Marriage troubles

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dlsc

Cathlete
I guess that got your attention. After a 14 yrs & 2 kids he went to stay with his brother because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life like this. I think that with counseling and work things would get better. He suffers from depression, I know he goes through rough times but he doesn't seem to think counseling would help. I think before a couple splits up for good especially when children are involved they should try to work out their problems. Does anyone agree or I am just a hopeless romantic? I know I gave no details but I can say no cheating took place on either side, just everyday problems that grew and grew. Thanks

Linda
 
I'm sorry Linda. I'm sorry you guys have kids & he may not be ready to work things out. Yes, counseling would help, but all parties must want to participate. Keep us posted. At least you can come vent or break down to us. It must be a very trying time for you.

Marla
 
it doesn't matter if anyone else on earth agrees with you about the need for counseling, it only matters if HE agrees with you. and if you try to force him it will fail, because he will resent it and refuse to cooperate

a depressive that runs from his marriage because it isn't easy and who doesn't think its worth trying various steps to save it doesn't seem like he'd be much of a father either.
 
Linda,

I am sorry that you are going through these problems right now :( I am throwing big cyber hugs your way

Perhaps a little separation would help you both get a little perspective? Sometimes a physical separation will make one of the spouses realize things (ie like what they are doing by NOT going to counseling) and get some newfound persepctive and energy to put back into the relationship. He may just need some time away right now.

Don't forget that the time away gives you a chance to think also. You might consider seeing your own counselor to help you sort out your feelings and make sure that saving the marriage is what you really want to do, that you are doing it for the right reasons, etc. Lots os coupoles are in marriage counseling while at the same time each spouse may also be in individual counseling.

Try to relax and let things flow. You can't control this situation and you want things to work out for the best. I know that it is hard and I feel for you. Surround yourself w/your children, family and friends and try to stay strong.

Take care,
Christine
 
Linda,

I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time and I hope you'll find a way to hold your head up high and to smile through your pain. Keep us posted.

Libra32
 
Oh, I feel for you. I totally agree that you cannot just throw in the towel unless something dramatic as happened but then there are other people who feel different. I was seeing my DH for about a year when his sisters husband just decided to disappear. He left a note so everyone knew that he wasn't in any danger but he needed time to think. When he did return they decided to go their seperate ways.He didn't think you should have to work at a marriage(those were his words)Both of them have moved on but he really kicked himself in the butt after. I think he was sorry for not trying. She is not remarried with 2 beautiful girls while his life is still unstabble.
Marriage is not easy. There is not doubt about it. I am recently going through something myself and I cannot pin point what it is. I was just going through one of those mood swings where everything was getting to me and I needed time alone. And we have a great marriage. I totally blame myself for any mishaps that may occur.B/c I should have told him how i was feeling. I think we were just getting in a rut where he did what he wanted to do and vice versa. We were taking each other for granted and we have only been married for 4 yrs.Like today, he was leaving the house to go see a buddy (whom he spends alot of time with) and I only had a couple of hours to lounge before I had to get ready for work. I gently reminded him that I had to get ready for work soon AND that I am going out of town tomorrow for two days. He then disappeared inside that house and when I looked he was making himself a snack and staying home with me.
And I will say it again....a marriage takes alot of work. Not all the time but there are times when you really need to roll your sleeves up.Things are looking better for us, he is constantly telling me that he loves me and paying closer attention.
I really hope things workout for you. And no, I don't think you are a hopeless romantic. I think you are someone who doesn't want to see 14 yrs of hard work go to waste.
Let us know how it goes.
Lori:)
 
Thanks for all your responses and for the invitation to vent, it helps alot.:) I haven't told anyone yet (friends, family) I'm waiting to see how things go, maybe in time I'll realize I want out too. I think we should exercise every option available before divorce. One thing I do know for sure if we do get divorced I will never get married again!x(

Linda
 
Linda, I would never say that! I happen to still count on my ex & occasionally have dinner with him & his 20-something girlfriend. I point that out just so you can see that life is not always that cut & dried. But take things one step at a time & see what you can get out of this.

Marla
 
>available before divorce. One thing I do know for sure if we
>do get divorced I will never get married again!x(
>
>Linda
I know It sounds negative to feel that way, but I'm feeling very negative today. After a good wo in the morning I'm sure I'll feel better.
Linda
 
Linda, I really feel for you. Another way to look at it. If he doesn't want to stay around, then it's not worth trying. Why put the kids threw a very blah and unloved marriage? I know your thinking about the kids needing two parents and that is very kind and wonderful but sometimes things don't work that way. And sometimes it's better to have one parent, then to have two and one doesn't want the other one around. I guess what I'm trying to say, is do what is right for yourself and the kids, step in their shoes with what you know, and see if you'd want a Mom and Dad in the current state of your marriage or not.

And also can you cope with this right now? Feel free to vent, and also see counceling about this problem. There might be other ways to look at it, that your not seeing. Also start socking extra cash away in a personal savings account. If he stays you can use it for the kids. If he goes, you can use it for the kids and make sure they have what they need. This is mainly to help you and the kids, as when you get walked out on. It seems like everything in the world breaks as well and you got to pay to have it fixed. And its a royal pain to try to swing it from pay check to pay check and your kids are upset and you want to buy them things, and you can't even afford to buy them a happy meal. Really start putting money away, anything you can spare and cut back on spending, as when you fall you fall hard, and it takes a while to get money, from the courts etc. I would have gave anything for someone to tell me to put money away, or had enough brains to do it myself a few years ago. As it's hard to go from two pay checks to only one.

As the old saying goes, always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

As your hubby may change his mind and decide to work things out, with depressed people they can easily go either way and you won't have to worry about that extra money, but if you do you'll at least got something to fall back on.

*hugs* Good luck and I truly wish you the best of luck in this,

Kit
 
The most important thing to remember is the only person you can change is you. If you believe counseling can help, then by all means go, but for YOU. (Go by yourself if necessary; marriage counseling is not the only kind.) Some marriages have trouble spots and work out fine; others don't. It is probably way too early to say it's over or it's not. But this is an opportunity to figure out what YOU want from YOUR life, regardless of what he wants.

I have been divorced three years.... it was difficult and emotional and my EX and I went through some very rough times. However, we are pretty friendly these days. We have kids and so have put aside our personal differences for their sakes. Like Marla said, life isn't really that cut and dried. You will be okay if you take care of the important things: yourself and your kids.

Hang in there!

Hugs,
Marie
 
Linda - I'm not sure if anyone has said this yet, but even if he doesn't want to go for counselling, it might help you to go on your own.:)
 
Linda,

I was wondering if he has gone to see someone about his depression? A marriage counselor also, but his depression could be a big problem. He maybe will see things more clearly with help. I'm not sure if I'm on the right track here, but I hope the very best for you. You are in my prayers.



kim
 
Hi Linda

Does he take medication for the depression?
Hubby and I have been married 24 yrs... plenty of times I have thought of seperation but never did, cause many who seperate stay that way... its too easy...
I hope you can get him into counseling.... hope you guys stay together for a long time.... best wishes to ya'll....

Rhonda
 
Rhonda

Yes he does take medication or did, I just recently asked him about it and he said he stopped it. He dosen't like to talk about it I'm surprised that I even got a no out of him.

Thanks for your wishes.:)

Linda
 
Hi Linda,

So sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. Don't really have anything to say that hasn't been said already. I certainly wish you the best, whatever the best may be for you and your family.

Hugs to you,

Diana
 
Please stress to him how important it is to not go off of medicine without a doctor. Going off and on of medicine can mess up your chemicals in your body. I hope everything goes well between the two of you. And yes it is important to go to marriage counselor.


We're thinking of you.


kim
 
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