MARRIAGE PROBLEMS!

WantFit

Cathlete
I totally agree with Candi and others. It's not easy to make a decision to move out and live by yourself and your kid. Even my 1st marriage was not disaster, but I was not happy. Everytime I was crying when I thought about divorce and my DD. I did not know if I could handle to live by myself and support my DD.

Make a plan, list out what worst things would happen, how much it would cost, and then think about the way to live thru that. By mentally prepare for the worst, it will help you come out a little bit easy.

Knowledge is very important. Do some research, different state has different laws how to deal with the assets. Don't try to depend on lawyer or counselor. I've been there. Very few are good, most are less knoweledgeable than me.

This is very emotional issue. Every time when you're tangled at one problem, take a deep breath, then look at the problem from 3rd party view. It will help you to clear the mind and make a logical decision. I agree as a mother, you should put your kid's welfare before you. However, don't let this become a doctrine. You are your child protector and care giver in the longer coming year. If you are not happy, not strong enough, not a good warrior, you can't protect your son.

Also, I learned that you have to speak your mind out, no matter in business or at home, but in a diplomat manner. If you don't say it out, nobody could guess what is in your mind, how you feel. I would let people surround me know whether I am happy, upset or my thinking as soon as possible. This will help to build up your status. They, including your husband, will know that you have specific needs and your are no nonsensons. You don't have to yell at him. Just right enough amount to deliver the point.

In this world, people always take advantage of weakers (or they think you are weaker). For us, especially as women, we need to stand our ground very strong.

Thinking of you...

WantFit
 

icklemoley

Cathlete
I do not know your husband, nor you, and you don’t really share any problems you both have only to say that he is very cold and that so are you, and that there is no intimacy. But you say he loves you. He actually tells you this? To your face? Daily? Do you tell him back? Do you love him? Did you ever ask him why he moved out of the martial bedroom?

I think you hit the nail on the head (for me anyway) when you said that he is cold to you and you’re cold back. Tit for tat. I’m not trying to excuse his behavior but I’m trying to say that, from what you wrote, it seems you are also partly responsible for the atmosphere too.

As for entitlement I have no real idea. I think that what you both brought into the marriage should be equally spit, but as he already had the house, I do not necessarily think that this should be taken away from him.

I’m sorry if this does not sound supportive, but it seems to me (from what you’ve said) that this mess is an equal measure and some responsibility needs to be taken.
 

lorihart

Cathlete
I to, am sorry to hear about your situation. Luckily,right now, I am in a very happy relationship.And I hope it stays that way but the way the world works....ya never know.
One of my co-workers is going through the samething right now.Her and her Dh decided to split and they have been living years in the same house without even talking.They don't argue either.But they don't communicate and haven't slept together in years.
She is still finding this emotional hard even though there are no feelings left. I don't think it is ever easy in the beginning. But as time goes by it would have to.I would imagine that it seems scary going out into the world on your own again.Everything comes with time and I hope you find what makes you happy.Everyone deserves to be happy!
Lori:)
 

dananmis22

Cathlete
I don't have advice for you as far as what you are entitled to that anyone hasn't already said, I just wanted to let you know that you have my support and that I will be thinking of you for what is a difficult time for you and your child. Be strong, you are already brave, and don't let yourself be manipulated or taken advantage of.

In my prayers,
Missy
 

RWattier

Cathlete
Ditto what they say above - but first and foremost - seek a divorce lawyer - you don't want to move out before the divorce is final bc that could mean you will get nothing and you and your son deserve more than that. I will send my prayers your way - thanks for coming to all of us for help and to vent - sometimes it feels so good to get it off your chest, and believe me that people on this forum don't judge anything!! Everyone is very understanding and supportive on this forum - sometimes more than the people you interact with on a day to day basis :) I pray for you to find happiness!
 

candi

Cathlete
moesmommy1,

Another thing important to mention. You need to seek counseling for yourself. If your husband has always been this way and you saw fit to marry him, the question is "Why?". There is something in you that has a need for a man that is emotionally distant. I won't go into all the things that drive us to look for certain qualities in a significant other but one important thing to analyze is the relationship between your parents...this is usually key.

The reason it is so important to seek counseling is that unless you know what's driving your need, at a subconscious level you will continually seek out the same type of personality.

More than JMHO :)

Good luck!
 

Timber99

Cathlete
"he recommended a family law assistance program for
us to go to so that we wouldn't have to hire an attorney."

NO! NO! No! You need to get your own lawyer and have someone advising you in the best interest of YOU. A family law assistance program is going to sit down and give you forms, perhaps a tiny bit of advice but there is nobody looking out for you, advising you, making recommendations, etc. for you and your child. Legal counsel is the best investment you can make right now.


"My husband asked me what I was going to want, or how much I was
>going to want, he alsmost started crying last night saying
>that he didn't think it was fair that I take his house, it is
>under his name, he had it when we got married, but I was told
>I was entitled to half of everything he owns and vice versa,
>what should I do, what is a fair amount to ask for?"


See, my point precisely. :) You are not a divorce professional and you need counsel. That will also help you wiht the next issue below b/c they will tell you what to expect to receive in assets, support, etc. and you can get a better idea of what you are up against financially adn what is fair to ask for.

"I have a pretty decent job, but I couldn't afford to move out on my own with my income alone, please help!!"

Yes you can. Don't forget that in the divorce you will be entitled to some assets and you will have a nest egg to start with. If you can't leave the house before then because of finances, don't. Also, if you take physical custody of the child, you will receive child support to assist with your child's bills. You can also make arrangements for medical insurance with your husband as part of the divorce negotiations.

I am sorry that this is happening. It sucks. :( Please do the best you can to take care of you, get some counseling for you (& your child) and seek counsel. Your child needs you and you need to stay strong now and make sure that you are taken care of in the future.

Christine :)
 

candi

Cathlete
I agree with everyone else here who said to seek out a lawyer, especially when there is a child involved.
 

betsylz

Active Member
Christine (Timber99) hit the nail on the head! GET YOUR OWN LAWYER! No matter how much each of you thinks they are trying to be "fair", it is human nature to try to get the most for yourself. And you do not need to answer his questions about what you want. That is for a judge and lawyers to decide, especially when a child is involved. Good luck, and there is life after divorce. (Been there, done that and have now been married to a wonderful guy for over 20 years.)
 

moesmommy1

New Member
Thank You for responding to my posting even though you have no similar problems!! In my defense I am not blaming my husband for all the problems we are having, we have both created them together. When we met he was different! But as soon as we got married everything started changing! He really has never been caring, or affectionate. We were dating I got pregnant and we got married. I didn't want to get married but he kept pushing me to do it, so I just did it. I never felt that we should've gotten married because I was pregnant!! But anyways here we are 5 years later, and things have gotten worse! He says he moved out of the bedroom because my son would sometimes sleep with us, and he claims he wasn't comfortable. Which I think is a stupid reason!! He moved out for a long time, and still now he never asks for sex, ever! Don't you think that's kind of weird.He's a rude person overall not just to me but also to his froends and family!! I don't know if he realizes it, and that's just the way he is, so it seems normal to him, but you can;t treat people like that!!
 

KathyH

Cathlete
Quite frankly after reading this post it seems to me that your husband is crying over the loss of his HOUSE instead of his FAMILY!! This is so tragic that he can't see what he truly is losing. I pity him. IMO hang onto the house. You and your son are entitled to it. Its upsetting enough for your son that the 2 of you will be divorcing. Why put your son through any more anguish? Hang tough is what I say. Your in my prayers, Kathy
 

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