spell us overnight - my mother-in-law. We never got any offers to babysit to allow us a dinner or evening together.

One of my old teachers invited me & my baby daughter over, took one look at the bags under my eyes and said "here, I'll take her, you just go take an hour for yourself". I'll never forget that. I went to a nearby shopping mall, sat down and cried.

Have you or your co-workers ever considered lending a hand? It sure sounds lke your co-worker doesn't get much support. Is her husband around? She seems young too. If you don't feel comfortable babysitting you should certainly suggest that she ask her friends/family for regular overnight breaks.

I think she *is* crying for help. And I'll bet nobody is giving her any, that's why she is saying such desperate things.

Dawn P.
 
when I had my first, I was ready to jump off a bridge. The crying never stopped - he never slept at night and I had a horrible time breast feeding. I dried up and didn't know and one night, he cried all night long and woke me up every 20 mins. every time I felt like I was falling asleep, I heard him cry! Do that every night for 2 months and tell me you'll still be sane!

Becoming a new mother is very trying - you've just given birth, your hormones are whacked and the baby doesn't stop crying. you just want to sleep but can't! Its very difficult.

However, if she is thinking about harming her baby she needs to get help. Post partnum depression is common but in 1% of cases it can lead to post partnum psychosis and be very dangerous - to mother and baby.

Maybe ask her if she has spoken to her doctor about how she feels or, ask her if she can get some help from time to time to give her a break?!
 
RE: Offer her some help?

My second son cried all the time, especially at night a couple hours before bed. My husband and I would trade holding him, walking with him, soothing him.

Personally I don't think it's a natural statement to say that you want to throw your baby against the wall. Yes, of course you get frustrated but that is a little extreme to me.

I will play mock psychologist and analyze this woman who is constant need of attention and love. Number one, her overwhelming desire to have a child at such a young age, and secondly, her hypochondria and constant visits to the doctor. A lot of times hypochondriacs were neglected as children.

Lori
 
DawnP

I feel your pain. At least your husband helped. I had to cope on my own because my ex-husband thought our daughter was my job.

It often astounds me when women have several children. I think, "Evidentely, their other children were easy". I just couldn't go through it again.
 
RE: Offer her some help?

I think we all have had those "moments" with our little ones at one time or another, but I have never, ever even thought of anything remotely close to that remark this person made. She needs some kind of help, it seems to me she lacks maturity to handle this responsibility and her reactions merit some intervention by family, etc. I am wondering if she has the maturity to know to "walk away" from this kind of moment or if she will just react to it. That is what worries me.
 
RE: Offer her some help?

If I ever thought such a horrible thing I wouldn't say it out loud. What I remember from my children's crying as babies is that I would have done anything for them if it would make them stop crying, or if I just knew why they were crying. Stand on my head, ANYTHING. But I never thought I wanted to do somethem to THEM.
 
I think she needs to be evaluated by her OB/GYN or a psychiatrist for post-partum depression. My sister had it and it was very, very scary. She had to go on medication and someone had to be with her at all times for a while. The medication really helped and she was able to care for the baby within a short period of time. When she had her 2nd child, she made a decision to forego nursing and go on the medication as soon as she had delivered the baby. She still had a hard time but it was in the normal range. She decided that she could be a better mother this way and that was more of a priority than nursing.

--Lois

"Don't forget to breathe!"
 
If you think about it, saying it out loud is not such a bad thing. Holding in thoughts like this is what makes people even sicker.

1) It relieves some of the anxiety of holding it in.

2) When you say something horrible like that out loud, it probably sounds ridiculous in your own head.

3) It could be a cry for help.
 
To answer a couple of questions, first of all, her husband is a total dink IMO. He is not very supportive at all. I think they were both too immature to have a baby, but especially him. She works only 2 days a week and is a full-time mom otherwise. Her family is in PA, so she doesn't have much support except people here at work. Others have offered to watch the baby, etc. but she just turns them down. She was on antidepressants for post-partum depression even before she had the baby and up until about a month ago. Perhaps she needs to go back on them. Like I said before, I don't think she would actually do anything to the baby, but I do think she needs some help. Thanks for all your responses. I think I will talk to her on Friday when she works again and see if there is something else wrong or if there is anything we can do to help her. Worse part of this whole thing, she plans to get pregnant again in August!! This is all part of her plan for the perfect family - can't have the kids too far apart!
 
Edie,

Perfect family???

She has issues. More issues than anything you or friends can do for her. She needs therapy or she may implode. Remember the Texas woman that killed her children after she kept having them and couldn't cope???!!!!

I don't think I would touch this.
 
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