MARRIAGE PROBLEMS!

M

moesmommy1

New Member
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS, I HAVE A 4 YEAR OLD SON. ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS SINCE WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED. WE HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT DIVORCE FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS NOW BUT HAVE DONE NOTHING ABOUT IT!WE DECIDED TO GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING, AND AFTER OUR FIRST VISIT ON THE WAY HOME MY HUSBAND WAS GOING ON AND ON ABOUT HOW THIS WAS ALL A JOKE AND THAT WE NEEDED TO HURRY UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS, HE SAID WE EITHER NEEDED TO HURRY UP AND DECIDE IF WE WERE GOING TO STAY TOGETHER OR GET A DIVORCE. WE HAVE NOT BEEN INTIMATE FOR A VERY LONG TIME, HE DOES NOT ASK TO BE INTIMATE, WE DO NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM, AND WE HAVEN'T FOR A VERY LONG TIME, HE DECIDED ON HIS OWN TO SLEEP IN ONE OF OUR OTHER BEDROOMS. HE IS VERY RUDE TO ME AND OUR SON EITHER IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY OR IN PUBLIC, I FEEL VERY EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY HIM, HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS WE NEVER SHOW LOVE OR AFFECTION TOWARDS EACHOTHER, WE NEVER EVEN REALLY TALK, I FEEL LIKE WERE STRANGERS LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME, BUT HE NEVER SHOWS IT, AND THEN AGAIN NEITHER DO I! I DON'T WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH HIM OR HUG HIM, HE IS VERY COLD AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE GOTTEN USED TO HAVING NO AFFECTION AND NOW I DON'T WANT IT, HE IS VERY COLD!!
HE IS VERY MEAN TO ME AND OUR SON, EVEN THOUGH HE DOES SHOW HIM AFFECTION. I HAVE ALOT OF ANGER TOWARDS HIM FOR THE WAY HE HAS TREATED ME AND THE WAY HE SOMETIMES TREATS MY SON, IT REALLY ANGERS ME, HE HAS A REALLY BAD TEMPER. I REALLY FEEL THE MARRIAGE IS OVER, BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL SORRY FOR MY HUSBAND EVEN AFTER HE HAS TREATED ME SO BADLY!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, THERE ARE SO MANY MORE PROBLEMS WE HAVE. I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE ON WAHT TO DO!! PLEASE HELP!!
 
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS, I HAVE A 4 YEAR OLD SON. ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS SINCE WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED. WE HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT DIVORCE FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS NOW BUT HAVE DONE NOTHING ABOUT IT!WE DECIDED TO GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING, AND AFTER OUR FIRST VISIT ON THE WAY HOME MY HUSBAND WAS GOING ON AND ON ABOUT HOW THIS WAS ALL A JOKE AND THAT WE NEEDED TO HURRY UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS, HE SAID WE EITHER NEEDED TO HURRY UP AND DECIDE IF WE WERE GOING TO STAY TOGETHER OR GET A DIVORCE. WE HAVE NOT BEEN INTIMATE FOR A VERY LONG TIME, HE DOES NOT ASK TO BE INTIMATE, WE DO NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM, AND WE HAVEN'T FOR A VERY LONG TIME, HE DECIDED ON HIS OWN TO SLEEP IN ONE OF OUR OTHER BEDROOMS. HE IS VERY RUDE TO ME AND OUR SON EITHER IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY OR IN PUBLIC, I FEEL VERY EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY HIM, HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS WE NEVER SHOW LOVE OR AFFECTION TOWARDS EACHOTHER, WE NEVER EVEN REALLY TALK, I FEEL LIKE WERE STRANGERS LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME, BUT HE NEVER SHOWS IT, AND THEN AGAIN NEITHER DO I! I DON'T WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH HIM OR HUG HIM, HE IS VERY COLD AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE GOTTEN USED TO HAVING NO AFFECTION AND NOW I DON'T WANT IT, HE IS VERY COLD!!
HE IS VERY MEAN TO ME AND OUR SON, EVEN THOUGH HE DOES SHOW HIM AFFECTION. I HAVE ALOT OF ANGER TOWARDS HIM FOR THE WAY HE HAS TREATED ME AND THE WAY HE SOMETIMES TREATS MY SON, IT REALLY ANGERS ME, HE HAS A REALLY BAD TEMPER. I REALLY FEEL THE MARRIAGE IS OVER, BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL SORRY FOR MY HUSBAND EVEN AFTER HE HAS TREATED ME SO BADLY!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, THERE ARE SO MANY MORE PROBLEMS WE HAVE. I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE ON WAHT TO DO!! PLEASE HELP!!
 
Wow, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I've been there (but without the complication of kids) so I can relate to an extent.

Without really knowing you or your husband, no one can really come up with a solution to your problems. But let me just say this: No one deserves to be that unhappy all the time. It sucks for you, it sucks for him, & most importantly it sucks for your son.

The only advice I'd feel comfortable giving is maybe a trial separation but continuing w/counseling. I did a 3 month trial sep. w/my ex w/counseling & we never got back together. Truth is sometimes you don't realize how miserable you are until something makes you happy. Or until you just have the relief of not being miserable.

I really hope things work out for you & you guys find a way to coexist, if not in the same house than at least in the same world, for your son's sake & your sanity's sake. Sending good vibes.........
 
I think you should definitely consult a marriage counselor, but in no way do I think you need to "hurry up" to decide anything. This type of decision that affects all 3 of your lives forever should not be a pressured decision at all.

This seems like a toxic relationship...particularly with the abuse... so my gut instinct is that you should agree on an amicable split ASAP, especially if your son is witnessing and also experiencing mistreatment. However, I don't know the entire situation and it is definitely complicated with children involved. I just know that I was in a similar situation and leaving was the best thing for me.

Good luck in your decision!

Angie
 
I suggest you seek counseling for you and your son seperate from you marriage counseling. I also suggest that you get out your situation if you feel unsafe or abused in any way. You owe that to yourself and to your son. You may end up working your problems out, but you don't have to stay in the same house to do that and you cannot expect progress as long as you feel threatened. i hope you find a great counselor and i hope you have the presence of mind to make the right decisions. Take care


jes:)
 
Perhaps you should see the marriage counselor on your own. And I agree that you shouldn't feel rushed to make any decision.

Not to be cynical, but if you decide you're leaving, consult a divorce lawyer BEFOREHAND to make sure you don't do anything which can materially damage you later. Even when they start out amicable, divorces rarely go smoothly, and you will want to be sure you are protected later on.

Good luck,
Marie
 
Even if your husband doesn't want to continue with the counselling, you should keep going by yourself. You need to find some happiness and some relief from your situation. And your son definitely needs to be out of that toxic environment as soon as he can be. I know it's hard to leave with a child to consider, but you have to think about the groundwork you're setting up for him for the rest of his life. If he grows up as witness to an abusive and toxic relationship, he is doomed to repeat that in his own life, because he won't know any different.

I know how hard the decision is to make. I made it. It took me three years to work up the courage to leave. But I believe that it is the best thing I could have done, for my own happiness and for my daughter's.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

P.S. I'm not sure if you know this, but when you're on the internet or in e-mail, typing in all capital letters is yelling.;)
 
Are you financially stable enough to make it on your own? If so, my advice is to get packing. This relationship is already harming your child emotionally. Children base their love relationships on what they see of their parent's. This is not a good situation and IMHO, will never be.

As you said, it has always been like this between you two. In order for it to change, both of you need to make a serious committment. It doesn't appear your husband wants to make that committment.

Edited to say, Marie had a very good point. If you can't afford a lawyer, legal aid is available in many communities.
 
God, Candi! You are awesome! I echo all of your advice.

Moesmommy, I can feel the stress in your post. You know what? It's NOT the end of the world if you two divorce!!! Life goes on!! Really, if this A-hole can't show any enthusiasm with his kid then, good riddance! Not to mention he doesn't show any caring with you. Please, hang in there & keep us posted.

Marla
 
Thank you so much for your advice!! I am really confused, scared, and worried for my son, I do not want him to keep on seeing us like this! There is no love and affection in this relationship! When I married my husband he already had a house, I have spoken with a family law adviser, and he suggested that I not leave my house because I could lose any rights that I now have. The house is not in may name, but the person I spoke to told me that I am entitled to half of everything that my husband has! When we talked about getting a divorce, my husband asked me what i was going to want, I told him I wanted half of everything! He told me that if I wanted half of the house that he would fight for full custody of my son!I don't think they would take him away from me, I have a stable job, and am hard working and responsible. I think I would have left already if it wasn't for the chance that I would lose my rights to anything! Do you think asking for half of everything is unfair. I have a good paying job, but I have a car payment, and I don't think I could afford rent on my own. Then I also feel taht why should I have to live in an partment with my son when weve been in a house for so long, my son has his own room, I think he should keep having one.do you think I'm wrong?:(
 
Do me just one favor. Make sure you know the number of your local women's domestic violence hotline. I pray you never need it but there's something about your post that makes me worry. I sincerely hope I'm overreacting but I'll take that chance.

I'll be thinking of you..
--Lois


"If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning" - Mahatma Ghandi
 
GET OUT!!! It's bad enough he treats you badly, but to abuse your son, as well. Unacceptable. Your son learns from those around him and will grow up to abuse others. You need to remove him front the abusive enviornment. You clearly have been thinking about this for a while. Dragging the inevitable out does no one any good. Get your finances and business in order, reach out to friends and family, and get out. It will do you and your son good!! I won't be easy but just do it. It's time.
 
Marla,

It's the voice of experience speaking. My first marriage was 21 years of what she described. I still have my fair share of emotional scars, even after counseling and the wonderful husband I have now. DD is doing well but I believe it's only because I shielded her from much of what was going on and when she got older, we talked about the situation.
 
I get the impression you want someone to just tell you to divorce and be done with it. From what you write you have no positive things to say about the marriage or the man, and it seems to me like both of you are waiting for the other to say "let's give up on this losing battle.."
Ask yourself how many participants there really are in this relationship. Are you doing all the emotional "work" in this situation?
Ask yourself if you have done everything possible to make this work. Can you live with the fact that you will be out of this relationship for good?

The most important question is how healthy is this for your child? If you can't make the judgement call based upon the above criteria, this should be the clincher. Once you became a mom you became secondary, that child is first in everything. If this is not a good situation for him than get moving and do something positive for him. Think about yourself later. Trust me on this from one who has been there, you will be a happier, healthier person once you see your child in a truly positive environment.
I went from a household to a one bedroom apartment when I divorced several years ago. I worked hard and provided a better home for myself and my son, but the point is I was secure in myself, finally, and so was my son. 20 years later, I am remarried and happy, and so glad I was smart enough to take the step to realize just how strong I could be on my own. It was not easy, but it became my revelation.

Best of luck to you. You have my prayers for your future, as well as your present.

Conni
 
Honestly I do feel that I want someone to tell me just leave, or get divorced, just because I think I will feel like what I'm doing is ok!! I feel really guilty for what is happening, my husband says he loves me, but he never shows it!! All he shows is his bad side!!He is hard working and responsible, we have a beautiful home and we both drive nice cars,he thinks that I should be the happiest person because I have all of that, he's always throwing it in my face how he gives me so much. Well anyways we finally talked last night, and we decided to get a divorce, he called me this morning at work and said that he told his boss he was going to be getting a divorce, so he recommended a family law assistance program for us to go to so that we wouldn't have to hire an attorney. My husband asked me what I was going to want, or how much I was going to want, he alsmost started crying last night saying that he didn't think it was fair that I take his house, it is under his name, he had it when we got married, but I was told I was entitled to half of everything he owns and vice versa, what should I do, what is a fair amount to ask for? I have a pretty decent job, but I couldn't afford to move out on my own with my income alone, please help!!
 
Your legal counsel will be able to tell you exactly what you're entitled to. Don't say anything to your husband about what you want and what he can have until you speak with a lawyer.
 
>Your legal counsel will be able to tell you exactly what
>you're entitled to. Don't say anything to your husband about
>what you want and what he can have until you speak with a
>lawyer.


I agree, don't let hubby manipulate you with his tears into taking less than you need and deserve.
 
Agree with the others, especially, Candia Marla. If you can swing it financially get out.

I split from my ex when the kids were 1 and 3. We are now very good friends - marriage brought out the worst of us. Our kids did great growing up in a single parent home. I've been a single mom for 15 years now and at least for me it works great.

What do you feel in your gut? Do you think it will or won't get better?

All the best and sure you will have strength and make the right decision.

Staying married is NOT ALWAYS the right decision.

I know in our state you had to try counseling. Agree what other say, Shelly, I think that get counseling for yourself and try to get your son out of the environment.

I dont necessarily think you need to keep with the marriage counseling, sounds like you know in your heart what to do .
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top