Marital woes

C

cyclecat

Active Member
I guess since anything goes on this forum...
I'm feeling totally stressed out, unfulfilled and basically bummed about my marriage. We've been married 21 years and it seems like we have nothing in common anymore. I'm not a fitness maniac but definitely into exercising for both mental and physical health. He doesn't exercise at all, except yard work, and it's really beginning to show. I love to travel; he's a home person. I'll read anything except sci-fi; that's the only thing he reads. I love going to movies; he doesn't. We got married because I got pregnant, and although it seemed like the right and best thing to do at the time, I'm having serious doubts now. He's very passive-aggressive; says he'll go to counseling with me or by himself so (says he) "I can become the person you wish I was instead of the person I am." Barf.
Obviously I am playing a major role in my/our unhappiness too, but I feel like I'm at an impasse here. My kids have always been a big priority; I've stayed home with them and/or worked part-time off and on, so I'm literally paralyzed with fear about how I'd support myself if we split up. Also, my own counselor says kids always want their parents to stay together no matter how bad the relationship is. My youngest is 11 now. I don't know what to do!!
 
I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. http://www.weddingchat.com/images/smilies/sadhug.gif I think as long as there's no abuse or infidelity going on in the marriage, it's definitely worth trying to work things out.

I think counseling is a great idea for you! Then in the end if it still doesn't work out, you can say you both tried everything to make it work. Good luck to you!
 
I don't really have any words of advice for you but I really hope that things workout.
I have been married for (only) 2 years and we have been together for 6 years.I dearly love my husband and wouldn't trade him for the world.But then there are times when he is so busy with work and then when he decides to do something it could be a "guy" thing.I sort of feel.....hmmm...alone,bored,tired of this....you know what I mean.I try not to stress him out b/c his job can be pretty stressful.He was the one you thought me to always treat each other with respect and to put each other first.But there are times when I feel like I need to remind him of that.
I would imagine that our marriage is like alot of other peoples.We have fun when we are together, he makes me laugh,we do have alot in common, but there is that point in time when you feel like life as gotten in the way..you need to slow down.We noramlly have our weekends together but thats only 2 days.

YOur relstionship sounds alot like the one I posted the other day.I run with this lady,she is very attractive,her husband looks like a couch potatoe, they had a child together before they got married...I don't know if thats why they got married or not.When I am with them I don't feel anything between them, he barely looks are her.
If my relationship were like theirs I would diffently have to do some soul searching.I don't think I would be able to live my life unhappy, for the sake of my kids.I know our kids are very important but they grow up,they start their own families and we are left by ourselves. Alot of kids survive divorse and its hurts them but they probably know that you are unhappy.If you are so unhappy you may need to get out while you are still young,do some healing, be on your own for a little while and then you may meet the person you were meant to be with.
My personnal opinion is thee above.I know its easier said then done and maybe it would be totally different of I were in your shoes.
I also know this other lady who was VERY unhappy in her marriage,they didn't even sleep in the same bed anymore.She always slept with her 9 yrs old son.She left her husband(about 2 yrs ago),moved into a basement appt,her son handled in VERY well and she looks great.(she lost alot of weight)They share parenting previlages.And she had finally started dating again.And she is the happiest I have every seen her.
I just think that life is to short to be spent unhappy.And then again,hopefully your marriage can work with some help and you will be as happy as you were when you first met him.
Best wishes,
Lori
 
I am sorry that you are going through difficulties. I, too, think that the marriage is worth working on (since I have been working on mine for about a year or so now with the same type of situation - except for the part about SCIFI - I like that and he likes most everything else). My husband did attend counseling with me but it ended up being me that continued on (not because he did not want to).

I think that you may wish to investigate some job opportunities now (that may help you mentally get a little more interested in life and help with your fears on life after marriage). Perhaps you could enjoy gardening with your husband more and explore other things to do together that are fitness related such as trail bike riding, walking, hiking, etc.

Good luck,
Sheila
 
I would like to just encourage you along with Dani, and I am certain many others will also. This is tough! I can only speak for myself and my own life. I come from a long line of divorce and remarriages, and I swore I would never get married because it only leads to divorce. That was my example. Well, I did get married, and we all know that life is imperfect, and people are fallible. I have been at the brink a few times over the years with my husband. We have been married nearly 19 years, together 6 before that. We have three children. Without going into gritty details on a public forum, I can read myself between your lines. I have a lot of empathy. I hope you get that response here, folks who empathize and encourage you to realize we all have our issues.

I will say that if I have learned one important thing, it is this. I cannot change anyone. Crazy, I know!:) I cannot change my husband, or anyone else for that matter. I can only change myself and how I respond. For me, this has worked. I have found ways that I can work on myself, and that has improved things infinitely. I am responsible for my own happiness.

I agree with Dani in continuing on with some counseling. Exhaust your options. The time and energy you put into savig your marriage is nothing compared to the energy and pain of divorce. No judgement to people who do have to go this route either. Just my personal experience, offered with care and empathy. Hang in there!
 
I'm going through a similar situation. My husband and I are very alike in temperament, but our interests are totally different and he is very independent. I call our relationship the "unmarriage," like the old 7up "uncola" campaign. He's very self-sufficient and has to make an effort to be affectionate and talk to me.

I went through a serious health crisis, and he was good through that because I was too sick to demand anything of him. Now that I'm well and want to do things together... have a physical relationship again... it's been really tough. He almost walked out on me about a year ago, but it kinda blew over. So, I finally decided I'd had enough... I was ready to move out. (No kids involved) But now that I've put my foot down, he's decided he wants to save our marriage, insisting we get counseling and that he can change.

Our counselor asked him to plan a "date" night, and it had to be romantic and involve meaningful interaction - not going to a movie. He asked how long the date had to be. The counselor looked at me and said, "He doesn't realize it, but he's already blown it." I had to laugh. But at least, if we eventually split up, I can say we tried.

Regarding how your decision affects the kids, my husband's parents were miserable together and divorced. My parents are miserable together and have stayed married. For whatever it's worth, my husband and I were talking about this one day and after comparing notes, we both agreed that *if the relationship can not be improved*, the children are probably better off for the parents to divorce and have a chance for a happy relationship with someone else. I know my home life was absolutely miserable. My parents are now in their 70s and are still unhappy... and make most family gatherings unhappy.

Hope things will get better for you soon. You're not alone...

Angela
 
Hi Cyclecat! I too will be married 21 yrs. come Aug. I've seen also a switch in our roles over the course of the years. My DH used to be the "doer" while I was the "homebody". Now our positions are in reverse but I'm married to a wonderful romantic man so the role reversals don't bother me. I try to discuss w/DH ways for us to come together such as learning to play golf and/or tennis, etc. Try finding something that the 2 of you would enjoy doing together. Do you get together even once a month w/friends to go to dinner with? There must be things that pull you 2 together if you've lasted 21 yrs. What about going away to a B&B for a romantic weekend sometime soon? Just some suggestions besides counseling. HTH, Kathy
 
Angela:

I think you are to be praised for giving and sharing such an honest, tell-it-like-it-is appraisal of marital dificulties and how to know when to pull the plug.

To the orginal poster:

I would say: don't flog a dead horse. There is an art in knowing when enough is enough, though it is difficult to summon the courage to do so. And again, we must not let fear prevent us from making changes that could turn our lives around in ways that are as yet unexpected, from finding greater ease with ourselves and a certain degree of contentment and happiness.

I think you have to know yourself here: this crossroads is as much about you. You have changed: who are you now, what do you want? You raised the child, you don't have to stay married to a man just because you got pregnant once. You have to confront these anxieties you have about change: as another poster said, make steps now to get employed. You need financial independence. It gives self respect and self esteem, and from a securer footing you will have greater confidence to confront those fears, and decide what you want to do and how and when.

I think also some degree of counselling just for yourself could be necessary: if you decide to move on, which I think I would in this situation, speaking frankly, you will need to make sure you yourself understand your reasons why, and be comfortable with those reasons, and also, you will need time to grieve. You will be letting go of a chunk of your past life: it's OK to feel sad about this, and therapy is a secure environment in which to do so.

Divorce can be sad: but between adults whose children are raised and independent, it may just be a life saver and the sagest thing either of you have done in a while. You have done your duty by your child: now you owe nothing to anyone but yourself.

Don't stay if your heart is no longer in it. Don't reach age 60, still married to the guy and have regrets. Never reach old age with regrets.

There are lines I love from both "the Princess Diaries" and "Tuck Everlasting" that help me and may help you:

1) "Never fear death, fear only the life half lived"

2) "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the understanding that there's something more important. From now on you will be travelling the road between who you are...and who you can become."

There's hope in that. There's a whole future waiting to open up ahead for you. Let it happen and see what it holds.....

Good luck.

Clare
 
"my own counselor says kids always want their parents to stay together no matter how bad the relationship is. My youngest is 11 now. I don't know what to do!!"

In response to the above quote, just remember that what 11 year olds want is NOT always what's best for them! In my opinion, kids are better off not being around a hopelessly bad relationship.

Having said that, let me hasten to add that your relationship doesn't sound hopeless. In fact, I agree with you and the others that you are ripe for counseling. The primary thing that counseling can do is teach you how to communicate with each other so that you can both get your needs met and stop hurting and alienating each other. Different interests won't necessarily keep a marriage from working. My husband loves to travel and I hate it but we compromise with each other and both have a good time.

It's great that your husband has agreed to go to counseling! I would start by telling him how much you appreciate that he is willing to work on the marriage, and tell him that you are willing to work on it too. Then get a good recommendation for someone.

Lots of luck!

:)
 
The children will be affected no matter which decision you make. If the decision is divorce, it will be up to you and your husband to make the best of the situation for the children.

I chose to stay in a bad marriage for 21 years, but there were extenuating circumstances. My ex-husband was totally irresponsible, drank too much, and in the end had started down the path of drug addiction. I could not bear the thought of him having our daughter for visitation. There was no telling what would have happened to her. Would I make the same decision if I had it to do over. You bet! Also, I was not in a position to support both of us on my own and who knows how consistent child support would have been. These days, deadbeat Dad's can be thrown in jail. Not so when my daughter was younger. We would have been on our own. I'm sure we could have moved in with my parents, but they were at each other's throats all the time. Luckily, my ex was never around much and we lived life as normally as we could.

I heard your comment about supporting yourself. That is an extremely valid fear on your part. Is there a way that you could get some training in a field where you could make enough money, therefore feeling more independent? I got my undergrad the year my daughter graduated from high school. I was 39. The esteem of an education can never be taken away and you have much more earning power. By the time of our divorce, I was in a good financial positon.

I certainly think counseling is a good option for you. Your situation does not sound hopeless at all. Counseling will help teach you to communicate and give insight into each other as well as your marriage.
 
Hi all --

And thanks for all your kind words. Seems like it's running heavily in favor of counseling. I don't know what I'm afraid of. And I'm going to flesh out the story a little by saying that there was indelity at one point (mine); he in all likelihood has or is developing a drinking problem, although I may be oversensitive because I come from an alcoholic family (dad), and this is what my husband claims. People find him offensive (my husband that is), and by that I mean he has very limited social skills. Not in terms of table manners, but just an obnoxious, say whatever-the-heck-is-on-your-mind-whether-it-might-hurt-someone's-feelings-or-not personality. So I cringe whenever we have to be around other people together. I've had to apologize for his behavior on numerous occasions over the years. And he's not at all romantic, as one of you mentioned about your own husband. That might make the other stuff easier to deal with. I think we've both dealt each other so much hurt over the years that I wonder if it's possible for either of us to forgive and move forward. Just my thoughts again, and I didn't want to come across as all Miss Perfect. I screwed up, I realize that, and I don't think I've ever stopped paying for my indiscretion.

Laurie
 
Laurie, what I hope you are getting here more than anything, is support. We all have our thoughts and opinions, but our life is not your life, and I will certainly pray for you. This can be a pretty encouraging and nice place to come sometimes, and I hope it is ALL of that for you!
 
Yes, not just support but the knowledge that I'm not the only one out there with problems (not like I thought I was, but it's nice to be reminded). That's the way I think it is with a lot of forums, just finding a common link. Thanks.
 
You are right Laurie, it is the common connection that helps so much. I emailed you today by the way......hope you are doing OK and that you loved Ireland!

Clare
 
Marriage is HARD! Anyone who has been married more than a couple years can admit that. We've been married for 12years & we've had several down years. It seems to me that it's cyclic. We actually went through a period not too long ago that was 'down' for about 5 years. It was rough, very rough.

We started off going to counseling. DH went just to pacify me. He went once, I continued to go for about 5 more sessions. I learned a lot about myself and drew closer to God during this time. I realized that many things I expected from my husband were things that I needed to learn to be self-fulfilled (or God filled). I was expecting DH to fill voids in my life that weren't his responsibility.

It's difficult as I often roll back into that(past) frame of thinking. I've spent the last several years working on our marriage--making it a priority in my life. As soon as you make a decision to stay in the marriage--you can invest your entire life in making it work. It's a big commitment, but in my opinion that's what saying "I do" is all about.

Good luck, I can totally empathize with your pain & struggling. ;-)

**Melanie**
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"
 
Laurie,

I read this whole thread and I just have to say that everyone who responded has been so supportive and insightful. I am having trouble communicating with my husband right now- we are at an impasse- and I think it's my fault but I don't know what to do. Reading this has given me some good ideas and good reasons to be patient.

The issue you describe is very common. It's surprising how many "normal" acting people have very difficult marriages and it can be a struggle just to get through the day. I think lots of people hate to leave work at 5:00 because they dread interacting at home.

I hope you find a good solution. I don't know the answer but Melanie's post was very heartening to me.

Sincerely,
Connie
 
I'm not really ready to voice my thoughts, but Laurie, I can definitely sympathize. I'm glad you brought up this subject. It's good to hear people speak truthfully and openly about this aspect of their lives.

Shari
 
Hi, Connie -

I wish I knew the answer too, but I guess if either (or any) of us did, we'd be very, very rich in more ways than one, huh? One thing I can tell you, though, is that whatever impasse you may be at with your husband, it does take two to tango (or to mess up a relationship), so don't blame yourself, or at least only yourself. In my case, and I have no idea how or if it even compares to yours, lack of communication is one of the many problems we have. Although it may be mostly my fault at this point, I think I've kind of withdrawn emotionally because I haven't felt like I've really been listened to in years. Perhaps this is what is happening with you, too: you reach a certain point and just don't feel like putting forth the effort required anymore. I'm hoping counseling might help, although I don't know that I'll be entering into the situation with as open a mind as I should. But as my mom likes to remind me, "Dr. Phil says if you do end up getting a divorce, you need to EARN it," meaning you should try every avenue available to save the relationship before you throw in the towel.

Sorry to have rambled on so. I really only wanted to assure you that in a marriage, it's nearly never just one person's fault, and I would bet this holds true in yours.

Best of luck to you too.
Laurie
 
Laurie:

Dr. Phil is a wise man. And so are you wise: it never is just one person's fault. So, be gentle on yourself too. OK?

Clare
 
I totally sympathize with you and have read the entire thread. Great Advice. Having been there myself a few years ago - believe it's not hard. I was first married when I was 16 to my first husband - it was horrific to say the least. I have two children from that experience and don't regret having had two children by the age of 18. Then in 1973 I married my second husband and although very caring and loving as time went on we grew further and further apart. I guess his culture (he's from Ecuador) and mine began to clash. I found my self at 27 with 4 children and other than the usual housework, doctor visits, and everyday life - I didn't have a life. Under a lot of anger and angst I went back to school, crammed 4 years into 2 (I still don't know how I did this!!) got my degree and started my working career in the early 1980's. I was super mom and wife raising my children practically by myself because he wasn't there when it was necessary. Long story short - on the day after my daugher's Jocelyn's wedding in 1997 it hit me like a ton of bricks - somewhere in the last 25 years or so I lost sight of who Iris was. It was a rude awakending. The marriage became worse - weeks would go by without so much a word - not even a hello. In 1998 after having gone to numerous counseling sessions - with my head held high I walked away - to my first apartment - scary even to this day sometimes - no one needed me - my youngest daughter was 20. I was responsible for ME - no one else. Don't kid yourself - children - whether 11 or in their 20's still want their parents together - no matter what. It has taken all these years to have my children back to where they were before I ended the marriage. They tell me all the time that they are "so over" their dad and I being apart. I can even say that when my ex and I thrown together because of family gatherings that we're very cordial with each other. It has taken my ex these last 3 years to finally admit to his children that he holds a lot of blame as to why our marriage fell apart - machismo and culture would not let him admit these feelings before. All I say to you and to anyone that is going through these "growing pains" in their relationship is - seek counseling - exhaust every avenue that is available to you. Then after, if you both still feel the same way - with your heads held up high do whatever you have to do to find yourself, be happy with yourself and begin your journey - again. As human beings, we are not infalable - not perfect and everyone has their flaws - good and bad. Obviously in the beginning of every relationship, it's new and exciting, passionate or whatever it was that brought you together as a couple. I guess what I'm saying is that all relationships require hard work, love and understanding and above all - communication. How are we as individuals able to express what we feel - if we don't communicate? Sorry, but this thread hit home and I guess I needed to share my experiences as well. Please take care and listen to your heart - your heart will never fail you.

God Bless and Take care,
Iris
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top