Miscarriage Anxiety--how to cope?

M

Manmohini

Cathlete
Any advice would be appreciated. As of right now at 7 months, I have no good reason to fear miscarriage, and things seem to be going fine. My first pregnancy last year ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks. The whole time I was pregnant, I was dewy, innocent, and thrilled, but things also seemed to be going fine then too (although I did have spotting at 7 weeks). Many people at the time assured me that as long as it was brown and unaccompanied by cramping, I was probably okay. I decided not to worry. In my naivete, I never imagined anything really serious could go wrong, and when it did, I never would have guessed how devastating it could be.

This time around, I find myself trying to remain detached from the pregnancy, trying not to get excited or build expectations. It almost seems unreal to me sometimes that it might work. Of course, I would like for it to work since because of my age, I doubt I'll be trying for pregnancy again. I'll be working with a midwife, and she doesn't see women until 10 weeks. I hate to go down the road of the medical model (test after test, hospital birth), but sometimes I wonder if there is something I should be doing in the meanwhile before 10 weeks. You ladies out there who have been through miscarriage and then have felt uneasy during a subsequent pregnacy, please let me know how you coped with that uneasiness. I am really just trying to sit back and surrender to my destiny as hard as that is sometimes.
Manmohini
 
I'm so sorry you went through that. I just miscarried back in November. I know that if I were pregnant again, I would feel the same anxiety.


Is there any way you could possibly choose a different doctor who will see you sooner? There is one near me that takes blood counts and will see you earlier more like around 5 weeks. I'm going to pick that doctor if I get pregnant again.


I just want you to know that you have my prayers that everything will be okay.
 
I will be 7 weeks tomorrow and know exactly how you feel. I have had 2 miscarriages in the past year and a half - one at 6 weeks, another at 9 weeks. My best advice to you would be, as pp suggested, to see another doctor right away.

With my second pregnancy (that miscarried) and my current one, I went in and had my hcg levels checked 3 times right after my positive pregnancy test to make sure my levels were doubling every 48 hours. They also checked my progesterone levels. Yesterday I had some brown spotting, which is how my other 2 losses began, so my doctor had me in for an ultrasound - and I got to see that everything was okay - a heartbeat and everything! After you see a heartbeat, depending upon the sophistication of the machine, your odds of a healthy pregnancy go up to 90%. Without that knowlege, I would be losing my mind.

Since you are 7 weeks, you should be able to find a dr. willing to do an ultrasound now, with your history of loss. Even though I am not a fan of having millions of tests done, etc. it really has helped me through my anxiety.

Also, you may want to look at the forums on ovusoft.com - a forum related to the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Somebody from this forum pointed it out to me after my 2nd loss and it was a great help at that time.

Best wishes for a happy and healthy 9 months!
arancini
 
Thanks Arancini and Dani. Writing the original post and hearing from the two of you (and also a friend of mine who works at a birth center in Dallas) has helped me to make the decision about healthcare that has been troubling and paralyzing me for the last two weeks. I had an HCG test done at about 4 1/2 weeks, and my gynecologist said HCG levels were nice and high. I cancelled a sono two days later because I had misgivings about it, and nobody bothered to explain to me why I needed it. Also, at the time I was thinking I would rather receive my care through a birth center in another town (Wichita,Kansas is horribly backward and devoid of alternative health care options). I have decided against this even though this birth center is everything I am looking for. But it is 2 hours away--which means if some problem arises, I might find myself in the hands of a stranger in an emergency room. That is not a prospect I would welcome.

Just this afternoon I decided to go back to my gyno and make clear my desire for a natural birth, yes even in the hospital. This way I can get the benefit of any early testing, since midwives don't do any of this generally until 10 weeks. Next week, I'll probably have some kind of test--whether sono-- to test for heartbeat, or blood--to test for progesterone levels, which frankly I'm a little concerned about. I hate to resort to all of this testing, but maybe as Arancini says, that's the only way to get some piece of mind. Right now, every time I go to the bathroom, I live in dread that I will see brown on the toilet paper.

Oh, and Arancini, I am exactly 7 weeks today (which means that we are at the same point). Let's keep in touch. My prayers with you for a happy (and anxiety free!) nine months. It sounds like this one will be a winner for you.


Manmohini
 
hi manmohini,

my heart goes out to you.. i'm at 6 wks and i try not to think about MC (i can't even type it) but i'm 35 so i have the same anxiety. my first ultrasound is 2 wks from now and i am counting the moments until then!

i think testing is the only way to ease your mind. you need to reduce your stress, and test results will help you do that.

stay well and please let us know how you progress. best wishes to you and your baby!
 
Thank you for your support. Funny, but I hate to say or think the dreaded "m" word too. I'm 42, so this is it for me. Last year before I miscarried, the only pregnancy symptoms I had were tender breasts and sleepiness. This year, I have them all--constant nausea, constipation, frequent urination--You name it. I feel like crap pretty much all the time. But I'm grateful to being seeing more symptoms than last time around. Still, I have a sono scheduled for next Tuesday, and I pray it turns out well.
Manmohini
 
My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. It was devastating and yes it impacted my pregnancy experience with the 3rd. I don't know exactly how you feel but I can identify with the "dewy, innocent, and thrilled" descriptions of that first pregnancy. After the miscarriage, that naivete and innocence were gone for me.

How to cope? Take it one day at a time and know that you can handle what comes your way. For me, it was step by step. I had my first u/s before my period was late (I am HPT addict and began testing 7 DPO). I kept going back every 2 weeks until the heartbeat. So, I saw the week-to-week changes. The doc was monitoring my progesterone and HCG levels too. Unfortunately, I am an OB nurse so there was no relief once I hit X number of weeks because of my experience. I was not relaxed until I delivered but of course that was followed by the new baby worries.

It did help when I could track fetal movement. That was reassuring.

I am adding you and baby to my prayer.

Keep us posted!
Autumn
 
I know it's easier said than done, but this is one of my favorite verses:

I am not anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I present my requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7

God does not give us a heart of worry, but a heart of joy.

I will keep you in our prayers for a safe and JOYFUL pregnancy. Congrats!!

~Melanie~

Jadon born 11/23/05
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94
 
I am also sorry to hear about you lost. It is very hard to go through a miscarriage. Unfortunatly, we have no control over mother nature and the way she works. The best thing is just to pray for a healthy pregnancy and everything goes alright. I MC'ed 3 monthes ago and was devastated. I am pregnant again and i am only 4 weeks. Everyday i pray that i dont have to go through that again. Regaurdless of how many HCG tests you have or ultrasounds isnt going to change the chance of a MC. Goodluck with everything. I will keep you in my thoughts

melissa
 
<<Regaurdless of how many HCG tests you have or ultrasounds isnt going to change the chance of a MC.>>

This is true but for some of us it helps us get through each day. My pregnancy loss could have been diagnosed much earlier, and yes I would have preferred medical intervention earlier rather than later (10 weeks post-conception). BUT, that is just me and each woman is different and must choose what is best for her.
 
Manmohini,

I'm glad you were able to make an u/s appointment - I think it will ease your mind to see how things are progressing. It's so funny that I am only a day behind you :)

There are places you can rent dopplers from for either $25 or $45/month (reg. vs. digital). I think the site is something like bellybeats.com (if you google it, I'm sure you'll be able to find it). I haven't decided yet if I will rent one - I'll see how the next few weeks go - but some insurance companies will only pay for "medically necessary" ultra sounds, so you may be stuck with only 2 the whole pregnancy and only a monthly visit to your ob. For me, every extra bit of knowledge makes me feel better, so that's why I may consider one. I actually read about them while ttc, so that I would be prepared to take action if my worries began to get the better of me. Since you are over 35 your ob may be able to declare more check-ups medically necessary - so you may want to find out when you go.

Keep us posted on how things turn out - I have my next appointment on Wednesday with another u/s, too. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you ... and toes ...


arancini
 
be careful getting to many ultrasounds.. there are doctors who caution against it because the technology heats tissue and it could be harmful to the fetus..
 
Thanks ladies for all of your kind and wise words. It's true that nothing can stop a miscarriage--no amount of testing and intervention. And actually, as devastating as the experience can be, I wouldn't want to stop one in the end. Also, as one of you mentioned, to dispel anxiety, I search for realization in words of my scripture--the Bhagavad Gita. Easier said than done, of course, but I'm working on surrender to the Supreme Lord where all anxiety is like fog burned off by the morning sun. I am also averse to test after test, but given my protracted and late miscarriage last year and the lack of decent midwifery or alternative care in my area, I have softened a bit in my position. Last pregancy, I never went near a doctor, a chemical, a bad food, etc., but unfortunately at 12 weeks, when the midwife wanted to see me, I had just begun the miscarriage. I was blindsided by this, so a forewarning would have helped.

Anyways, I did go for a sono the other day, and the baby's heart is beating in the normal fetal heart rate zone, the pregnancy looks normal so far, and the baby is positioned in a good place in my uterus. Much to my relief, I am not carrying twins although I would gladly have taken whatever the good Lord gave. Thank you all for your prayers. Of course, it's not over. I'll feel better once I get over the first four months. As somebody mentioned, then a whole new set of worries comes in. But at least I haven't been burned by those in the past, so I won't feel as anxious.

It's funny, but just before I got pregnant in February, I was beginning proceedings to adopt a child from India. I had not been TTC very long (started after 40), but I didn't want to push it much beyond age 42. So here I am now 8 weeks pregnant. It was such a blessing to see the little dear's heart beating the other day. I just pray that he or she takes whatever nourishment that is needed from my body--even if it makes me sick.
Manmohini
 
I hope your anxieties are lessening as you continue to progress towards 12 weeks. I had a miscarriage last week and I am doing fine. I was kinda ready for it as I was being monitored every week. I said to myself "If it is meant to be then it will be". That was my mantra for 8 weeks.
-K
 
K--
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It sounds as if you were more emotionally prepared for yours than I was for mine. Still, it is a painful loss. I remember feeling devastated.

I am 11 weeks now, but I've been much more detached this time around, thinking, as you wisely did, "if its meant to be it will be." I haven't thought about names, looked at a baby mag, or bought a thing. I'm waiting until four months before I allow those activities. Right now, I have the wait and see approach.
Manmohini
 
Manmohini,
First off, congrats on being 11 weeks preggers! I just found out that I'm preggers (5 weeks) and am very nervous/cautious since I MC at this time last year (8 weeks). I'm excited about the thought, but I'm also afraid to get any mags or books yet. I've told no one, but my online friends and Mom, this time around. I wish I could enjoy it more at this point too, but I feel it's just too early. I'll take it day by day and hope for the best. I do have my first appt at 8 weeks, so should get an u/s as well, hoping it's not too early for a hb.

Have you been to have an u/s yet?

Anne
 
Anne,
Yes, I know how it is to refrain from indulging in magazines and baby preparations. I've remained curiously detached this time around to protect myself. Although I take good care of myself, I have tried not to think much about the pregnancy and just let time slip by as it will. Yesterday, I began my 16th week. I have an appointment Monday morning, and I'm thinking that if all goes well at this appointment, I might start believing more in this pregnancy and telling a few people. I'm beginning to bulge and I can't get my pants snapped, so the other day I bought a couple of pg shirts. The whole time I was in the store, I just kept thinking to myself, "I hope I'm not being premature; Maybe I should wait a few more weeks before I allow myself to buy these clothes." Soon, I will have to drop this self-protective mechanism and bond with the baby within.

I had my first ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks, and there was a heartbeat, so you may be able to hear one when you go. At few weeks later--week 11--when the nurse practioner couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, I grew anxious (feeling as if I were reliving the nightmare of a year ago); The nurse sensed my anxiety and sent me to the sono room where the heartbeat was quickly detected.

Yesterday, a good friend of mine who is 38 and has been TTC called with the excitement that she is newly pregnant. I am so happy for her and her husband. They have told everyone and even published it in the community newsletter. The husband especially has been wanting children for a long time. I just prayed that all would go well with her this first trimester.

Last night when I came home, there was a message on my machine from her husband and he sounded grave and wanted me to call. My heart sunk. Right away, I turned to my husband and said, "Oh no, I hope she's not spotting." Well, it turns out she was, and he and she were full of anxiety. I talked to them about how spotting--especially if it's brown and not accompanied by cramping--doesn't always forebode miscarriage. Still, I am very much worried for them and do not want them to have to go through that heartbreak. I did not tell them that before I had my miscarriage at 12 weeks, I spotted for an entire week during the 7th week. In retrospect, I think that in my case the spotting probably was indicative of some problem. My sister, however, reassured me that she spotted and went on to deliver a healthy baby girl.

Anyways, just as I am begining to get over my own fear of miscarriage this time around, I find myself entertaining the same fear for my friends. Once you've been through a grisly miscarriage (as you know), it is hard to have that dewy, thrilled, innocent attitude toward pregnancy.

My prayters and best wishes to you for a good appointment. I have heard somewhere that once the hb is detected on a sono, it lowers your chances of miscarriage to 3%. Someone might want to correct me on this if I'm mistaken. I think it is a good idea to just bide your time, and then soon enough --6 more weeks--you can tell the world.
Manmohini
 
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