Losing your Best Friend....(VENT)

Fit_mommy

Fit_mommy

Cathlete
I've been best friends with the same person since high school. We've known one another since 2nd grade. I never thought I'd say this but I am losing her.

It all started when I had my son. I don't understand it though as she loves kids. She said she'd come down to visit all of the time and would sleep over in those early months of midnight feedings to give me a break. She offered tons of babysitting as well. Guess what? She watched him ONCE when DH and I went out for a few hours. That's it. She doesn't come down to visit but once every few months IF THAT and she NEVER actually offered to come over and help out when he was an infant.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I EXPECTED her to babysit or sleep over to help with feedings but it hurt my feelings that she made these "promises" and never saw them through when the fact is, she has done those very things COUNTLESS times for other friends and family members.:-(

The only reason I see her with ANY regularity is because I am training her but beyond that we rarely do anything together.

To make matters worse....she has gotten close with a co-worker of hers. It seems that they get closer with each passing day and we become more and more distant.

I went to a family celebration/party of her sister's with her and this other girl last night. I felt like an outsider as I watched BFF and BFF's family carry on with her "new" friend while I just sat there. I wanted to cry. I also wanted to leave but I didn't have my car with me.

I feel like I am a child in a playground who is pulling on her friend's arm while another child is pulling the other arm and we are fighting over who's friend she is.

What makes it harder is that I really like this other gal so I can't even be mad at her!}(

I need to form new friendships but it's so hard. I am shy which doesn't help. x(

Sorry, I just really needed to vent but any advice would be appreciated!:)
 
Ooh, I feel your pain. I think we've all experienced strain with and sometimes the end of close relationships. I know in my heart that people evolve and perhaps the connections change, but I sure wish all of my relationships had a clearly marked expiration date on them. It would make things so much easier.

Does your friend have children of her own? If not, she may feel you've ventured into territory that's way too unfamiliar for her. It sounds silly, but I've found it doesn't take much to create imbalance in a relationship, and the birth of your child may have done just that. This is probably why you see so many young mothers forming tight bonds ~ they're all going through the same thing at the same time. Single and/or childless friends can try to relate, but they won't be able to completely.

I noticed that when I got seriously involved with a guy, one of my close friendships changed. When I married that same guy, the friendship ended. *shrug* Another friend pulled away when SHE got seriously involved with someone. It's weird, but I think it's normal. I find those who manage to keep the same friends throughout all of life's changes are rare and pretty darn lucky.

If you're up to it, you could always come out and ask your friend if she feels things have changed. Or you could just let things take their natural course, accepting that the two of you may move on to other friendships.

((hug)) <3
 
Wendy,im sorry your going through all of this:-( I don't have any advice just wanted to send you a cyber hug:)

I know what you mean about forming new friendships and being shy, I'am extremely shy so its hard for me too!

I do have one thought...Have you tried maybe talking with your best friend about all of this?
 
I'll be your friend... oh wait I already am! I wish we lived closer, I would love running and training with you!

I am going through something similar with a friend... it is hard when you feel like you have nothing in common anymore.

((HUGS))
 
I have a friend like that actually, or rather a former friend. I really do not know what happens there? You just sorta drift apart, but I would talk to her, at least if the friendship isn't what it used to be you will get some answers!

I am shy/indifferent to most women, women are hard to be good friends with for some reason, in my experience there has always been cattiness and other stupid stuff like that involved and I hate it! I love the women friends I do have and treasure our long distance friendships. I have one friend here in Vegas, and we only really do stuff when we all get together with the DH's and do dinner. I have learned to be best friends with myself and of course the lovely ladies here on Cathe!:7
 
I think Laughing Water has said most of what I was thinking - and it is hard because friendships are a two way street. One way just doesn't work.

So sorry you are so sad and like a few of the others here, I don't really have any close friendships either. Lost alot when I divorced years ago - new DH is kind of a loner - but happily we are best friends !:7

Hopefully you have a chance to express your feelings to BFF to at least know where you stand.

We are all here for you, even I know it isn't the same.

[[[[ HUGS ]]]]
 
ITA with Laughing Water, especially the part about it not taking much to unbalance a relationship. I had a best friend for almost ten years - we lived together, whole nine yards. Then I met someone and fell hard,and then fell apart when we split. I had always assumed my BFF would be there for me in the light of something like that but she wasn't. She just totally checked out of our friendship. We barely keep in touch now. Who'd a thunk it?

Hugs to you. I feel your pain. :(
 
IMHO, very few friendships can endure through the myriad profound changes that each lived life undergoes. I've had many friends throughout the years that arose from work situations, workout situations, and same-place-at-the-same-time situations, but these associations evaporated when something profound (marriage, job change or transfer, childbirth, etc.) happened. In earlier years I felt very bad about it, and questioned the quality and value of the friendship after it ended. Now . . . I tend to be a bit more philosophical about it, although I always regret when formerly close friends become more distant. There have never been any rows or bad partings, just a gradual fade-out. Maybe I'm just not that appetizing as a companion.

Fit Mom, I too feel for you because I too have always had difficulty making friends. I do believe your fade-out friend meant what she said when she said it, but hearts and minds can change, and her changes are her changes.

There are other friends out there that you just haven't met yet. Life is certainly not like an NBC sitcom in the human relationships department. I have no doubt that you'll find others with whom you can have fun and relate too. It'll happen. In the meantime, you do have the power to let go of your fade-out friend with grace, dignity and a bit of humor. And when you figure out how that is done, lemme know so I can try it myself!

}(

A-Jock
 
{{{{{Tigger}}}}}

Been there :-( . I have nothing to add to the brilliance of the fine women who have already expressed their thoughts, I just wanted to tell you that I understand, and I really do. ;)
 
I have another {{hug}} for you Wendy. Friendship seems like it should be such a simple thing, but I guess it can be as complicated as people can be. Some last forever, some fade away. I could never have predicted the ones that lasted and the ones that have been lost in my own life. I hope you find a new friend right around the corner.
 
I'm 47, unmarried and have no children. Women who were friends of mine my whole life and who live in the same city, I've not seen in AGES. In fact, I really need to do something about that. When friends lives change... put it this way, you can't go out together or hang out together much when your friends have obligations you don't. I had a friend who got married right out of high school. The guy was always real nice to me but, in my heart, I always felt she married him because she didn't think she was pretty enough to get a better guy (she later lost weight and she really grew into her unique features, becoming kind of a hot chick). Did you ever see the Pride & Prejudice miniseries? I had the same feeling watching Elizabeth Bennet's closest friend marry that loser guy strictly for security. She deserved so much better but it never occurred to her she could get it with her wicked sharp mind. I tried to stay connected with my friend but she couldn't go anywhere without him tagging along. Doesn't everyone need a night out with their friends? Years went by and we hadn't seen each other. At about the time I reached out to her I won tickets to a concert, from a radio station, and I invited her. You would not believe the amount of coaxing I had to do over the phone because she was worried about leaving her husband (a grown man?) alone. When I went to pick her up, he sat on the sofa, with his head down and his bottom lip jutting out, POUTING! Then she coddled him with "Do you want to come with us (I blanched but I bit my tongue)?" To which he responded "But I don't want to go to a concert..." I finally convinced her to come on and told him I'd have her back shortly, the whole time thinking 'I'd shoot myself in the head if I had to come home to THAT.' The concert was no fun because, the whole time, all she could do was whine about leaving him home ALL BY HIMSELF! That was 15 years ago and I haven't seen her since. I understand she finally divorced him... to marry someone else! I have no idea what he's like but I'm guessing not much different. As an aside, one day I got an envelope in the mail with just a first name and an address in the corner. The only person I knew with that name was her ex (Mr. Pouty). When I opened it there was a postcard with all Chinese writing (he's a white American boy who's never left the state of Ohio) and a view of some city in China with some English print about Chinese New Year's. No writing, no personal message, I hadn't seen either of them in 15 years... So I pulled out my city street guide to look up the address. It was the house they used to share, though I knew she'd long-since moved. Creepy much?

But my point is, when you're single, friends with husbands and children are work. We have different obligations from one another. From the single, childless woman's viewpoint, every time we try to plan something with those who have husbands and/or kids we can't ever seem to make concrete plans. There's always some reason why they can't go or our schedules never seem to jibe. My co-workers and I have been talking about cruising. You know, 3-5 days in the Caribbean. The one's with kids have GROWN kids so the kids can cut it without Mom around. My personal friends who are married or have children, for whatever reason (grandparents who refuse to watch their grandkids for that long, for instance - as is certainly their right), can't get away. And, even if they did, they wouldn't be able to relax. Mothers understand this about each other, but those of us who aren't... feel like it really sucks the wind out of OUR fun. I work hard and when I vacation I want complete relaxation. As for your friend making promises, I'm thinking she didn't know what she was getting into. People who don't have kids (speaking of myself, for sure) have no concept of how busy mothers are because it's not happening to us. When faced with the reality, it can sometimes be a bit TOO real. And, of course, friendships come and go. SEX AND THE CITY-type friendships really only exist on tv.

My advice for you would be to seek out friendships with others in the same boat: Married moms with other married moms, single moms with other single moms, and so forth. I'm not trying to be cruel, but I know something about this. Heck, my best friend lives across town and I haven't seen her in ten years. Her son was about 6 then, and a compulsive liar who liked to pit mom and dad against each other. She hated the boy's father and I got tired of watching her encourage his bad behavior, and tired of HIS behavior, period. She would bring him to the house I used to share with my mom and Mom and I would just keep shooting appalled looks back and forth, struggling to keep from remarking (my mom loved all her kids friends and was almost as close to my friends as to me but even she knew when to keep quiet). I've been thinking about trying to hook up with her again since her brat kid has to be nearly legal age by now. And, if we do get together I hope she's not still such a fool for her kid's obnoxious lies. But if it turns out he's still a horrible brat, since that's what his parents were raising him to be, it will be another ten years before I pay her a visit. Like I said, too much work.
 
Wendy,

(((((HUGS))))

I think that in times like this, sometimes the best thing, often the only thing to do it to just let go. Have faith that things will evolve the way they should. With the history that you two have together, I'll bet that after your BFF goes through whatever it is she needs to go through, you'll find her coming back to you. When that happens, she'll finally know the value of the friendship she has in you, as you do now.

In the meantime, meet me in CT for some shoe shopping ;-) :7

Jen
 
>Boy its nice to know that I am not the only one who doesn't
>have a gaggle of friends!:)

OMG you are sooo not alone tneah!! I've always had a tough time making and keeping female friends (though, oddly, not male friends.) I don't know why at all, I mean I think I'm a likeable person and all that, so I don't get it. Even when I go to parties and gatherings the women have a tendency to not talk to me. Good thing I don't really give a darn. Mostly. :D

Sparrow

"The winds of grace are always blowing but it's you who must raise your sail." - Sri Ramakrishna
 
Wendy, I am sorry for what you are going through. Friendships can be so confusing but I think the most important thing to remember is your part of the friendship did not waiver. You were true to yourself and her. Sometimes there's no particular reason why distance occurs. It just happens. I do hope you talk to her about this. You may or may not get an answer but at least you know you did try to find one. I had the same thing happen to me with my bf of over 25 years. For whatever reason, she just lost interest. It's also hard when one's lifestyle changes and the other friend's does not. I'm single, have never been married and have no kids. When my friends got married, we still stayed in touch and we couldn't go out as much but our friendship remained in tact. However, when they started having children, things drastically changed, understandably. My life remained the same but theirs did not. Our needs became different. A whole new world had opened up to them. They would start going to mommy and me classes and would form bonds with other mothers. It was sad for me and I had to look for other friendships. It's definitely not easy but I didn't pine long over what I had no control over. I would try and focus on what I could do to help myself. Are you involved with other mothers? If not, that might be a good place to start. I hope you find some peace soon. ((((( )))))!
 
wendy-

so sorry you are going thru this. i know your pain and it sucks to feel like you are being cast to the side. i had two bff's. one a female, we had known each other since we were 13. a few years ago i our friendship ended not really sure why. i do believe it had to do with me having children and our lives just being so different. my other bff (a male) ended when he got married and his wife no longer wanted him to have any communication with me. even though she knew we were friends (nothing more) long before her. i understood his position and told him he had to respect the feelings of the most important person in his life, his wife. i haven't spoken to him in years also.

i second those that say it's time to find new friends whom you have things in common with now. trust me i know it's not an easy feat.

many, many (((hugs))). you know how to reach me if you need/want to.
 
(((Hugs to you Wendy!))) From the Cheetah thread I have learned that you are a very caring, sensitive and determined person.

I only really have one best female friend. She is the only person besides DH that I feel comfortable sharing everything about me with. You know I live in a somewhat remote area so there are not a lot of people to meet. Making friends is not easy. That is part of the reason I joined the Cheetahs. I also have lost friends along the way due to moving, changes in our lives, etc. The most painful was a few years ago. DH and I hung out with this couple every single weekend (FRI and SAT). They moved up here from Ohio and DH worked with her DH at one of the flyshops in town. I got a bad vibe from her DH and my people intuition has always been right on target. DH knew this too. I am always willing to give people a chance. She and I became quite close though. DH and I bent over backwards for them. DH taught her DH how to hunt birds, gave him an old pair of skis and a longbow (hunting thing). He taught him how to hunt deer, etc. I got her to quit smoking and got her into running and fitness. She hated her job and decided to pusue teaching "because the schedule was better." You know how I feel about that. It's like they wanted our lives. Well, it turns out her DH ended up backstabbing my DH at work. He is also a liar and thief. I am not going into that. It just wasn't good and my DH was so upset and sick about it he ended up quitting. She and I tried to hang out(DH didn't care) but little things kept coming up that revieled that she was just like him and I stopped returning her phone calls. DH and I felt used. They even had the nerve to buy a house on the same road we live on! This is MY running turf and I hate running by their house! For awhile I didn't have any girl friends and it was hard.

I told my story, sorry it was so long! ;-) My advice would be similar to some of the wise ladies here have said. Is there any people at work that you would consider hanging out with? Fitness friends are the best! I am kind of shy sometimes and I will initiate conversations by asking questions about their lives. You might find some commonalities. If you like them, ask them if they want to go out for drinks, dinner, workout or something. Also, I know DS will be going to preschool. Volunteer your time there to meet other moms. When he starts school you can join the PTO. A lot of the moms on our PTO are good friends. You could arrange a play date with DS and another child from the daycare.

Your story made me cry. I am sorry you are going through this. I think she has moved along in a different direction. You decide if you should talk to her about it or just let it fade away. I am not pleased with how you were treated at the party.

Good luck and take care of yourself. I will be thinking of you! :)
 
Wendy:

I feel for you. Really, I do.

Im not sure you're losing your best friend. I think you're just at different points in your lives. I'm assuming she doesn't have children of her own.

I'd also venture to guess that if asked, she'd feel similarly. It's not easy to watch a friend have a child and see their focus turn so totally and completely toward this new addition. I'm not saying it's justified, but she probably feels left out, abandoned, and she probably doesn't know how to relate or fit into your new life.

I have a sister who is 9 years younger than me. I remember being at home with two toddlers and her visiting with a college friend. When she left that night--I'll never forget this--she said, "Shoot me if I ever get like you." I cried and cried.

Well, now she's home with an infant and a 2-year-old. My phone will ring in the morning, and she'll ask me what my day looks like. Can I come over for a bit; she really needs to take a shower, etc. My DH wants to know why I don't remind her of what she said to me all those years ago. I tell him it's because I remember what it was like to be in her place. I remember feeling isolated, lost, lonely. I don't hold any resentment. I go over and help whenever I can.

The point is, she didn't get it then. There was really no way she could have, not having been there herself. She gets it now, though. I've no doubt that your friend's intentions were sincere when she made you those promises. She probably envisioned things differently than they actually turned out to be.

You say you feel like a child in the playground pulling on her friend's arm. My advice is this--STOP PULLING. Hold on loosely, as the song goes. Your friendship has changed. It can't be what it was. Be happy that she's found a new friend that you like and that she's close with. Yes, I'm sure it hurts, but when you care about someone, you want the best for them. Keep the connection however you can. Talk on the phone; email; whatever. Stay connected with what's going on in her life now while making new connections with people who are in similar circumstances to your own. If she knows that you care about her without competing for her time and attention, she will feel accepted and probably won't feel that she's competing with your son for your attention. Stop wishing for what was, and try to make a positive of what it is. If she knows how much you value her friendship and accept where she is in her life now, it will be very hard not to want to keep that friendship, however changed it may be. Let her know it's okay. It's hard to resist someone who cares for you unconditionally.

Maybe your lives will go in different directions--maybe not. Some day, you may be the one getting the early morning "What is your day looking like" phone calls. Hopefully, you'll have kept enough of a connection that you'll be there for her.

I hope this helps.

lynda
 
Wow, Lynda, great words! I don't know if it helped Wendy, but just wanted to tell you that it defintely has helped me put some things in perspective.

Thanks! :D



And Wendy, just wanted to tell you that I've been where you are and it's not easy. I've been dumped and I've been the dumper. Friendships change and people move on, for whatever reason. I hope it all works out for the best!
 
Thanks for all of the advice ladies.

After I posted this thread this morning I went and cried on my DH's shoulder...literally. Not just about BFF but about my other friends too. I never had many friends but the few I did have (maybe 5 at the MOST!) before having my son have all changed. My BMF is married with a child and even THAT has changed and he's in the same stage of life as me. The friendship I have with my mom who has been one of my best friends my entire adult life has even changed. :-(

The thing of it is, ladies, that although I have a child, I am far from unable to hang out with my friends. My DH goes out on his own while I stay home and watch DS and I am quite capable of doing the same! I have done it plenty of times in the past (such as the party I attended with her last night-DH and DS were not there.) and will continue to do this well into the future so there is no reason for BF to feel frustrated with me in any way as far as that goes. In fact, as a single woman, her family and job place more of a demand on her time then anything that demands time in my life!

In addition, as far as her "promises" go....she knew full well what she was volunteering for. She has many friends and family who already had children prior to me and she had done for them EVERYTHING she had told me she would do when I had my son.

Basically, she made it sound like nothing would change and we'd be closer then ever once I had my baby and the truth is that she's just become wrapped up in some new-found social life with her new-found circle of friends and has left me in the dust. She's gone out plenty of times to do things that she knows darn well I'd probably be interested in doing and hasn't even INVITED me.

Okay, I'm just upsetting myself all over again here. Cathy, if you are reading this, I am going to stop blubbering about this and follow your lead. I'm just going to take the friendship at face value and whatever happens happens.

Oh, btw, we are supposed to get together this coming weekend for a "girls night" to go to dinner, go see SATC and go back to her place for cocktails. It will be me, BFF, the other friend and possibly one or 2 other girls. I'm at the point where I almost want to make up an excuse not to go as it will probably be another night similar to the one I just had and I don't want to deal with that again. x(

Sorry for blathering on...it's late and I'm exhausted. I need to get to bed. Thanks again for "listening" and offering your kind words, stories and advice. The ball is in her court. I will follow her lead. If she this is the way she wants it then so be it.
 
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