Marriage update

lrhollid

Cathlete
Update since last post. I decided to make an appointment last week with a marriage counselor and made the mistake of telling my husband. I was very careful not to be confrontational and said there were some things I needed to work on and wasn't happy about, and wanted to fix before they got out of hand. No fingerpointing. Things seem to get better after that. DH was helping around the house, and he seemed to be happier and less negative than usual. Until last night when he confronts me out of the blue to ask if I'm cheating on him!!!! When I tell him 'no', he says he wants to trust me but is disappointed in my reaction....conversation continues. I tell him I'm very unhappy without saying 'it's you're fault' or anything close. He then tries to corner me about having kids, something I'm scared to death of, and he knows this. I tell him I don't feel like we've talked about that, and he gets angry. We've talked about how to raise children, but not about things like how we're going to handle dividing up childcare-- he'll never give me a straight answer. I think he's hoping that I'll quit my job to stay home (I've been in school for 12 years and am getting ready to graduate-- he wants to have kids next year....) At that point he accuses me of stringing him on.

Sigh. I was up all night, and I'm not sure what to do. I feel numb today, and am not hopeful this can be fixed. There's just too much to know where to start, and it's frustrating. He's just not someone I can talk to about this... I love him, but I don't think I can keep living with him.

Sorry to keep posting depressing messages:(

L
 
I am so, so sorry this is going on for you. I think you are right in contacting a marriage counselor. It is a great idea, however, it does not seem to me like he can handle it. Seems like he is taking his frustration and forcing you into a defensive position. I strongly advise against children at this juncture. You need to focus on this situation first. See if it something you both feel is workable or not. Lots of ((((hugs))) and please keep us updated.


"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"


Debbie
 
L,

I know it's rough but you are doing the best you can. Hopefully, the counselor will help you sort things out. You are very wise and self aware. Do what's best for YOU!
 
Is he willing to work on the relationship at all?

DH and I really had our struggles even when we both were trying to work on things. I don't know if we would hve made it if he wasn't willing to try. I think I would have just given up then.

I do think a counselor can be very helpful in trying to sort things out. But I also think he needs to learn to participate in some shape or form at some point. DH and I started by doing the Marriagebuilders Emotional Questionnaire and it was so eye opening for both of us. Just slightly changing how we showed love for each other helped tremendously.

((HUGS)) I spent so many sleepness nights confused and feeling helpless and alone. Hang in there! It sounds like you are on the right path.

Colleen
 
Hi there,

When is your appointment with the counselor? I think that you really need that person to be your ear and give you some guidance. It sounds like there are issues that need prioritizing and that you are overwhlemed. Your husband needs to be involved with being truthful and honest about the issues, but it needs to start wiht you, for yourself, making some tough decisions and creating a plan of action.

Secondly, kudos to you for reaching out for help! Your husband is luckier than he thinks that his wife is attacking these issues head on before they get out of control.

I am sorry :( This sucks near the holidays. Try to get some sleep and not let it totally affect you, although I know that is easier said than done.

Good luck
 

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